Lovelife.....Not worth the hassle.

LegacyUser

Hi boards, I'm a regular reader and poster, so Im going unreg for this.

Im a male in my late 20's and I have a problem that is affecting my life, basically I'm just not bothered with a love life.

Now I have no inabishions when it come to meeting women, I often will go out on a night out and chat up girls, flirt and even go home with them sometimes, but certainly not always. 90% of the time I will chat up some girl I like, and get a phone number.

But that's where is ends. Even though I'm chuffed about getting the number, I feel like I'm only doing it to show my friends I still got it. I never follow through and meet up with the girl. Now I hear you asking why, I just am not bothered with all the hassle of getting to know someone, I always end up breaking up with the girl in a month or two, mainly because the antics they have. Its like girls think that because you have been together for a few weeks marriage could be on the cards.

Ive had a few long term relationships in my life, they all ended ok. I was hurt a few times, but now I can't even open up to someone. I'm not scared of getting hurt, but more I don't want the hassle of all the bs that goes along with being in a relationships.

My last girlfriend, I was terrible to, I was with her on and off for 3 years and I was incredibly non tolerant of the problems. If we go into a fight, I would literally just stop talking to her until she admitted she was wrong, but that could last weeks.

Im messed up in the head when it comes to women, they all wreak my head with their constant moaning, and I just feel its not worth it anymore.

I don't want to end up alone, but I just feel like I will never meet someone who I like and who gets me. What should I do?

shellyboo

You clearly hate women at the moment, so I think you should stay as far away from them as possible, for their sake, tbh.

You're never going to find a functional relationship unless you fix these issues you have. Work on yourself, then think about finding someone.

ManOfMystery

NotBothered wrote: »

Im messed up in the head when it comes to women, they all wreak my head with their constant moaning, and I just feel its not worth it anymore.

This is really the issue. There's a fair few billion females on this planet, you've probably only met less than 0.0001% of them and unfortunately you've had a bad experience with them. Don't tar them all with the same brush - broaden your tolerance a little bit, remember everyone is a unique individual and give them all a fair chance.

BumbleB

This is in no way bashing you as a person cause I don't know you ,but men and women are wired totally different and most men would find women "headwrecking" but are tolerant of this but thats one of the beautiful things about women, theyre not like us and life with them is never boring .So maybe you could work on being more tolerant towards women and focus on the good stuff that relationships bring , Peace ... keep the head up.


like a wise man once said:


I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)

D

I have the roughly the same problem at the moment. Have many female friends and acquaintances at the moment and I have been informed that many of them would like to date me. Don't get me wrong they are nice girls but I just don't have that "click/spark/chemistry" that would pique my interest to pursue a relationship. It sounds like you have no problem meeting girls its just that none of them have interested you enough so as to make the effort to form a relationship. I wouldn't worry about it. You just need to keep looking for that special someone.

extrinzic

I’m gone off looking for a relationship altogether at the moment also. Was hurt in my last one, and can see why it had as much to do with me as her. I’m just tired of chasing the illusion of somebody perfect for me. OP, have you considered that you may be as well off. Most relationships are compromise, and when our other half reveals themselves to be not entirely straight with us, we naturally question if the compromise has been worth it. Thing is, everybody lies to themselves most the time, so expecting somebody to be honest with you about what to expect from any relationship is like expecting them to be inhuman. People are mysteries, as soon as we convince ourselves we have a true understanding of the cosmos and our place in it, we have accepted the illusion.

Edit

For example, the best of my relationship with my ex was not the companionship I craved, the support I craved, the love I craved. The best of our relationship was fleeting, always beyond our ability to pin down. The best was at 3 am at the end of some uneventful day, just goofing around and being a child again. It had nothing to do with my wants and expectations. It was beyond our capacity to wilfully control. It was simply love for that moment in time with someone. It never lasted. Life caught up with us in the cold light of day, we ran with expectations, wants, the demand for my perceived entitlements. The resistance to her excessive demands. The lie.

LegacyUser

D wrote: »

I have the roughly the same problem at the moment. Have many female friends and acquaintances at the moment and I have been informed that many of them would like to date me. Don't get me wrong they are nice girls but I just don't have that "click/spark/chemistry" that would pique my interest to pursue a relationship. It sounds like you have no problem meeting girls its just that none of them have interested you enough so as to make the effort to form a relationship. I wouldn't worry about it. You just need to keep looking for that special someone.

Bingo, got it in one. What should I do?

foxyboxer

From my own point of view, I can't really see what the problem is.
Do you need to spend the rest of your life with someone as an emotional crutch? I believe that you make your own happiness. I could not imagine not being independent. I've had girlfriends in the past but never more than 6 months. Relationships are just not my thing. Friendship is more important than marriage and kids. My brothers are all in long term relationships and seeing the crap they put up with from their girlfirends astounds me. I would say something such as "why do you let her speak to you/treat you like that?" but hey, it's none of my business, they're grown men. I believe that you should respect others and if they fail to respect you in return then they don't belong in your life.

I have a horrible vision of meeting someone I like and falling head over heels for them.:cool: Jump cut to 5 years later, the spark has gone and I'm pushing a buggy around B&Q on a saturday, carrying an extra 4 stone on my gut. :eek:I'd rather spend my time exploring the world, having casual relationships along the way, never 'settling down'.

TBH I'm a decent looking chap but a long way from being Brad Pitt, and I don't garner much attention from the ladies. This doesn't bother me, as I don't need that ego boost for my own self esteem. As I have said, I make myself happy. You're not alone, just chill out

dublingal80

hi op

honestly i wouldnt be putting pressure on yourself. ive been through the same as you. I was with a guy for a year and a half, messy messy messy relationship and when we broke up I had no interest in any guy what so ever. Yeah id go out and kiss guys but couldnt have been bothered with anything else. I hated the first few dates when they all went in the same order and the usual questions you ask to get to know someone, it completely bored me. I still went out, had loads of fun being single but I didnt want anyone in my life what so ever and had no interest. Was happy with myself

Then on a night I never expected to meet anyone cos i didnt even want to go out and just planned to stay out for an hour to show my face at a birthday, i met my oh and 3 years later we are still together and has happy as ever

I wouldnt put pressure on yourself to be actively doing anything different. Just keep up doing what your doing and you will meet somoene you have that spark with. and because you have met so many non sparkey people, when you meet the sparkey person you will know

Eve_Dublin

I don´t really get the issue here. You´re happy to be single because it´s less hassle. You´re not hurting anyone else and that includes yourself....so I don´t see a problem. You´re not obligated to be in a relationship. I see exactly where you´re coming from. Relax.

MissHoneyBun

I know this might sound controversial but a lot of the time I hear people, and indeed friends, who are unsuccessful in relationships talk about ''getting into a relationship'' as though it was like picking up a pint of milk on the way home or deciding what to watch on TV.

It seems that relationships these days are sometimes viewed as just another possession to be obtained, another item to check off life's list of Things To Do. A relationship is not an entitlement, which is why people in successful relationships often declare themselves lucky to have met somebody special. They say that for a reason.

To be honest I think people have become selfish and I know we all have needs but often people who claim that relationships just ''arent for me'' or are ''not worth the hassle'' just expect too damn much. A relationship is an interaction, an exchange between two people which means effort, communication and teamwork. I think sometimes people become too focused on what the relationship is doing for them rather than what they're doing for the relationship.

Relationships by their very nature are complex, intricate involvements that will include ''hassle'' OP, so unless you change your expectations and adopt a more realistic approach then you might find yourself single forever.

I don't mean to sound harsh but the very best of relationships are going to involve compromise and sacrifice and if that spells hassle to you then maybe relationships just aren't for you.

The key is for you to start changing your approach and your attitude rather than expecting potential girlfriends to change to accommodate you.

Stop focusing on yourself and instead look at what you have to offer someone and not just what you expect to gain from them.

blogga

extrinzic wrote: »

I’m gone off looking for a relationship altogether at the moment also. Was hurt in my last one, and can see why it had as much to do with me as her. I’m just tired of chasing the illusion of somebody perfect for me. OP, have you considered that you may be as well off. Most relationships are compromise, and when our other half reveals themselves to be not entirely straight with us, we naturally question if the compromise has been worth it. Thing is, everybody lies to themselves most the time, so expecting somebody to be honest with you about what to expect from any relationship is like expecting them to be inhuman. People are mysteries, as soon as we convince ourselves we have a true understanding of the cosmos and our place in it, we have accepted the illusion.

Edit

For example, the best of my relationship with my ex was not the companionship I craved, the support I craved, the love I craved. The best of our relationship was fleeting, always beyond our ability to pin down. The best was at 3 am at the end of some uneventful day, just goofing around and being a child again. It had nothing to do with my wants and expectations. It was beyond our capacity to wilfully control. It was simply love for that moment in time with someone. It never lasted. Life caught up with us in the cold light of day, we ran with expectations, wants, the demand for my perceived entitlements. The resistance to her excessive demands. The lie.

The answer. OP: wake up and read the truth.

Eve_Dublin

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

I know this might sound controversial but a lot of the time I hear people, and indeed friends, who are unsuccessful in relationships talk about ''getting into a relationship'' as though it was like picking up a pint of milk on the way home or deciding what to watch on TV.

It seems that relationships these days are sometimes viewed as just another possession to be obtained, another item to check off life's list of Things To Do. A relationship is not an entitlement, which is why people in successful relationships often declare themselves lucky to have met somebody special. They say that for a reason.

To be honest I think people have become selfish and I know we all have needs but often people who claim that relationships just ''arent for me'' or are ''not worth the hassle'' just expect too damn much. A relationship is an interaction, an exchange between two people which means effort, communication and teamwork. I think sometimes people become too focused on what the relationship is doing for them rather than what they're doing for the relationship.

Relationships by their very nature are complex, intricate involvements that will include ''hassle'' OP, so unless you change your expectations and adopt a more realistic approach then you might find yourself single forever.

I don't mean to sound harsh but the very best of relationships are going to involve compromise and sacrifice and if that spells hassle to you then maybe relationships just aren't for you.

The key is for you to start changing your approach and your attitude rather than expecting potential girlfriends to change to accommodate you.

Stop focusing on yourself and instead look at what you have to offer someone and not just what you expect to gain from them.

Okay, I get what you´re saying...but I don´t see a problem for the OP choosing to be single. To be honest Misshoneybun, some of the most selfish people I know are in very loving relationships but they barely acknowledge the world outside of their little bubble. They have no time for friends and particularly friends who are having relationship trouble because it puts a bit of a dampener on their own love parade or they aren´t willing to sacrifice weekends with their OH´s to visit their families etc. I don´t think choosing to be single or to discount relationships as "not worth the hassle" are selfish acts. I´ve plenty of OTHER non-sexual relationships in my life to work on, which involve a fair share of give and take and empathy and generosity and love etc and i´ve a lot more time to invest in those relationships than I would if I was in a sexual relationship.

Until I meet someone who´s worth sacfricing all that for to some extent, then I´m happy enough to be single. The OP has an issue because other people have an issue with him choosing to be single. That´s ridiculous. If he´s not hurting anyone else, he should be allowed do as he pleases.


I´m guessing the OP´s issue is that he feels obligated to be in a relationship because society says so. I personally think he´s making a very mature decision here in saying, "Feck relationships for the time being, it´s better for me and for everyone else if I remain single until I actually have a desire to be in a relationship instead of enduring one just to fit in and for the sake of ticking a things-i-must-do-in-life-to-do box." OP you have no issue and I respect your honesty.

MissHoneyBun

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Okay, I get what you´re saying...but I don´t see a problem for the OP choosing to be single. To be honest Misshoneybun, some of the most selfish people I know are in very loving relationships but they barely acknowledge the world outside of their little bubble. They have no time for friends and particularly friends who are having relationship trouble because it puts a bit of a dampener on their own love parade or they aren´t willing to sacrifice weekends with their OH´s to visit their families etc. I don´t think choosing to be single or to discount relationships as "not worth the hassle" are selfish acts. I´ve plenty of OTHER non-sexual relationships in my life to work on, which involve a fair share of give and take and empathy and generosity and love etc and i´ve a lot more time to invest in those relationships than I would if I was in a sexual relationship.

Until I meet someone who´s worth sacfricing all that for to some extent, then I´m happy enough to be single. The OP has an issue because other people have an issue with him choosing to be single. That´s ridiculous. If he´s not hurting anyone else, he should be allowed do as he pleases.


I´m guessing the OP´s issue is that he feels obligated to be in a relationship because society says so. I personally think he´s making a very mature decision here in saying, "Feck relationships for the time being, it´s better for me and for everyone else if I remain single until I actually have a desire to be in a relationship instead of enduring one just to fit in and for the sake of ticking a things-i-must-do-in-life-to-do box." OP you have no issue and I respect your honesty.

I'm not sure you really got what I was saying there Eve... I'm saying that relationships are not something to merely cross off the checklist and that the OP just needs to realise that the perfect relationship doesn't exist -or if it does, it contains flaws and will involve what the OP sees as 'hassle'.

I have no problem at all with the OP choosing to remain single Eve. In fact I think that's the best course of action for him, which is why I suggested that ''maybe relationships just aren't for you'' People are not defined by either being or not being in a relationship and anyone who thinks otherwise is simply not worth acknowledging.

The problem as I saw it was that the OP is striving for some contrived idealised relationship that is all hearts 'n' hugs and hassle free. What I'm trying to suggest is that, should he take a more realistic approach and accept that the best things in life are not always going to be plain sailing then he might see things differently.

LegacyUser

OP,
I have sort of the same problem. I'm my case ever since I was a child I've been a loner. Never was close to my family or even my friends. To this day I am still reminded of my first day of playschool where I picked up a toy from the centre of the room and went straight to the corner to play by myself. Basically thats been me since day one. However whilst you can get away with this as a kid, behaviour like this doesn't sit well in world of grown-ups. So when I became an adult I was supposed to get into relationships (which by their very nature are close an intimate) and to this day I still can't really hack it. I could attract women but I never was interested in them beyond "winning" them so to speak. Once I had someone I'd find that it wasn't worth the effort and that straight away I'd do anything to be alone again.

Add to this I am selfish with my time and have a deep mistrust of people so it was never gonna work. I could never be open with them just wanted to have a good time all the time without any views to the future or putting up with the bad that comes with being involved with someone. Basically every girl who has ever dumped me it has been for the same reason "that I amen't open/giving enough with them". At the time I thought "so what, can't you just be like me instead of expecting me to be like you?" but as I got older I realise this is how people work and that I am in the silent minority.

So basically I'm guessing the only way either of us are going to be happy is to find like-minded women who feel the same about people and the world as we do respectively and who can learn to work around it/us. But in my case at least (as Bill Hicks once pointed out) is that it's hard to get people to turn up for meetings of the "People who Hate People club." so it already becomes harder to find likeminded people.

Bottom line OP is that there is nothing wrong with "women". I used to think the world was wrong because people didn't act the way I expected them to. But then then I realised it was me. Now I'm happier alone, you sound happier alone. Keep it that way and don't let society tell you that you should be in a relationship if you find they're just making you unhappy/dissatisfied on the whole.

Eve_Dublin

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

I'm not sure you really got what I was saying there Eve... I'm saying that relationships are not something to merely cross off the checklist and that the OP just needs to realise that the perfect relationship doesn't exist -or if it does, it contains flaws and will involve what the OP sees as 'hassle'.

I have no problem at all with the OP choosing to remain single Eve. In fact I think that's the best course of action for him, which is why I suggested that ''maybe relationships just aren't for you'' People are not defined by either being or not being in a relationship and anyone who thinks otherwise is simply not worth acknowledging.

The problem as I saw it was that the OP is striving for some contrived idealised relationship that is all hearts 'n' hugs and hassle free. What I'm trying to suggest is that, should he take a more realistic approach and accept that the best things in life are not always going to be plain sailing then he might see things differently.

I reread your post Misshoneybun and the OP´s and I get what you´re saying and how it relates to the OP´s opinion of all women wreaking his head with their constant moaning...they´ve obviously ALL been moaning for a reason. I suppose if he does want a relationship in the future, he´s going to need to look at his previous relationships objectively to find a pattern instead of placing the blame solely on women (as if we´re all moaners by default and for no reason). I guess he has to see where HE went wrong himself because I´m guessing he acted far from perfectly in previous relationships.

And you´re right, perhaps he needs to get that frame of mind set in his head before he thinks of getting of involved with someone else.

Edit: Perhaps he´s not striving for the idealised relationship, just a relationship that works for him as most of us are. Hard to come by but he´ll meet someone he´s willing to put that effort into in time.

D

notbothered wrote: »

Bingo, got it in one. What should I do?

Unfortunately there is no sure way of meeting someone special. If she is a "good woman" then usually she will have been snapped up long ago. If you are looking for a better caliber, one that can keep you interested and is a challenge then I suggest leaving the bar/club scene behind and concentrating on clubs/societies/groups organised around your interests.

Think about what you want from a woman, or about women in the past that you found attractive.
What was it about them that attracted you?
What would that type of woman do in her spare time?
What hobbies would she have?
Where would she go to do them?

LegacyUser

Going unregged for this. I'm in a similar situation OP. Was in a relationship 2 years ago with a foreign girl, who went home for a "weekend" and I never heard from her again. Completely out of the blue and started a chain of events that nearly ruined me mentally. I still have no idea to this day if she's dead or alive and I don't care either way. I have since built a wall between myself and any female who tries to get close to me, because I just can't think of women as anything other than untrustworthy and undeserving of any sort of affection. The last 2 years have been nothing but me numbing my mind with substances to block out reality. Its not healthy at all, but I do my best to keep a face on for the world, while behind it all I just wish I could rewind my life and never meet her in the first place.

I can't say I've met anyone yet who has reignited the spark in me to want something more than a friendship with them, but I'm trying every day to get myself back into a fit state of mind. The single life isn't too bad once you submit to it, but hopefully one day there'll be somebody who will help me back to my feet. Keep your head up OP.

LegacyUser

Hi agree with alot of the sentiment here and the OP, look Im not saying Its only women, Im sure if goes for the other way around too. I think its a reflection of the way society is going, that everyone is completely out to look out for number 1 .ie themselves! I have to say though, when in a relationship especially when you are young, putting up with compromise is normal, but when it comes to taking crap and constant battling, you have to ask yourself why bother? you owe this person nothing! life is too short! the best times I have ever had was when I was single and carefree, not answering to anyone! My dad always told me to go out see the world experience life and not tie yourself down until your well and ready! Another youngish woman I was speaking to briefly (she might have been late twenties to early thirties) who reminded me to get everything out of my system before settling down (it sounded like she didnt and now regrets it), and I think its an obvious but very true remark! Its always a merry go round, the peaks at the start of a relationship, the plateau in the middle and then the painful drop!

Emme

NotBothered wrote: »

Now I have no inabishions when it come to meeting women, I often will go out on a night out and chat up girls, flirt and even go home with them sometimes, but certainly not always. 90% of the time I will chat up some girl I like, and get a phone number.

But that's where is ends. Even though I'm chuffed about getting the number, I feel like I'm only doing it to show my friends I still got it. I never follow through and meet up with the girl.

Girls, this is why it's not a good idea to give a guy a phone number on a night out, if he's really interested he'll arrange a proper date with a time and place to meet up!

OP, don't mess girls around. If you're not interested in anything other than a one night stand say so, don't take her number and make false promises.

You need to be happy in yourself before you can have a relationship. Take up a sport or a new hobby, it will help you focus on something other than yourself.

shellyboo

Emme wrote: »

Girls, this is why it's not a good idea to give a guy a phone number on a night out, if he's really interested he'll arrange a proper date with a time and place to meet up!

Or if he's really interested he'll use the number you gave him... giving hiim your number isn't going to make him stop being interested :rolleyes:

Wibbs

I do agree with Emme and others, if you feel this way do not string someone along. It's not fair on them and ultimately on you.

If you're not feeling the need to be in a relationship well then dont be in one. There's no law that says you should. It may be a temporary thing or something more permanent. Who knows?

Personally speaking I'm not in any hurry to be in one either. For me I think I've lost the capacity to suspend disbelief. *Mad analogy alert!*:) Some can go to the theatre and watch a play and be carried away in the moment and connect with the drama unfolding. I can't, never could. I need a film and a good one at that, or I just see the actors and the script. I would say similar of relationships for me. Most to me are like a stage play and I know my script and can nearly mouth the next line of theirs. I have a fair idea of the ending too. This includes others but defo my own. Now I have had a couple of good movies in my time love life wise(and have seen others), but even there I've seen behind the curtain and know the process. Now I'm too aware of the camera, so to speak. Plus most are like amateur stage plays, a few are movies and fewer are good movies. *end mad analogy*:o

This may change for me. Hopefully it does, but at the moment no.

Herbal Deity

shellyboo wrote: »

You clearly hate women at the moment

Ffs. He doesn't. What an utterly ridiculous thing to say. He's having difficulty when it comes to relationships based on past experiences. How you got "hating women" from that I don't know.

People getting disillusioned with the opposite sex at some stage in their life is common, this isn't close to misogyny.

Wibbs

I would agree. Shellyboo lets tone down the accusations of hatred please.

Piste

If you don't feel like you want a relationship, then don't go looking for one, simple!


It's disappointing that you're writing all women off as headwreckers though. Ok so a lot of women are moaning wreck-the-heads -I'll admit most of the the really irritating headwrecking people I know are women- but we can be fun, promise! By making the assumption that all women will only bug you, you're writing off 50% of the populations. If you refused to interact with women on a social level think of the the friendships you'd miss out on!

After all, the best relationship are just extentions on friendship, like friendship is an extension of aquaintanceship. How do you expect to make friends with girls by chatting them up and not calling afterwards? By treating every girl as a potential ex you're pretty much excluding the possibility of a friendship.

TLDR: Forget about finding a girlfriend, go make Girl Friends and see what happens.