Sex while I'm asleep

LegacyUser

I really need some help.
Last weekend I was in my boyfriend's house and we had sex in the evening. I cuddled up to him after and fell asleep. A while later I woke up because he was on top of me and trying to penetrate me. I told him no and pushed him off. I don't know if he was asleep when he did this or not but he feel straight asleep after this. I fell asleep too. When we woke up we had sex and later in the afternoon he dropped me home. We didn't discuss what had happened.
This is incident is really bothering me. I only have sex with a condom, I'm on the pill but for safety's sake I insist on condoms and he wasn't using one when he was lying on top while I was asleep. Also, how could he try to have sex while I'm unable to consent to it? I'm a light sleeper so I woke up but if I wasn't he could be doing anything and I wouldn't know.
I have done some research and I know he could have been "sleepwalking" and would not know what he is doing, in which case it is not his fault.
I think we should discuss this because it's bothering me so much but I don't want to bring it up in a confrontational way. I am planning to bring this up in a neutral setting and trying to be quite black and white about it, but what do I say? Is anyone dealing with this problem? Could he be someone who thinks as long as I'm in bed, I'm fair game? Or is it a medical issue we'll have to resolve or come to terms with?
Many thanks.

LegacyUser

There's another very simliar thread in this forum from not too long ago, see if you can do a search for that. I am sure all the advise is still applicable.

LegacyUser

hi op,

my ex used to do this too. Sometimes he was asleep, sometimes he wasnt. It used to just turn him on to start when I was asleep. I was a bit freaked out at first but gradually got into it and realised that waking up during foreplay and already turned on wasnt so bad.

Generally I found that he only did it in his sleep if he had drink on him or we hadnt had sex in a couple days. The other times he was awake and I told him that I didnt mind once he woke me up before the actual sex part!

It freaked me out at first too, but look at it this way, your boyfriend thinks you are so hot even when hes asleep he wants you and just cant keep his hands off you!

Bring it up by saying 'do you remember trying it on with me the other night?' and see if he does and take it from there.

If he was actual asleep, then theres not a whole lot you can do, other than try to wear him out before you go asleep or just push him off you and tell him to go asleep, this usually works.

If he wasnt asleep, just tell him that you are not ok with it and he should respect that.

As problems go, its not the worst one you could have! wouldnt it be worse if he was never going near you??

Anyway, do whats right for you, good luck!

wolfric

Really short? He was probably sleep "walking" it's very common.

One guy was nearly taken to court over it but his ex girlfriend came in as a witness and said that he did it all the time by accident but as soon as he was woken up he hadn't a clue what was going on and really didn't mean it

kjl

Reply57 wrote: »

hi op,

my ex used to do this too. Sometimes he was asleep, sometimes he wasnt. It used to just turn him on to start when I was asleep. I was a bit freaked out at first but gradually got into it and realised that waking up during foreplay and already turned on wasnt so bad.

Generally I found that he only did it in his sleep if he had drink on him or we hadnt had sex in a couple days. The other times he was awake and I told him that I didnt mind once he woke me up before the actual sex part!

It freaked me out at first too, but look at it this way, your boyfriend thinks you are so hot even when hes asleep he wants you and just cant keep his hands off you!

Bring it up by saying 'do you remember trying it on with me the other night?' and see if he does and take it from there.

If he was actual asleep, then theres not a whole lot you can do, other than try to wear him out before you go asleep or just push him off you and tell him to go asleep, this usually works.

If he wasnt asleep, just tell him that you are not ok with it and he should respect that.

As problems go, its not the worst one you could have! wouldnt it be worse if he was never going near you??

Anyway, do whats right for you, good luck!

Are you for real, regardless of my relationship to the person consensual sex is a must in your life.

Joey the lips

This is a massive can of worms IMO and far beyond normal advice. There was a program on television covering this a while ago. If you need to talk to for other half then talk to him. If i tell you this happens to me every night does it make your situation ok. If i tell you it never happens does it make your situation wrong!

You really need to talk about this. I gather the issue to you is the condom more than it being consenting. You need to make a list of what you dont like about this and speak to your other half.

shellyboo

OP, google 'sexsomnia' and have a read about that. Could be what's happening here.

You do need to talk to your bf, bring it up as Reply57 suggested - just ask him if he remembers. Ask him if he was awake or asleep when he did it. Express your concerns to him, talk to him about it. Don't assume he's going to go on the defensive about it - he may not even remember.

Once you've established what he thinks happened, you can start to gauge your feelings on it. Would you be ok with him doing this again in future? Is it something that makes you uncomfortable, or were you just shocked? If you need to tackle it as a medical issue, are you ok with helping him through it and being understanding? Lots of questions to ask yourself.

kjl wrote:

Are you for real, regardless of my relationship to the person consensual sex is a must in your life.

Don't know about you, but in my relationships there's constant implied consent; ie, you're welcome to try it on with me whenever you like... asleep or awake. Would love to be woken up for some fun in the middle of the night. However, with the right to try it on anytime comes the right to say no anytime. It's actually pretty simple.

That's just me though - everyone's relationships are different. I wouldn't operate under the assumption that nobody would ever be ok with the situation above, though. Some people would be.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,
Thanks for replies,
Shellybo that was one of the things I found during my research. I have considered it as a possibility and have printed out some info when I "have the chat".
I was really shocked that one poster said she was ok with her boyfriend doing this - if you're alseep there is no consent, implied or otherwise and I would feel like I was being taken advantage of (kind of like I do right now).
As I said I NEVER (with this or my previous partner) have sex without a condom and one thing which has played on my mind is that lately he wants to ditch them as I'm on the pill so how could he put on a condom if he's asleep? I've told him condomless sex isn't an option right now but I can't help think this might have been an attempt to have sex without one-maybe I'm paranoid.
I'm going to talk to him about this tomorrow in a non-sexual enviroment and I'm hoping this will help me sort out my feelings about this. We've not been together long but I think he's the one for me (we've talked about houses, marriage, children) so if this is a medical problem he has I am 100% behind him and want to address it.
Thanks a million - one last thing, if anyone can give pointers on how I bring this up I'd love you forever! I'm thinking of saying something like "I want to talk to you about something thats been on my mind" but hope he won't think its a breakup talk!!!

shellyboo

un reg girl wrote: »

I was really shocked that one poster said she was ok with her boyfriend doing this - if you're alseep there is no consent, implied or otherwise and I would feel like I was being taken advantage of (kind of like I do right now).

That's totally your right - you need to make that clear to him when you talk to him. Like I said, it's different for everyone.

un reg girl wrote: »

As I said I NEVER (with this or my previous partner) have sex without a condom and one thing which has played on my mind is that lately he wants to ditch them as I'm on the pill so how could he put on a condom if he's asleep? I've told him condomless sex isn't an option right now but I can't help think this might have been an attempt to have sex without one-maybe I'm paranoid.

I would steer clear of accusing him of this during your chat... give him the benefit of the doubt and presume he wasn't aware of what he was doing. It will make the talk go more smoothly, if nothing else.

un reg girl wrote: »

I'm going to talk to him about this tomorrow in a non-sexual enviroment and I'm hoping this will help me sort out my feelings about this. We've not been together long but I think he's the one for me (we've talked about houses, marriage, children) so if this is a medical problem he has I am 100% behind him and want to address it.
Thanks a million - one last thing, if anyone can give pointers on how I bring this up I'd love you forever! I'm thinking of saying something like "I want to talk to you about something thats been on my mind" but hope he won't think its a breakup talk!!!

Perhaps you could address it in sort of an informative way - as in, "I need to tell you that when we were in bed, you did xyz while I was asleep. I know that obviously you'd never try to have sex with me without my consent, so you must have still been asleep as well. Has this happened to you before? I'd like us to find out why it's happening, because I'm not comfortable with it happening again."

Would that work, do you think? Non-accusatory, and gets your point across.

Vyse

I actually went through a phase of this for a while. It would almost feel like I was dreaming. As I'd wake up (after a minute or so) I'd realise what was happening and go back to sleep. I think my wife was disappointed half the time;)

Wagon

The chap probably doesn't even realise he's doing it most of the time. I've done it myself i think and all the missus did was wake me up and tell me to bugger off. Simple as that. Just tell him what you're really worried about ie. that he isn't wearing a condom when he does it and maybe see a doctor about what to do. I reckon it's fairly straightforward to fix.

SarahSassy

Vyse wrote: »

I actually went through a phase of this for a while. It would almost feel like I was dreaming. As I'd wake up (after a minute or so) I'd realise what was happening and go back to sleep. I think my wife was disappointed half the time;)

No she probably wasnt.

It would freak me out too - the whole lack of consent.

shellyboo

SarahSassy wrote: »

No she probably wasnt.

It would freak me out too - the whole lack of consent.

Or... maybe she was? Not everyone would be freaked out by it.

Nervous Wreck

shellyboo wrote: »

Perhaps you could address it in sort of an informative way - as in, "I need to tell you that when we were in bed, you did xyz while I was asleep. I know that obviously you'd never try to have sex with me without my consent, so you must have still been asleep as well. Has this happened to you before? I'd like us to find out why it's happening, because I'm not comfortable with it happening again."

Would that work, do you think? Non-accusatory, and gets your point across.

Disagree. The OP doesn't know whether or not this is a medical condition. If it is, well that sucks. If not, he effectively tried to rape her. Obviously, in his mind, it wasn't as serious as the things that fly into one's head when the word 'rape' is used but it is very serious. He tried to engage in sex without her consent. Saying to him "I know that obviously you'd never try to have sex with me without my consent, so you must have still been asleep as well" is letting him off the hook for something for which he may be entirely responsible. Now I'm not saying he's definitely not suffering from whatever illness we're talking about here but one can't just assume that he is. It's pretty irresponsible to do so.

LegacyUser

most people seem shocked that I was ok with this, saying that I didnt consent. But actually I did since he was my boyfriend and after the first couple of times, I found its really not a bad way to wake up! The first couple times it happened, he was actually asleep himself.

After that, if I was asleep and he wasnt he would just 'try to wake me up in a nice way' so to speak . Has noone here ever woken up in the morning before their boyfriend was awake and feeling a bit horny and 'kissed' him awake (trying not to be too crude)??

I dont see how its any different. Obviously if you wake up and its half over or hes not even looking to wake you up thats different. But shellyboo is right, when you are together, there is implied consent to a certain extent, as in your boyf/girlf is welcome to chance their arm.

And shellyboo is also right in saying everyones different. If this is a definite no no for you OP, then you just have to let him know and sit down and talk to him and hell respect you and whatever you want. If you cant talk to him about this stuff, that would seem like a much bigger issue in my book.

Until you talk to him you will probably be going round and round in your head , and making this to be worse than it probably is, for example thinking that he did this on purpose to get some bareback sex? Talk to him, youll probably find that it will be sorted in five minutes and that hes a nice guy who just went passed your limits.

Do whats right for you and youll be ok!

opinion guy

Also disagree - with both of you:

"I need to tell you that when we were in bed, you did xyz while I was asleep. I know that obviously you'd never try to have sex with me without my consent, so you must have still been asleep as well. Has this happened to you before? I'd like us to find out why it's happening, because I'm not comfortable with it happening again."

I agree you need to broach things. But saying it like that is almost a passive aggressive way of accusing him of trying to have sex without your consent. If he was asleep and didn't remember he might take that as very offensive.

Right now you don't know if he was aware of what he was doing. The way to broach the subject is pretty much "do you remember trying to have sex with me the other night?" Nice open ended non accusatory question because right now you don't know - that type of quesiton will gather information for you to decide upon. His answer should tell you whether you need to go down the getting angry route, or the medical route.

Terodil

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

Saying to him "I know that obviously you'd never try to have sex with me without my consent, so you must have still been asleep as well" is letting him off the hook for something for which he may be entirely responsible.

Not at all. Shelly's advice is actually very sound, because it reserves the possibility to escalate. Your way of accusing him of rape directly would most probably break the relationship: it starts off the convo on a highly confrontational tone that all but excludes an amiable resolution, because it effectively forces him into a defensive position whatever the original situation was like.

Why not give him a chance to explain first?

You can still kick him in the a* afterwards.

And even if he 'gets off the hook', as you say, the OP would have established clear rules and shown him the line. There's no possibility for misunderstanding in the future and I'd bet a big sum of money that he'll never try anything like that again. And that IS the goal right?

Nervous Wreck

Terodil wrote: »

Not at all. Shelly's advice is actually very sound, because it reserves the possibility to escalate. Your way of accusing him of rape directly would most probably break the relationship: it starts off the convo on a highly confrontational tone that all but excludes an amiable resolution, because it effectively forces him into a defensive position whatever the original situation was like.

Why not give him a chance to explain first?

You can still kick him in the a* afterwards.

And even if he 'gets off the hook', as you say, the OP would have established clear rules and shown him the line. There's no possibility for misunderstanding in the future and I'd bet a big sum of money that he'll never try anything like that again. And that IS the goal right?

Woah woah woah, flower! At no point in my post did I advise any way to bring up the topic. I didn't say to accuse him of rape. I said that, if this was not an illness or a sleepwalking type of situation, then he could easily and legitimately be accused of rape. But I never said to do so. I simply said that offering a 'way out' before enquiring first was irresponsible (and doesn't make sense in any issue that couples may have). I didn't give any advice at all other than the above.

Were I to give advice, I'd suggest that the OP begins the conversation with something along the lines of "I'd like to discuss the misunderstanding we had in bed the other night" and go, calmly, from there.

Terodil

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

I simply said that offering a 'way out' before enquiring first was irresponsible (and doesn't make sense in any issue that couples may have).

Fair enough, I read more into your post than you meant then. That said, 'building golden bridges' can be helpful sometimes, esp. when you don't want to corner your counterpart.

Nervous Wreck

I agree, yeah. I just think saying "Why did you cheat on me?" is more productive than saying "Hey, did you cheat on me because you've got issues with commitment and, even though you really love me, you just got scared because you felt the enormity of your feelings for me would end up getting you heartbroken?".... For example.... Ya get what I mean...! Back to sleep-sex!

opinion guy

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

I agree, yeah. I just think saying "Why did you cheat on me?" is more productive than saying "Hey, did you cheat on me because you've got issues with commitment and, even though you really love me, you just got scared because you felt the enormity of your feelings for me would end up getting you heartbroken?".... For example.... Ya get what I mean...! Back to sleep-sex!

Presuming the person did actually cheat that is. If they didn't and you say that you'll just piss em off and wreck things. which was my point above...lol

Nervous Wreck

opinion guy wrote: »

Presuming the person did actually cheat that is. If they didn't and you say that you'll just piss em off and wreck things. which was my point above...lol

Em..... Either you're joking or you missed my point. But it's irrelevant at this stage so let's just leave it and get back on topic before someone shouts...!

Wibbs

I missed this anon post earlier. Apologies. Here it is repeated in case it was missed.

Reply57 wrote: »

most people seem shocked that I was ok with this, saying that I didnt consent. But actually I did since he was my boyfriend and after the first couple of times, I found its really not a bad way to wake up! The first couple times it happened, he was actually asleep himself.

After that, if I was asleep and he wasnt he would just 'try to wake me up in a nice way' so to speak . Has noone here ever woken up in the morning before their boyfriend was awake and feeling a bit horny and 'kissed' him awake (trying not to be too crude)??

I dont see how its any different. Obviously if you wake up and its half over or hes not even looking to wake you up thats different. But shellyboo is right, when you are together, there is implied consent to a certain extent, as in your boyf/girlf is welcome to chance their arm.

And shellyboo is also right in saying everyones different. If this is a definite no no for you OP, then you just have to let him know and sit down and talk to him and hell respect you and whatever you want. If you cant talk to him about this stuff, that would seem like a much bigger issue in my book.

Until you talk to him you will probably be going round and round in your head , and making this to be worse than it probably is, for example thinking that he did this on purpose to get some bareback sex? Talk to him, youll probably find that it will be sorted in five minutes and that hes a nice guy who just went passed your limits.

Do whats right for you and youll be ok!

LegacyUser

Personally I think he did it on purpose, especially if he was on top of you. Accusing him of rape is over the top. You're in a loving relationship, you've just had sex, you're both naked in bed, you've already consented to sex and have no problem being naked with him, he's turned on and initiates relations again. It's selfish of him and poor judgement on his part, but rape is too strong a term for it considering the sexual act was consented to before this and the morning after this. Have you ever tried to stimulate him while he's asleep to see how he reacts or to see if he wakes in order to have sex, that too could be seen as sexual abuse of him if you're to apply legal terms to intimate situations.
I know there'll be screams of derision about this post howling about a woman's right etc, but accusation of rape is very serious and carries very heavy penalties in terms of imprisonment if convicted and being marginalised in society. Does his actions in a loving relationship deserve to be called raped. If my girlfried thought doing a wee wee on me while I slept was a sexual turn on I'd personally find it disguisting but I wouldn't accuse her of having assaulted me and inform the Gardai, I'd tell her to feck of and not do that again.
Tell him to cop-on and show some respect for your right to safe sex, but don't accuse the chap of RAPE.

annon123

Hi op. Please nip this one in the bud. Speaking from experience, if you don't then he will think he can get away with more and more. Personally i feel like it is a lack of respect for you and your body. I am afraid i haven't had time to read everyones replies because i was just skimming but your title jumped out at me because it was the end reason i ended a relationship. The culmination was for me to wake up after a night out drinkin,being completely comatosed,having refused him a number of times that night because i was not well,having my bottoms being pulled off, i had been off the pill because of med reasons so condoms were essential but he didn't ever seem to think so. I felt sick at his lack of respect. Please don't make my mistake by not being forceful from the beginning. We'd had many rows from the beginning but i don't tink i was strong enough to begin with. I saw someone's post saying they enjoy it, which is great, but if you yourself do not like the thoughts of hoping not to wake up being mauled every night then draw the line and tell him not to cross it.:) hopefully this will work and ye wil be back to a perfect loving respectful relationship in no time

CDfm

Unreg - I saw your post.

When two naked people sleep together they can intertwine. Its just as likely that a woman can come onto a guy too sleep wise too and make him excited too. Like hands, bums and genetalia are in the mix. Thats life.Its what naked people do.Shellyboo seems on track.

Now I dont know you or this boy. Boys often like to appear more knowlegeable and experienced than they are. Maybe -just maybe - your guy isn't experienced he may not know the do's and don'ts and it is something you should consider.I dont know whether the guy was awake or not.

So you have to talk about this and I reckon the best and most benign way is to bring it up with a conversation about contraception. That would be the best way to approach it as your guy may not be as worldly wise as all that. Anyway, even if he is its a way to approach it that allows you to take a view.

LegacyUser

OP again,
Many thanks for replies.
I have been at my boyfriends all weekend and I decided to see how things went in the bedroom before bringing the incident up with him. There was no repeat of what happened the last time we were together. I asked him if he remembered what had happened and he said he vaguely remembered but what he really heard was me saying no and that if I said no it meant no-even if we were halfway through, so to speak. I think it was a once-off incident and will not happen again, but as one poster said at least he knows what consent means and there is no grey area.
Thanks for the opinions, some of the suggestions were very helpful in framing the dicussion with my OH. I would say like anything else in a relationship, talking about it in a non-confrontational way has cleared the air and I hope this issue won't arise again!!!