Getting time for yourselves?

Sleepy

I don't really see any solution to this one but maybe someone out there has been in a similar position before and can offer another viewpoint?

Myself and my partner live with our 1 year old daughter and a four year old boy. Since our daughter was born we've managed to get an over-night babysitter (some friends of mine who've since split up) once. We've had a few nights out together when down visiting my mother in Galway (where we're going out with one eye on the clock and a 7am start for at least one of us) but other than that we've only been able to go out separately, something we've only even really had the energy to do for about the last 3/4 months.

I wouldn't say it's putting a strain on our relationship but we're certainly missing out on having time for 'us'. Due to reasons of geography or unwillingness to help, we can't really turn to family for babysitting, we're living in an area we love but one where we don't really know anyone as it's quite isolated, even if we could find a babysitter we'd trust from the area (Wicklow) it would be prohibitively expensive, especially since I lost my job recently and even if we could afford the 50/60 quid for a babysitter for the night, adding in taxi fares (for us and them) and a night out would be coming close to €200 where again, we'd be up early the next day...

How do others deal with this? Just get used to having no social life? I know most of my friends who have children are luckier than us in relation to family helping out with the child minding but that's not an option unfortunately...

One thing I had thought of was if we could find a couple / parent in the area in a similar position to us who'd be prepared to trade childminding services i.e. we take theirs for a night and a few weeks later / the next month they take ours for the night. Unfortunately, not being from the area, we don't know anyone else around here who'd be interested in something like that and we're not really the sort who'd fancy trying this out with someone we found on an ad in a supermarket...

Any thoughts?

littlebug

Sleepy wrote: »

Any thoughts?

Yes... you're doing well... it took us 7 years to get a night away

Seriously I feel your pain. We don't have any family near us either and very occasionally get a babysitter in so we have a night out (one of us stays sober) so yeah the social life has taken a hit alright. I talked about this with one friend who is in the same boat and we loosely agreed to start an arrangement like you suggested once her youngest is gone past the "not being settled by anyone but mammy" phase. I don't think I would set up such an arrangement with someone I didn't already know well though.

Sleepy

littlebug wrote: »

I don't think I would set up such an arrangement with someone I didn't already know well though.

Was half thinking that a website where you could set up your 'family profile' to find a family with similar values etc might be a goer but like yourself, I'd only really be inclined to do this with a family I already know quite well...

TargetWidow

Our DD is 19mths now and we've only had one brief but beautiful dinner out by ourselves thanks to a very well known and trusted friend who has raised 5 of her own and who DD knows quite well. It is incredibly tough. Personally I wouldn't use a website for finding someone to babysit. A large part of my problem is that we are so demanding in our standards for a babysitter. Above all else we must know the person and trust them absolutely. DH works nights which makes it tricky and DD and I are up 5 days a week at 7 like yourselves. It is worse at the moment because I am 5 weeks pregnant and I struggle to stay awake till 9pm but for the last year and a half we have rented DVDs and had popcorn and made our own little movie nights, since we are both total movie buffs. Sunday nap-time is nice too.... we read the best bits of the Sunday Times to each other draped across the couch drinking tea. It's not forever, and TBH I'd gladly give up my social life 10times over for the experience, so just for now we are grateful for all we have and the little bits of special time we do get together.

Das Kitty

Do both your kids sleep through the night?

You could look at having a date night in your own house. Put the kids down a little early, cook or order in a nice meal, light a couple of candles and turn off the TV. I know it's not the same as getting out of the house but any bit of couple time has to be enriching for your relationship.

goosie2005

what about, trading babysitting nights with friends who also have kids, but you go to their house to babysit theirs (while your OH stays with yours) and your friend comes to your house to babysit yours another night. Much less stressful for the kids. You could build it up slowly, say from when kids in bed (8pm or whatever) til midnight. One date each a month. No cost involved, kids might not even see your friend if they are settled in bed when they come.

LeoB

We have just had our first night away on our own in 12years. Its what we bought into. We got my niece (23) to stay in our house with the kids for weekend so there was minimal disruption. Do you have an aunt,uncle work collegue(former) brother or sister who could stay weekend? Both our mothers died in the last 4 years and they used to babysit togeather for us soo it was a social occasion for them

Agree with Das Kitty, We sometimes have a nice meal planned for home or get a meal delivered. It was strange being away from kids but so peaceful and quiet. We still have family around us but we both think with our eldest just 12 we would prefer to go away and have them with us.

Maybe we are mad!!!

delly

Delly jr. is approaching 2 1/2 at the moment and myself and the wife have had one meal out alone in that time. Its funny actually because before we had the wee one we ate out 2 or 3 nights a week, and as I've no interest in drink, its all about the food for a good night out.

Now we still go out a bit to family friendly places, but on occasion I wouldn't mind a meal for two instead of three. But on the flipside we both keep the little non children time to do things together and on our own. Saturday nights for example are always Chinese or Indian takeaway night with a movie ready to role as soon as the food hits the plates. As we are usually out and about on the Saturday we can also usually skip the nap which ensures a prompt bedtime of 8 or so.

Sunday mornings are sometimes cinema time for either of us, and i'm happy enough to spend a few hours eating popcorn and nachos at 11 in the morning. The plan now is to make it a double experience while leaving the wee one with a relative, none of which live near us but we'll use a cinema that's near a relatives home rather than ours.

Tabnabs

We've had two or three nights with junior packed off to stay with his grandparents (he's 6 months now). And individually we have had another two or three nights where one goes out and stays over with their parents or comes home in small hours and the "babysitter" parent looks after junior the next day while the hanging together parent recovers.

We miss him terribly when he's away so we won't do it again for a while. Although, I have to go to London on business in January and we did think about running away for the weekend, but guilt snapped us back into line.

The only way we'd give him away for the night is to family. Evenings out (or in) are only so-so, as one person has to stay off the booze to be the responsible one should something go wrong, or even to hear the alarm go off at seven in the morning. It also now makes holidays an interesting new adventure too...

MLE

Really know how you feel, I really miss going out and especially away with my hubby. We have a 5 and 2 year old. We both get out seperately but very rarely together, we do have family around so we are very lucky. But my mil is usually wrecked from looking after my SIL's kids during the week and my mother looks after mine when I work 3 days a week, so we can only call upon them on a very rare occasion.

We have gotten out to the cinema around 6 times this year but we have not gotten a night away together in well over a year, hopefully we will get one away soon as my hubby is out a lot and I really miss having him around.

Noffles

Our lad is in his teens now and as he's able to stay in and go out on his own our social life is improving again... if you have good family, as we didn't it's easy to carry on as you were, almost... without them it's nigh on impossible...

Kids eh, who'd have em!!!!

littlebug

It's funny ... on our one and only night away we missed them terribly though we had a lovely night at the same time. We'd hate to be away from them for a whole weekend let alone any longer. A friend of mine and her husband take a weeks holidays every year without their kids.... I couldn't do that Besides... they're good fun and good company.

All that said... it is important to have time for ourselves and it is something we don't do very often. I work from home a lot so am often stuck at the pc as soon as they go to bed. If I need to be in town for work we do sometimes organise lunch "dates" which is nice.