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50 Christmas crackers ... few corny ones guarenteed

  • 04-11-2009 1:36pm
    #1
    dak
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭


    WHAT happened to the hyena who fell into a pot of gravy?

    He made a laughing stock of himself.

    WHAT goes ha ha ha clonk?

    A man laughing his head off
    WHY is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?

    They have two left feet.

    WHAT is the definition of an American Bra?

    One yank and it's off
    WHAT'S six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?

    Money.

    A MAN goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

    And he replied: "It's OK, I'll give you some cream for that."
    WHY did the hedgehog cross the road?

    To see his flatmate!

    WHAT goes up and never comes down?

    Your age.
    WHAT do you call a woman who has lost 95 per cent of her brain?

    Divorced.

    WHAT do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?

    A sour puss!
    WHAT did the one strand of hair say to the other strand of hair when asked if he could borrow his shampoo?

    Yes, but only on one conditioner.

    WHAT happened to the blonde tap dancer?

    She fell in the sink.
    WHAT did the Policeman say to the stomach?

    You're under a vest.


    WHAT do you give a man who has everything?

    Antibiotics.
    DID you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

    He's fully recovered.

    WHAT do you call a man thatplays with leaves?

    Rustle!
    TWO oranges walk into a bar.

    One says to other: "You're round."

    WHAT do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

    A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye!
    A MAN goes to see his Doctor and says: "Doctor I have a lettuce stuck in my bottom."
    The Doctors takes a look and replies: "That's only the tip of the iceberg."
    WHAT do anniversaries and toilets have in common?

    Men always miss them

    DID you hear of the mathematician who had constipation?

    In the end he had to work it out with a pencil.
    HOW do hedgehogs make love?

    Very carefully.

    WHAT do you call a girl with eggs and bacon in her hair?

    Cathy.
    HOW do you keep your husband from reading your emails?

    Rename the folder 'Instruction Manuals'.




    WHAT do you get when you put a fish and an elephant together?

    Swimming trunks.
    WHAT are three words you never want to hear while making love?

    Honey, I'm home!

    WHY did the jazz musician like the wooden board?

    Because it had a nice groove in it!
    "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."

    "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

    WHAT'S brown, steams and comes out of Cowes?

    The Isle of Wight ferry.
    WHO'S the coolest person at a hospital?

    The Ultra Sound Guy!


    HOW do you know you're living in a redneck town?

    You get married for the third time and have the same in-laws
    I had a crash with an ice-cream van last night. I wasn’t hurt, just had a bit of Mr Whippy lash.


    WHAT'S orange and fizzy and comes down the chimney at Christmas?

    Fanta Claus!
    WHAT do you call a nun that sleepwalks?

    A roaming Catholic.


    WHAT do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?

    Nacho Cheese
    WHAT do you do if your toe falls off?

    Call a TOW truck for help!


    WHICH island has the highest death rate?

    Corpsica!
    AN invisible man marries an invisible woman.

    The kids were nothing to look at either.


    WHAT wobbles and flies?

    A Jelly-copter.
    WHAT is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

    There have been sightings of UFOs.


    WHAT is the difference between a woman and a magnet?

    Magnets have a positive side!
    HOW did the beaver get online?

    He logged on!


    HOW do you get a fat person in bed?

    A piece of cake.
    WHAT'S the similarity between PlayStations and boobs?

    Both are made for children, but used by adults.


    What do you call a basement full of blondes?

    A whine cellar.
    WHAT'S got two grey legs and two browns legs?

    An elephant with diarrhoea.


    HEAR about the man that collected five thousand door knockers?

    He won a nobel prize.
    WHAT'S brown and sits on a wall?

    Humpty dump



    WHAT has four legs but can't walk?

    A table!


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