Reasonableness?

spitonmedickie

Hey,

Long time reader of the forum, first time poster! Just a question. Been seeing a girl for 3 months. We live about 45mins away from each other. Meet in a town 10 mins from her, 35 from me. Go cinema, pub, dinner, walk etc. there.

To be frank, I'm getting a bit cranky that she's never come to where I live in the 3 months. I don't mind driving and I know she gets up earlier and commutes far longer than I do. Also if we're meeting during the week I stay late in worK (til after 7) as it's half way between my home town and where we meet.

She came down the country with me to my home place to to a family event last week, didn't have to but it was nice and appreciated. But are guys expected to do all the running? Is it unreasonable to expect her to come to me once in 3 months? I'm a bit sick of the same road, and there's places and things I'd like to show her. She lives with her parents while I'm in my own place so I'd like the opportunity for fires, dvds etc that we haven't had together!

She's feeling guilty about it because I was tired last night and I mentioned it, but it's come up before and she's yet to come to mine.

What do people think? Am I being unreasonable?

S

shellyboo

Have you asked her to come down and she's refused? Or are you expecting her to read your mind? If you've established a pattern and she doesn't know you're unhappy with it, then she's hardly going to make a massive effort to change it.

Just ask her to come down. Simple as that. If she says no, well that's another issue.

spitonmedickie

She knows I'd like her to come to mine every once in a while! Won't say she's refused but it's yet to happen! I've stopped suggesting it at this stage (except it came up last night again). It's assumed I'm going there. Cinema times are for there, where we're meeting is assumed to be there. Nothing proactive about coming to mine!

shellyboo

Have you proactively asked her? Hints and tips and suggestions are not going to work. Make plans. Tell her you're cooking her dinner at your house next weekend, and ask what would she like to eat. Just present it to her as "these are the plans". If she has a problem visiting, you need to be upfront in asking her so she can say yes or no.

IF she says no, you can then address why she doesn't want to come down. You say you've been seeing her 3 months - have you slept together yet? If not, this could be why she doesn't want to stay at yours.

spitonmedickie

Look at you little miss perceptive!:D We shared a bed while down in mine, yes! And I've said it'd be nice to do it a sat or sunday, have the daylight, no suggestion of sleeping with anyone anywhere!

While I haven't presented it as a fait d'accompli its come up in every 'what're we doing this weekend' convo. Suggestion last night was it'll be the last weekend of the month. Any idea why (if) she's stalling?

shellyboo

spitonmedickie wrote: »

Look at you little miss perceptive!:D We shared a bed while down in mine, yes! And I've said it'd be nice to do it a sat or sunday, have the daylight, no suggestion of sleeping with anyone anywhere!

While I haven't presented it as a fait d'accompli its come up in every 'what're we doing this weekend' convo. Suggestion last night was it'll be the last weekend of the month. Any idea why (if) she's stalling?

Heh. She might not want to lead you on if you guys haven't sealed the deal yet, in fact I'd say this could be the most likely reason, tbh. Even if you haven't been putting pressure on her, there'd be an implicit expectation of sex. If you think that could be an issue, tell her you just want her to see your house, etc, and that you'll sleep in the spare room/on the sofa if it makes her more comfortable.

She could also be stalling for any number of other reasons! Are her parents very strict? Would they go mental about her going to stay with you? Really and truly the only way to know is to ask her why she's reluctant.

spitonmedickie

Have done. And no real answer. Parents aren't strict (spend Fri to Sun with me down the country last weekend). And tbh while sealing the deal might be a wider issue I can't see how it is about coming to my gaff for lunch and taking a stroll round here

shellyboo

Well, she could be just being careful. Really, if I wasn't ready to sleep with a guy, I wouldn't be going to his house, I just wouldn't put myself in that situation - wouldn't be fair on either of us.

What did she say when you asked her?

spitonmedickie

It's not even my house I'm pushing! Its my bars, restaurants, riverwalks, cinema!! 'I will, no good at new things, never driven into the middle of the town, don't know how to find your place' is the general things she has said. I (anyway) think that we've addressed any sex issue and that we both know whats on and not on the cards there (and the whens and why fors).

shellyboo

spitonmedickie wrote: »

It's not even my house I'm pushing! Its my bars, restaurants, riverwalks, cinema!! 'I will, no good at new things, never driven into the middle of the town, don't know how to find your place' is the general things she has said. I (anyway) think that we've addressed any sex issue and that we both know whats on and not on the cards there (and the whens and why fors).

Hmm. She's dodging for sure. Go up, get her, drive her back, show her the route. Don't leave her with any possible excuse. She's reluctant about something, you need to bring this to a head if you're going to get it out of her.

spitonmedickie

Guess so. Might try it this sat or sun. pick her up, drop her back. Go do something in between and if she doesn't come again give up?

Was really feeling guilty about being somewhat insistant on this but I take it expecting her to drive 45 mins to see me once in 3 and a bit months isn't unreasonable.

ash23

I think she just sounds a bit lazy. I mean, none of us really like wasting our time travelling. But it has to be done.

All her excuses are just that, excuses.

Pick a town halfway. Tell her you'll meet her there for something. Start at that point.

For eg, if I were living in dublin and he were living in galway, i'd be meeting him in athlone. For a while anyway. And then I'd be alternating it one weekend at a time. Not to a strict schedule but some give and take at least.

Do you find her selfish in other ways?
Like, does she expect you to pay for stuff all the time or does she expect you to make all the arrangments. Does she do special, thoughtful things for you etc....

spitonmedickie

Thanks for the replies.

No can't really say she's selfish in other ways. Neither of us are the huge romantic gesture type but she's very fair re paying for things, decisions etc. Its really the travelling is the only manifestation (so far, touch wood).

Thought of the halfway thing but there's nowhere.

ash23

Ok, well thats good that it isn't an overall thing, that it's just the travelling.

So really, all you can do is offer to go and get her, bring her to your town and basically anihhilate all her excuses. Alternatively, get her a sat nav for christmas and program your address into it

Is she a nervous driver?

daisybelle2008

shellyboo wrote: »

Heh. She might not want to lead you on if you guys haven't sealed the deal yet, in fact I'd say this could be the most likely reason, tbh. Even if you haven't been putting pressure on her, there'd be an implicit expectation of sex.

I agree with above. Although I am not clear from your responses if you have or haven't had sex. You said something about sharing a bed alright.

I really cannot see any other reason than her avoiding sex with you, for whatever reason.
I think you need to look at the real reason she is avoiding your place instead of cajoling and trying to persuade her. She clearly is avoiding it and there is a root cause for that.
My feeling is that it something to do with s*x, only you can answer that though.

spitonmedickie

Not especially nervous, uses train for work or whatever but went to college on the 'near' side of the town I'm living in one night a week for a year!
Interestingly is leaving one party make all the decisions inherently selfish? I know I'm left doing more organising but its getting more evenly spread than at the start.

Was afraid I was getting lazy or selfish and I know its only 40 mins or whatever but there's times it's nice not to be on the road.

spitonmedickie

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I agree with above. Although I am not clear from your responses if you have or haven't had sex. You said something about sharing a bed alright.

I really cannot see any other reason than her avoiding sex with you, for whatever reason.
I think you need to look at the real reason she is avoiding your place instead of cajoling and trying to persuade her. She clearly is avoiding it and there is a root cause for that.
My feeling is that it something to do with s*x, only you can answer that though.

Hi DaisyB, we haven't have s*x, have shared a bed for a night. It's not something I was planning on getting into. It was always my intention that we meet during day, no suggestion she stay over really, do all the things we do in her home town just in my town instead. Not sure how s*x could come into it (even though I've learnt it creeps into the most unexpected places!).

XarcherX

ok, i would think it's definately the sex thing she's stalling on... it's understandable that she'd be nervous if as you say she hasn't had much experience... and no matter what spin you put on it, she is going to think that spending time alone in your house with you will inevitably lead to sex and maybe she isn't ready for whatever reason...
that being said you need to be more direct with her, come and collect her and bring her to your place and don't try anything the first time... she might relax a bit more then.
Also, one question, has she met or spent time with any of your friends? as she could be nervous about meeting them as well. It is kind of nerve-racking meeting a gang of your OH's mates for the first time as she'll be put on the spot.

daisybelle2008

spitonmedickie wrote: »

Hi DaisyB, we haven't have s*x, have shared a bed for a night. It's not something I was planning on getting into. It was always my intention that we meet during day, no suggestion she stay over really, do all the things we do in her home town just in my town instead. Not sure how s*x could come into it (even though I've learnt it creeps into the most unexpected places!).

Wasn't thinking of making a thread on this but...

I'm slightly 'highly' sexed, like it, quite sexual, touchy feely. She's in her mid 20s and not had it and from what I gather isnt that experienced. Just no interest and not had any huge opportunities or occassions. She appears to be very stable, normal, jst not too pushed about the beast with the 2 backs. I can see it being an issue in the future but I''ve made it clear I'm not in a huge rush and its not a source of frustration etc currently.

With the pretty open conversations we've had about s*x I really can't see how visiting my place for lunch on a Sunday or whatever should be postponed in case I jump her!

You say you have had open convos about sex but you 'gather' she is not experienced and it seems to be an assumption that she is not pushed and maybe a virgin.
You can see it being an issue in the future, sorry mate I think it is a huge issue now.
Not going to your house is avoiding moving in that direction on her part. Whether it is Sunday lunch or whatever. There is a big double bed and an opportunity for uninterrupted s*x sitting like a white elephant in your house. She wants to avoid those scenarios. Your house represents s*x.
Honestly the barriers are up and she is resisting putting them down.
It is not about your house, it is about s*x.
If she is not that interested and you are highly sex'd you are mismatched in a very important area. You are only 3 months in, you really need to think if this is a good fit for you.
Your relationship is going to move from
a) you trying to twist her arm to go to your house, to
b) twisting her arm for s*x,
she knows this and is preventing b by preventing a.