Taking a break - what does it really mean?

nesbitt

My BF of a few months has again asked to take a break for a month.

He has issues mostly it seems or so he says with himself. However my take on this is that while we have a lot of good things going on together. I must not be all that for him or he would not risk losing me on a break.

Things have been on off since beginning of Sept. I posted on here because he wanted us to step down to FWB and took the advice posted to me and avoided. I told him that exclusivity, affection and all the usual stuff was what I need and FWB is not for me.

He is a flamboyant type of person but with a generosity of spirit and good heart that is hard to find. If I was not so hugely attracted to him, and enjoyed such a great sex life, I don't think I would be even posting this and would have been long gone. We are both older and should be wiser at this stage with grown up families etc. but seems getting it right with someone can be difficult at any age.

So we talked yesterday, get on so well, but agreed on a break for all his reasons, he needs to work on issues within himself etc. I am not without choices and could date someone else fairly quickly if I so choose. On the one hand this may ease the pain of being on a break but will of course cloud my judgement.

So guys/gals what is your experience of the 'I can't put you down, want to keep you in the background and wait a month for me to sort my head out routine'?

Thanks.

Wibbs

I dunno generally a break is the prelude to a breakup. A way for one party if not both to ease into the notion of it's over. It's nearly always the case a few years in. I would say personally for me the best definition is the party suggesting the break is not getting what they feel they want in the relationship. This could be down to boredom(more common than admitted in LTR), someone else involved, issues coming to the fore that haven't been dealt with etc.

The "need to find myself" angle in most cases in my humble yet cynical opinion is guff. I can find myself pretty well, but I've usually if not always found more of myself as part of an emotional team.

In this case and at this stage I would say he wants the FWB angle, has tried to come halfway and it's not working for him. Now if he's being cool about it that's fine, but sometimes a break is a bargaining tool. I'm not getting what I want so I'll suggest a break to panic you into coming around to my way of thinking. Kinda like a more dubious less healthy version of what you did when you said you couldn't be FWB, so it was relationship or nothing.

I would say nice as he may be, if it's only a few months in when it's usually firing on all cylinders and he's suggesting a break on the back of previous uncertainties I wouldn't be waiting around. Especially if you have options. I'd call him on it myself.

nesbitt

I must admit you hit the nail on the head, about my mindset on working on your issues. I do that on an ongoing basis, part of life really. I can do that with someone in my life, don't need to shut them out...

I am emotionally involved, so the FWB was just not an option. He back tracked big style on this and said he totally understood and that he had suggested it tongue in cheek!

I think he is keeping the door ajar with me and needs space to pursue options... Who knows he would not be without choices either and thats grand in my view.

I said look we tried this and it has not worked out for us, but he has suggested and having a break for another month.

I'm just going to go with the flow and go out with friends and enjoy my free time. Oh and hopefully I might get a call from my other option, that would be a grand diversion too.

So thanks Wibbs I'll do my thing in the meantime and go for it.

i55ed5

The important word in that opening sentance was "again". He has asked for a break previously.? He's trying to break up with you without actualy saying it... He has no nuts

nesbitt

Its been on/off thing going on since Sept. I think its a case of him keeping his options open with me. Does not want to close the door fully.

Yeah probably means lacking in liathrodi but he is usually confident, and proactive type of person. It is grand in once sense and perversely flattering but a head and heart wreck otherwise.

There are issues he needs to address and I can see those clearly but I am into him warts and all. Thats me. However as previously stated you should be able to progress yourself with someone in your life.

So I'm thinking now that HE is not for me, feel somewhat messed about but it was very enjoyable sojourn...

As your posts evolve I can almost hear the pennies dropping, I love that.

You know exactly what you want and need and have held out for that so far, don't let yourself down now.

And hey, it's possible he will resolve these issues and be the better for it AND want you back ... but in the meantime you have to let him go do.

Whynotme

Maybe he is being perfectly honest with you and sorting his 'issues' out is taking longer than he thought. Maybe he genuinely only meant it to be a month. Having done this with my oh in the summer, I have to say that it was a turning point in our relationship. We have been together going on 5 yrs and in recent times life has been turbulent (being kind!) for us both for various reasons. I took a month out. That month gave me breathing space, space to deal with my own issues, suggested he look at his issues at the same time as he knew he wasn't coping but wasn't doing anything to resolve anything. It worked brilliantly. Our relationship is so much better and we are more 'together' than we ever were. Maybe yours will be too. A break does not mean that he is hedging his bets or that he is building up to a break up.

nesbitt

Whynotme wrote: »

Maybe he is being perfectly honest with you and sorting his 'issues' out is taking longer than he thought. Maybe he genuinely only meant it to be a month. Having done this with my oh in the summer, I have to say that it was a turning point in our relationship. We have been together going on 5 yrs and in recent times life has been turbulent (being kind!) for us both for various reasons. I took a month out. That month gave me breathing space, space to deal with my own issues, suggested he look at his issues at the same time as he knew he wasn't coping but wasn't doing anything to resolve anything. It worked brilliantly. Our relationship is so much better and we are more 'together' than we ever were. Maybe yours will be too. A break does not mean that he is hedging his bets or that he is building up to a break up.

Im glad it worked out for you. I think the fact that you were together 5 years is relevant. I see what you mean about breathing space etc. I'm not going anywhere so if he comes back and wants to take a good thing further than great but I am not going to turn down a date from someone else that is very nice in the meantime. On the other hand I could get a call in a month to say that he has met someone else. I'll just play it cool and see what happens. It is good to get different perspectives. Thanks all.

kev_s88

from personal experience a "break" is just a fancy way of saying i want to break up but still leave you hanging and have you hoping that maybe someday soon you'll come back and we'll be together again...

if i were you id get out while you can...its only a matter of time!

nesbitt

I think that given the fact we had only been seeing each other a few months it does seem that this 'break' is a break up! I have mulled it all over this week and am in a happier place in my head to let him go for good. Too many issues there. I think it is a case of loads of attraction but not enough affection. As people we get on really well and all the usual cliches but I'm moving on. I'm not getting in touch either what will be will be. I'm looking forward to a busy weekend with family/friends. I met someone for coffee yesterday and got email for lunch date next week. So life goes on guys... If your nursing a broken heart just keep busy and keep going...

Thanks all.