True Story - Great potential... Pls Help

eoin ryan

Hi All,

10years ago i was a backpacker who worked on a Prawn Trawler between Australia and Pappa New Guinea.
I was on the boat for 6 weeks and kept a diary of events.
It turned from a most gratifying experience (learing how to fish) to a terrifying experience (we nearly sank) to a hostage experience (they wouldn't let me leave the boat despite having two cracked ribs which the Skipper broke in a fight). I have documented all 42 days in diary format.

Recently I returned from my second burst of backpacking. The travel stories flowed and once again mine was singled out as something that people considered worth writing/ reading. I have heard this suggestion so many times from so many ppl that i feel obliged to bring it to life. It is a rollercoaster of a journal and not without dark and humerous sides.

My career has been in Marketing to date. I watch trends all the time and can see that America's Deadliest Catch on Discovery chanel (programme about Trawling) is an A rated show on TV. Now is probably the best time to be considering a book of this nature (?) The only other book of the same gerne is Redmond O'Hanlon's - Trawler. In my own opinion - my experience was much more captivating and unforeseen than his (sorry i had to say it - I know it sounds bad)

There are more strings as to how this episode has moulded my life. The results have been visible for all to see through various different endurance sporting events I have engaged in for charity. It has made me very resiliant - I was pushed to the brink on this boat through enforced sleep deprivation and overworking

I have attempted to write this book (I have 100k words put down) but at best - I'm an above average writer (or below perhaps). I have quotes, photos and more to tell in this story. One thing is for certain - no Irish backpacker will ever lie about having fishing experience again.
I went looking for adventure off the beaten track and I certainly got bundles of it... Its a classic Travel story

I would really appreciate if someone could give me a steer about what i might do. It would be a shame not to try to get it out there (or so I've been freshly convinced). I also believe it has great potential
Maybe there are some specific publishing houses that would be interested in this type of story...?

Any help is appreciated.

Thanks

pickarooney

I would start by getting someone whose honest opinion you value to read bits of the book (let them choose a chapter at random rather than selecting for them). No matter how interesting the story (and it does sound fascinating) if it's not written in an engaging way it won't go very far.

To be brutally honest, the style of your post would put me off. Things like this:

The results have been visible for all to see through various different endurance sporting events I have engaged in for charity

I don't know who 'all' are, but I don't know you from Adam and if I'm reading about your adventures on a prawn trawler I couldn't care less about what sporting events you got into later on.

Also, the rather cynical question of when best to launch your book to cash in on it doesn't really endear you (although I admire your honesty and lack of false modesty and can fully understand you wanting to earn as much as you can from your adventures).

eoin ryan

I guess i should have taken more time to consider the audience who would be reading this post.... I'm getting evaluated. Not a problem

I make no bones about wishing this to be a comercial success. Wouldn't it be nice if that was achieved.... Who wouldn't like that to happen?!

The Charity and events are an aside to the request for advice. I have no interest in elabourating on it except to say that this time on the boat had an impact on my life that mentally prepared me to do these events. Thats all really.

So - if someone can give me a steer like the helpful bit of advice that pickarooney gave I would really appreciate it. I'd regret it if i don't give this an honest attempt.

Thanks for your time
Eoin

EileenG

You've written it, so put some up and we'll read it and see what works and what needs more editing.

To be honest, with a first book, I would just write it in the most honest, entertaining way possible, rather than trying to aim it at a particular market. If you have a great story, then your publisher will help you tweak it if necessary, but if the story is not good, you won't sell it.

The first rule is, you have to write so that people want to read.

eoin ryan

This is section mid way through a chapter (a long one). The equipment has been explained in previous chapters.

Appreciate any pointers. Thank you


Suddenly, there was an almighty - BANG! I was the slowest to react. Stu let a roar and pulled me to the deck by the t-shirt.
‘Get the **** down Irish!’
The last distinctive sound before the grinding noise of steal was a swishing cable wire through the air. Peter was still standing on the ladder when it happened. He froze to watch the unfolding events. Seconds later he ran up to the bridge. The boat was starting to rapidly keel over to the left. Jesus *****! Did we hit something? Were we sinking? The three of us got up from the side of the table, using it to keep balance. The angle of the boat was almost too severe to stand unaided. Within seconds the sea was submerging the left safety barrier. The box of prawns we were filling was floating in the newly formed pool of water trapped between the barrier and the deck.
This new water feature was expanding rapidly. The sea was effectively coming in on our boat. Half the deck was now covered in water. Oh my god! We were sinking. The waves were now crashing against the left hand side of the table. The barrier was useless. The water level was rising causing the keel to increase – we were being dragged under. The last thing I remember before Peter put the boat out of gear was the dorsal fins of the sharks. They could swim over the barrier if they wished. The three of us were holding onto the table, no longer for support, but for our lives.

It took a second or two for the boat to come to a halt. Fortunately for us we were on the crest of a swell and about to move momentarily to the right. This meant we began to slowly straighten up a few degrees. This caused the water captured on the left hand side of the deck to come flooding across to the right. In doing so it also went gushing through the open Galley door. Worse still, it poured down the hatch into the engine room. The three of us took this opportunity to clamber up the ladder to the Bridge. Instinctively, we tried to get to higher ground. From the top deck I had a quick chance to look around. The first noticeable thing was the absence of the boom on the left side. ****! That was all I had time to take in before the lights flickered and then failed. We’d just lost all power on the boat.

Peter was talking on the radio. All I could hear was: [/font]
‘**** it. **** it!’
Things didn’t seem to be going that well for him.
‘Give me a ****ing hand Tom! Get the torch so I can see what I’m doing. Hurry!’
That was it. As soon as I heard Peter say: “hurry” I knew we were in trouble. We were keeling over to the left again. I was too stunned to pray although I kept on saying ‘*****’ over and over again. Peter was back talking on the radio. It wasn’t a Mayday Call, but he was giving co-ordinates. My eyes had now fully adjusted to the moonlight. I’d spotted the end of the boom, half submersed, splashing in the water at the back of the boat. We hadn’t lost it. It was hanging at the side of the boat. I followed its shape back to where it ought to be. It was still connected to the mast but at a completely different angle. It was bent back ninety degrees pointing downwards into the sea. What in Gods name happened? The moonlight silhouetted on the water gathering on the back deck. Had the water subsided a little? I couldn’t exactly say. The scuppers were now completely ineffective – they were submerged. This created a worrying problem. Every wave was pouring more water over the barrier. There was nowhere for it to go except into the Galley or engine room. I was scared.
‘Are we sinking Stu?’
‘I don’t know Irish’.

Peter and Tom burst out of the Bridge.
‘Get ropes! We need to secure the boom first before we loose it’.
This was a lot more positive than ‘abandon ship’. I felt slightly more reassured. They led the charge down the ladder. Stu and I followed quickly behind.
‘Shut the door of the Galley and close the ****ing engine hatch!’
Peter barked the orders before he waded towards the mast. The boys were quickest to react. I watched Peter splashing towards the mast. Tom opened the hatch of the spare parts room in the centre of the deck and tore down the ladder.
‘Irish hold the hatch! Stu take the ropes from me!’
The boat was still rocking uncontrollably. The swells were throwing us about in the sea. Water was still gushing over the barrier all around the deck. We were in the centre of the boat where the water was now above our shins. Stu was finding it hard to keep his balance as he received the ropes. He got down on his knees to avoid being tumbled through the open hatch on top of Tom. I held onto the hatch for support. Tom received the ropes and placed them on the deck. I put my foot on the ropes to prevent them from floating away. Peter was back amongst us now.
‘Give me that one quickly mate. The ****er is being pulled off the mast. Come on!’
Stu followed him; I waited until Tom was up and out of the storeroom. He wasted no time scaling the ladder - with good reason – water was starting to go over the brim of the hatch on top of him. The Trawler was taking on more water. I dropped the hatch and waded my way towards the boys holding onto the side of the table. Peter and Stu were throwing ropes around the boom. Peter was standing on top of the submerged barrier beside the mast trying to loop the rope inside and around the boom. Standing on the barrier meant his feet were now below sea level. If a shark wanted to have a go at his feet, it could. They hadn’t gone away. He worked fast. As soon as he had the ropes secured he retreated back onto the deck.
‘Pull these!’

and then it gets worse from here for us on the boat that night....

EileenG

It has a LOT of potential. However, it does need a bit of rewriting. For one thing, you have very long paragraphs, and for an action story, you should keep them much shorter and tighter.

For something like this, try to leave your own internal reactions out of it as much as possible, the reader can tell you may be sinking from water all over the place.

Cut back on phrases like "took the opportunity to climb". "We climbed" is enough. Or "This created a worrying problem." You've already described the problem, the reader will worry for you.

But it's definitely worth working on.

PurpleBee

what an unoriginal and vaguely insulting nickname he gave you, that kind of coloured my reading of the rest of the text to be honest. Its really hard to make action exciting by just describing it and for me it just wasn't exciting enough.

weiming

*ducks head in embarrassment, not having been around for months*

I agree on a few points made previously:

Some specific details of the writing need to be cleaned up. Grammar, spelling etc.

Having experienced these events yourself, all you have to do is simply write the word "sharks", and you relive the very real fear of the moment you experienced before.

For the reader who wasn't there, this is a rather dry statement that causes them to feel very little.

"There were sharks."

See?

I think that if this "play-by-play recounting" were "novelized" perhaps not completely, but enough to hook the reader, it could do very very well. For example, instead of saying "...if a shark wanted to have a go at his legs, it could (have)..." (a reflective observation, which written down (and not experienced first hand) comes across as almost laughably detached). Instead, you might try something like:

Peter was standing on top of the submerged barrier beside the mast, trying with surprising coolness to loop the rope around the boom. The dark water sloshed about his shins and I felt a tremor of fear pass through my body as I imagined one of the sharks suddenly surging forward and tearing the flesh from Peter's legs amidst his blood curdling screams.

Your writing is also a little too distinct and grocery-list in certain places for an adrenaline-pounding episode in which you feared for your very life. And in others, it is vague and indistinct. Compare the first paragraph:

Suddenly, there was a deafening bang that shook the entire ship and made my teeth rattle. I was the slowest to react. Stu roared and grabbed my t-shirt, wrenching me down onto the deck next to him.

'Get the **** down Irish!'

I heard a whizzing sound as a cable snapped loose and razored over our heads, followed by the tortured squeal of metal tearing itself apart. Peter was momentarily frozen on the ladder staring dumbly down at the ship. An instant later he was running up to the bridge as the boat lurched sickeningly onto its port side. (*can't a loose cable cut right through someone's body? you might want to convey this danger that people who have never sailed might not be aware of)

Jesus *****! had we hit something? Were we sinking?

Stu and I scrambled to our feet, clinging to a stationary table, struggling to remain standing as the deck slanted crazily beneath us.

Seawater continued to flood mercilessly over the barrier(is there a technical term for this? use it.). I stared dazedly at a box of prawns we had been filling, now floating helplessly in a newly formed pool of water trapped between the barrier and the deck, and for the first time I realized we might actually sink...

My writing is far from exemplary, but you can see how my approach is different although I guess it might be a shade overdone. If your writing is too colorful and novelized, it loses the hardcore appeal of a real-life story. This is a difficult balance to maintain. Compare this paragraph again in more of a "telling the story to my buds" format.


The barrier by the mast was already under water, but Peter was standing on top of it just the same. The water was up to his shins, but he was there trying to get the rope around the boom as though he had all the time in the world. Now that I think about it, that was pretty brave. I was standing near the hatch trying not to think about one of the sharks racing over and ripping the flesh right off his legs.

I'm a very poor story teller (someone who can get and keep others' attention), but you get the idea.


If you go with the novelized approach, try to personify things (the ocean (mercilessly), the box of prawns (helplessly), the sharks (you get the idea)) make it so that they are bloodthirsty, cruel, afraid, whatnot. It seems that injecting emotions into things in the protagonist's environment bring out his own emotions in a believable way.

Rather than simply recounting the events (just as you would in a journal), you have to retell them, so that the reader is put into the moment, and lives through the experience just as you did.

You say your story has great potential, but what experience in life doesn't? People are born and die, wars are fought, loves are found and lost every single day. To draw a rather trite comparison, anyone can dig a diamond up out of the ground (if there are diamonds there), but only a good writer can polish and cut it into something beautiful to behold.

eoin ryan

Thanks a mil for the comments. Its given me food for thought...
I'm not sure what my next move will be. Being honest, having read through some of the posts in Creative writing, i realise that my talents don't and never will lie in writing.
What to do....??
Maybe there is a writer out there with an hour to spare who would like to chat.... (pls PM me) Crazy question perhaps...??!

pickarooney

I certainly wouldn't go as far as to say your talents don't lie in writing. I would say that you will need an honest friend and a ruthless editor to nip and tuck the 100k words into a story befitting the experiences. It can be very difficult to find someone with both the time to commit to such a project and the objectiveness to do it properly without some payback - either monetary or in the form of credit. Your best bet might be to offer a quid pro quo where you read and review someone else's work while they look at yours (you don't need to be a great writer to give honest feedback).

weiming

eoin ryan, I don't know why you're so down on your writing skills, I don't think there's anything wrong with them, I think you just chose a different approach.

Also, as I wrote, I'm not even sure a heavily novelized approach would be good, since it robs the story of its reality to a degree. Although I think "story telling" writing is equally demanding on the author, but in a different way.

There is such a thing as co-authoring and it seems to be quite common where people have had experiences they want to share but want help writing them down. I believe there's a thread on this board about that actually.

As far as reviewing the work, I just finished looking over a 50 page 20k-word "story" by a friend...do people not do that?

I would be happy to go over any amount of writing you have with a fine-tooth comb, eoin ryan. I can't guarantee the quality of the comb, and with school I can't guarantee lightning turnarounds either, but hey.

Reading over my previous post, the last section (which I meant to come across as a gentle reminder) seems downright callous. I don't mean at all to belittle your experience eoin ryan. I think you definitely have a diamond to polish, and would love to see the process.