Is she trying to burst my bubble?

LegacyUser

"hi

just looking for some general advice here.

im 24 and so is my friend. she just became a 1st time mam about 3 months ago- where as i have no children but recently bought my first house. to say im delighted an understatement but it seems the last month this friend has been trying to burst my bubble,
its constant negativity.

My partner finished work early a few days last week due to time he was owed, but according to her "they are slowly letting him home early bit by bit because theres no work for him and he will prob be fired"

also that "its a bad time to be buying a house because my partners jobs not stabe(he is there over 3 years its as stabe as her partner who is in the company less time than mine), "and the place im moving to is a hole and thats why i got it so cheap "(i actually got it cheap because the woman got a job in england and wanted a quick sale)

These things have all been said to my face, she says it in a jokey way but the intents there, its upsetting. It feels like she is trying to burst my bubble.

Everyone i meet is on about the house to me, when im moving in, whens the housewarming.
I never ever thought i would be accepted for the morgage or my offer accepted on the house so it was a great surprise.

I bought the house a month after she gave birth and my partner reckons shes annoyed bacause now the big news is not her and the baby anymore, which sounds so petty and childish but what else could it be.She had her eye on buying a place last year but fell preg and couldnt get the amount she wanted as she now had a dependant(so she says) so could it be shes annoyed because she feels im upstaging her.

I have said this to her and she got v snappy and said that i cant take a joke

any ideas?

useful_contacts

noiju wrote: »

im 24 and so is my friend. she just became a 1st time mam about 3 months ago- where as i have no children but recently bought my first house. to say im delighted an understatement

congrats OP

noiju wrote: »

My partner finished work early a few days last week due to time he was owed, but according to her "they are slowly letting him home early bit by bit because theres no work for him and he will prob be fired"

How did she know he finished early did you mention it to her?If so why?

noiju wrote: »

also that "its a bad time to be buying a house because my partners jobs not stabe(he is there over 3 years its as stabe as her partner who is in the company less time than mine), "and the place im moving to is a hole and thats why i got it so cheap "(i actually got it cheap because the woman got a job in england and wanted a quick sale)

if its such a bad time to buy a house then ask her why were you approved for the morgage ? theres no need for her to say that, its being bitchy

noiju wrote: »

Everyone i meet is on about the house to me, when im moving in, whens the housewarming.

I bought the house a month after she gave birth and my partner reckons shes annoyed bacause now the big news is not her and the baby

if everyone is on about it she mightbe feeling left out, maybe the baby was all everyone talked about and now its your house. Do ye talk about it in your group of friends much because if so she could be feeling pushed out

noiju wrote: »

She had her eye on buying a place last year

Oh really, so why all of sudden is it a bad time to buy a house, when before she fell pregnant was going to do the exact same thing.
H Y P R I C O T E

Tinkerbell09

hey op,
firstly congrats on your new house. its a huge achievement and you and your OH should be very proud.

either your friend is jealous, like you suggested, especially since her homemaking plans were derailed by junior, or it could be post natal depression that is causing her to be more negative about everything. or a mix of both.

if she is moany about other stuff then it might be baby blues.

bronte

She's got an odd sense of humour if she thinks those comments are funny.

Ask her to refrain from such comments in future if it's bugging you Op.

deisemum

Do you know if she's getting much sleep or any undisturbed sleep at night?

Maybe she's just so wrecked that she's not thinking straight and coming out with bitchy comments.

Sounds like she enjoyed all the attention when it was on her and now that it's shifted she's got her nose out of joint.

LegacyUser

useful_contacts wrote: »

congrats OP


How did she know he finished early did you mention it to her?If so why?

No i didnt mention it to her, she rang me and mentioned it, apparantly her boyfriend told her he went home early, not thats its any of his business

useful_contacts wrote: »

if everyone is on about it she mightbe feeling left out, maybe the baby was all everyone talked about and now its your house. Do ye talk about it in your group of friends much because if so she could be feeling pushed out

well yes the whole group are talking about it, asking questions, offering help painting. But TBH i think its unfair she got nearly a year of attention from being preg and having her child, and now im not allowed have any chats about it with her around for fear shes feeling left out. Thats pretty unfair

LegacyUser

deisemum wrote: »

Do you know if she's getting much sleep or any undisturbed sleep at night?

Maybe she's just so wrecked that she's not thinking straight and coming out with bitchy comments.

Sounds like she enjoyed all the attention when it was on her and now that it's shifted she's got her nose out of joint.

i know for a fact shes getting more sleep than me because she is always saying what a great sleeper he is and that her partner does the night feeds so she doesnt have to get up, she even said her mother stayed over to help her the other night, so its not lack of sleep i tell you that

It is very unfair that she had a year and shes bedgrudging me my moment, not that im looking for attention about it but why shouldnt i be happy this is a massive step

laura l

noiju wrote: »

I bought the house a month after she gave birth and my partner reckons shes annoyed bacause now the big news is not her and the baby anymore, which sounds so petty and childish but what else could it be.She had her eye on buying a place last year but fell preg and couldnt get the amount she wanted as she now had a dependant(so she says) so could it be shes annoyed because she feels im upstaging her.

I have said this to her and she got v snappy and said that i cant take a joke

any ideas?

Congrats on buying the house, you must be thrilled

While I don't condone your friend's bitchy comments about your partner and the new house, I do sense that your friend is feeling very down at the moment.
"She had her eye on buying a place last year but fell preg and couldnt get the amount she wanted as she now had a dependant(so she says) so could it be shes annoyed because she feels im upstaging her."

I think you have the reason for the pointed comments already, she had planned on buying a home herself and the plans fell through as she fell pregnant and couldn't buy a home because of the financial commitment having a baby entails.
However, I think to say she feels that she is being "upstaged" is a bit harsh, seeing as her days are jam packed with feeding,changing and caring for a little baby who she has to look after 24 7, i doubt the girl even has time to feel this way!
I think it is more likely that she does feel certain pangs of envy, moreso than being upstaged. Seeing you and your partner, young and free as birds with a brand new house and achieving what she had hoped for herself is a constant reminder to her of "what could have been" and is probably cutting the poor girl to the bone.

i am sure that you were probably very positive and delighted for her when her baby arrived and made a big fuss of her and the new baby and would think that as a friend she would reciprocate this gesture.

Just try to be patient with her, I don't think that she is the one to look to at the moment to be all excited for you and your partner right now, i'm sure she'll come around in time, just try to be a little bit understanding of her situation right now and why she is not coming across as being all sunshine and light about your good news right now. However, do nip the pointed comments if they creep through.

Congrats on the new house again, don't dwell on this...you should be picking out colours and furniture etc

LegacyUser

laura l wrote: »

I think you have the reason for the pointed comments already, she had planned on buying a home herself and the plans fell through as she fell pregnant and couldn't buy a home because of the financial commitment having a baby entails.

Seeing you and your partner, young and free as birds with a brand new house and achieving what she had hoped for herself is a constant reminder to her of "what could have been" and is probably cutting the poor girl to the bone.

actually she didnt fall pregnant, her partner and her planned this child, so it was actually her decision to have a baby and not go ahead with buying a house. she decided to have a child before she bought a house, she was even buying ovulation tests so she had her heart set on it. If she feels she made a mistake now thats up to her but i shouldnt be on the recieving end of it

laura l wrote: »

Congrats on the new house again, don't dwell on this...you should be picking out colours and furniture etc

thanks:)

mrsdewinter

noiju wrote: »

i know for a fact shes getting more sleep than me because she is always saying what a great sleeper he is and that her partner does the night feeds so she doesnt have to get up, she even said her mother stayed over to help her the other night, so its not lack of sleep i tell you that

It is very unfair that she had a year and shes bedgrudging me my moment, not that im looking for attention about it but why shouldnt i be happy this is a massive step

I think with new mums, 'lack of sleep' is code for all sorts of psychological shifts that take place in the weeks and months after the baby arrives. So even if the baby is an excellent sleeper, your friend is still adjusting to life with a set of responsibilities neither of us (I've no kids either) can really comprehend.

I'd say take the high road over this. When you're talking to her, focus on her and the brilliant job she's doing. You sound like the kind of girl who doesn't rub other people's noses in your achievements, and this could be a particular sensitive spot for her, so I'd lay off on the house talk, and the long lazy lie-ins yourself and your OH are enjoying at the moment.

This will blow over. In a few years, it could be you with the small baby, and your friend will be the one buying the new house for herself!

dublingal80

I agree with the above poster, definitely take the high road

A friend of mine just had a baby recently. While she was pregnant she was so excited, couldnt wait to have it and had everything bought. The baby is about 4 weeks old now and she is finding it awful tough. When she was pregnant, she still had her own life, was able to go out, meet friends and do pretty much normal stuff. Her husband is back in work and she is home alone with the baby for most of the time and is finding it hard and very lonely. Your friend might be going through this too. It might be a lot harder for her than she expected.

Try not to be so hard on her. I know some of the comments are quite bitchy that she said, and next time say it to her and laugh, and make it into a jokey way the way she is, but still you are still saying you dont appreciate what she is saying, but do look out for her too. Even though the baby was planned, she is very young to have had it and to have pretty much given up her life. It may not have been the bed of roses she thought it was going to be

laura l

titop wrote: »

actually she didnt fall pregnant, her partner and her planned this child, so it was actually her decision to have a baby and not go ahead with buying a house. she decided to have a child before she bought a house, she was even buying ovulation tests so she had her heart set on it. If she feels she made a mistake now thats up to her but i shouldnt be on the recieving end of it
thanks:)

i didn't realise "to fall pregnant" meant "unplanned", just used it as a turn of phrase!
i have a young baby myself, which was planned, like your friend's. the point that i was trying to get across is that while you do feel all the joy in the world at having a new baby there are the odd times that it will hit you there are certain things you just can't do or have once a new baby is here, e.g. you just can't up and head off on a night out without preplanning, when you see people with great figures you realise well, my body is back but tummy not as tight as before....little things like that that your friends who don't have babies can do without thinking twice about it. for your friend it's clearly the house issue...you have the house and she has to put that on hold for awhile. that doesn't excuse the pointed comments, just a probable reason for them.
if you feel that you are on the receiving end of her bad form the only person you can really discuss it with is her instead of just giving out about it.
she may not be even aware of how obvious she is being. Personally i would just overlook it but if it is bothering you that much, next time she starts to be dismissive of you and the new house take her up on it and just ask her why is she being so negative about such a happy time for you? Then take it from there.

Peggypeg

I wouldn't be in agreement with the other posters. It's all very well that she may be tired, jealous - whatever but at the end of the day she's stealing your thunder. You have every right to get slaps on the back and a big fuss made over you, well done by the way, not the easiest thing in the world to buy a house at the moment. I personally wouldn't have patience for this kind of thing, if she's feeling ****e it's up to her to fix. What I would do is wait until her next bitchy comment and then say "Wow, that was bitchy, are you jealous of me or something? What's with all the snide comments?", that will either cop her on or she'll reply "what you mean?" and then you say "Well over the last while you've said (insert comments she's made) and I'm getting the feeling you resent me". Quite frankly I wouldn't have "friends" like this myself, friends are supposed to support you not pull you down.

Chinafoot

Peggypeg wrote: »

I wouldn't be in agreement with the other posters. It's all very well that she may be tired, jealous - whatever but at the end of the day she's stealing your thunder. You have every right to get slaps on the back and a big fuss made over you, well done by the way, not the easiest thing in the world to buy a house at the moment.

How old are you people? Stealing thunder? She bought a bloody house...she hasn't found a cure for cancer. I don't get this need for praise for stuff like this. Yes, OP you're excited and thats great but not everyone is going to see it as a big deal.

Peggypeg wrote: »

I personally wouldn't have patience for this kind of thing, if she's feeling ****e it's up to her to fix.

Peggypeg wrote: »

Quite frankly I wouldn't have "friends" like this myself, friends are supposed to support you not pull you down.

Thats entirely contradictory. The girl is 24 with a baby, planned for not she's going to be finding things tough when her partner is back at work and shes home with the child. Does she deserve praise for popping one out...no. She deserves some support from her friend though.

OP, if your friend has only started this kind of thing recently then perhaps you need to have a chat with her about how shes coping with the baby. Don't confront her and say "well you said this and this and this". I'm not for one second suggesting that you just put up with snide comments but I do think you need to look a bit further than "oh shes just jealous cos I'm getting all the attention now". Thats unbelievably petty on both sides.

Also, as another poster mentioned, be under no illusions that the child being a good sleeper means your friend isnt wrecked. Babies are a 24 hour job and having Nana come over for one evening to help doesn't mean your friend is living the life of Reilly.

Talk to her.

Peggypeg

I'm 27 Chinafoot so hardly a child. You really have the hang of the quote button don't you? Well done, although keep in mind that it does allow you to take things out of context. I didn't post a thread here, looking to be critiqued, I posted advice, that in my opinion, was sound. If we get called childish and a hypocrite when we reply there wouldn't be very many responses would there? Maybe just post your own advice?

Chinafoot

Peggypeg wrote: »

I'm 27 Chinafoot so hardly a child. You really have the hang of the quote button don't you? Well done, although keep in mind that it does allow you to take things out of context. I didn't post a thread here, looking to be critiqued, I posted advice, that in my opinion, was sound. If we get called childish and a hypocrite when we reply there wouldn't be very many responses would there? Maybe just post your own advice?

Oh relax for gods sake. I haven't taken anything out of context, your post is there for all to see. I'm disagreeing with your advice. It's perfectly allowed. If you have a problem with my post report it. Or failing that, you know..unclench maybe.

To keep this on-topic..

OP, talk to your friend but be easy on her. She might be seriously struggling with her situation. Friendship shouldn't be about who gets the most attention or praise. Thats just petty.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

MissHoneyBun

Meh yer one's bein a wench but I'd say her hormones are all over the gaff and she's probably demented from sleep deprivation so I'd say let it over yer head.

Life's too short for this kind of aggro and engaging in it in any way only serves to make matters worse. If woman head wants to turn life into a competition let her off, doesn't mean you have to do the same.

iguana

If some of her comments are about your boyfriend being made redundant and her partner is working in the same place how do you take that as a cutting comment? It sounds to me as if maybe she is genuinely worried about the security of both your partners' jobs and that was her cack-handed way of bringing it up.

Her worries may be based on just the general economy coupled with the new responsibilities which both of you now have. Or perhaps her partner is worried and has been sharing the worries with her so she is "subtly" trying to figure out what your opinion is on the situation.