So fed up being single

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one

I'm wondering what's wrong with me. I'm male and in my early 30's and the only girlfriend I've had was when I was about 21 and that only lasted about 4 weeks. In my entire life, I've only ever snogged 1 girl and that was the girl I went out with when I was 21. Me and her never had sex. I've had two extremely drunken encounters with "ladies of the night" quite a few years ago. I was very drunk, so it was unpleasant and I didn't "finish" so to speak, either time. They were horrible experiences that I regret, but unfortunately I can't go back in time to change it.

Since then, nothing. I've never been with a normal girl, never had a fling, never had a one night stand, nothing. Because of all this I'm pretty much considering myself a virgin again as I really have no experience whatsoever. I've little or no memory of those incidents and had nothing since. I got paranoid about being with those two women so I went and got a STI test a few years ago which came back clear. I remember the doctor asking me how long it had been since I had those encounters and it had been a few years and he asked me why I hadn't had sex since. What I thought straight away was "Because no-one wants to have sex with me", but instead I made up some waffly excuse about not having met the right person.

I'm getting to the point now where I feel like there's something wrong with me. I'm almost becoming obsessive about it too. It's like when I see other people, I often think "oh, they've had sex, they know what it's like". It's starting to make me feel like some sort of unnatural freak. It's also now at the stage where I'm keeping this a secret and not really telling any of my friends.

I've issues with my weight that I'm trying to get under control, however my self esteem and confidence are completely shot to pieces and pretty much non-existent. If I see a girl I like, I sort of fancy her for a few seconds, then my brain kicks in and goes "she'll never be interested in you, look at the state of you". And I then just move into fancying them from afar. It's like no matter how much I try to big myself up, I never really genuinely believe that they truly could like me. It sort of gets depressing when you see a girl you like but you just know straight away that under no circumstances will you ever get to be with her.

I've been on nights out and the odd time I get interest, but I always seem to have a bit too much to drink and just f*** it up. I've tried internet dating and had no luck. Once or twice girls have been interested but I've had less than no attraction to them. I sort of feel bad saying that, but I know if I said I was attracted to them I'd be lying and/or forcing it.

Something else that bothers me is that I wonder if I have a low sex drive. It confuses me as when I see a girl I fancy, all I can think about is doing this and that to her. However the percentage of girls that I see who cause that reaction in me is minimal. What's norm for everyone else? When you start going out with someone is it someone you fancy the pants off from the millisecond you see them? Or is it something that grows?

I'm a bit worried that there's so few girls I feel that animalistic urge for, that if that's the basis for every other couple, then I'm consigned to a life being single as all those girls I really am attracted to are always unavailable and/or un-interested.

And then with other girls I see around the place they don't do anything for me. Some are ok looking and attractive but I don't have any great desire to see them naked. I don't know if this is just because I'm so used to being single and never having sex and I'm used to seeing girls with their clothes on, that I sort of only associate it with girls I find super hot.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to gain by saying this. I guess I'd just like to know I'm not a total freak and see if there's anyone else with similar issues to mine.

It's sort of depressing as I feel like I've good things to offer and I've been told I'm cute and good looking, but I don't know if I believe that when I've been single for so long. It doesn't help either when I hear and read of other people going out and shagging someone the same night. I sort of get jealous and resentful and I know that's not good, but it's hard not to be.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, I just sort of had to get some of this out.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

Youre not a freak...but maybe need to chill out a bit ...you seem to see all girls as sex objects in a rather non standard way ...just get to know a few first(dinner and a movie?) (for 'practice' like !)trim down to a level you feel comfortable with and reckon wont be a significant impediment to attracting Miss Average (probably a lot easier for us lads than the ladies!)Happy huntin!

Monkey61

OP nothing I am going to say is going to be groundbreaking advice, but I shall point out a few things anyway.

Firstly, there is no shame in having visited a prostitute. Plenty of people have done it, or else they wouldn't be in business -plenty of famous, successful and respected people too.

Next, until you can improve you self-esteem and general well being you are not going to have much luck finding a woman. You obviously want to change, so now is the time to do something about it. Join a gym, change you diet completely - check out the fitness forum for loads of brilliant and friendly advice to set you on your way. This will do wonders not just for how others see you, but for how you see yourself. And as we know, confidence is a very attractive trait.

Work on both the superficial and the other stuff. Get a good haircut, good clothes - make the best of your appearance. Also though, make the best of your personality. Read widely, watch loads of films, listen to music, take up a sport, volunteer for a charity - all of these things will make you more interesting in general and give you loads to talk about to any women you meet when you aren't drunk!

Once you get your life sorted you will be in the best possible position to get out there and meet people.

LegacyUser

It can change. I'm in my late thirties and had totally given up on ever having a partner or a sex life. A few months ago though I met somebody totally randomly and we're now really happy together.

I think it happened because I was open to the idea of a relationship and allowed it to happen even though I was a nervous wreck about the intimacy/sex side of it. For years I kept saying I was lonely and would like to meet somebody but I shot every opportunity down, so subconsciously I obviously didnt want it to happen. The fear of intimacy when you have never been in that situation can be a powerful one and can stop you from developing relationships, even if it's what you want.

Try to get out there and meet girls on a friendly basis. You're never going to fancy every girl you meet but you could be friends with them and they might introduce you to somebody that you are attracted to. When you meet somebody you like, ask them to the cinema / dinner. Get to know them as a person before jumping into bed with them. If you discover you dont want to continue seeing them after a few dates, you dont have to bring it any further. Sex doesnt always have to be on the agenda at the start.

I hope some of what I've said made sense. Best of luck and dont give up.

LegacyUser

mrunreg wrote: »

Going unreg for this one

Something else that bothers me is that I wonder if I have a low sex drive. It confuses me as when I see a girl I fancy, all I can think about is doing this and that to her. However the percentage of girls that I see who cause that reaction in me is minimal. What's norm for everyone else? When you start going out with someone is it someone you fancy the pants off from the millisecond you see them? Or is it something that grows?

I'm a bit worried that there's so few girls I feel that animalistic urge for, that if that's the basis for every other couple, then I'm consigned to a life being single as all those girls I really am attracted to are always unavailable and/or un-interested.

Hi OP,
I can relate to you, only the other way round (I'm a girl who likes boys). The above quote is bang on for me as well. I only fancy a small percentage of the males out there, and am at the point now where I think there is something wrong with me. some of my friends seem to meet and fancy loads of men. then there's me. To be honest I have 2 friends who would be similar to me, only not as bad. When I sit and analyse this, as I have done for the past year now(i analyse way too much), I am coming to the conclusion that it may all be down to confidence, self-esteem etc. When I separate the friends who meet loads men, and fancy them with myself and the 2 friends I mention, I think I can see one or two main trends. and it's about confidence. My confident friends have loads of exp and are more likely to meet men they seem to fancy the pants of, even go home with them. Also, i was brought up in an emtionally closed environment. My parents also put me off men, eg I used to get told ' ..men are only after one thing... or, you will have plenty of time for men after you finish school, college etc'. Well this has me ruined, cos combined with low confidence I was left a repressed young girl.
I have researched this a bit over the past year or so, to see if there's a link between confidence/self-esteem and sex drive. There is nothing specific out there, but there is some info out there that seems to say it is. it's sexual repression or something. and the more I think about it the more it seems like that's the problem. I myself have been suffering with depression for 2-3 years, and any drive I have is gone. so this added to my problem. I honestly think this is the problem.

so, for you, I reckong confidence is key. you are way too down on yourself, and you need to learn to like yourself, and you appearance. by telling yourself no girl would like you, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. so, hopefully you can gain more confidence, and this will get you attracting more girls, and the more you go on dates or snog random girls even, the more you encounters you will have with girls you fancy.

Good luck!!

LegacyUser

Yeah, it's just hard sometimes (pun not intended) when you think there's something wrong with you. I know quite a few celebrities and stuff have been to hookers but I still don't think that makes it ok. I was disappointed with myself for doing it as it was my first time with a woman and I sort of beat myself up over it for quite a long time afterwards. I'm at the point now where I'm over it though as in the end, no harm was done.

Anyway I think the self esteem thing is definitely connected to the lack of intimacy etc. I don't think I'm scared of actually having sex with someone, although the odd time the thought of it does freak me out.

All through my late teens and all of my twenties I had no luck with women. I'd go on nights out and I wouldn't even approach or talk to girls. They also never approached me either. So it just got to the point where I just got used to it. I'd always sort of hope something would happen but it never did. I remember being in secondary school and these girls telling me that this girl fancied me. Me being naive assumed they were telling the truth and I got all eager. The girls then told me they were joking and the girl in question didn't fancy me. I remember that distinctly and I felt like a complete fool. I remember for the rest of secondary school, if asked I always said I had a girlfriend (even though I never once did), so they wouldn't try and make fun of me or fool me again.

I met a girl last year that I liked and who seemed to like me, but she didn't seem to know what she wanted and flip flopped from wanting to just be friends to wanting more, even though we'd kind of messed around a bit. To be fair, she said at the start that she wasn't looking for a boyfriend so I probably should have just walked away, so I guess I'm partly to blame too. But its safe to say that some of the things that happened were not within the friends boundary.

Then in the end she said she could only be friends and didn't want anything serious blah blah, then two weeks later she started going out with someone else because "it wasn't serious". Of course she wanted me to stay friends with her throughout, which I thankfully didn't. I think this sort of f*****d my head up and for someone with low self esteem and never really having had a proper girlfriend, I think this made things worse. It was a short while after that, that I really started to think badly about myself more often. It was also at that point where I started to just give up completely. I don't think I'd ever really considered that until the last 6 or 7 months. I would just say to myself "Look, it's obvious this is never going to happen. You're always going to be single and you're never going to have sex. Your options are forcing yourself to like some girl you're not interested in, or being alone." This is actually what I'd be thinking to myself.

Anyway I'm starting to sort my diet out with the aim of getting thin.

It's still depressing though that I'm 32 and have the experience of a 10 year old.

For Miss 224466, I'm reading a book called Overcoming Low Self Esteem by Melanie Farrell. I've only read a few chapters but there's been a few things that I've completely identified with. Just thought I'd let you know about it. Hope things get better for you too.

Canis Lupus

Some answers can be found here

EDIT: link to full pic

LegacyUser

Not sure I understand that link, but thanks.

The whole thing sort of just does my head in. For example, there's a girl I've been chatting to on and off for a few months. We've chatted about sex and stuff and that seems to be the main thing we discuss. She hasn't been with anyone in ages and while I wasn't mad about her, I took some comfort from that.

And sure as things go, I was talking to her an hour or so ago and she said she'd sex last night. And I was raging. I wasn't so much envious of the guy, but just so fed up that she'd got with someone now too and I still haven't. I'm still angry about it now.

I think I need my head examined.

LegacyUser

This is doing my head in more and more. Was just chatting to another girl who'd been flirting with me for the last month or two online. Turns out she f*****d some guy 3 weeks ago.

Is sex really available on tap for everyone except me?

I'm so sick of getting nothing at all, ever. I used to go out loads during my twenties and never got even as much as a snog from a girl. It's soul destroying. The only time I feel half ok is when I think there's a girl I know who hasn't had sex for a while. That way I feel "ah ok, it's not just me". But's never the case.

What's the answer? I feel like my lack of confidence and low self esteem are tied to my weight but it will take me a year or so to shift it all and I don't want to still be sex-less for another year or more.

It's so depressing

LegacyUser

mrunreg wrote: »

This is doing my head in more and more. Was just chatting to another girl who'd been flirting with me for the last month or two online. Turns out she f*****d some guy 3 weeks ago.

Is sex really available on tap for everyone except me?

I'm so sick of getting nothing at all, ever. I used to go out loads during my twenties and never got even as much as a snog from a girl. It's soul destroying. The only time I feel half ok is when I think there's a girl I know who hasn't had sex for a while. That way I feel "ah ok, it's not just me". But's never the case.

What's the answer? I feel like my lack of confidence and low self esteem are tied to my weight but it will take me a year or so to shift it all and I don't want to still be sex-less for another year or more.

It's so depressing

Why are you comparing yourself to other people? It seems to be really getting you down. Always remember that life mightn't always be so great for other people as it appears.

You're dwelling on your shortfalls too much. It's healthy to be aware of your shortfalls, but when you become obsessed with them, that's when the trouble starts. In other words, why me?

I'm going to tell you about my own 'why me?' moment from today: this evening I spent a few hours on facebook looking up old exes. Seeing them happy with other partners did my head in, which got me thinking that I'll end up alone and no-one will want me. I recognised that this kind of thinking was getting out of hand, so I dragged myself out for a walk, listened to some music and felt great when I got back. The key is that I recognised that the way I was thinking wasn't doing me any good, and so I did something about it.

You have to find out what it is that lifts you, and do these things when you recognise that you're going down the 'why me?' path. No-one else will (read:through selfishness or thoughtlessness) or can (read:they have their own problems to be dealing with) do it for you.

Best of luck