Coming out and friendship support?

door

Hi, I am going through a very confused and bothered time at the moment. Firstly over my sexuality which has taken me over a year to really come to grips with but I'm also bothered by a gay friend or maybe I should say ex-friend. I posted here some months ago speaking about how I found myself finally realising my sexuality and coming out, as I fell in love with a friend who was already out. While I have long accepted that nothing was to come of that love, I got on with life and continued to try and have a friendship but I have realised that this friendship never actually was good for me in the first place. This is where I am now very stuck and confused and really just want to get through right now and move on.

He is a few years younger than me in our 20s. He is a lot more feminine, opposed to me, so through stereotype it was always pretty obvious to everyone he was gay. From what I gather he has never had to tell people out right because it really just glows from him where as it has been very much a "stop the presses" reaction to me. The problem has been that he is the only gay person I know as no others have ever entered my life and I don't go seek out gay people through pubs, internet etc. Long before I showed any interest in him, which I only made obvious once through a drunken text, I asked him about the college lgbt, hoping to know how the enviornment was, how it operated, what events took place etc. but he was very relucant to tell me. I couldn't understand why he would not want to talk to me about being gay, with me having just come out to him. If he was not my friend I might understand but the guy was always hanging out of me, texting me and Facebook messaging me. He wanted to have everything to do with me except talk about being gay.

However, from what I see on Facebook he has loads of gay friends. While he doesn't interact much with the college lgbt anymore he appears to have known many gay people prior to joining this. I also learned through another friend that he went to a gay bar in London with another (female) friend during the summer but didn't want it revealed because it is a sensitive subject for him. However, he would never speak to me about being gay even though I have always been gentle with him and open to him. Despite being "friends" he would never suggest we go to a gay bar. Talking about sexuality is something I have seriously needed because it has been a big struggle for me. I just got so fed up with this guy that I no longer have anything to do with him but there still is this feeling for him within me and its not just sexual attraction, its also just the desire to be his friend. However as this is no good for me and I can't make him honour the true values of friendship, is it best I just wipe him from my life as much as I can i.e. social networking sites, mobile no. etc? I know how childish and simple this seems but the very sight of his name online or in my phone does trigger all these thoughts about him within me. I just feel I need to rid him from my life completely as I feel he was just using me for his own needs and never tried to fill my needs and be a friend in any actual sense of the word. I would like to know what others think because I am just feeling so bitter right now but more dejected and depressed of what was a form of betrayal of friendship, a manipulation.

Tricity Bendix

I didn't say this on your last thread, but I'll say it now: why on earth do you think you're in love with this guy? You've never had any romantic involvement with him, you've only known him as a friend (not a very good one by your own account), its not like you've opened yourself up to him or anything. Makes it pretty unbelievable that what you're feeling is love.

As for meeting other gays, you don't need this friend to hold your hand to go to the LGBT. Or go to a gay bar. If you dont want to go alone take a friend along. If neither of those thigs appeal to you (I know they didn't appeal to me when I was an undergrad) just be open to meeting new people. Some of them are bound to be gay.

I.J.

Door, check your private messages

door

Hi Tricity, maybe love is too strong a word but there certainly was all the feelings of love, of caring for that person based on all the other aspects that made our supposed friendship. The fact they gave me so much attention and took so much interest in me. I am aware that I am quite foolish for falling for him. I do open up to everybody I meet. To everybody I cross paths with. I just haven't come across anybody who is openly gay. Going to a gay bar with a friend? My friends would not go and secondly it was really the whole point of having a gay friend whom I could take those steps with which has me bothered. I don't need them to hold my hand but think about it. A person struggling to come out, coming from a homophobic background. Never knew another gay person in their life and the one gay person they do come across, does everything to become their friend but still avoids talking about being gay, even though they are openly gay. If you were in these circumstances you would find it frustrating. The main point of my post is that I had somebody who hung out of me at every moment in college, who talked about everything else in their life, except being gay. I am baffled as to why somebody would rely on me for everything and not do the smallest thing I wanted, which was to confront this issue with somebody in the same circumstances. I don't think the actual attraction for him matters anymore but I find it hard to completely rid myself of feelings for him. Even if they are the platonic feelings for a friend. Maybe I just need to realise that some people are selfish and enjoy draining the emotion out of others. It could be just as simple as that and I have not fuly woken up to that reality.

Nebit

I.J. wrote: »

Door, check your private messages

ha nice save!;)

Tricity Bendix

door wrote: »

Hi Tricity, maybe love is too strong a word but there certainly was all the feelings of love, of caring for that person based on all the other aspects that made our supposed friendship. The fact they gave me so much attention and took so much interest in me. I am aware that I am quite foolish for falling for him. I do open up to everybody I meet. To everybody I cross paths with. I just haven't come across anybody who is openly gay. Going to a gay bar with a friend? My friends would not go and secondly it was really the whole point of having a gay friend whom I could take those steps with which has me bothered. I don't need them to hold my hand but think about it. A person struggling to come out, coming from a homophobic background. Never knew another gay person in their life and the one gay person they do come across, does everything to become their friend but still avoids talking about being gay, even though they are openly gay. If you were in these circumstances you would find it frustrating. The main point of my post is that I had somebody who hung out of me at every moment in college, who talked about everything else in their life, except being gay. I am baffled as to why somebody would rely on me for everything and not do the smallest thing I wanted, which was to confront this issue with somebody in the same circumstances. I don't think the actual attraction for him matters anymore but I find it hard to completely rid myself of feelings for him. Even if they are the platonic feelings for a friend. Maybe I just need to realise that some people are selfish and enjoy draining the emotion out of others. It could be just as simple as that and I have not fuly woken up to that reality.

I understand that it is a difficult time for you. It isn't/wasn't easy for the rest of us.

The part I really want to emphasise is your fixation on this friend, and how its holding you back. You're seeing everything through this prism of hurt feelings, while missing the bigger picture - which is how you go about getting better acquainted with your sexuality. You should leave off focusing on this guy - he'll never be what you want him to be. You have bigger fish to fry.

T Corolla

Move on man its hard at the start but it will get better for you. You seems to be quite mature about your sexuality and I amire your honesty but forget the other guy he is obviously struggling with this sexuality whereas you are getting on with your life and as they say things can only get better good luck

boredboard

agree with t corolla... time will heal any hurt (eventhough you may not think it now)... bendix think you were being a bit harsh with your first post; OP did mention they spent time together and communicated a lot...

MicraBoy

Tricity Bendix wrote: »

I didn't say this on your last thread, but I'll say it now: why on earth do you think you're in love with this guy? You've never had any romantic involvement with him, you've only known him as a friend (not a very good one by your own account), its not like you've opened yourself up to him or anything. Makes it pretty unbelievable that what you're feeling is love.

I'm not sure that really matters. A unrequited crush/infatuation can be equally as baffling and hurtful as unrequited love.

OP: I think you need to cut ties completely with this person if they are invoking these kind of emotions by their mere online presence. It might be tough at the start but ultimately if you feel let down by this person as a friend, then you need to move on. Lance the boil as it were.

I agree with Tricity about being open and getting out there. You need to move on from the "I'm not a typical gay so I find it hard to meet people". That's bull. You are the only one holding yourself back. Its so easy to start dating and chatting online nowadays.

More importantly you need to move on from your current infatuation. Once you broaden your horizons by meeting more gay guys I think you'll forget him quickly enough.

Dwn Wth Vwls

This guy was not really your friend. I re-read your old thread, and he was really just using you to hear the sound of his own voice. That might not be easy to accept because you have/had these feelings, but a real friendship is equal. It involves give and take, talking and listening. It sounds like he just decided that you, as the shy guy, would listen to him talking about himself endlessly and not do anything about it.

When you're just starting out, it's easy to have feelings for a concept more than a person. You can fall in love with the idea of a relationship. It's really a fantasy that you insert this person into, and has no real basis in reality. I think you're much better off cutting contact with this guy because it's holding you back.

If you want to specifically meet gay friends you have to put yourself out there somehow. People can't tell that you're gay unless you tell them, so the chances of you randomly bumping into people who tell you they're gay are small. Start online if that's easier, there are plenty of forums and dating sites. Take charge and make an effort.

door

Thanks everybody for your messages. You have all been very helpful and I really thank you so much. Dwn Wth Vwls, I think you may have just summed everything up there. What you say really is the reality of what has happened. I think I'm finally truly aware of where everything stands now. Thanks all.

swirlser

Hi door,

Im basically echoing what most have said, cut the cord! The guy sounds like he using you and your much better off without him. You have placed far too much significance on this guy for one reason or another and at the end of it all, you just wont ever get out of this what you desire. (I had a friend like that myself once...)

Take it one step at a time and once you start talking with more like minded people your going to find things will indeed get easier

BlueLepreachaun

My first peice of advice would be not to get too bogged down in definitions of whats "real love" , people have been tryina answer that for centruies and a thread on boards.ie isn't gonna suddenly crack the code...:rolleyes:
Heres the distinction I'd make personally, I don't think you need to be going out with someone to love them, you'd need to at least know them really well and for a long time I'd say, but I don't think you can be "in love" per say with someone you havn't had any intamcy with etc. The diffrence in depth between the two is pretty big hard as that may be for you to beleive.

Most importantly though, and I'm speaking from personal experience, I can't overemphasise enough how socially and psycologically destructive it is to hold onto strong feelings towards someone who does not share them. You may push them into the background and try to forget about them but if you've no other outlet for your affections or are not persuing avenues which will lead to people who will return your affections those feelings will come back at very akward times and create horrable horrable situations. This happened to me with a mate (who, worse than your situation, was straght) and I pretty quickly got over the feelings and moved on and it wasn't an issue but since I wasn't hanging out (sex, friendship or relationship) with other gay people etc it popped up like 2 years later and created a situation that took months to clean up and nearly destroyed my relationship with some of the best friends I've ever had.
Just move on, if the emotions you have for him are really that strong they'll eventually become background emotion that you wont really think about day to day and you'll have gotten over it. Or if it wasn't really that strong (if it was an infatuation or crush both of which are very temporary obsessive states that I dont know how anyone could confuse with love) then you'll get over it really fast, and wonder how you invested so much in one person.

Years from now, when your in a relationship with somoene and you fall in love with them and the feelins returned, you'll look back at what you felt for this guy and even if it was real love, it will pale in comparason to what you have with the person your in a relationship with, try to keep that future situation in mind, and it will put this all in context.

But you wont get past it unles you have an outlet for your feelings, you need to find people who will actually return your feelings.


Secondly, and this applies to friends regardless of gay or straght, dont put all your eggs in one basket and tie all your emotions and social connections with any one person, no mattter who they are. I've all straght mates and they talk more to me about gay-related stuff than this guy seems to talk to you, he just seems to be a bit of a prat regardless of sexuality.
You need to get out and meet more gay people, there are a couple of venues you could go in persuing that:

Online, gaydar say, but stick to talking to people your own age and with more than one photo, dont be put off by the odd creepy 50 year old, just close their chatbox and block them.
Go out to gay bars, loads of people go by themselves at first and start chatting to people.
Join the college LGBT who says your mate has to do it with you? or that he has to tell you about it? google them and send them an email asking when they're next meeting, the UCD one has these oddly named "coffie mornings" which is really just people sitting around chatting.