I'm afraid of people

newmember2

Sounds a bit mad as I write the title, but I find that I would rather avoid people than interact with people. This is all fear, as at the same time I crave company and am very lonely. I never know what to say to people and get nervous and self-conscious. I'm in a club where I always seem to have superficial conversations/relationships, and always feel on the outside. I act very passively in social interactions.

Can anyone give me any tips for striking up conversations.

Kevster

Hi,

It hink that this advice might help you: Be yourself. This might not have any direct advantages for your particular problem but, over time, if you do things the way that YOU want to, then you'll feel more self-confident and safer in social situations. Why? - Because you'll be in a social situation that you chose to be in. Right now, I am assuming that you would rather not be in a pub/club at all and only go because that's where you are 'told' to go (albeit indirectly) by your friends and by society in general.

Well, I'll tell you this: There is a whole other world out there. You should arrange to meet up with a close female friend or something, and go to a museum or walk around the shops some saturday. As crazy as this might sound to you, I assure you that you'll enjoy it better than any night you've spent in a pub.

RossFixxxed

I used to be both terrible and great at this lol. I used to HATE being in these social situations, hate meeting groups of people etc... yet if I turned it on I could be a charmer and seem like I was effortlessly engaging with people. But that's not fun really.

However I began to realise, everyone is nervous a bit too, there's always someone in a group who doesn't know everyone too well. Try and make them feel more welcome and so will you. They have their own interests and things that they are hyper about. I justified it with 'ah they just talk about XXXXXXX' all night and it's rubbish, but then I realised there's all that stuff I love too, so we can talk about X, Y and Z and have fun. THey aren't actually that scary and you'd be amazed how little people care what you do in these situations.

I got up with a VERY self consciouis mate years ago on an EMPTY dance floor and we just decided to have a competition for the lamest, silliest dance possible. Some people smiled and laughed, it broke the ice and they went dancing too. Some stared on with contempt and 'oh the state of them.' And the end of the day we were the ones smiling and laughing, as were others. If you're gonna stand around and glare when I'm having harmless fun and not interrupting anyone else then I really really don't want to talk to you!

And the same goes for you, if you see poeple doing stupid things but having fun, then smile and leave them to it. It might not be for you but it doesn't invalidate it. That opened my mind a lot to be honest. I'll listen to people talk about anything, cos sonner or later you're going to hear a story about OHMYGODXBOXGUITARMOVIESMETALRULESMETALLICAGUNSNROSESHDTVREAL3D from me!

Most people out are actually a little self conscious, and some self awareness really helps. 'I'm a bit awkward here, ah to hell with it let's chat and have fun' actually worked more than a lot of other things I've read. And in general a smile and showing interest is more powerful than 10000 books!


BTW: I'm not suggesting I AM that charming or anything, but I think I am, cos I've told myself I am and I try and engage everyone I can, in shops, in work, on the phone, in business dealings and see what works. If I was out for a smoke and someone else was there I'd deliberately throw myself into a conversation ... 99% of the time people liked a chat about whatever, weather, bloody smoking ban, bloody work, MY BOSS is a .... , etc lol and it all builds practice. It's not even as cold as it seems, a nice chat always makes me smile and builds a little more confidence. There's a fine line between believing in yourself and doing. Though doing does come first. Just smile more, engage a little more at a time you will be surprised!

Didymus

newmember? wrote: »

Can anyone give me any tips for striking up conversations.

Ask people questions. It will get them talking and make you seem interested. Pick up on things they might mention and ask more questions about any unusual areas or any areas of interest. It will show you are listening and you may actually hear some things of genuine interest.

Not everyone is a big talker. Nice people accept others for who they are, whether they are quiet or a chatterbox. So long as they are nice.

There is only so much factual conversation I can hold with a person before blowing my cover and showing I really don't know anything about alot of subjects. But I like to make the effort and I like when others make an effort with me. In the end of the day my comfort zone is talking jibberish about silly observations around me and if people judge me based on that, well I will probably just talk about them as another topic of conversation!

RossFixxxed

And to add to the above, you can always say 'oh really, I don't know that much about xyz but it sounds really cool, how long have you been into it, how's it working out.... I actually did abc myself I always loved it... ' etc etc.

I'm not into football, that's 48% of all conversations with the lads (note stat is made up) but I get on fine, I like hearing people talk about a passion and it always gets me interested. Someone who can talk passionately but not fantatically is always great, and a bit of self knowing is great too.

Talk about ANYTHING (that's not totally mad), weather, women, sport, hobbies, the pub, the music, whatever. The more you do too (sport, play instrument, martial arts, painting, xbox) etc, the more you have to talk about.

I've never ever thought 'what will I talk about' with people it's weird. If anything shutting up is a skill I need to have.... It all began in 1981 when .... oops off I go

BumbleB

A lot of people are afraid ,I still am in fact . I am an introvert who manages to operate as an extrovert extremely well .

I used to suffer from panic attacks and I knew I had to get it sorted .I blushed very badly and this affected my relationships with people ,but I got over that ( and you can do it to ).
To be good you have to start talking to everybody ,old people ,younger people . People who serve you in shops .

I'm just reiterating what Ross said just above.
Learn to be able to banter about nothing .Its all about the smile and getting them to trust you . Go out and get more life experiences ,go on holidays ,vist places ,people with a lot of life experiences can talk forever. Also if you can't go on holidays ,get as much info about common topics for both sexes ,like men like fast cars ,soccer etc, Girls like x factor, big brother and soaps .

Thats how I did it I learned as much about soccer ,fast cars as I could so I could talk at length about it and not be a phony.Once you get comfortable with the whole idea it will be effortless but it will take time .The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step -old chinese proverb.:)

RossFixxxed

Actually I started working with cars and picked up a bit. Next thing you know I'm waffling away with taxi drivers and others about cars, dream cars etc etc... That's a little sub group of people (car enthusiasts) that I can now chat away with... Same with anything else really, you don't need to study up on things you really hate though.

Genuine enthusiasm is always a treat!

BumbleB

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Actually I started working with cars and picked up a bit. Next thing you know I'm waffling away with taxi drivers and others about cars, dream cars etc etc... That's a little sub group of people (car enthusiasts) that I can now chat away with... Same with anything else really, you don't need to study up on things you really hate though.

Genuine enthusiasm is always a treat!

All you need to do is pick up top gear mag ,read it from cover to cover and you will be an expert on the latest cars .

RossFixxxed

BumbleB wrote: »

All you need to do is pick up top gear mag ,read it from cover to cover and you will be an expert on the latest cars .

And / or watch the TV show Everyone likes something in Top Gear, the guys the girls everyone. That's just one way of doing it... Same for sports, music etc, you don't need to swat it but you can listen to the radio etc.

Many sales men spend a few minutes looking up the local news, or the papers, radio or whatever for a bit of banter to have with the customers etc...

I'm saying you don't have to study like schoolwork, but allow some osmosis, and pick up a few things. There's always lots to talk about. Likewise there are always people who are a nightmare to talk to. The 'yes', 'no' answer people. How was your weekend? Fine... Any plans for tonight? 'Nah'.... *tumbleweed* Nothing you can do about them.

As I say though seriously, try it out and about. Compliment someone. Don't just aim for girls you fancy, EVERYONE. The shop keeper, the offo guy, the dentist, doctor, person looking for directions EVERYONE. In a lift with someone, try something out! The more you do it, the less it is something you try and more something you are.

I literally could talk indefinitely at this point. That's not necessarily a great thing, doesn't mean whatever I say is great, or interesting or whatever, but sure I can always practicing shutting up.

BumbleB

RossFixxxed wrote: »

A
As I say though seriously, try it out and about. Compliment someone. Don't just aim for girls you fancy, EVERYONE. The shop keeper, the offo guy, the dentist, doctor, person looking for directions EVERYONE. In a lift with someone, try something out! The more you do it, the less it is something you try and more something you are.

There is one exception not in the mens jacks .

D

newmember? wrote: »

I act very passively in social interactions.

Can anyone give me any tips for striking up conversations.

When you are talking to someone and you are getting on with them talk about a current movie that you would like to see. Then suggest that you go see it together. Its not a date thing and if you are conscious of making it seem like that then say it to a small group of people at the same time.