Friends expecting too much

XarcherX

hi all, sorry for the rant but Last weekend i decided i want a bit of peace & quiet so decided to turn off the phone for a day or 2, had a hectic week @ work etc. and didn't want to do anything much the weekend but relax.
I don't do it very often, just sometimes when i get stressed...
Turned the phone back on Sunday and got a barrage of text messages from 2 friends in particular and my ex/current bf (its on & off i wont explain) getting really mad at me cos i hadn't answered their texts and panicking cos my phone was off.
texts along the lines of "What's ur problem, why aren't u talking to me" and "where the hell are u, so much for being my friend" and "why are you treating me like this..." etc. etc. this was after 2 days. 2 DAYS!!
On sunday evening my friend got so worried she called to my house and demanded a "chat" to find out what was wrong with me....
Am i wrong to be p!ssed off at their behaviour or do i just have very clingy friends? we're all mid to late 20's i think it's ridiculous that everyones expected to have their phone surgically attached to them at all times...
anyone else think like this or am i being selfish??

shellyboo

I think everyone needs a bit of time to switch off, but in this day and age of 24/7 communication it can be very worrying/frustrating if one of your mates disappears off the face of the earth suddenly. I'd have probably let them know that you were taking a bit of time out before I did it, tbh.

Steamer

They were probably worried about you and thought that something had happened to you. 2 days is a long time if you are trying to get through to someone, it would make me worry about a friend.

You should feel lucky that you have people to care for you and notice that you are not around and are bothered to call over to your house to check up on you to make sure you are ok.

dublingal80

XarcherX wrote: »

hi all, sorry for the rant but Last weekend i decided i want a bit of peace & quiet so decided to turn off the phone for a day or 2, had a hectic week @ work etc. and didn't want to do anything much the weekend but relax.
I don't do it very often, just sometimes when i get stressed...
Turned the phone back on Sunday and got a barrage of text messages from 2 friends in particular and my ex/current bf (its on & off i wont explain) getting really mad at me cos i hadn't answered their texts and panicking cos my phone was off.
texts along the lines of "What's ur problem, why aren't u talking to me" and "where the hell are u, so much for being my friend" and "why are you treating me like this..." etc. etc. this was after 2 days. 2 DAYS!!
On sunday evening my friend got so worried she called to my house and demanded a "chat" to find out what was wrong with me....
Am i wrong to be p!ssed off at their behaviour or do i just have very clingy friends? we're all mid to late 20's i think it's ridiculous that everyones expected to have their phone surgically attached to them at all times...
anyone else think like this or am i being selfish??

ok, i can understand what the two above posters are saying but i do think the texts you got from your friends, eg-where the hell are you, so much for being my friend, is way OTT!!!

But personally I couldnt switch off my phone for two whole days and not even contact my boyfriend! we all have moments where we want to get away from it all and for me its putting my phone under my pillow in my bedroom and leaving it there till Im ready to look at it again, or even if im not, i'll still check it to see who was in touch or had called and if it was something important id get in touch with the friend, something trivial, id just let them know that im feeling crappy at the mo and i'll be in touch in a day or so, just so they knew where they stood.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

I think everyone needs a bit of time to switch off, but in this day and age of 24/7 communication it can be very worrying/frustrating if one of your mates disappears off the face of the earth suddenly. I'd have probably let them know that you were taking a bit of time out before I did it, tbh.

yeah but this is not always a viable option, if your exhausted do you think you have to text everyone you know to tell them your taking time out for a rest,

Op its all part of growing up and maturing, it was the same for me with my friends in my 20's and it did feel like a big pressure to be available all the time, of course your right in switching off your phone, you cant care about how others are going to take this when the reality is you just needed a rest, its not about them at that moment but maybe you need to address why they think they can be so demanding of you and just because you have been like this before doesn't mean you can sustain it in the future because you have more responsibilities in life now as an adult.

No one should take it personal or try and control someone elses life with guilt.

What will you do now OP, are they still pissed off?

shellyboo

dublingal80 wrote: »

ok, i can understand what the two above posters are saying but i do think the texts you got from your friends, eg-where the hell are you, so much for being my friend, is way OTT!!!

I agree, they were totally OTT. But people DO get concerned when someone just vanishes, especially if it's not something they make a habit of. I have one friend in particular who is, shall we say, unattached to his phone and he would just vanish like that... I'm used to it now and it doesn't bother me, but I still do get the odd pang of "omg, hope he's ok!". I wouldn't be sending him vicious texts though.

Malari

It's hard to know how often you contact your friends, or they contact you on a daily basis. If you have phone or text conversations with these people very frequently and they hear nothing for 2 days, yes they might panic, but very disproportionate reactions from them I thought. No need to attack.

I hate to be attached to my phone though, and it would often be several hours or even the next day before I reply to non-urgent texts sometimes. With some friends, however, I feel like I need to apologise for the delay in getting back to them. :mad: Annoying.

ash23

It depends on how you usually are.

For eg I have one good friend who I would often email/text and hear nothing for a day or two. Thats the type of friendship we have.
I have a sister who I'd be the same with.

Then I have another friend who I would see of speak to nearly every day. If I sent her a text and didn't get a reply within a few hours I would probably wonder if she was ok.


If you do this regularly then they were over reacting. If you don't then I can understand their anxiety but not the angry aspect.

It would have been polite of you to text them back (only 3 people from your OP) and just say "i'm lying low this weekend, fancy some me time so I'll talk to you monday".

Malari

ash23 wrote: »

It depends on how you usually are.

For eg I have one good friend who I would often email/text and hear nothing for a day or two. Thats the type of friendship we have.
I have a sister who I'd be the same with.

Then I have another friend who I would see of speak to nearly every day. If I sent her a text and didn't get a reply within a few hours I would probably wonder if she was ok.


If you do this regularly then they were over reacting. If you don't then I can understand their anxiety but not the angry aspect.

It would have been polite of you to text them back (only 3 people from your OP) and just say "i'm lying low this weekend, fancy some me time so I'll talk to you monday".

You see the problem with that, is that there are people who will view it as an open invitation to do the exact opposite and do their best to draw out what is "wrong", resulting in the same "why won't you speak to me, I'm your best friend" business.

shellyboo

Malari wrote: »

You see the problem with that, is that there are people who will view it as an open invitation to do the exact opposite and do their best to draw out what is "wrong", resulting in the same "why won't you speak to me, I'm your best friend" business.

Send text, turn phone off immediately. Simple.

Malari

shellyboo wrote: »

Send text, turn phone off immediately. Simple.

Right. But I meant after the weekend Which is what happened to the OP.

People who hate to be by themselves (and I know a few) find it very difficult to accept that others need time on their own occasionally.

shellyboo

Malari wrote: »

Right. But I meant after the weekend Which is what happened to the OP.

People who hate to be by themselves (and I know a few) find it very difficult to accept that others need time on their own occasionally.

People do, yeah... but someone like that, I'd be inclined to just not talk to them until they calm themselves. It's really no big deal like, definitely no need for a temper tantrum. If a mate started that with me (not that I ever stray far from my phone) I'd be disappearing again fairly sharpish!

XarcherX

don't get me wrong i love my friends dearly, i would speak to these girls on a fairly regular basis, i've known both since childhood. the reason i didn't text them to say i was not going to be in contact for the weekend was for the exact reason that both of them would have been over to my house like a shot asking why and i would not have been left alone for the entire weekend and i'm getting a bit sick of it!
They would have thought i was in a bad mood and tried to cheer me up by dragging me off shopping for a day or trying to make me go out when really i just wanted a weekend to arse about and be lazy which i never get to do!
i appreciate their concern i really do but it was way OTT
i don't turn off my phone very often but i'd never really reply to texts straight away either as i'm always busy with work and stuff.
One of them is still a bit off with me but to be honest i'm still really p!ssed off about their reaction.

Lollipops23

Honestly I'd be worried if one of my mates completely ignored everyone for a weekend and dropped out of contact. I wouldn't freak at them but I'd be concerned. They probably just got a fright.Relax.

beks101

OP I totally understand where you're coming from as I often get the same urge (I feel like flushing my phone down the toilet at the moment!!) but I think it is a bit inconsiderate and slightly selfish switch your phone off like this without giving your friends / boyfriend a bit of notice. Especially if it is out of character for you to be uncontactable.

The way I'd view it is, you're lucky to have good friends that care about you so much to be concerned after not hearing anything for a day or two. There are some people who could do the same and switch the phone on after a weekend of having it off and have no messages or voice mails. Think about how that would feel.

BroomBurner

OP, you had every right to turn your phone off and relax for a bit. Your friends reaction was way over the top.

It was two days, a weekend. That was all. Are people here really that reliant on others for company that two days of no contact with someone is classed as worth worrying about?

bangersandmash

It's easy to understand a friend/parent/partner being concerned and worried about someone if their communication pattern suddenly changes radically. It's a natural reaction to fear that something may have happened to them.

XarcherX wrote: »

texts along the lines of "What's ur problem, why aren't u talking to me" and "where the hell are u, so much for being my friend" and "why are you treating me like this..."

But the above doesn't sound like concern. If anything it sounds like quite the opposite. The OP's friends could possibly do with taking a break from their phones too.

Kingkong

Tell me, what would your reaction be if their was no messages or texts after 2 days?

Would you be annoyed for other reasons then.... I think this is all about expectations and managing them. Those people had an expectation of you texting them, I also assume you had the same expectation of having messages waiting when you turned the phone on.

Therefore while your expectation was meet theirs wasn't hence the barrage of panicked texts.

mrsdewinter

First of all OP, well done on switching off the phone for the weekend - I know loads of people who would benefit from doing exactly that every now and again.

Secondly, I feel really out of step with the posters who argue that you were being somehow irresponsible by not letting people know in advance that you were going to be off-grid.

Unless you're in a serious relationship or have children, I don't think you owe it to anybody to anybody to be accessible 24-7.

I think your friends need to learn to detach from their peers, and learn to have one or two unexpressed thoughts per day.

JKM

mrsdewinter wrote: »

First of all OP, well done on switching off the phone for the weekend - I know loads of people who would benefit from doing exactly that every now and again.

I think your friends need to learn to detach from their peers, and learn to have one or two unexpressed thoughts per day.

My sentiments exactly mrsdewinter. They need to realise that not everybody requires 24/7 attention and reassurance.

beks101 wrote: »

The way I'd view it is, you're lucky to have good friends that care about you so much to be concerned after not hearing anything for a day or two.

Good friends?? I'm sorry, but good friends don't get nasty like that. They need to grow up. I have to agree with bangersandmash, it doesn't seem to me that they were seriously concerned about the OP's safety. Questioning their friendship over a few unanswered texts and calls is way way over the top.

I went through a situation recently where I found out that a couple of 'friends' were harrasssing another of my friends with texts like OP received. She, like me, is the type of person who likes her own company. We all knew that. She happended to be going through a really stressful time with work and exams and couldn't get back to them quite as often as they would have liked. They accused her of all sorts (like being a crappy friend etc), actually thats tame compared to some of the hurtful things they said to her. She happens to be one of the nicest, quietest girls I know. They were being such bullies and made a stressful time way worse. What kind of friends do that? When I found out about the situation I confronted them and they totally flipped. IMO they were the crappy friends, couldn't handle that someone didn't want to always be sociable (like they pretended to be) and answer 20 stupid texts a day. Ridiculous childish s**t. Needless to say we are no longer friends and good ridance. Who needs that.

The whole texting/facebook/bebo culture of today has made people crazy IMO. It seems that some people feel that it's their god given right to know every detail of other peoples lifes.

And since when is a prereqresuite of friendship that they know exactly what you're doing and how you're feeling at every waking moment? People with to much time on their hands IMO. True friendships don't have rules you need to abide by.

If I were you OP I would stay p****d off until I got an apology, they were way out of line.

Overheal

I frequently go Dark for weeks at a time from social sites like facebook and text messaging and everything else. I rarely get bothered about it. Probably the only reason it happened to you the way it did was from being so plugged into everything that to be gone for 2 days was suddenly not in your character.

Of course to me, this sounds all very adolescent. Am I wrong? Well done for having the chops to have a head on you OP.

Peggypeg

XarcherX wrote: »

"What's ur problem, why aren't u talking to me" and "where the hell are u, so much for being my friend" and "why are you treating me like this..."

am i being selfish??

Eh no, you're not being selfish, look at the texts they sent, they're the one being all "me, me, me". You have every right to turn off your phone. Seriously wouldn't be putting up with that at all. Tell them you reserve to right to turn off your phone, without notice, when you feel like it. You're an adult and not answerable to them. Are your "friends" always that demanding? Don't think I'd have the time or inclination to be friends with people like that.

LegacyUser

It is OTT but unfortunately it's a product of the age we're living in....you have to be talking to someone every ten mins or else you don't love them enough or you're annoyed with them.
Feel for ya OP!!! Maybe you should explain to your friends why you did this, that there's nothing wrong with you. Next time tell them before switching off, just to keep them off your back.