Let this be a lesson to those who have broken up

LegacyUser

I split from my boyfriend of 3 years 6 months ago. We kept contact on an almost daily basis. He moved into an new house a few weeks ago (with a female flatmate) and now he wont speak to me anymore.

I know we will never get back together. We cant. I had suspicions something might be going on with a new girl, but he denied it. But he was acting weird. Ok - its his life and am acting like a neurotic girlfriend. I should have SHOULD have cut all contact months ago. Why did I do this to myself? Its like breaking up all over again. Am seriously upset. The last time I had contact with him was Saturday and he never replied. What is going on in my head? He did not treat me very well but he was my best friend. I cant get my head around whats going on and why I let myself remain close to him.

If Id cut contact months ago, Id probably be in a better place. Instead im hurting like its just happened.

G-Money

Heartbreaktoo wrote: »

He did not treat me very well but he was my best friend

How is that possible?

Maybe he is s*****g this girl, maybe he isn't. None of us know for sure and I'm guessing you don't want confirmation of that either. It's not nice that he treated you badly and you are right, you should have cut contact.

By staying in contact daily, you still had the emotional aspect of being in a relationship even though you's weren't actually together. So now he's met someone else and even though you's are broken up, it doesn't feel that way as at least from your point of view, you didn't get any distance so it feels like you's are still together.

It's a bit like a junkie shooting up on heroin themselves, rather than getting someone else to do it for them. The end result is that they don't break the dependency.

The good news is that you have spotted where you went wrong. You need to cut off contact and don't fall for "lets stay friends" trick. I flipping hate that as people probably know on this. It's so unfair to the person who got dumped, yet the other person is unwilling/unable to see it.

He's already making it easy for you by not responding to your text or call or whatever it was. Use that as the kick in the ass you needed to get on with your life.

All the best.

Squeeonline

Heartbreaktoo wrote: »

I split from my boyfriend of 3 years 6 months ago. We kept contact on an almost daily basis. He moved into an new house a few weeks ago (with a female flatmate) and now he wont speak to me anymore.

I know we will never get back together. We cant. I had suspicions something might be going on with a new girl, but he denied it. But he was acting weird. Ok - its his life and am acting like a neurotic girlfriend. I should have SHOULD have cut all contact months ago. Why did I do this to myself? Its like breaking up all over again. Am seriously upset. The last time I had contact with him was Saturday and he never replied. What is going on in my head? He did not treat me very well but he was my best friend. I cant get my head around whats going on and why I let myself remain close to him.

If Id cut contact months ago, Id probably be in a better place. Instead im hurting like its just happened.

As much as I hate to admit it, I was/am in a similar position, relationship for 3 years, broke up 6months ago.

I know that she's moved on, and is screwing some new guy, and it hurts. It really hurts. It gets you where no physical pain could. My mistake was not cutting her off entirely. I've now removed her from facebook msn etc deleted phone numbers, just dont want to see anything that reminds me of her.

It'll probably take until I'm happy in a new relationship before I feel I can make contact again. I really do want to talk to her again, we were the closest that 2 people could be for over 3 years.

But it takes a massive mental shift to see someone in a different light to what you've been used to. Instead of looking at her as my girlfriend, the girl I love, I have to change that and it's difficult. This is why I cut all ties, i think it made it easier for me.

Before I cut all ties, I was being neurotic too. Checking her facebook and everything. I hated it. Everytime I did it, it hurt me. It's not the way to heal.

If you want to talk more, PM me. Seriously. I found it really helps to talk to someone.

cafecolour

Heartbreaktoo wrote: »

If Id cut contact months ago, Id probably be in a better place. Instead im hurting like its just happened.

Yes, exactly. It will be like this until you cut contact and move on. You know this, do it, and consider it wisdom well earned - it's very much one of those things every one will tell you but that it doesn't stick until you learn it yourself.

aislink

It's like I'm reading about myself it's ridiculous! And I know how much it absolutely sucks, and sometimes the pain of it seems unbearable. I have the exact same story, going out for just over three years, he was my best friend, but our relationship ended horribly. And now even though I'm angry and hurt, it is nothing compared to how much I miss him, and how happy he made me. And everyone says the same thing: time is a great healer, you will get over it, think of all the new possibilities blah blah.

But until then- it absolutely SUCKS!!!

And I have been doing the same thing- trying to keep in contact but at the end of the day it only makes it worse because he is moving on at a rate that makes me feel like I never even existed. Cut all ties because at the end of the day it only paralyses you.

extrinzic

I was living with my ex for over three years. She left me, I guess because she didn't love me any more. I tried to be a good friend and understand, but she just took advantage of this, getting me to do a thing or two for her. I asked her if she had meet anyone, and she told me she had been seeing someone for a while (she knew this person before we split, she worked with him). Completely cut me up. I texted her to ask her not to contact me any more. The thing is, I left a girl four years ago to be with my ex, so I did it to somebody too. I didn't love the previous girlfriend, and so it was easy at the time. I don't think I realised the gravity of love for a non blood relative. I lost my innocence (of mind/heart), but only well after I committed the crime also. I guess I got what was coming to me. I never experienced hate before this (for her and myself). In truth, I don't hate her now, but I cant ever let anybody into my life like that again. I just feel sad now.

ha-ya-said-what

It reallllly is like reading a story about yourself!!

Ahh look if you find out who he moved in with IS his new partner or whatever and he'd been all nice to you for ages & pretending he was single & what not, you'll soon sit thinking a***hole, then it alll gets easier again.

LegacyUser

Try not to beat yourself up about what you should or shouldn't have done. your post is very down on yourself and guess what- you acted no differently to the majority of good decent people. you tried to keep it amicable and be honest and keep your friend but your BF has not been able for whatever reason to do the same.
You did nothing wrong and remember that! Try to be kind to yourself....give yourself a few treats and stop torturing yourself......and i know thats easier said than done!
It is very harsh and horrible when a friend treats you this way (BF or not) but you need to try to stop dwelling and move on. find things you really enjoy and surround yourself with supportive people. Be determined he will not hurt you any more!

Eve_Dublin

As Grandmaster said, it absolutely annoys the hell out of me when the person who broke your heart doesn´t realise how selfish it is of them to want to stay in touch...you´re hoping they´ll see the light and get back with you and they´re trying to ease their guilty conscience. It never works. If a break up is not mutual then there´s no chance of "friendship". But you live and learn OP.....you´ll never do it again.

Emme

Cut all contact now OP. It's rotten when someone breaks up with you and wants to keep in touch. That happened me and he kept in touch for about a year as a FB until he met someone else. That really hurt but I cut contact and even blanked him when he saw me in the street a few months later and say hello.

Cut all contact and be strong.

modest_marie

Hi,

I feel for you and your pain, I really do. I have been through similar.

I was with a Guy for almost 7 years. We were engaged for 2 years. we broke up 1.5approx years ago 'cos he told me he didn't love me anymore.

(Yes we had a perfect relationship. Living in different countries together, traveling together, a surprise engagement in Byron Bay. Always getting on well and seeming like the perfect couple who never really rowed.)

It took all my strength to let this relationship go, and to be strong.
I was a bit shocked that he wanted to break up woth me. But I just listened as he spoke, then I took off my ring and gave it back to him.
I moved out the next day.
I spent the following week collecting all my stuff from the house, (after 6full years living with someone there was a lot of stuff to be divided).

He decided to stay in the house, and rent out the rooms (even though I asked him not to). He rented one to a Male and one to a Female.
She wasn't living in the house 3 weeks when they got together.

(Might I add that I met my ex in a student house, we randomly moved into the house one year and hit it off, similar to I imagine what he has done again)!

I don't talk to my ex anymore. He has no way of contacting me and neither of us know anything about eachother. It has been the best thing for me anyway.

I am now living where I want to live surrounded by great friends and family, and I have met a great Guy who I'm really happy with :-)
I never

There isn't a lot I can say to you really except that your relationship didn't work out for a reason. You have to accept this reason and move on with your life. You have to realise that it doesn't reflect who you are. Like I used to say it was his problem that he fell out of love with me, but perhaps I was a different person when I was with him maybe because inside I was unhappy. Focus on you, and what you want out of life excluding relationships. This is what will get you through things. Have your down days. After a while you will get tired of down days and realise that it is easier to be stronger and happy.

No matter how bad you think things are, there is always someone outthere worse off than you. But I have gotten through it, and if you stay strong you will get there too.

Now when I look back, my ex didn't deserve me. I deserve someone that won't doubt how they feel about me, and then realise they have made a mistake. I deserve someone that will treat me with the same respect as I would them.
Why did you and your ex break up?

Someday you will be able to say this to yourself. Someday you will be happier than you ever thought you could be!

I wish you luck, and I feel your pain.
But as perfect and all as my ex was. I wouldn't take him back.
Mayve you can take something from this

Wibbs

grandmaster wrote: »

By staying in contact daily, you still had the emotional aspect of being in a relationship even though you's weren't actually together. So now he's met someone else and even though you's are broken up, it doesn't feel that way as at least from your point of view, you didn't get any distance so it feels like you's are still together.

As usual grandmaster is the grandmaster of the lets be friends dynamic and why it's a generally selfish act for the dumper to suggest it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the comments.

I am nearly in tears reading what some of you have been through also.

I know why it ended...and in a way I am looking forward to meeting someone new (gets harder as you get older you know) but I need to sort myself out. He has kind of abused my trust (I lent him some money-dont think I will ever see it again - that was one reason for keeping in contact but I genuinely cared for him).

He is here in the county on his own-no family (from Oz). So I thought I was being a good person and also the fact that I missed him. Looks like ive been taken for a right plonker - he moves on, finds someone else, Im out of pocket, cant get in contact with him and my heart is broken. Am so so angry. I text him again today and still no reply. I need to discuss what is going to happen with the money situation. I know where he lives now, but dont know if I have the balls to go there. I text him that if I didnt hear from him soon, that I would call to the house. Jesus I dont know if something had happened him or what...

LegacyUser

modest_marie wrote: »

Hi,

I feel for you and your pain, I really do. I have been through similar.

I was with a Guy for almost 7 years. We were engaged for 2 years. we broke up 1.5approx years ago 'cos he told me he didn't love me anymore.

(Yes we had a perfect relationship. Living in different countries together, traveling together, a surprise engagement in Byron Bay. Always getting on well and seeming like the perfect couple who never really rowed.)

It took all my strength to let this relationship go, and to be strong.
I was a bit shocked that he wanted to break up woth me. But I just listened as he spoke, then I took off my ring and gave it back to him.
I moved out the next day.
I spent the following week collecting all my stuff from the house, (after 6full years living with someone there was a lot of stuff to be divided).

He decided to stay in the house, and rent out the rooms (even though I asked him not to). He rented one to a Male and one to a Female.
She wasn't living in the house 3 weeks when they got together.

(Might I add that I met my ex in a student house, we randomly moved into the house one year and hit it off, similar to I imagine what he has done again)!

I don't talk to my ex anymore. He has no way of contacting me and neither of us know anything about eachother. It has been the best thing for me anyway.

I am now living where I want to live surrounded by great friends and family, and I have met a great Guy who I'm really happy with :-)
I never

There isn't a lot I can say to you really except that your relationship didn't work out for a reason. You have to accept this reason and move on with your life. You have to realise that it doesn't reflect who you are. Like I used to say it was his problem that he fell out of love with me, but perhaps I was a different person when I was with him maybe because inside I was unhappy. Focus on you, and what you want out of life excluding relationships. This is what will get you through things. Have your down days. After a while you will get tired of down days and realise that it is easier to be stronger and happy.

No matter how bad you think things are, there is always someone outthere worse off than you. But I have gotten through it, and if you stay strong you will get there too.

Now when I look back, my ex didn't deserve me. I deserve someone that won't doubt how they feel about me, and then realise they have made a mistake. I deserve someone that will treat me with the same respect as I would them.
Why did you and your ex break up?

Someday you will be able to say this to yourself. Someday you will be happier than you ever thought you could be!

I wish you luck, and I feel your pain.
But as perfect and all as my ex was. I wouldn't take him back.
Mayve you can take something from this

Reading this reminds me of my own situation except reveresed. I was the guy that dumped my girlfriend of 4 years for no real reason. Maybe I was bored but I just needed a break. We stayed best friends and neither of us went off with anyone else. 8 months later we were still the same. i was being stubborn but deep down i knew she was the one. i was kinda nervous and didn't know what to say. i had enough of chances though and she ended up kissing someone who she is now engaged to.

5 years have passed since that christmas and i kick myself every single hour of every single day for letting what happened happen.

only last week i found out they were building a house together and i fell to pieces again. for a week i've wanted to cry but somehow im stronger than i was a couple of years. still hurting so much though

i have tried to move on but always come back to her. you are right in saying that the other realises they have made a mistake but by then its too late. the seeds of doubt are sown.

To the OP you will get happier. You will move on and meet someone and prove that you are better than your ex. I hurt someone I loved and still love and have paid dearly. i probably should have started my own thread and hope you dont feel like i hijacked this thread but a couple of posts struck a chord with me in that i was the bad guy. the bad guy may or may not realise his mistake in your case but you will get happier. sorry to say i'm on the flip side of that coin. i made my bed and by christ its a lonely place to sleep

modest_marie

Hi alwaysonmymind,

When my ex told me that he didn't love me anymore. That's what finished it in my head for me. I never saw that coming!

When he wanted me back I would always wonder if he loved me, and maybe I didn't love him. And nothing would be worth questioning things all the time. We all deserve to be loved as much as we are willing to love imo.

I don't know what to say to you re your ex. Maybe you are looking back through rosetinted glasses. There must have been something wrong to make it stop working. Could you really get past her being engaged and building a house with someone else? I'm guessing it wouldn't be the same.

I've recently had an ex of 11 years come and tell me that he is broken up with his gf of 7 years and he never loved her... and that his biggest regret was letting me go!!! Huh, Men! Why do ye speak before ye think!!!

(Please don't confuse me with being an arrogant person. I'm not. I'm just stubborn maybe and know what I deserve!)

Op sorry for hijacking your thread.

LegacyUser

It's just one of those things I have to live with. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives, I just happened to make a life-changing one. I'd love to think I'm looking through rose-tinted glasses but I know I'm not. I never stopped loving her the times we were apart and she was the same. Worst thing was we workeded together 3 days a week. There was always that chemistry going on - asking what each other was doing etc. I was just too arrogant to tell her. Took me a while to realise that. Of course it was much easier for me to say I loved her and needed her when I thought I might be losing her.

As she said at the time I was the one that broke it off with her. She couldn't be with me again because she had those doubts. She had a chance with someone new and why ruin that to go back to me. When I stood back and looked at it it made me realise how strong a woman she was. Of course I begged her but to no avail. She was gonna give her new relationship a chance.

I was so in bits I knew I had to go talk to someone. She even offered to go with me if I thought it would help. I only went on my own. Ended up being prescribed sleeping pills and effexor. That was a low point for me. After a while taking them I stopped taking them because I felt I really didn't need them I wanted to get better myself. I felt that it was just inside of me that was broken, not anything else if that makes sense. So I did the usual lost of fresh air, excercise and joined a gym. They might seem like small things but they really do help.

I decided to go travelling then. Felt it would do me the world of good. The morning I was due to go she rang me. She would have been in a relationship 18 months at this stage. For both of us loads came flooding out. Both of us were in tears. I couldn't say sorry enough and wished her well. She said the same. I was aching. Travelling was wonderful. Best year of my life. I would get the occasional text asking how I was doing. She was my best friend and soul mate so I always had loads to tell her. But it hurt thinking how she was getting on with her life. So was I but still missed her. So I came back,went back to college to do a postgrad and now have a great job and feel very lucky.

However in all that time I never stopped thinking about her. Not once. Yes i've been with other girls and tried that. But I don't think its fair if i'm not 100% committed. I'd love to think in the future that I will meet someone else but I have never really felt like meeting someone else. Even when I get a text off her about a song she's heard it's like jesus why did I ever do what I did. She often wonders the same but is happy where she's at now.

I know I'll never ever stop loving her. I think after 5 years if my heart can still feel like it would have 10 years ago then it must be here to stay. I haved moved on in my own little way but when you hear little things like engagement/house/marriage kids, I'm always gonna be left wondering. Even last night my mother said she didn't know what to say. She didn't know either 5 years ago and she still doesn't know now, no-one does. At 29, a grown adult with a good job and loads going for them she's the one thing I miss. Everyone single minute of every day. I made a mistake. A massive one.

Sorry for the ramble. Hopefully people think before they hurt someone in a relationship and it's too late.

modest_marie

Hi,

I am nearly in tears after reading your post.

I feel for you and I don't know what advice to give you.

But if you stay focusing on how great she was, you won't meet anyone else.
There really are some other great People in the world. Maybe you could be swept off your feet again with someone different.

You're not giving yourself that chance.

as I said to my ex, he will have to accept any regrets that he may have in years to come. He made the decision and he will have to deal with that.

Maybe it's time that you accepted that you made a mistake, and believe that everything happens for a reason.

Get out and do what you want to do. Train to climb mt everast if that's something you've always wanted to do. Live your life. Don't spend the next 30 years dwelling on one mistake you made.

Op, sorry for hijacking your post. Perhaps now you will see though what happens when hasty decisions are made.
I am sure your ex still loves you in a way. But the question is are you willing to accept letting him make you jealous, or are you going to put yourself first.

get out there and live your life!

Good luck.