Father wants money, though he may be lying about the reason

LegacyUser

Hey Guys ,

So a little back round info. Male ,20, in college, Have a few quid as i work hard(Well.......).

My dad on the other hand is almost 50(divorced),works hard and is a great father to me and the siblings.

The thing is he is terrible when it comes to money , he spends as soon as he gets.
Last night he text me asking for a 1000 euro(this isn't the first time BTW). He said it was for a big bill and that he'll pay me back in a few weeks. I agreed

When i got to his house , i asked can i see this big bill , he said he couldn't find it .Made me a bit suspicious but whatever.
Next i told i'll go with him to pay the bill tomorrow, he got aggressive and said i couldn't go with him.
Then the last straw on the camels back , was about 20 mins ago when he was in the shower i looked through his phone(not to proud of that). As i was reading his msgs i found he wanted to pay for his trip to France with his girlfriend(as she paid for the last one)

Now i knew he was going to France but i thought it was already paid for and it was sorted.
TBH i think he will be paying for the holiday with my money.

Also whats on my mind that IF he is telling the truth and i don't give him the money, he said he could be fined for not paying it .

What to do ???

What do you guys think i should do??
Was thinking of asking him for a receipt of the bill ?? Maybe

Victor

I think you need to have an honest grown up chat with him.

While you need to realise he is still your (divorced) father, he needs to realise that (a) you are an adult (b) he is looking for €1,000. Now, its one thing for family to loan or give money to each other, but it gets iffy if there is a lack of transparency and honesty.

Is this a matter of (a) short term cash flow problems (b) living beyond his means or (c) inappropriate indebtedness through gambling, substance abuse or financing a romance beyond sense.

quickbeam

You say that this isn't the first time he's asked for a large loan. If he paid you back promptly last time, and you've no reason to assume he won't pay you back promptly again, then just lend him the money. It's not like he's looking for it for something illegal or that will do himself harm with it (eg, drugs). Sure, in an ideal world we'd all be 100% honest with each other but he probably sees this as only a white lie.

If on the other hand he's not been good at paying you back, then demand some evidence of the bill he's paying and don't give a penny (or cent) until he's done so.

LegacyUser

Well i know for a fact it's not drugs or gambling , as i said he's a great father , jst the money that the issue,

About 2 years ago he borrowed 500 , then 800 then another 200 , that 1500 euro and i didn't see that money again for 15 months , and the only reason i got it was because he came in to some money (4000) which BTW was gone in less then a month.

i don't mind giving him the money if i knew he was telling the truth . but i just can't , i can tell when he's lying or hiding something and i think it's one of these times.

and as for asking another family member , my two sisters won't even talk to him about money and my brother , well lets just say he takes after my dad , and haven't got a penny to his name

Can you afford it? Assuming he doesn't give it back?

kmick

Well he took his time but he did pay back the last loan. I mean once you loan it to him he can give it all away to charity as long as he gives it back to you at some point. Not sure why he is lying here - I mean he could have told you the truth and avoided all the hassle. I would say you can loan him the money but you want 200/month back. Immediate pain is a good way to learn how to handle money.

Oh The Humanity

Lending money is unwise.

Especially to someone who took 15 months to pay back the last lot. If you want to know how someone is going to behave in the future look to how they behaved in the past.

He no more wants this money for a bill than the man in the moon as you well know so stop letting him guilt manipulate you with the 'fine' story.

Also the fact that he got aggressive when challenged about the details to me I would automatically disqualify him for that alone. If you are asking to borrow money you better adopt a humble attitude.

I wouldn't lend it to him.

opinion guy

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Also the fact that he got aggressive when challenged about the details to me I would automatically disqualify him for that alone. If you are asking to borrow money you better adopt a humble attitude.

Major, major +1 to that

jimoc

Tell him you can't get the money out of the bank and to give you the account details of the billing company and you'll transfer it directly.

Alternatively, tell him you are skint and that you can give it to him when he gets back from the holiday that he is going to use it to pay for.

If he wants to be sneaky and underhanded about it, you can play that game too.

Or come right out and tell him you read the phone message and get him to look you in the eye and tell you that the money isn't to take his girlfriend to france.

Emme

OP, imagine if you were the father and he were the son. A son comes to a father looking for €1,000, won't tell him what it's for and gets aggressive when asked. The same son is bad with money and took his time to pay back previous loans, and could only do it because he came into money. What would advise the father to do? Keep giving his son handouts, or let him make his own way and learn to be financially responsible for himself?

You are in a situation where you seem to be parenting your father. He needs to grow up, cop on and be financially responsible for himself. Otherwise you'll end up bankrolling him for the rest of his life and you'll compromise yourself into the bargain.

Don't let him pull a guilt trip on you no matter how much you care for him or how good he is. If his girlfriend is willing to pay for trips to France with him that's her affair. You put yourself first and the sooner you start doing it the better.

If he has problems paying bills he should go to MABs for financial advice.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

It sounds like he has become dependent on you as a source to bail him out when he needs it, but because you are his son he thinks he doesnt have to respect you, so its a parent child dynamic rather than two adults making a decision, i would imagine the issue is more about that then the money, he would probably not like it if you lied to him, why is it OK for him to lie to you especially when you are doing such a nice favour, some people who dont respect money just think ah sure its nothing its only a lend, like i get a lot of people asking me to use my credit card and then they will pay me back later, it is the inconvenience of it all and having to chase people or deal with it that can put strain on a relationship, dont forget you can also lend the money but on your terms like say il give it to you but i want it back before christmas.

If you are feeling uncomfortable with money in your relationship with your dad why dont you say to him that this is the last time you will lend it because you do not want strain or money to come in between your relationship.


All the best.

MadMoss

Hi OP,
You are not responsible for your father.
We all should learn to be financially self sufficient. If you do not lend him the money he will have no choice but to be less dependent on you, which is a better relationship for both of you.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

deisemum

Neither a borrower nor lender be is normally a good thing to follow. I've seen too many cases where someone has borrowed money from a family member or friend and it's ended in tears.

Miaireland

To be honest I wouldn't lend the money. Firstly I would be a bit worried that he wouldn't show you the bill or tell you the truth about what it is far.

Secondly the fact that he got aggressive with you when you questioned what he wanted the money for.

Also, you mentioned that you had to wait 15 months before you got your money back last time and that you only got it back because he came into money and that he spent the rest of the money quickly.

You mention your Dad works hard. I assume that you mean he is in paid employment so really he should be able to pay for his own holiday. If he is bad with money, you bailing him out for things like holidays is not going to help him.

If I were you I would adopt your sister's attitude about money with him unless it is a really emergency and in that case you should see the bill and go and pay it yourself.

I know it is tough when it is your own Dad and I don't envy your position but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.