Male friend is bringing me down

Tired123

So I've been friends with him for maybe 3 years, he's the boyfriend of a friend of mine. He's always been kind of hard to deal with but we'd have a laugh. Over the past couple of months though he has kind of turned on me. We'd be talking away, having a laugh like normal and then he'd come out with comments about how i look. Not particularly nice comments. Now I'm not good looking and I accept that. But its one thing for me to think I'm ugly, its another thing to have someone so blatantly suggest it. I really don't know what to do. My confidence( what little there was of it) is shot. We live together which obviously makes it worse because at this stage I could go my whole life without seeing him again. He is toxic. He rips me apart and then is all chatty again. It's mad. And there's more to life than being attractive isn't there? I'm not in a relationship right now and I do hold my looks responsible for that, so obviously when my 'friend' insults them it does hit a nerve.

So i'm stuck. And I'm not sure what I want ye to say. I just needed to get it out.

kittenkiller

You poor thing!
Stand up for yourself and tell this guy where to go!

Next time he says something, call him on it.
Say "Listen, that's out of order. I try to be civil to you, but if you're not going to treat me with enough respect to do the same, I think we should re-think our relationship."

Be as calm about it as possible, but don't back down.

Best of luck!

cafecolour

Is moving not an option? There's a lot of cheap flats out there.

If he's the BF of a friend, can you ask her what's up?

Next time he does it, I'd just say "Excuse me?" and give him a hard stare. If he repeats or goes any farther, just walk away.

XarcherX

he sounds exactly like someone i know.... in insecure pr1ck!!
IMO the only way to go is to pull him on it as he doesn't seem to be letting up... have you ever let him know in any way shape or form that he's upsetting you?
Regardless whether you have or not, he must realise this is getting to you and is either a complete thicko and really thinks ur taking it as a joke OR is doing it on purpose to make himself look better (stupid i know but that's how these people work)
Only other thing i would say is when you are pulling him on it, don't do it in a nasty way or in front of other people, this will only give him ammo to turn it into a slagging match which he'll no doubt get a kick out of to make himself look the funny man and will probably upset you even more...
If he is any sort of a friend or decent guy at all, once you sit him down and tell him that he is really hurting your feelings he should stop.
if not then i would advise maybe saying it to your friend as you can't be expected to put up with this sh!!, noone should

thatsa spicy

Sorry to hear you're getting guff off this chap. Is there anything you could say back to him that would embarress the hell out of him?! Seriously, if I was you I would have something ready on the tip of my tongue to give to him the next time the he says something!

Also, I'd like to say that very obvious facial or physical attractivness often intimidates guys because it often accompanies, in my experience and that of many of my friends, a nasty and unlikable personality! Girls of average looks and a friendly disposition are in a better position I think!

Overheal

He wants you. Or at least, thats how you have to address the situation.

Good chance of that anyway. I bet if you challenged him about it he'd clam up awfully quick.

Mackleton

Hey OP sorry for your situation. This guy is a class A nasty b*stard, the kind of guy that makes himself feel big and clever/attractive by tearing others down. Under no circumstances should you move out unless there is no other option, please don't let this idiot chase you out of your home. Stand up to him and you will feel really proud of yourself.

When/if a similar thing occurs again simply stop and say something along the lines of: Listen, I don't know who you think you are to speak to me that way but that was completely out of order.

Then watch him stop, blink, and eventually look embarrassed. Your statement has to be strong though or he will dismiss it.

Good luck!

Tired123

Thanks for the all the advice. I've kept my distance from him for the last few days. I've been cordial but I haven't been drawn into a conversation with him. Of course he has been nice to me, as is his way-he makes me believe that I'm safe from insults and then bam another one. So I'm going to be very cautious. Also I think time has reduced the impact of what he said, so I don't feel so bad anymore. I am a pretty strong person and generally I stick up for myself but there's something about a guy commenting on my looks that stays with me. Anywho, I'm just thankful I'm not the one going out with him!

MizzLolly

I don't believe that anyone is 'ugly' unless they have a massive, massive flaw in their personality. As far as looks alone go, it's very difficult to write someone off as being ugly. The only time I'd ever consider anyone to be ugly is if they've done something to intentionally hurt me or someone else and is generally a horrible, nasty person. Looks rarely comes into it at all.

So don't take the 'ugly' comment personally. I may be hideous to some men but gorgeous to others. This guy is in no position to decide if you're 'ugly' or not.

I'd say just start getting confrontational with him, call him up on it. Tell him he's not in a position to judge anyone else when he's not even man enough to show you some respect, regardless of how he feels about your image.

He's an absolute prick and I doubt very, very much that this has anything to do with how you look.

martdalto

I would agree with with the others - Say something to him (any really good, witty retorts out there people??)

Your only other option is to spend your time trying to avoid him and limiting where you go in your own house... That's NOT an option!

Try, the next time he says something, to just look at him blankly and say "Sorry?" then don't say ANYTHING (keep looking at him though). If he repeats it - just look at him - as if he has said something very very stupid(which he has) and still say nothing. Stay looking at him until he gets uncomfortable by the silences and stutters something else. Then just turn away - without saying a word, and resume whatever you were doing.

But challenge him.

And all it takes to challenge him is one word..

scanlas

Hint to him that him that his girlfriend thinks he is crap in bed or thinks he has a small penis.

seamus

See, the problem is here that you may be talking with your friend about various insecurities you have, or generally having a bitch and a girly chat as girls do. Then you friend goes back and tells her boyfriend about all or part of these chats, as often happens.

Because he lives with you and knows this information, he may feel that he's somewhat OK to talk to you within this "truth between friends" context, when obviously he's entirely not.

I would agree with kittenkiller - the next he says something out of line, say it to him and say it to him in no uncertain terms. Don't fly off the handle or shout at him, just tell him firmly that he's out of line with his comments. Very quickly he'll get the message that the friendship isn't as close as he thinks it is.

In terms of "not good looking", well most people aren't models. Most people don't have hordes of the opposite sex stampeding to their door. But at the same time, there are very few people that you can call "unattractive". Almost everybody is attractive - physically and personality-wise. The human race would never have gotten this far if significant numbers of us weren't attractive to everyone else.
However, low confidence and low self-worth often causes people to mask their attractiveness and so it gets missed. Those "makeover" shows you'll notice are very rarely about plastering someone in makeup or telling them to go and lose weight. In general all they do is change their appearance so that they look more confident and therefore they appear more attractive. Which in turn breeds confidence. Confidence can spiral upwards in exactly the same way it spirals downwards.

Kipperhell

Your friend might not realise he is insulting you and just think it is standard bloke jibbing. Sometimes people are too sensitive and some times people are too personal.

I really just dislike the idea that somebody can't be physically ugly and everybody is beautiful in their own way. Some people are physically ugly the same way some people are physically beautiful. It is silly to go on and say people are something they are not. We have all seen the deluded people on shows like X Factor which seem to be the product of over support. Equally as damaging as constant put downs.

You need to spell it out that you don't expect the insults to go on. He could be depressed and lashing out without even noticing so not as evil as people think. If you are actually ugly you kind have to deal with that as your reality. The chances are you are not as ugly as you feel and you should always try to look your best to feel your best. Confidence is always attractive.

Either way you need to stand up for your self which may mean moving out if he doesn't behave.

LegacyUser

Op don't be so harsh on yourself! It sounds like he's really shot your confidence, there are very few people in this world who are ugly and I very very much doubt that you are. Beauty is subjective, most of us are average looking, but there are always going to be plenty of people out there who think you are lovely looking.

It's like Roald Dahl said, a nice happy smiley kind person might have wonky teeth and a big forehead but they'll always be beautiful looking compared to the nasty, cruel and mean people in this world. Nastiness shows on the face.

As regards your 'friend', he sounds nasty and toxic. What is he? A male model? I doubt it!

I'd be very quick to nip that in the bud, friends don't talk to each other like that so get angry instead of hurt and tell him very sharply that you don't appreciate his nasty remarks. If he doesn't stop making comments then just distance yourself from him, you don't need people like that in your life. Best of luck!

kjl

I have a female friend I call ugly, but only say it as a joke, because clearly she is not. Is this possibly the case. A lot of people don't realise they are attractive.

If this is not the case and you feel you are ugly, what part of you do you feel is ugly, are you overweight? If so you could lose the weight. Its not that hard to do.

LegacyUser

I don't think you should make fun of a persons looks or even comment on their looks negatively even in ironic terms, esp if it's something that cannot be dealt with constructively. There is of course exceptions. I mean if you tell someone that they smell then they can have a bath or whatever, or if they're overweight they can do some exercise but if a person is ugly then there's not really anything useful or constructive that can be made of your 'comment'.

As evidenced in the post about What might be a joke or a throwaway comment to you can sometimes effect the recieptent in deep traumatic ways that go beyond your comprehension. There's frequent stories of very good look looking women in bars never getting chatted up because blokes are intimidated. Then couple this with ironic comments about a good looking girl being 'ugly' and you'll soon find that this looker is full of selfloathing for no reason.

The barometer for looks not like getting a 1.1 in university wherby you can clearly see that you are above average. Looks are very subjective and you'd be surprised to learn how many good looking people out there consider themselves ugly because these reactions.

Back to the OP, I don't really know what the solution but I think you should talk to your friend about it. Either that or consider (by virtue of the fact that they are together) that perhaps your friend might be of similar mindset to this b/f character and then you have to ask yourself do you really need either of them in your life.