worried about son in college

LegacyUser

Hi
It unusual for me to ask help from these things but it might help clear my head about it.
My son started university in the UK this year, he drifted around the place for many years and seems to have finnaly found something he likes.
I know he is finding it very hard he was always a very sensitive boy when he was young and would get homesick very easily
He tells me on the phone that he is struggling with things he hastnt been in school in over 4 years so everything is new to him all over again. We missed his birthday recently he couldnt affrod to come home and we couldnt afford to get over to see him
This really upset me as we always made a big deal outta birthdays.
We are struggling financially to keep him there and he is working full days at the weekend to keep himself. He is feircly independant though, I remember once he was thrown out of a house for some random matter and he couldnt afford to stay anywhere so was homeless for about two weeks and he never let it on until after he found somewhere again, even though we would have given him the money.
Right now he studies and is in lectures 9-5 during the week and works 9-5 at the week end, he is really far behind his class or so he tells me and is very worried about his tests in a few weeks.
I asked him was it too much for him and was he sure he didnt want to come home, he said no and said he may not be home for christmas as he cant afford it and will probably be working anyway.
Me my wife and his sisters miss him alot and I know he misses us but he wont let on.
I am scared my son may be burning himself out by trying to hard, he really hate asking us for money, we trie tohelp even though there is not much we can do for him we dont have much monye and none of us ever went to university or secondary school for that matter so we definitly cant help him with his studies.
Could someone please kinda ease my mind about this.

Overheal

Independence is such a rare trait these days :pac: But on a serious note Ma'am, getting to the stage of Homeless is a No Go. Especially in college. That is a huge strain on body and mind not to have somewhere safe to sleep. And thats just one of what I am sure are dozens of factors playing on the Lad's head.

I think if it has progressed this far an Intervention is required. I would contact the college directly and query them about the best way to proceed. They have their own counseling and they have their own financial aid budget which is set aside specifically to help students falling on the harshest times, like your Son's.

Get on the phone or write an email to the school's Lead Counselor. You should be able to find it on the campus website.

watna

University is tough. It is. Especially when you are working as well. A lot of people go to lectures all day and then work weekends so it's not completely out of the ordinary but not everyone can handle it.

I think the best thing you can do is to make sure he knows that you are there for him - I know you said that you don't have much money but as long as he knows that he can talk to you and that if it gets too much he can come home if he wants - anytime and you won't mind. If nobody in your family went to university maybe he feels he would be letting you down if he doesn't succeed at it? Uni can be really stressful and I know what's it like to struggle with the subjects - it's very pressured. Can he ask for some tutoring or some extra help?

It might also be a good idea to find out what kind of support his university has in place (i.e. counselling and proffessional services he can turn to if he needs it) and make sure he knows the details.

Fair play for him for working so hard. Is he enjoying himself at all do you think? He should be enjoying the social side of things too - even if it's only one evening a week. You should be proud of him for giving it a go. It's only natural that you worry. I guess you just need to reassure yourself that he is not taking everything on his shoulders and knows when to get help. We all need it sometimes.

Monkey61

OP I think you are worrying too much.

Like has been said already, it is a perfectly normal thing for people to go to college 5 days a week and then work all weekend. When I was in college, I lived in a windowless bedsit and worked 7 days a week on top of my lectures. It wasn't an ideal state of affairs but I got on with it because I didn't have a choice. My mother and sister were essentially homeless at the time, being housed in a succession of relatives and friends spare rooms and obviously didn't have any spare cash. Add to that that I was struggling with severe depression, but I still survived and got my 2:1.

The important thing is that you son is an adult and as such has to learn to stand on his own two feet. Missing a birthday with your family at the age of (I am presuming) 22 or older is not a big deal. As for missing Christmas. Well unless he is working on Christmas day itself, if booked now, I am pretty sure that a cheap flight could be had for peanuts. (I was actually just looking into the same thing myself this morning as I live in the UK)

Now I am not saying that this is the case, but is there any chance that he is perhaps over exaggerating or trying to make you feel guilty about anything? The 2 weeks of homelessness thing is a bit strange and if I was too proud to ask my parents for money to help I certainly would never mention it to them after the fact as I know it would upset and worry them beyond belief. Him getting kicked out of a house onto the streets is also a bit unusual. Does he have any major behavioural problems? That is quite an extreme thing to happen.

Look I know that parents worry, God knows mine do and I don't think you will ever stop worrying. But your son is an adult. Let him know that there are college resources where he can find help if he needs it. There will be free counsellors and whatnot. It is then his choice if he wants to avail of them or not. As for encouraging him to come home, well what will he do when he gets here? Will he be able to find a job in this climate? And will he ever go back to college again then?

Is there any way he could transfer to a college in Ireland? I know the decision has already been made, but agreeing to fund him through a couple of years of college in the UK seems like a bit of a crazy idea when you clearly can't afford it.

Cabbage Brained

I think it's natural for you to be worried, but it sounds like your son will be tough enough to get through it. Just reassure him that if it does all get too much for him that you'll understand that and that he doesn't have anything to prove to you, at the same time as telling him to just give it his all and try not to give up.

If he has a few weeks before his exams that is plenty of time to brush up. College is all about just not losing hope in yourself. I remember thinking about it like a brick wall that you have to just run at as hard as you can at and hope you get through. Most of the time you will, but you definitely won't get through it if you don't bother running at it at all! I don't know if that makes any sense, but basically what I mean is just tell him to study as much as he can and sit his tests, and I'm sure he'll be pleasantly surprised by the results. Then that will probably give him confidence for future ones...

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
As others have said, what your son is experiencing is quite typical of a student's life. Work and study mixed in with being broke and homesick.

As a lecturer, the one thing I will suggest you tell him is that if he is having difficulty with his workload he should talk to his lecturers. Many are understanding of the pressures students are under and how it is particularly difficult for mature students after being away from a school environment for a number of years. They will, I'm sure, be more than happy to guide him and work with him on reasonable deadlines etc.

Also, you should suggest he seek out the Mature Students Society on campus. I'm sure he would find it a great source of support.

In the meantime, a scattered care package from home will help with the homesickness until Christmas comes along.

Good luck.