alone, miserable, just me. want to be fixed. but kinda not.

LegacyUser

im 21 in college no friends.
dont get along with the other girls in my class. just cant connect with them dunno why i just have nothing at all in common with them other than college. dont not get along ok and we hang out during the day but just not really friends with them.
always feel like they leave me out and im always alone
id always ahve got allong better with boys. all the fellas in my class are grand and when we talk we get along grand. i can connect much better with them (im a girl). problem is theyre all kinda closed shop only friends with lads type lads. the class has an odd dynamic in it i guess where the girls are friends with girls. the culchies are friends with culchies. the dubs are friends with dubs. no mixing. so i end up with no friends.

i HATE some of the girls. they are so nasty the whole time. i mean i can still get along with them cos i dont want to be really alone. some girls are nice but some are just rotten and its a small class so cant avoid it. it just always feels like they are mocking me and look down on me as some weird sort of slightly "special" person in a way

i just kinda want to die. i am really quite clever and usually get top marks (literally). i just find college so hard. I hate group work cos i end up carrying everyone in the group and get real stressed and they just do not seem to care so there isnt any point talking to them cos they just do not care.

i always think about dying. how i kinda would like to. i dont think im suicidal tho cos i would never do it. i would not put my family through that. i just cant seem to get going on anything though.

i took an online test and it said, well i guess i will just show what it says

i don't want any of the above to be true because i have so many plans for life (that seem so impossible to attain right now) that would be destroyed if i was diagnosed with anything (this might seem melodramatic but it's actually true cos the jobs i want all require medicals and to be of sound mind etc)

i dunno

i just hate being me

also for the record i am a bit of a tom boy. i was never girly. ever. i thought maybe i'm bi or lesbian but i dont think thats right. i think im internally a boy. all my friends are boys. any female friends i have are from hobbies thst are very very very male orientated. i just want to be normal.

i wish somone could fix me.

Nevyn

Firstly Online tests are not worth the paper they are written on, don't be taking them and winding yourself up.


Secondly so your a non girlie female who can't stand the company of bitchy girlie female,
nice you meet you I am the same.

Mostly male firends, yup.
Communitcates better with males, yup.
Prefers male company, yup.
Refuses to get into girlie status games, yup.
Has what are pecieved as male intrests and hobbies, yup.
Prefers boot to high heels, yup.
Can't stand the colour pink, yup.


Hey are you sure your not me from another time line?

Just cos you seem to be a Tomboy or gender queer ( not conforming to the standard sterotypical idea of what a female is ) that does not mean you are transgendered
Bisexual or a lesbian, oh if I had euro for every time I was called a dyke from the age of 14 I would be very rich indeed.

So you say you are smart and don't conform and don't fit in with thier socail peaking order and it's starting to get to you. Well I would suggest a trip to go talk to your college counsellor, do it soon before it starts effecting your grades badly, don't let yourself get in a hole with it, and remember college won't last for ever and you don't
have to take crap from people who are too narrow minded to accept you for what you are a person first and foremost.

It's only in my mid 30s that I have started to have female friends, mostly because they are grown up enough to accept me for who I am and how I am.

Don't let them get to you.

As for 'someone' fixing you, no one can but yourself. Go and talk to the counsellor and have a load taken off and then see what needs doing for you to be happy with you.

Peggypeg

Big hug to you sweetie. I know what you're talking about. I never got on very well with girls, couldn't keep up with the bitchyness and was kinda left out of the loop. The people on your course don't sound terribly nice to be honest. Can you have friends away from college and then it wouldn't bother you too much? What's the point of trying so hard to be friends with people you don't actually like? College won't last forever and then you'll be out mixing with people in the real world, and believe me they won't care if you're male/female, dub/cultchy etc (well hopefully).

If you really feel that you are a male on the inside you should definately talk to your GP to arrange to have this looked into. If you are transgender (excuse me if this is the wrong word), it is very hard to deal with alone, I really would strongly urge you to seek professional advice on this.

Either way remember you won't be in college for long, please don't think about harming yourself, what can seem hugely important now will look so unimportant with hindsight.

I really do feel for you, it's very tough what you're going through at the moment but don't forget there is help, talk to family, guidance counsellers, gps, samaritans or whoever but don't keep bottling it all up. And by all means come back on boards whenever you want and have a bit of a vent.

Big Big hugs.

Heathen

hey just from a male perspective...

I was a complete loner in school (im in my thirties now) everyone in my school was into football and i wasent so i was an outcast right away, also i had long hair and was into music, and the rest of the school was "jack the raver" so of course the hippy got a hard time, but i found it made me grow a thick layer of skin and years later i am happy as a clam, i have hundreds of mates.. have built a pretty successful life for myself, stil play music and people like me for who i am cos i never changed myself to suit anyone.. your only young and i know its hard to see past tomorrow.. but do me a favor try not to think about next week, take it ONE day at a time, and remember this simple saying that got me through all the bad sh1t in my life "this too shall pass" it means that you can be the saddest person in the world with nothing to live for, and tomorrow it could pass and you can be happy, but equally appreciate what you do have, cos tomorrow it can be taken away from you... stay positive and remember there's always us here to get stuff off your chest... none of us are perfect!! we all have been through a lot on life and were a great bunch for advise cos were all messed up in the head

Heathen

sunflower27 wrote: »

Well said. I'm another fan of the 'this will pass' mantra. Has brightened many a low day for me

it actually is an amazing little quote, when i first found it i was at the lowest point of my life, i lost everything in a very quick time, my girl, my home money, and turned to drink and drugs for a few months and ended up sleeping on a floor, i held that quote in my head for a long time, and slowly rebuilt my life, now i am in a very good job, starting my own business and have found a beautiful girl that i get on great with, i still have a battle ahead in life but im prepared for it now cos i learnt the hard way, and in my opinion its the best way to learn!! i also posted many an anonymous post on this board and received lots of help and encouragement.. so to the OP remember that we here will help as much as possible, and the lads here have helped me back on my feet so i am here to return the favor

stay positive.. you'll look back and laugh/ or cringe with a smile on this period of your life :-)

Eve_Dublin

I can empathise with you too to some degree OP. My first year in college wasn´t very nice....and either was my second if I´m honest and that´s why I dropped out of my course and started a new one that I knew I´d meet people I´d have more in common with.

I should´ve known what type of people my course would attract but unlike you, I did´t get good grades in my LC so didn´t have much choice or didn´t know I had a choice. It seemed as if everyone knew each other already even before they started uni and they obviously all came from a wealthy part of Dublin and they were the absolute stereotype: they all drove flashy cars to school, dressed up in full make-up, fake tan, high-heeled ensemble everyday, stupid trivial conversation about nothing and carried on in class like they were in 1st year of secondary school to the point where our lecturer refused to teach us. I´d never come across people of their ilk before. I was lucky to have a small group of friends and interestingly, they were made up of one girl from Wexford, a guy and 2 girls from less desirable parts of Dublin and a Spanish girl...the division of class, nationality and being from the another part of Ireland was so ridiculously obvious...we were always excluded from the rest of the class and I remember one day one of the "popular" girls came in with invitations for her birthday party....she had one for everyone in the class except me and my little group and made a point of handing them out before the class and excluding us. We´d done absolutely nothing to this girl. I felt like I´d somehow been teleported into a terrible American teen high school movie with the cool girls and the nerds.

In hindsight, it was completely ridiculous. All the time I thought there was something wrong with me when it was actually them. They were the ones with the problem and lack of desire to diversify their group. We were the same age but I´d slightly more cop on to act somewhat like an adult, not try and join in the with the cool gang and make friends with people I actually liked.

I know you can´t see the bigger picture now, OP but you´ll look back one day and pity those unfriendly b*tches in your class. It´s 100% their fault, not yours. They´re too old for this kind of carry on so just feck them. Get your head down and ride out this year, maybe join a society of people you think you might have more in common with and continue to be yourself. I promise you you will find your kind of people soon enough....don´t change yourself to fit in with people you´d rather gouge your eyes out instead of hanging around with. I personally would rather be alone for all eternity than have to put up with people who constantly b*tch about others. Keep your chin up, girl and ride this out. It´ll get better.

foodie66

OP its really not that uncommon to have little in common with your class. I was in a course made up of 90 odd girls and one guy!!! Luckily I met a nice girl on the first day and we sort of hung out together from then on. I only really got to know 3 or 4 others reasonably well over the whole course and the rest i was merely polite to. I find a group of girls together generally something to avoid so i know what you mean!!!

My advice is to be polite and say hello to whoever you are sitting beside. You don't have to be bosum buddies with them but the worst thing you could do is totally withdraw from them as they won't bother with you at all then. Happened to a girl in our course. She wouldnt speak to anyone and got a 'weirdo' tag from then on. Ask about borrowing notes etc.

As to the rest of your post you really need to talk to a professional as they are some serious feelings you are internalising. Can't you speak to a family member and go from there? Chin up, speaking as someone who has a parent with manic depression anything can be overcome if you deal with it. But leaving it the way it is won't help. Good luck.