Confidence shot when it comes to men

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

(This is longer than I had planned, apologies in advance!)

I know this is your run-of-the-mill issue around here, but I would appreciate insight / a fresh outlook nonetheless. I'm a great one for the advice myself when it comes to friends and even around here, but it just seems impossible to take your own objective advice when it comes to something personal...!

So I'm another one of those eternally single, date-less, romance-less, mid twenties women. I could give the whole everything-going-for-me, smart, attractive-woman, lots-of-great-friends malarkey to fill things in, but to be honest, I'm at the point where I feel like my looks and personality are just not the problem here. My confidence (or lack of) is.

I can't remember the last time I scored, I've never had a meaningful relationship beyond the frivolous flings and when I fancy someone, I can barely talk to them. I've recently realised there's been a pattern when it comes to my love life: I set my sights on someone, but the thought of actually making contact with this person, flirting, making them aware of my feelings...never even enters my mind. Instead it becomes an internal infatuation, unknown to everyone except myself, and I end up just admiring them from afar until the infatuation dies or the person leaves my life. Pathetic, I know. (And why I am unreg!) I did this with a guy in my class during college, fancied him for the most of the four years I was there, and I can count on one hand the amount of conversations I had with him during that time.

Same with guys in the Gaeltacht etc when I was younger. It's like the idea of making my feelings known even terrifies me - the possibility of rejection etc

Another major block is the fact that I am not putting myself in the line of fire. I work a lot, and outside of work it's gym, weekends at home in Galway where I spend all my time with my family or best friend, or go for walks on my own. I like to spend time on my own, but I'm very sociable too and love people.

I get lonely. I feel like I may be shooting myself in the foot when it comes to meeting someone, because my lack of confidence is preventing me from being emotionally available or approachable, and the way I have structured my life doesn't allow for many chance encounters.

I've recently started working out a lot, eating healthily and taking care of myself, so I'm doing what I feel I need to do in terms of attracting men, and feeling great, I'm just getting worried that this isn't my problem, and it's not going to make an iota of difference because of the way my mind is set.

How do I crack out of this? I don't necessarily want a relationship (unless I met someone who was really worth it), I'd just like a bit of a love life to speak of! I've been so long without it's impacting the way I feel about myself - it's becoming hard for me to see myself as attractive, or even a sexual being at this stage!! Both of which I am, without blowing my own horn.

Reading over all of this makes it as clear as black and white to me as to what my problem is, but I'm just unsure of the answer. I don't want to be single for the rest of my life! But all the same, I'm definitely not desperate and the chance of me giving out some sort of 'desperate vibe' is definitely not an issue, for those of you who were thinking it might be this ...I'm not, and never have been clingy when it comes to men. My problem is probably the opposite - I just don't pursue, or invest too much, the rare time I do meet someone, so inevitably things fall by the wayside.

So sorry about the length of this. I could write a book on the topic! Problem is, all the theories I have are just me procrastinating, because I need to start taking action or changing my behaviours...

Has anyone been through the same and learned how to put themselves 'out there'? Anyone have any practical advice?

Thanks for reading, it's therapeutic to just get it out!

G-Money

I sort of know where you are coming from.

I'm male and in a similar boat, no relationships to speak of and not even a casual fling(s) either so. It's a tough situation. When it lasts a while, you start to think there's something wrong with you. If it goes on too long it can begin to have a negative effect. I'm speaking from my own experience here too.

I've also done the looking from afar thing. Just sitting there, you see someone you like but don't do anything about it. Then eventually they end up with someone else, or you lose interest. The end result is the same in that you end up alone.

I'm not sure how to change it I'm afraid. I guess you can try to go out and be chatty and not think about rejection. Just be social and try not to think about necessarily meeting someone. Just try to have a good night out and have a laugh with your friends.

Sorry I don't have anything more constructive to say.

e04bf099

I could've written this myself tbh. So no, if I had any advice I wouldn't be in my own perpetual predicament.

When it happens it happens and it usually happens in unexpected ways. I've been planning to use paid dating sites, but I've been putting that on the long finger, as with most things of this nature.

If you wanna chat PM me:).

Good-luck;)

ogriofa

yep, same boat here.

I am a very similar type.

Is there a chance you are doing too good a job at not appearing desperate? I did. When I finally told a pal that that I'd love a girlfriend, she couldn't believe it. Thought I had zero interest.

Next time you see someone, and you're feeling brave, try a smile. That's all, don't go with the hair flick and try to "vibe him out" and all that stuff. Just go with a smile. Nobody has to see it but them. And it's just a smile.

Any girlfriend I've had I haven't been on the prowl. Quite the opposite. It's a cliché for a reason, it happens alllll the time.
I wasn't even in good form when I met them. Just said "Hi" with no expectation of any more convo. In fact, they took it from there.

You're not a right-off yet

Libertewhite

A smile says a thousand words:D

Ogriofa is bang on!

opinion guy

hey loveless.

so really you are describing a self esteem thing here no ? I'm going to rfer you to my previous post on this:
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=62740030&postcount=170

one word answer thou: Salsa

LegacyUser

.... when I fancy someone, I can barely talk to them. I've recently realised there's been a pattern when it comes to my love life: I set my sights on someone, but the thought of actually making contact with this person, flirting, making them aware of my feelings...never even enters my mind. Instead it becomes an internal infatuation, unknown to everyone except myself, and I end up just admiring them from afar until the infatuation dies or the person leaves my life. Pathetic, I know. (And why I am unreg!) I did this with a guy in my class during college, fancied him for the most of the four years I was there, and I can count on one hand the amount of conversations I had with him during that time.

Same with guys in the Gaeltacht etc when I was younger. It's like the idea of making my feelings known even terrifies me - the possibility of rejection etc

That was me throughtout all of my teens and early 20's. I am male though (and it was a girl I fancied for most of college ha ha). But yeah, I was pretty bad. If I like a girl I would nearly ignore her... like primary school or something!

Sadly, you can't be told to be more confident, you need to work thorough it yourself. You want to know how to crack out of it? I can't really tell you how to do that I am afraid, but I am writing this post to tell you that it can be done, and quite easily. Cause I did it.

I had a mate who was a good mentor. I got out with him and got scoring girls... once that happens the confidence is up and the rest kind of falls into place. It took several months with me but then you could just have an epiphany.

It won't happen unless you get out there though, and it won't happen unless you make an effort and that is not easy in the start, but oh so worth it in the end. I now have a lovely gf who I had the nuts to go and chat up in a bar.

BraziliaNZ

e04bf099 wrote: »

If you wanna chat PM me:).

lame

Wibbs

BraziliaNZ if you have a problem with a post please report it. Don't clutter up the thread. Thanks

ash23

I kind of see where you are coming from.

Here's what you need to do imo.

You need to go out more. You need to open up to your friends about being lonely. They will help you. It's also fun to talk about crushes. Most of the guys I have pulled in the last few years I have met in bars or clubs and mostly through my friends. For eg, they will talk to him at the bar (they aren't single) and introduce him to me. It's all subtle but fun. Usually there are a gang of us (maybe 4/5 girls). One (usually the married ones as they have nothing to lose) will get talking to a guy and his mates will usually drift over too and hey presto. You might not always hook up with them but it's a good way of meeting people.

Another way is just being tactile. When you're squeezing into the bar or through a narrow space, put your hand on the person, not feeling them up, just maybe on their back or arm. You might not pull that person, they might not even notice. But I don't know, it just makes you more open or something.

Walking back from the bathrooms smile at people as you walk past. If someone holds open a door smile. When ordering a drink, smile, say thanks a million instead of just a quiet thanks. Be more approachable.

I am always being told I look very friendly. And therefore i get approached more as guys aren't afraid of me. They know I'll be nice and not cruel so the knock back won't be too bad.

When your friends come in to a pub, hug them but don't be all screaming and annoying if you know what I mean. Show that you are warm and loving without being over the top.

I hope I'm making sense. It's very difficult to put into words.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Again, I could have written your post. Totally the same. Shy as a teenager, did the whole Gaeltacht thing, God, I didn't even have a kiss til i was 16! (so unreg for this!!). Like I get all tongue tied (everyone says they get nervous around someone they like, but with me it's painful). Like, I got approached at a gig over the summer. I was stunned, he was lovely, I got tongue tied, the poor fella went off. I kick myself when I think of it now. but to be honest he did me one favour, he came up to me, I had hardly any make up on, he said a lovely thing to me. so, first off, I know it's time I had more confidence in myself, and 2. I need to improve on my social skills cos I can't let these opportunities slip by.

I was always shy, and lacked confidence. to be honest confidence/self-esteem worsened the older I got. Now in my very late 20s, and like you I'm starting to worry, and wonder what's wrong. Something that comes to easily and naturally to everyone else, is so alien to me. I now know all about confidence. I also understand you on spending time alone, or being lonely. most of my friends are attached now, and are really bad at meeting up, or heading out. they always want to take their men along,or go home early. so that' not helping.

How to immprove on that, well I don't really know. I suppose it's time to start pushing myself to think positive about myself. then that should radiate hopefully. and the advice on smiling sounds great to me! small steps, it's the only way!
when you do meet someone nice, it will be worth it!
I think it's all about practise. Hopefully you can start to go out more often, and do your best to practise!!!
Good luck!!

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for your responses, bang on for the most part. Thanks Ash for the practical advice!

I don’t think I'm approachable and I think this is a defence mechanism. In some screwed up part of my brain, being open and approachable equates to vulnerability...opening myself up to rejection or something. Ridiculous, as I have no experience, to my mind, of any horrible rejections...but I guess my confidence has taken a knock in recent years so I've been feeling vulnerable and not sure if I could handle this. Underestimating myself I guess...it's a part of life afterall.

It's also completely at odds with my personality, as when it comes to girls, close friends, family etc I am an open book, honest and chatty, and none of them would describe me as standoffish or anything.

I wouldn't classify myself as a tactile person either (except when drunk...!), I'm better than when I was younger and totally uncomfortable with being openly affectionate, but seriously, I am the worst flirt in the world...as in, wouldn't dare to touch a guy when I'm talking to him! So that's very telling...my body language must be atrocious!

Plus, if I'm honest, there's a bitter little part of me that wants to blame my environment, culture, surroundings...for this issue and it's only reinforced by my experiences abroad (most of the 'flngs' etc I've had have happened when I've lived elsewhere).

I know, that's a cop out, but years of singledom and sparse, if any, action puts your brain into overdrive. Especially when I know that I'm not exactly Godzilla and can scrub up well...just can't seem to do what seems to come naturally to everyone around me.

Anyway I'm not going to spend any more time intellectualising, as it doesn't really make a difference to my situation, I think the important thing for me now is taking action. Going out more, taking up people on their invites, and to quit shutting myself off. And maybe start smiling at people a bit more!

Thanks again for the advice

e04bf099

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

lame

Probably right, still a cnut though.

Wibbs

e04bf099 Banned for two days for personal abuse of other user. Time short as you're relatively new. Please read the charter of this forum on your return. Thanks

ash23

Hi OP, I really do think being tactile works wonders.
Think of the people you know who are tactile. Who think nothing of putting their hand on someones arm or shoulder, or on the small of someones back while asking them to move out of the way.
They look so much more at ease with themselves and more confident and comfortable.

Fake it till you make it. Just be more aware of your posture and the expression you are wearing.
Ive seen myself in some photos when I was unaware and I was slouching and not smiling and looked like a right misery guts even though I wasn't having a bad night.

kittenkiller

Hi OP,

I used to be the same as you until I discovered the demon drink.
It gave me endless confidence and the result was a huge boost to my practically non-existent love life.
No under no circumstances am I suggesting you start to worship at the font of vodka and cranberry, but it does go to show you that even if you fake confidence, it works!

I think you should drag your mate from Galway up to Dublin with you sometime and go speed-dating with the pure intention of making friends/acquaintances with some of the other people there.
Even if you don't meet the love of your life or even fancy anyone, at least you'll be out there in the same boat as everyone else and actually *talking* to men!

The more people you talk to with a smile on your face the more likely you are to be able to talk to someone you actually fancy.
If you happen to get chatting to another single lady who's up for a laugh there, all the better, now you have a pulling partner who lives in Dublin!

I also think that the American's have it nailed when it comes to dating, you can go out with as many people as you like to get to know them before committing to a relationship with them.
If someone asks you out, even for a quick drink for half an hour after work (there's no saying you don't have time for that), go for it!
Even if you decide never to see them again, at least you're out and feeling like a date-worthy woman.

Best of luck OP.

opinion guy

kittenkiller wrote: »

I also think that the American's have it nailed when it comes to dating, you can go out with as many people as you like to get to know them before committing to a relationship with them.

I couldn't disagree more. American dating, or sport-dating as i like to call it is just really what we call playing the field. All of this semi-formalised exclusive vs non-exclusive crap is just another way of saying - i like you for company, sex or whatever but thats not enough for me and i want to milk other people for sex/attention/things/whatever too.


I agree alcohol can be a confidence boost, but its really not something i would advise having done some things i later very much regretted whilst under the influence

kittenkiller

opinion guy wrote: »

I couldn't disagree more. American dating, or sport-dating as i like to call it is just really what we call playing the field. All of this semi-formalised exclusive vs non-exclusive crap is just another way of saying - i like you for company, sex or whatever but thats not enough for me and i want to milk other people for sex/attention/things/whatever too.

Or rather "I'm young, I enjoy your company, we're having fun in an atmosphere other than the pub and I think we could click but I'm not sure I don't want to meet other new people at this stage."
Irish people have a tendency to either jump into relationships or class each other as a F-buddy and write off having a relationship.

Dating can be daunting, and like with anything else, ,practice can help improve these things.
Practicing with people can only help boost the OP's self-esteem!If she starts going out with the first guy who bothers to speak to her, chances are she won't be happy within the relationship.

I agree alcohol can be a confidence boost, but its really not something i would advise having done some things i later very much regretted whilst under the influence

My point was that the pseudo confidence that alcohol brought me can be replicated without relying on booze, you just need the right mindset!
Confidence is key.

opinion guy

kittenkiller wrote: »

Irish people have a tendency to either jump into relationships or class each other as a F-buddy and write off having a relationship.

Well i also think the irish view on dating is incredibly messed up.

But then i did live in Germany for a while Germans are so straightforward its so much simpler:D

MD!

Hi OP, once again your story is the same as mine and there isn't one piece of advice anyone can give you that will magically make you feel better about your situation.i agree with most of the other posters re body language etc, you may look at people from afar but there could be plenty of people who are doing the exact same to you. you really never know who is looking at you in a pub/club. that doesnt mean you have to act fake and pretend like your having a fantastic time. its just about looking chatty and friendly and that your enjoying the company of your friends.

extrinzic

I have had four serious relationships in my life, and I can tell you the grass is always greener. I have spent years of my life being in relationships, and now I’m finding it hard to be single. I mean, it’s very different, and I don’t really have many hobbies n stuff, like going to the gym. I am struggling to be a more independent person, and would love to be as comfortable as u seem with your lifestyle.

Nevertheless, in the past you have giving signals that you were not interested in anything serious. Ok, now I appreciate, you want to change. First off, I think most people want to change. Everybody is changing, or intending to change all the time, so there is no reason why you should be any different. I guess, in the past you have been independent for many different reasons, and whilst you have recently become tired of your lifestyle, I assume at one time you were more or less happy to be single. I know you have said that you have always been shy, but my point is that in a way you have already changed by acknowledging the desire to approach and encourage other potential mates (with a possible view to something more) is worth the effort. You have already taken the first step.

I suspect when you do strike up a connection with something in the future, this will be expressed in your actions, the signals you give off. Do be bold in expressing your intentions, if you can find the courage. I get the impression you will. You sound really nice. I think you should be yourself at any rate.

LegacyUser

Thanks Extrenzic for the encouragement and bit of well needed perspective. Your post made me smile :-)

I find the entire situation very frustrating for obvious reasons - loneliness, isolation and all the rest, but also on another level.

In pretty much every other area of my life, I feel well-adjusted and emotionally clued into myself. I've had ups and downs as anyone else has and I'm at a point where I've come to really know and understand myself. But relationships...alien to me. I feel like an outsider and often wonder how the hell any couple comes together. It just doesn't happen with me, I'm just so used to being on my own. Have I missed out on a vital life skill i.e the ability to form a sexual, intimate relationship with the opposite sex? And why have I, in particular, been the one that's been left out? What's so wrong with me? That's sort of my thought process...

I know I'm only 24 and will change, eventually at least, because I'm not going to give myself any other choice, but I don't know where to start. I don't know how to NOT play games, but then I don't know how to play the RIGHT games, if that makes any sense??!
Basically, some of the things I do...actively ignoring someone when I like them, for example...it's rooted in adolescent shyness / lack of confidence / fear of rejection...and I don't know how to change this behaviour to something that shows a guy I am interested. Without coming across as desperate, which is something I can't even conceive of...there's a childish voice in my head telling me I'm 'fine on my own!' all the time!

Gah. I'm definitely over-thinking this. Maybe I should just head back to America Men were less of a mind boggle over there!!

LegacyUser

well dont feel alone when thinking about your situation.. many of us have the same problem,i think as you being a female , you should try to believe that you have the possibility to control any situation with a guy, i mean most of the time its a guy persueing a girl and the guy is the one feeling nervous and unconfident.and sometimes both are equally nervous and its upto whoever decides to take a bit of advantage and show a little more confidence...and im losing what im trying to say sorry.
but dont go back to american guys lol, my ex gf who was american said american guys will just sleep with anyone, and its hard to find one decent american guy who isnt in it just for sex or whatever.. but yea your probably overthinking it a little, but im highly guilty of the same thing and are in the exact situation your in.. i hate seeing guys with girls i just think why are they so lucky to get someone, im a perfectly nice guy and deserves someone like that but cant ever break the confidence barrier before me, anyways its somewhat hard to gibe any good advice about this situation your in other than too just kick yourself in the foot and try your best to show a bit of confidence and talk to some guys etc. good luck!

extrinzic

lovelesswithmen wrote: »

I'm definitely over-thinking this. Maybe I should just head back to America Men were less of a mind boggle over there!!

You cant know you are bad or good at something until you try, try and try again. As for America Men, I wouldn’t recommend that. You can’t evaluate somebody’s personality, never mind their intentions from a chat board. Wanting somebody is one thing, finding somebody worth your time is another thing entirely. Sure, you should give people a chance, and learn what you can from experience. Don’t settle for any crap though.

MD!

would internet datong be completely put of the question or is that just lame? i have mentioned it to a few friends and the idea has been completely shot down. however i see it as a way of friends that can lead to more friends or dates that can lead to other dates. from a quick overview of this topic and similiar ones like it, its weird is that so many people feel alienated, lonely and clueless while thinking that everyone else around us is completley sorted when it comes to sex/relationships.