Poem - As I Lay Down To Die

LegacyUser

I envy those that see sleep as the natural process,
At the end of each day they tire from the daily grind and go to bed,
With no fear of their head hitting the pillow whatsoever.
To be able to see sleep as a positive thing,
Something that you don't fear,
Your dreams can't get you,
To feel safe and warm wrapped up in blankets,
Thinking happy thoughts and memories that bring a smile to your face.
I yearn to fall into the land of nod without fear of my sub-concious,
It attacks me as I sleep,
My past, my future and everything in between.
As I sleep I can feel my body wring,
Forever wanting to escape from the prison that encloses me.
Every night I try, sometimes I fail,
Then it begins and I die a little more inside.
I wake and return to my waking state of apathy,
Never feeling a thing,
Sleep is my greatest enemy.






It's a bit all over the place, I wasn't really thinking structure as I wrote it though.

Any feed back from anyone would be appreciated.

Sarky

Bumping this one because I forgot to approve it before it slipped off the front page. Apologies, OP.

pickarooney

I think you wuld do well to revisit it the structure is a little erratic. It reads like a mixture of prose and poetry, which, unless it's a subtle metaphor for the prosaic nature of awakeness and the irrationality of the dream state, could do with a little streamlining.

The first two lines are typical of the somewhat disjointed nature of the piece.

I envy those that see sleep as the natural process,
At the end of each day they tire from the daily grind and go to bed,

Had the second line been reworked slightly along the lines of:

Who, at day's end, tired from the grind, go to bed

there would be more continuity. As it is, it's more like two discrete statements of fact.