Boyfriend has a child

enternamehere

Ok so here's my situation... I'm going out with a guy for the nearly a year now, he has a 3 year old daughter from a one night stand in college (he's 23). He see's her every week and is every inch the doting father (as much as he can be as a one-day-a-week dad). The thing is-I still haven't met her and it's beginning to get to me as his friends sometimes go with him to see her and partners of friends have also met her! I have brought up the subject with him a while ago but it didnt make a difference!! any advice??

magneticimpulse

is there a reason why you should meet her?? what difference can it really make to the relationship. i can understand you would want to meet the child. do you really want to meet his ex girlfriend and be friendly with her?

ash23

He sees her one day a week. You see him 6 days a week.
Leave him to it until he is ready to introduce you.
I have a daughter 7 days a week and would be very wary of introducing a partner to her. My friends all know her. Her meeting my friends isn't a big deal. Her meeting a partner is a huge deal.

Just my opinion.

MPB

as Ash says the chances are he's just weary about introducing you to her. Now in fairness you're seeing him for a year so he should feel a bit more stable but you have to remember that kids can get very attached to people. So lets say he does introduce you to the child's life and you and the child become really close. Suppose you and he split up down the road. Now the child has a bond with you. How does he tell the child "well actually you cant see x anymore". Thats where the problem is. I've seen it happen too many times. So I understand it from both your point of views but in this case the child has to come first.

minidazzler

OP, it's very understandable that he doesn't want you to meet her.

What if she forms an attachment to you? Then one day you are out of the picture? Upset child.

He's probably just waiting to know if what ye have will be a long term thing.

metrovelvet

enternamehere wrote: »

Ok so here's my situation... I'm going out with a guy for the nearly a year now, he has a 3 year old daughter from a one night stand in college (he's 23).

I am always bewildered why people reveal the context out of which the child was conceived,as if that has any bearings on our perceptions on what is good for the child.

enternamehere wrote: »

He see's her every week and is every inch the doting father (as much as he can be as a one-day-a-week dad). The thing is-I still haven't met her and it's beginning to get to me as his friends sometimes go with him to see her and partners of friends have also met her! I have brought up the subject with him a while ago but it didnt make a difference!! any advice??

There is very little risk of a friend dissappearing from his child's life. But there is with you. Also friends arent read as potential step mothers.

He is right to be cautious.

SarahSassy

When my OH was sure of our relationship and sure of me he introduced me to his kid....

Are you thinking that he doesnt see you as a long term partner/ sure of your relationship? Not trying to be mean but that is what I would be taking from it.

sam34

metrovelvet wrote: »

I am always bewildered why people reveal the context out of which the child was conceived,as if that has any bearings on our perceptions on what is good for the child

in this case, i think it is relevant info.

the child was conceived after a ONS in college. the guy was obviously young. Lots of guys would have washed their hands and walked away, yet this guy didnt, he has stsyed consistently involved with the child.... that tells us he is a good decent guy, who wants whats best for his child.

op, as others have said, i think he doesnt want to risk introducing you to the kid, in case ye form an attachment and then things go belly up and teh child ends up hurt.

metrovelvet

sam34 wrote: »

in this case, i think it is relevant info.

the child was conceived after a ONS in college. the guy was obviously young. Lots of guys would have washed their hands and walked away, yet this guy didnt, he has stsyed consistently involved with the child.... that tells us he is a good decent guy, who wants whats best for his child.
.

Young guys in college will walk away one night stand or not one night stand. Irrelevent. That he did not walk away,tells us that he is not a irresponsible peter pan.

sam34

metrovelvet wrote: »

Young guys in college will walk away one night stand or not one night stand. Irrelevent. That he did not walk away,tells us that he is not a irresponsible peter pan.

not necessarily - if in a relationship, guys may be more likely to stay around. not all guys certainly, but some.

staying around after a ONS when young is not something a lot of guys do, and it tells us a lot about him.

rathbaner

sam34 wrote: »

not necessarily - if in a relationship, guys may be more likely to stay around. not all guys certainly, but some.

staying around after a ONS when young is not something a lot of guys do, and it tells us a lot about him.

So Sam, you gonna fess up?

Seems to me he's not sure whether there is any point in introducing her to the kid. If he does it will mean a lot and the OP should know that anf behave accordingly.

CDfm

it could be entirely innocent on his part and you should ask him.

some access arrangements are tightly worded agreements and can specify times locations and carers.

in some cases the arrangements are nasty and petty but if you want to see the child you need to agree.

a nice way of doing it would be to suggest you do something with the child at christmas. then if there is an issue you can raise it.

sam34

rathbaner wrote: »

So Sam, you gonna fess up?

not sure what you mean?

CDfm

sam34 wrote: »

not sure what you mean?

i think there is gender confusion here;)

enternamehere

metrovelvet wrote: »

There is very little risk of a friend dissappearing from his child's life. But there is with you.

I just don't agree with that. we all know that some friendships don't last forever and I don't see the difference between a 'girl
who's a friend' meeting the child and a 'girlfriend'

SarahSassy wrote:

Are you thinking that he doesnt see you as a long term partner/ sure of your relationship? Not trying to be mean but that is what I would be taking from it.

I don't think thats the issue here. we're living together and we've talked about the whole future 'thing' and we're def in this for the long haul.:P

metrovelvet

enternamehere wrote: »

I just don't agree with that. we all know that some friendships don't last forever and I don't see the difference between a 'girl
who's a friend' meeting the child and a 'girlfriend'



I don't think thats the issue here. we're living together and we've talked about the whole future 'thing' and we're def in this for the long haul.:P

Its a different kettle of fish. But saying that, I do know that friendships can fall apart. In fact, I have made an agreement with a friend of mine, to whom my two year old has become very close that they will remain friends even if we don't.

If you are living together then I do think it is odd that you haven't met. Did you ask him?

CDfm

enternamehere wrote: »

I don't think thats the issue here. we're living together and we've talked about the whole future 'thing' and we're def in this for the long haul.:P

If you are together it can only be positive and for overnight access etc seems ideal.