This Girl is Killing My Mojo...

LegacyUser

Hey all, I'm going unreg for this one. So I'm a female in my early twenties and I have just moved to a foreign country. I have been here nearly two months and about a month ago I met another Irish girl and we immediately hit it off as friends.

This girl is the same age and situation as me and we have loads in common and get on very well. Since first meeting her I know that she gets a lot of male attention, she is of small build with flaming red hair. As this is a Mediterranean country this is quite a novelty for the guys here.

Now at first this didn't really bother me but lately when we go out guys just seem to completely ignore me and make a beeline for her, chatting and flirting with her like I'm a piece of furniture. I can say that I am not jealous of this as she is a nice girl and doesn't go out of her way to attract attention, but even when I am talking to a guy she will come over and start flirting with him and immediately it's like I'm no longer there.

This is to be honest, an entirely new experience for me. I am no model and have no grand opinions of myself but I do get quite a lot of attention back home, but I look like the natives here with dark hair and eyes, and this is starting to really get me down.

I know it's not her fault and I don't blame her but it's like she doesn't have enough with the guys coming on to her, that she must make moves on the ones talking to me. I am also starting to get the impression that she gets rather annoyed when guys are chatting me up and tends to make rather condescending pitying comments about me in a jokey way. This is starting to not only depress me but to get my back up a bit as well.

Sorry for the long post but this is getting me down quite a bit, I am even starting to subconsciously distance myself from her. Any advice will be appreciated.

Shelga

Might be easier said than done, but make other friends? When two girls rely on each other like that for nights out no good can come of it IMO! You need to look at broadening your social circle, as it sounds like a bit of space from this girl would do you both some good.

There really is no point in 'resenting' her for standing out from the crowd. There's nothing she can do about it, same as you. Also I highly doubt that the sole reason she gets more guys than you is purely down to looks. I've known really pretty girls who just don't come across that well in pub/club situations, and I've known average-looking girls who can have guys eating out of the palm of their hand. As soon as someone opens their mouth it stops being just about looks.

You are still settling into a new place, I'm sure this problem will sort itself out as you settle in and get to know more people. If there was a group of you this type of thing wouldn't be an issue. Also, socialising outside of just the club scene is important! Best of luck.

Eve_Dublin

You say you´re not jealous because she doesn´t go out of her way to get attention but then you go on to accuse her of muscling in on the guys are talking to. Which is it? Are you jealous or not?

Listen, be honest with yourself...if you´re jealous (which it sounds like to me...not an accusation...we all feel jealousy sometimes), then you need to identify it in yourself and be honest because jealousy in ANY relationship, platonic or not, will tear it apart. The fact of the matter is are you willing to destroy your friendship over something so silly? You have to step back and be rational about this....you say she isn´t looking for attention but then she flirts with guys you´re talking to....when you say flirt, is she just being her friendly self and the fact that she´s exotic looking to these guys will automatically draw the attention to her? Is it really her fault and do you think that perhaps your resentful feelings are showing outwardly? Do you tense up and start acting unlike yourself when she comes over and are these guys picking up on this?

But as the previous poster said, 2 girls going out "on the pull" is a disaster waiting to happen...if you´re friends, you´re probably quite alike and will go for the same guys and you´´re going to feel pangs of jealousy, that´s only natural but you don´t want to destroy your friendship and the bond you have over something like this. Good friends are a valuable thing, particularly when you´re just settling in a new country. As the other poster said above, you need to expand you´re friendship network and yeah, it´s easier said than done but it can be done. Look up expat websites and just stick up an ad looking to meet people and you go on kind of friendship "blind dates"....that´s what I did when I moved here to Madrid first when I knew nobody and now I´m slowly but surely building up a group of friends of expats and Spanish, male and female.

Latchy

As being said by others OP ,expand on you're friendships were your social like doesn't involve being with this girl all the time .If she puts any value on your friendship she will need to see that in some situations together you are not comfortable, If she's the attraction / flavour of the month to the local guys ,then let her be so on her time , not yours .

stripysocks85

Dye your hair flaming red also...............

On a serious note, I do think you are somewhat jealous of her. Unforunately, when we're out, we are judged by looks and appearance - for the first while, personality doesn't come into it.

I would say smile and look happy. It sounds like you probably look a bit disappointed/sour/unhappy when she 'muscles' in on your potential man and this can be offputting to guys.

You wrote some not so nice and contrasting statements:
"I can say that I am not jealous of this as she is a nice girl and doesn't go out of her way to attract attention"
"I know it's not her fault and I don't blame her but it's like she doesn't have enough with the guys coming on to her"
"I am also starting to get the impression that she gets rather annoyed when guys are chatting me up and tends to make rather condescending pitying comments about me in a jokey way"

I would also ask you to think: Which is more important, your new found friend or copping off with a randomer for the night?? If she's annoying you that much this early on maybe you need to expand your social circle and stop spending as much time with her. See how many guys you attract when you're with someone else.

All else failing, find an 'ugly' friend - then you should get all the attention! [This is a joke!]

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again. Thanks for all your comments. I know that I do sound like a jealous cow but honestly I can say that when she is talking/flirting with guys, this doesn't bother me in the slightest, it's more when she starts taking over the conversation that I'm having with someone that annoys me.

I think you are all on the ball suggesting getting more friends and I have joined a salsa class to this end.

I feel disappointed with myself for feeling this way as I am not usually this kind of person, being annoyed with girlfriends, but I probably explained badly to start.

The attention SHE gets isn't what annoys me, it's the way she speaks to me at time saying things like "You're pretty too..." Kind of like she's deigning to pity me, or insulting the guys that I have talked too basically saying they are sleazy/looking for something just because they are talking to me.

opinion guy

ok i'm going to risk being slightly controversial.

i acutally don't think you are being jealous. i think that whilst you are mabye coming to terms with less attention than usual, your friend is probably getting lots more attention than usual. after all redheads are not such a novelty in ireland. so suddenly she is probably getting lots of attention and loving it. so much so that she maybe getting carried away/overly inflated eog and is slightly rubning your nose in it. she's quite possibly making up for years of being treated as very ordinary - like perhaps you are experiencing now for the first time.

I'm wondering. have you talked to her about it ? i mean have you told her - look i really liked that guy why did you say x,y,z, or why did you flirt with him. Communicate!!!! thats what you girls are supposed to be good at isn't it? :P Maybe even work out a signal system with her to say - stay away from this one he's mine!!!

Eve_Dublin

opinion guy wrote: »

ok i'm going to risk being slightly controversial.

i acutally don't think you are being jealous. i think that whilst you are mabye coming to terms with less attention than usual, your friend is probably getting lots more attention than usual. after all redheads are not such a novelty in ireland. so suddenly she is probably getting lots of attention and loving it. so much so that she maybe getting carried away/overly inflated eog and is slightly rubning your nose in it. she's quite possibly making up for years of being treated as very ordinary - like perhaps you are experiencing now for the first time.

I'm wondering. have you talked to her about it ? i mean have you told her - look i really liked that guy why did you say x,y,z, or why did you flirt with him. Communicate!!!! thats what you girls are supposed to be good at isn't it? :P Maybe even work out a signal system with her to say - stay away from this one he's mine!!!

Hmmmm...ye could be right here Opinion Guy...another way of looking at it alright.

Talking about IS a good idea and it´s really the only way to clear the air among friends but try and keep it light-hearted and perhaps don´t go over what happened with other guys in the past. What´s done is done and it could be taken up the completely wrong way. NOt worth the risk. Just tell her you´ll give her a nod if ýou´re talking to a guy you´re interested in and could she keep her distance for a while BUT as I´ve found myself,
2 girls out on the pull doesn´t really work...one girl meets a guy she likes, other girl doesn´t so goes and talks to girl and guy oblivious to any attraction between the two.. A larger group is definitely needed.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for your opinions guys. Not trying to make myself feel better but I do think that opinion guy may have a point. She has commented several times that they seem to love her hair here, kinda sounding surprised, so maybe this is all a new thing for her. She does seem to revel in it anyway. Maybe I'm being unreasonable here but her comments at times have kinda stung, they're said in a very jokey, innocuous way but even though she's smiling as she says them, you know they are meant to insult.

Problem is, outside of the domain of guys and socialising we get on really well, but definitely I am going to try to widen my circle of friends and see how that goes. Even if we talk to guys, she seems to start competing with me for their attention or something, even if I'm not interested in them, it's baffling really.

Thanks again for your input guys.

frustration

frustration wrote: »

The attention SHE gets isn't what annoys me, it's the way she speaks to me at time saying things like "You're pretty too..." Kind of like she's deigning to pity me, or insulting the guys that I have talked too basically saying they are sleazy/looking for something just because they are talking to me.

Yep. The passive aggressive b*tch. I've had girl friends like this in the past. Happy as Larry until a guy showed me some attention. I had one particular friend who used to say guys only talked to me because I looked foreign (Mediterranean looks in Ireland) and therefore they could take advantage of me - as if all the Irish girls dolled up to the nines in tiny miniskirts looked like they were hard to get! :rolleyes: She always used to do the 'he's sleazy/desperate/just wants a shag' line if a guy talked to me, when he blatantly wasn't. It's so nasty and b*tchy, thinly veiled as 'concern for a friend'. I have no idea why but some girls can't stand to see their friends getting attention from men and will go out of their way to ruin it.

opinion guy

You know really thou this isn't just a girl thing. I've had male friends who were experts at picking up women who would almost as a rule would move in on the women those of us less fortunate were interested in.

Funny thing was the best way to deal with it was to slag them off about it. Forced them to selfreflect. I honeslty think people like this, and like your firne don't really know they are doing it. its mostly subconscious i'll bet. the other thing is karma is a bitch. evnetually, what goes around, comes around

MissHoneyBun

You're p1ssed off because some other girl gets more attention from guys than you? Who are you, Paris Hilton? Do you expect people to lock themselves away just to accommoate your insecurities? Cop yourself on and realise that life doesn't work on a 50-50 basis. There are ALWAYS going to be people out there with bigger, better, more whatever.... Grow up and be happy with your lot instead of whinging over trivial rubbish.

beks101

opinion guy wrote: »

your friend is probably getting lots more attention than usual. after all redheads are not such a novelty in ireland. so suddenly she is probably getting lots of attention and loving it. so much so that she maybe getting carried away/overly inflated eog and is slightly rubning your nose in it. she's quite possibly making up for years of being treated as very ordinary - like perhaps you are experiencing now for the first time.

Totally agree with this.

I don't know where you are OP, but I know this is the way it is in most of the Meditterranean countries. I lived in Spain for a while and my fair, pale friends used to get absolutely lavished with attention from men. One of my girl friends used to get followed down the street! She's a pretty girl, but no prettier than the rest of us in my opinion, just the whitest! Whereas people used to think I was a local because I'm quite sallow.

So at the moment your friend is obviously thriving on this new attention and being a bit tactless about it. I would say the put-downs are probably rooted in her own insecurities, not that that excuses them.

It's a fickle thing but I can see how it could cause problems for your friendship if you don't broaden your social circle and rely less on each other at social events.

magneticimpulse

i have to agree with the red hair thing. when i lived in ireland i longed for tall dark hansome men. now after living in france and seeing millions of dark hair, dark eyes men..the minute i spot anything like a red hair guy im drooling. the more pale, irish, freckle, red hair blue eyes the better!!! never happened before and people make a joke about it back home, but trust me, being away id have a red head anyday over dark hair.

red hair people get a bad time back home, so i figure she is enjoying it. definitely go out with bigger number people. i would never go out with just 1 single female friend, it never works

00112984

So what you're saying is that you only want to be with people who aren't seen as more attractive than you?

Sounds like sheer jealousy to me, OP.

If your idea of being in another country and experiencing the culture there means getting men hanging off you, maybe you have to reconsider your motivation.

Stones85

Dye your hair