So when does a break fix something that broken?

LegacyUser

Hello

So my boyfriend and I are on a break. A break - the thing that I used to mockingly think was just an excuse of avoiding the inevitable cut and burn. and now, here I am in the middle of one!

It started (in my head) this summer. I went from being totally sure that being with him was right and felt right in my heart...to suddenly being a little unsure, a little uneasy... And no, I didnt tell him.
In reality, I think it started when he lost interest in sex.. Sex, isnt just sex. It's intimacy. Its that time and that moment that lets you get as close to your partner as possible emotionally and physically.

Not a major issue(I thought), we're both really busy.
But when you get to that point that you both have that one weekend when there is nowhere you both need to be, theres nothing like cuddling up and enjoying lazy sex on a Saturday morning. But that was gone...replaced with him looking at his watch and telling me he could feel a headache coming on.. I dont think I ever realised how important physical intimacy was to our relationship and to me until it was gone.
I find it hard to open up to anyone until I trust them and I trusted him, but when theres no physical intimacy, I start to doubt how he feels...and then I'm back to shutting him out, shutting down when there's a problem.

To be honest, I was so surprised myself by my change of heart during the summer and my doubts that I waited it out.. And sure enough - within 6 weeks those feelings had passed and I was back to loving him and knowing that I wanted to be with him, and basically, being sure..again.

Still, the romantic side of things hadnt much improved. We get on great, love cuddling up together watching tv, talking, going out, but it had got to the point that I was afraid to even introduce the idea of sex. Even a mere kiss at bedtime had him pulling away in case I wanted more.There is nothing more gutting than feeling that someone is going through the motions just to keep you happy.

So finally, just over a week ago, we broached the subject of why were we constantly butting heads romantically, when everything else seems to be okay.

He immediately admitted that he too had doubts and couldnt quite figure out where they were coming from. I was relieved to hear that.

But did I come clean and tell him that I felt completely unwanted by him these days? Of course not! That would have been the obvious, sensible thing to do, but I didnt...I knew that I needed a break too, to get my head straight. So we both decided to take a break. But bloody hell, I miss him. I would be the more independent person in the relationship but I find myself yearning for him.

Which leads me to the question - do I miss him because I love him? do I miss him because I need him, or how do I even know the difference?
He has doubts, has pulled away and now may well decide that this isnt going to work?

And why the hell even at this age am I unable to talk it out with him? (yeah..I dont expect an answer to that one ;-))

Anyway...being practical and knowing that most people will tell me to get my head out of my ar*e..I'm trying to figure out what my options are:

1. continue with this 'break'. While it was needed, prolonging it now to see if thing re-ignite between us (his words) seems a little pointless.

2. Lay my cards on the table. Tell him I still love him but I can't cope with the lack of intimacy. (and be a grown up and accept the pain if he decides that its not for him.)

3. Allow this break to continue until he calls a halt or has had enough time to think things through.

So there you have it. Advice...mainly how to get over this complete inability to tell him how I feel (I actually considered writing him an email!!...thats how bad I am at the face-to-face-stuff )...would be appreciated.

Oh yeah, and before you ask...we're in our thirties and I should be better at this stuff than I am :-)

Wibbs

If I may ask and maybe I missed it? How long are you together?

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

If I may ask and maybe I missed it? How long are you together?

We're together over three years.

LegacyUser

Well I've been in the exact same place myself.

I was in a serious relationship, year and a half both in our 30's and the same thing happened. He lost total interest in sex. And he made every excuse in the book. This coming from a guy that stayed in bed with me a full 24 hours when we first met!

I approached it softly at the start and then hit it head on. He put it off and said we would sort it out on holidays. Sure he couldn't even get an erection. He said he didnt find me attractive enough which really cut to the core and tbh a year on I still find it hard to deal with.

So here's the thing.... can you find out if he has had this problem with any other ex's? In my case he had this problem twice before (took me a long time to drag that out of him), and he said he can't get his head around doing the 'kinky stuff' with someone he loved. I assume by kinky stuff he meant making love as there wasn't that much kinky stuff going on other then what happens in normal relationships. He is in another realtionship now and sleeping with her so I assume he finds her attractive enough!!!

Anyway - see if it happened before, see if he will get help, ask if he thinks if it can be sorted? IF not then I would seriously question staying with him. I mean really - intimacy is key to a realtionship isn's it? I know that i defineatly need to feel a connection to the person through sex...otherwise to me it is just a very close friend.

Anyway my heart goes out to you and i hope that you can get it sorted. All the best.

CDfm

OP - guys are sensitive creatures.

But what luucylu says is right he should get himself down to the GP etc.

There can be lots of reasons including fear of pregnancy and work stress etc as well as physical issues.

It is very silly but us guys would prefer to go to the dentist and have teeth drilled without anaesthetic than go to the doctor about our most precious possession.

I have a friend who was on painkillers for a shoulder injury and because he didnt tell his doc the real symtoms had a battery of tests. Now, at the hospital the radiographer asked him about any recent injuries etc and he yapped away. Now if he had read the leaflet with his painkillers he would have known the side effects.He thought he had bowel and prostate cancer. He had side effects of painkillers !

LegacyUser

luucylu wrote: »

Well I've been in the exact same place myself.

I was in a serious relationship, year and a half both in our 30's and the same thing happened. He lost total interest in sex. And he made every excuse in the book. This coming from a guy that stayed in bed with me a full 24 hours when we first met!

I approached it softly at the start and then hit it head on. He put it off and said we would sort it out on holidays. Sure he couldn't even get an erection. He said he didnt find me attractive enough which really cut to the core and tbh a year on I still find it hard to deal with.

So here's the thing.... can you find out if he has had this problem with any other ex's? In my case he had this problem twice before (took me a long time to drag that out of him), and he said he can't get his head around doing the 'kinky stuff' with someone he loved. I assume by kinky stuff he meant making love as there wasn't that much kinky stuff going on other then what happens in normal relationships. He is in another realtionship now and sleeping with her so I assume he finds her attractive enough!!!

Anyway - see if it happened before, see if he will get help, ask if he thinks if it can be sorted? IF not then I would seriously question staying with him. I mean really - intimacy is key to a realtionship isn's it? I know that i defineatly need to feel a connection to the person through sex...otherwise to me it is just a very close friend.

Anyway my heart goes out to you and i hope that you can get it sorted. All the best.

Thanks luucylu

I tried the softly softly approach when it first started happening...but didnt get anywhere.
TBH, the guy you love giving you the cold shoulder once every so often when it comes to making love is okay...but every time?


As you said above - even up until about a year/9 months ago we would have been the kind of couple to spend 24 hours in bed at the weekend, but thats completely gone now. I suppose the idea of hearing that he just isnt attracted to me anymore is hard to take. I love him, but really don't know if he loves me still.

This break that we're on can't go on indefinitely so I guess I'll just have to face it head on sooner rather than later. He's the kind of guy that will go on the defensive as soon as I ask, so I think I'm doomed either way. If he says he wants us to give it another go, then I can't do that until we talk about why he isnt into me anymore..which will only lead to him getting defensive and one or the other of us walking away.

Anyway - will see. Giving it another week so that I am sure and really sure that getting back together is what I want. At that stage I'll have to hope that he too, wants to get back together...however, I just have a niggling feeling that he's not going to feel the same way...