Confrontational? Right way or the wrong way?

shabaz

My mam has recently died and it was quite suddenly in the end and so I know I am dealing with that grief, even tho i think ive been handling it well...I know maybe I actually have'nt as it still hasnt sucken in yet.

But my problem is my Dad, we clash all the time, and when Mam died, I said to myself I wouldnt fight with him anymore cos live is too short and all that, but were not talking again over something he said to me that I found to be upsetting....he falls out with other members of the family, some more than others but the others just put up with it and say "thats the way he is" where as I feel like I have to put it to him if he upsets me. To which he always says "your too sensitive" and wont take on board my feelings....

My sister said she would speak to him and when she did, told him he upset me by what he said to me, he turned it round on himself saying how upset he was that I was bringing this up now at this time and said the same thing again "shes too sensitive". Now as a (human being) if someone said to me that I have upset them, id take it on board...so why cant he??

My brothers said I should arrange to see him and tell him how all my life with these arguments, I feel alot of hurt and anger because of the way he goes on, but at this stage my sisters are saying to leave it.

I know we are all grieving and I dont want to be bringing anymore hurt to us but this has gone on for years and I want him to awknowledge my feelings??

What I want to ask, is should I learn to not get upset when someone upsets me or says the something hurtful or should I do what I always do and confront them?? Im finding my way of doing things seems to get me fighting with everyone...

But I cant help it as I feel I have to stick up for myself??

What do you think?

Xterminator

I would wonder why you haven't developed a thicker skin?

Im not condoning bad behaviour, which your father may have said/done, but just would query why it upsets you so much? i note that you havent detailed there comments, so ts hard to tell if you are being oversensitive or they really were bang out of order.

i understand if they are personal, you may not want to go into detail, but its hard to form an opinion with only a vague description.

Also i would recommend you deal with such situations differently, by tackling and comments head on immediately with your father, rather than getting upset, then not talking etc.

IMO it would be more productive to challenge any statements immediately, in a direct and firm manner, but not agressively. " i think thats a dreadful thing to say, and it makes me feel bad" etc.

shabaz

Thank you for your replie to me, because I really need and want to get outsiders opinion as I think my family (siblings) are getting sick of listening to my upsets.

Ok, what was said was a telling off really for me forgetting to do something for him, but it was the way he does it, like goes on and on and on and then said something upsetting like a put down, that is why I was upset. He can be very rude and narky and I get really annoyed with him when he treats us that way, like I cant let it go if he is rude so I say something but then I am told that i am too sensitive and this upsets me more because its like, not dealing with the issue and turning it back on to me this is why I get so upset.

I hope you can understand that, maybe I am childish or I dont know. I decided that my dad will never change and unfortunatley I will have to try and learn when he is rude that, that is the way he is and just try not get upset by it. It will be hard for me but for an easier life ill have to learn.

InReality

one thing worth keeping in mind is that many people have problems with their families / parents etc.

So don't be thinking your alone in having a difficult relationship with your dad , its much more common than people realise.

Warfi

shabaz wrote: »

My mam has recently died and it was quite suddenly in the end and so I know I am dealing with that grief, even tho i think ive been handling it well...I know maybe I actually have'nt as it still hasnt sucken in yet.

But my problem is my Dad, we clash all the time, and when Mam died, I said to myself I wouldnt fight with him anymore cos live is too short and all that, but were not talking again over something he said to me that I found to be upsetting....he falls out with other members of the family, some more than others but the others just put up with it and say "thats the way he is" where as I feel like I have to put it to him if he upsets me. To which he always says "your too sensitive" and wont take on board my feelings....

My sister said she would speak to him and when she did, told him he upset me by what he said to me, he turned it round on himself saying how upset he was that I was bringing this up now at this time and said the same thing again "shes too sensitive". Now as a (human being) if someone said to me that I have upset them, id take it on board...so why cant he??

My brothers said I should arrange to see him and tell him how all my life with these arguments, I feel alot of hurt and anger because of the way he goes on, but at this stage my sisters are saying to leave it.

I know we are all grieving and I dont want to be bringing anymore hurt to us but this has gone on for years and I want him to awknowledge my feelings??

What I want to ask, is should I learn to not get upset when someone upsets me or says the something hurtful or should I do what I always do and confront them?? Im finding my way of doing things seems to get me fighting with everyone...

But I cant help it as I feel I have to stick up for myself??

What do you think?

On top of grieving for your mother, you're not getting on with your father which can't be making grieving any easier for you or him. I'd imagine things have come to a head now because your mother probably acted as an unofficial referee between the two of you when she was alive.

For your own sake, and your father's, you're going to have to find some common ground. You need your energy for other things at the moment, so choose your battles wisely. You have a fixation at the moment that your father is always running you down no matter what you say. Instead of thinking like this, just take each thing he says as it comes and deal with it there and then. Don't let the baggage of what he may or may not have said in the past bring you down.

Finally, as I said before, it's not easy at the moment for either of you. You've lost your mother, and your father has lost his partner and the mother of his children. It's very likely that your father is worried about caring for the family himself without your mother's help. Cut him some slack, see if there's anything you can do for him. He might snap the first few times (because he's grieving), but if he sees that you're genuinely there to help, things will start to come around.

Good luck, and don't forget your own needs either.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, you haven't specifically stated which gender you are but reading between the lines I'd say you are female and you are probably somewhat sensitive. Even without the situation of dealing with grief, there is a gulf between male and female sensitivities also. I think you'll have to develop a thicker skin - you cannot change him, you can only change yourself.

WesternNight

Xterminator wrote: »

I would wonder why you haven't developed a thicker skin?

Probably because that's not easy to do when it's coming from a parent. Parents are supposed to be your safe place, they're not supposed to demean or to humiliate or to insult. If it was strangers on the street it would be much easier to develop a thicker skin...less so in this case.

Xterminator

WesternNight wrote: »

Probably because that's not easy to do when it's coming from a parent. Parents are supposed to be your safe place, they're not supposed to demean or to humiliate or to insult. If it was strangers on the street it would be much easier to develop a thicker skin...less so in this case.

Perhaps you should read my whole post in context.

i explained that its hard to gauge the actual type of behaviour on the limited information provided.

perhaps you are projecting you own insecurities and experiences onto the OP's situation and viewing it accordingly.

To address your specific point, parents are supposed to parent, ie teach their children. now an unfortunate part of this is pointing out their flaws, and bad behaviour in order to help them correct it. This can be a source of clonflict, and present boundary issues.

Of course it is possible that a parent may act with less than good motives, or that their motives may be good but their approach heavy-handed. This is complicated by the fact that what is the right approach in one case, to one child might have the opposite effect in another situation, with another child.

In addition the fact both the OP and the father are greaving will make the situation more sensitive.

I would reccomed the OP be more assertive, but in a positive manner, addressing the situation when it arises in a mature fashion. Going into a 'huff' and not speaking to the remaining parent would not strike me as a good method of addressing the current situation. In addition the father may construe it as a sign of immaturity.

WesternNight

Xterminator wrote: »

perhaps you are projecting you own insecurities and experiences onto the OP's situation and viewing it accordingly.

And perhaps I was simply responding to a very unhelpful questioning of why the OP hasn't developed a thicker skin.