Not in love with him but happy.

Hairspray

Heya guys i need some advice on my current situation.

Basically i'm with this wonderful amazing guy for the past 5 months. We have soo much fun together and he makes me happy.He is crazy about me thinks i'm the best thing since sliced bread.He told me he loves me to bits , i on the other hand can say that i don't feel as strongly as he does.I haven't told him that i don't feel the same way about him.I'm starting to feel a bit guilty.
Or maybe its the fact that he is a bit too nice, i have the nicest guy ever but i a part of me probably wishes he was more closed off, less nice, less available.

So even though i dont feel as strongly for him as he does me, but he makes me happy and i make him happy, should i end it or keep it going?

Terodil

Well, you are saying you are not in love with him.

I think he deserves somebody who is.
You deserve somebody you love.

My advice: don't settle.

LegacyUser

You've said you dont feel as strongly as him, but do you love him at all? You call him "wonderful & amazing" and he makes you happy so that sounds like you do have feelings for him.

However if you dont love him & can't see it developing, then it wouldn't be fair on him to continue.

Loopsie

hairspray,
i was seeing a guy for a few months who i knew was far more into me than i was him. I liked being with him, but like wasnt enough for me so i called it a day and sure it was really hard and sometimes i wonder did i make a mistake but i think if i had stayed with him i would have eventually ended up resenting the poor guy even though it wasnt his fault
You dont love him. My advice - you both deserve more

kenbrady

Loopsie wrote: »

hairspray,
i was seeing a guy for a few months who i knew was far more into me than i was him. I liked being with him, but like wasnt enough for me so i called it a day and sure it was really hard and sometimes i wonder did i make a mistake but i think if i had stayed with him i would have eventually ended up resenting the poor guy even though it wasnt his fault
You dont love him. My advice - you both deserve more

Plus OP a lot of the times these guys are just needy and want someone to love. He'll probably bounce back quicker than you and find someone new who he loves just as much.

Emme

kenbrady wrote: »

Plus OP a lot of the times these guys are just needy and want someone to love. He'll probably bounce back quicker than you and find someone new who he loves just as much.

...and who loves him.

ash23

See, it's all fine now because its still new and you're enjoying being spoiled and treated well and having an ego boost that he is so mad about you. It's nice and it's giving you a warm fuzzy glow.
But as time wears on and that warm fuzzy glow wears off, you and he will end up in a bad place.
He will annoy you, you'll feel smothered by his attention. You will go off sex with him and find yourself getting irritated by him.

He will be the loyal puppy he always was. But he'll be hurt and confused as to what he has done wrong and he may well end up resenting the way you treat him.

Ultimately, over time, it will fall assunder.
If you know you don't love him and will never love him then break up with him for both your sakes.
You both deserve better than that.

Beetlebum

ash23 wrote: »

See, it's all fine now because its still new and you're enjoying being spoiled and treated well and having an ego boost that he is so mad about you. It's nice and it's giving you a warm fuzzy glow.
But as time wears on and that warm fuzzy glow wears off, you and he will end up in a bad place.
He will annoy you, you'll feel smothered by his attention. You will go off sex with him and find yourself getting irritated by him.

He will be the loyal puppy he always was. But he'll be hurt and confused as to what he has done wrong and he may well end up resenting the way you treat him.

Ultimately, over time, it will fall assunder.
If you know you don't love him and will never love him then break up with him for both your sakes.
You both deserve better than that.

This is one of the most spot on replies I'v ever read on here going by my past experience. It's word for word what happened to me.

I was in the same boat as you, he was wild about me and I liked the attention and niceness for the first few months but then I realised how unfair I was being to both of us.

At first he spolied me, took me to lovely restaurants, told me he thought I was beautiful and while I was flattered, i didn't feel nearly as strongly about him. I liked him a whole lot but as Ash said soon I began to feel smothered by him. I started to resent his niceness and longed for him to stop taking my sh*t and be more manly. I found the idea of sex with him quite repulsive and was actually very mean to him. I insulted his clothes, told him he was the most annoying person I'd ever known and a whole other barrage of abuse I won'r get into.

I was a complete bb*tch to him. When I am in love, I am never a b*tch like that. I was losing who I was and so was he. I ended it after 7 months and he got very upset. I was fine.

All round it's not nice.

I would advise ending it.

opinion guy

Hairspray wrote: »

Or maybe its the fact that he is a bit too nice, i have the nicest guy ever but i a part of me probably wishes he was more closed off, less nice, less available.

See for the most part I was agreeing with what others have said.

BUT then I read that sentence I've quoted and it speaks volumes to me. I think - your kind of not grown up enough for a decent guy. You probably need a bit more reality. A few more years of dating bastards, sh1t going wrong, guys not being there you when you need them before you'll actually appreciate a nice guy who treats you right. I mean you've basically said it yourself - he's wonderful and amazing, but now that you've had your fill of that you really would like more of a bastard.

Beetlebum wrote: »

At first he spolied me, took me to lovely restaurants, told me he thought I was beautiful and while I was flattered, i didn't feel nearly as strongly about him. I liked him a whole lot but as Ash said soon I began to feel smothered by him. I started to resent his niceness and longed for him to stop taking my sh*t and be more manly. I found the idea of sex with him quite repulsive and was actually very mean to him. I insulted his clothes, told him he was the most annoying person I'd ever known and a whole other barrage of abuse I won'r get into.

I was a complete bb*tch to him. When I am in love, I am never a b*tch like that. I was losing who I was and so was he. I ended it after 7 months and he got very upset. I was fine.

All round it's not nice.

I would advise ending it.

See beetelbum is probably right. dump him now or you'll end up being a bitch to him to try and turn him into more of the bastard you want him to be. That or grow up and appreciate him for the 'wonderful amazing guy' he is. Up to you.

ash23

opinion guy wrote: »

BUT then I read that sentence I've quoted and it speaks volumes to me. I think - your kind of not grown up enough for a decent guy. You probably need a bit more reality. A few more years of dating bastards, sh1t going wrong, guys not being there you when you need them before you'll actually appreciate a nice guy who treats you right. I mean you've basically said it yourself - he's wonderful and amazing, but now that you've had your fill of that you really would like more of a bastard.

I don't think thats fair. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with a doormat, with someone who lets you do what you want and never sets any boundaries as to what is acceptable. These kind of people basically say "treat me how you want, do what you like to me, hurt me, abuse me and use me and I'll still love you". It leaves you with no respect for that person and no consequences. You know that you could kill their dog, sleep with their father, sleep with their mother, steal all their money and they'd probably just say "i'm hurt but I forgive you. C'mere and gimme a hug". Ugh.

Relationships are about mutual respect. Part of that is a little bit of fear. Of knowing that if you mess up the other person will be gone because they respect themselves enough to walk. That they know they are worth more than shoddy treatment.

If you don't think you're worthy of the other person then they won't think so either.

Beetlebum

With me, he was just so nice and attentive and caring. These are wonderful traits in a man and having been with a few bast*rds in my time, I know the good guys are the ones to go for but..

If a guy is too nice, you lose respect for him. I was looking for a guy with a strong sense of himself who would treat me as well as I treated him but who wouldn't take any sh*t from me. My nice guy took it all and I pushed him (as Opinion Guy said) to try and get him to step up to me. He never did. Effectively i was trying to change him and that doesn't work.

Let him go OP so he can find a girl who is his kind.

kenbrady

opinion guy wrote: »

S
BUT then I read that sentence I've quoted and it speaks volumes to me. I think - your kind of not grown up enough for a decent guy. You probably need a bit more reality. A few more years of dating bastards, sh1t going wrong, guys not being there you when you need them before you'll actually appreciate a nice guy who treats you right. I mean you've basically said it yourself - he's wonderful and amazing, but now that you've had your fill of that you really would like more of a bastard.

You can be a nice guy, but still not hang on a womans every word and do everything she says. It's not about treating her like crap.

It's about putting yourself first some of the time and placing as much value on your wants and needs as hers.

If you don't respect yourself and constantly fawn all over your girl friend not matter what she does, she will loose respect for you as what happened in Bettlebums case. It shows that you don't think your worthy of the woman and have to be extra nice to her no matter what she does, so she will stay with you.

opinion guy

ash23 wrote: »

I don't think thats fair. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with a doormat, with someone who lets you do what you want and never sets any boundaries as to what is acceptable. These kind of people basically say "treat me how you want, do what you like to me, hurt me, abuse me and use me and I'll still love you". It leaves you with no respect for that person and no consequences. You know that you could kill their dog, sleep with their father, sleep with their mother, steal all their money and they'd probably just say "i'm hurt but I forgive you. C'mere and gimme a hug". Ugh.

Relationships are about mutual respect. Part of that is a little bit of fear. Of knowing that if you mess up the other person will be gone because they respect themselves enough to walk. That they know they are worth more than shoddy treatment.

If you don't think you're worthy of the other person then they won't think so either.

Ash23 - yes I admit my response was somewhat harsh, but as usual I have my reasons (don't u know this by now :P)


See what you said there ash23 & others. You've all assumed that her OH is some sort of push over girly man who fawns all over her every move. The OP did not say that. Its an interpretation you've all chosen to cast upon him post based upon personal experiences no doubt. Read her post again:

Heya guys i need some advice on my current situation.

Basically i'm with this wonderful amazing guy for the past 5 months. We have soo much fun together and he makes me happy.He is crazy about me thinks i'm the best thing since sliced bread.He told me he loves me to bits , i on the other hand can say that i don't feel as strongly as he does.I haven't told him that i don't feel the same way about him.I'm starting to feel a bit guilty.
Or maybe its the fact that he is a bit too nice, i have the nicest guy ever but i a part of me probably wishes he was more closed off, less nice, less available.

So even though i dont feel as strongly for him as he does me, but he makes me happy and i make him happy, should i end it or keep it going?

The OP hasn't said he's a pushover or anything. She has only said "he is a bit too nice" - which could mean anything. For all we know, if she said this too him he might just drop her like a hot snot. From what the OP tells us they have what her OH thinks is a good relationship. Shes not told him she doesn't feel as strongly.

So IMHO you've all been unduly harsh on this poor guy by making assumptions that he is the one at fault here, so my post was as much an attempt to give an alternative viewpoint as anything just to balance things up. Perhaps the Op can tell us more and it will become clearer what the situation actually is.

ash23

Ah but my interpretation is as follows

Basically i'm with this wonderful amazing guy for the past 5 months. We have soo much fun together and he makes me happy.He is crazy about me thinks i'm the best thing since sliced bread.He told me he loves me to bits , i on the other hand can say that i don't feel as strongly as he does.I haven't told him that i don't feel the same way about him.I'm starting to feel a bit guilty.
Or maybe its the fact that he is a bit too nice, i have the nicest guy ever but i a part of me probably wishes he was more closed off, less nice, less available.

They've been together only 5 months and the "niceness" is getting to her? He has said he is crazy about her and no doubt shown her this. For the love of god, he's told her he's madly in love with her. After 5 months!!! Even though she doesn't feel the same?
This to me reads needy. Very very needy. Probably very very nice. But after 5 months if a girl is wishing he was a bit less available (reads to me that he runs when called), a bit more closed off (reads to me that he's an open book....all the I love yous, I'm mad about you etc, probably a bit too much really) and a bit less nice? Seriously?
You're reading from those remarks that she wants a baxtard? She has said she loves the way he treats her well. She isn't looking to be treated badly. Just that "nice" gets dull and sickly sweet and it's a lot of pressure to be up on that pedestal as Miss Perfect. You get sick of it and start acting out, just to liven things up a bit!

opinion guy

yes ash i know that is interpretation - that was my point!!!

I gave a different interpretation. Fact is we both could be wrong.
i don't think 5 months is too soon to say i love you. and maybe he said it just once when he was drunk - do we know ? No.

Another interpretation I could take is that the OP has been leading the guy on.
Yet another is that she is a bad communicator and that maybe she shoudl be telling him about her doubts and giving him a chance to react. From the sounds of it she has given him no clue that not everything is rosy in paradise

All may well be wrong

But the point I'm making to you is - we really don't know very much here. I jsut think its a bit out of place to be putting it all on the boyfriend based on our interpretations as opposed to what the OP actually tells us.

I'd also think we've all missed this

So even though i dont feel as strongly for him as he does me, but he makes me happy and i make him happy, should i end it or keep it going?"

He makes her happy. Yet all of you told her to dump him (i said it too but with a qualifier and meant quite facetiously thou i admit that may not have transmitted in my post). So say she dumps him - are we all going to be reading in 5 years time - hi i'm hairspray and 5 years ago I dumped an amazing guy and everyone since has been a loser and now i realise what a mistake i made - you see this all the time on here.

I just think before we all go condemning their relatiosnhip we shoudl at least examine the possiblity that it might be the op's problem and not the guys. after all the OP can speak for herself in response - he can't/

castle

I think you as a couple seem to be doing better than most couples who are together.
Now there are many versions of love,people who think they are in love and are not and people who say they are not in love but are(maybe you) how can one tell.
Now if you look forward to seeing him and wake up in the morning and say I am really lucky to have him in my life then you are doing well.
Some people take years to fall in love with their partner maybe you are one of them,this does not make you a bad person.
The only thing I would say if you really believe that you will not end up been married to him etc then tell him this, even if this was the case he might be happy with this. But if you are waiting for something better to come along then you know what to do.
Have you ever been in love ?
You say he is to available, well here is something you can do to test yourself,
Distance makes the heart grow stronger, say you where to go away somewhere for a week or two or say you are sick and can't see him for a week or so, You will soon find out how you really feel for him.
Best of luck and don't beat yourself up well not just yet anyway

opinion guy

Beetlebum wrote: »

With me, he was just so nice and attentive and caring. These are wonderful traits in a man and having been with a few bast*rds in my time, I know the good guys are the ones to go for but..

If a guy is too nice, you lose respect for him. I was looking for a guy with a strong sense of himself who would treat me as well as I treated him but who wouldn't take any sh*t from me. My nice guy took it all and I pushed him (as Opinion Guy said) to try and get him to step up to me. He never did. Effectively i was trying to change him and that doesn't work.

Let him go OP so he can find a girl who is his kind.

Beetlebum I admire your honesty and agree you were trying to change him. Purely out of morbid curiousty, was it long ago and have things that have happened since changed your view of that guy in retrospect?

daisybelle2008

kenbrady wrote: »

Plus OP a lot of the times these guys are just needy and want someone to love. He'll probably bounce back quicker than you and find someone new who he loves just as much.

This is true, a lot of these needy, clingy types just want a body to fill their void and it really is not about the person the fixate on. If they had a real sense of themselves and their worth they would not be with someone who did not love them - they just wouldn't.

kenbrady

opinion guy wrote: »

I think - your kind of not grown up enough for a decent guy. You probably need a bit more reality. A few more years of dating bastards, sh1t going wrong, guys not being there you when you need them before you'll actually appreciate a nice guy who treats you right.

opinion guy wrote: »

So say she dumps him - are we all going to be reading in 5 years time - hi i'm hairspray and 5 years ago I dumped an amazing guy and everyone since has been a loser and now i realise what a mistake i made

opinion guy wrote: »

Purely out of morbid curiousty, was it long ago and have things that have happened since changed your view of that guy in retrospect?

Are you sure it's morbid curiosity ?
Seems to me like you had a experience like the OP, where you were the boyfriend.
And you are still hung up on the girl, hoping she has changed her mind, now misses you and you're looking for Bettlebums opinion to give you hope.

magneticimpulse

i wouldnt rush into making a choice just yet. its only been 5 months. i wouldnt complain either. this sounds like a great relationship and i would enjoy it. if you really dont love them maybe end it?? but do you know what love is to you?? you are prob more used to ups and downs, fights, negative things, rollarcoasters and this all seems too perfect. i know thats what happened to me and i started to be negative. i should have just enjoyed the niceness when it lasted!! my advice, enjoy it. you like his company, you get on. you dont have to get married or be so serious just yet and maybe by then you will grow to love him;o)

e04bf099

ash23 wrote: »

See, it's all fine now because its still new and you're enjoying being spoiled and treated well and having an ego boost that he is so mad about you. It's nice and it's giving you a warm fuzzy glow.
But as time wears on and that warm fuzzy glow wears off, you and he will end up in a bad place.
He will annoy you, you'll feel smothered by his attention. You will go off sex with him and find yourself getting irritated by him.

He will be the loyal puppy he always was. But he'll be hurt and confused as to what he has done wrong and he may well end up resenting the way you treat him.

Ultimately, over time, it will fall assunder.
If you know you don't love him and will never love him then break up with him for both your sakes.
You both deserve better than that.

Great post, but there is one more thing to add.

Despite the fact that if/when it comes to a head he will most likely blame himself, he will have every right to resent you for not being fully honest with him. A truth unsaid is often as bad as a lie. You also always have the propensity to treat him badly no matter how you like him because you will never allow yourself to be dependant upon him. Mutual dependance is a necessary part of a healthy relationship and if you don't love him you won't allow yourself to commit to a full complete relationship.

This might happen in the future but you'll have to first figure out what you want in order to know if he can fulfill that for you.

opinion guy

@kenbrady
Thanked your post for the laugh it gave me.:D:D
Your right its not morbid curiousty. I'm actually hoping beetlebums will say somethign that will at least partially back up my point of view in this discussino since i feel all alone and in the cold in this discussion


Hairspray - can you maybe give some feedback to the things already said, lest we all go off arguing amongst ourselves on tangents.

Do you feel like your boy is too much of a pushover ?
Or do you feel like its more something to do with you ?


Edit: hairspray i will also add - i have been having an exceptionally crappy day and my inital post was harsh as a result. apologies

iguana

magneticimpulse wrote: »

i wouldnt rush into making a choice just yet. its only been 5 months. i wouldnt complain either. this sounds like a great relationship and i would enjoy it. if you really dont love them maybe end it?? but do you know what love is to you?? you are prob more used to ups and downs, fights, negative things, rollarcoasters and this all seems too perfect. i know thats what happened to me and i started to be negative. i should have just enjoyed the niceness when it lasted!! my advice, enjoy it. you like his company, you get on. you dont have to get married or be so serious just yet and maybe by then you will grow to love him;o)

Exactly. It could just be that 5 months is too soon for you to really fall in love, it's different for everyone. If you absolutely know that your feelings for him will never grow then you should end it for his sake.

But if you are still unsure of what might happen then just relax and enjoy the relationship, it's still very early days.

Hairspray

heya all thanks for the great response!

A bit more info about me , im 19 and this is my 3rd proper relationship.My previous two were a harder than the one im in now.The thing is i cant get over how easy everything is!We dont fight, we talk and move on.We laugh , we have soo much in common, i can never sleep with him around because i want to stay up and talk to him.Whenever i see a romantic film or hear a song it reminds me off him.Im staying in his house next sat night and im already dying for it!Last week i got him his favorite sweets and i love his smile and is pretty much my topic of conversation around people.Like i could talk bf, bf, bf 24/7.Like he likes my craziness and i love his quirks

I am a person that likes space though and i hate when people do too much for me or go too out of their way .Like the bf will regularly wait around 3+hours for me to finish work or finish college.This kinda drives me berserk because i wouldn't like any one waiting around for me.Last week he waited around for 4hrs until i finished work just to see me for half an hour.That and he has started to skip out on nights out with friends to see me .This i don't like as its him falling a bit too hard , i told him last week that i want him to start going on his nights out with his friends and not to choose me over going out with friends.

SheRa

Hairspray wrote: »

heya all thanks for the great response!

A bit more info about me , im 19 and this is my 3rd proper relationship.My previous two were a harder than the one im in now.The thing is i cant get over how easy everything is!We dont fight, we talk and move on.We laugh , we have soo much in common, i can never sleep with him around because i want to stay up and talk to him.Whenever i see a romantic film or hear a song it reminds me off him.Im staying in his house next sat night and im already dying for it!Last week i got him his favorite sweets and i love his smile and is pretty much my topic of conversation around people.Like i could talk bf, bf, bf 24/7.Like he likes my craziness and i love his quirks

I am a person that likes space though and i hate when people do too much for me or go too out of their way .Like the bf will regularly wait around 3+hours for me to finish work or finish college.This kinda drives me berserk because i wouldn't like any one waiting around for me.Last week he waited around for 4hrs until i finished work just to see me for half an hour.That and he has started to skip out on nights out with friends to see me .This i don't like as its him falling a bit too hard , i told him last week that i want him to start going on his nights out with his friends and not to choose me over going out with friends.

Until I read this post I thought that you should break up with him and let him find someone that is mad about him, but your post was so lovely and hearfelt it made me smile:). You are mad about him, he just sounds a wee bit too eager.

Thats good that you told him to keep going out with his friends, but you should def say it to him about not waiting around 3/4 hrs for you.

Hope it works out for you both:).

pisslips

Maybe this is just an early twenties thing but i've had it both ways.

I've learned not to call when ever you feel like it and not to be available too often. Suddenly they start working for it as if they're missing out on something.

The alternative is to fall fothem and have the girl get disinterested.

The truth is it's just a game of ego, it's really annoying and a bit sad. It's really lose-lose, even if they do end up liking you a lot ,you know it's only because they think you're the best they can get, it just doesn't sit well with me.

If you like him that much and you think about him all the time then what else do you need?

If he said he wouldn't be around next sat, you'd be more interested?
Does he have to play games?

SheRa

Theres nothing game playing about not wanting anyone to wait around 3/4 hours for you.

opinion guy

Hairspray wrote: »

My previous two were a harder than the one im in now. The thing is i cant get over how easy everything is!We dont fight, we talk and move on.

aha. i have to say i wondered about your previous relationships. i think sometimes when people have only known bad relationships, some part of them becomes condition to associate that 'badness' with a relatiosnhip. so when they meet a nice person that conditioned part of them wonders - ok but where is that exciting badness - even thou the rest of them rejects this.

We laugh , we have soo much in common, i can never sleep with him around because i want to stay up and talk to him.Whenever i see a romantic film or hear a song it reminds me off him.Im staying in his house next sat night and im already dying for it!Last week i got him his favorite sweets and i love his smile and is pretty much my topic of conversation around people.Like i could talk bf, bf, bf 24/7.Like he likes my craziness and i love his quirks

well that all sounds great. sounds like if you don't feel love for him now its certainly a potential

I am a person that likes space though and i hate when people do too much for me or go too out of their way .Like the bf will regularly wait around 3+hours for me to finish work or finish college.This kinda drives me berserk because i wouldn't like any one waiting around for me.Last week he waited around for 4hrs until i finished work just to see me for half an hour.That and he has started to skip out on nights out with friends to see me .This i don't like as its him falling a bit too hard , i told him last week that i want him to start going on his nights out with his friends and not to choose me over going out with friends.

ok well that waiting around for 3 4 hours thing is a bit much now. talk to him about it. tell him.

you know given your age, it may not be that he is falling too hard, it may be that this is all new to him. maybe he has never had someone like you before and maybe he has never felt this way before and he's all excited and is wanting to do everything he can for this new special person he has.

OP just i think, talk to him. tell him about your concerns. tell him that are very into waht you guys ahve but also that you like your space and that you want him to keep being his own man too. hmmm i'm not sayin to change him (cause that is always doomed), but maybe steer the relationship a little bit more where you want things to be

magneticimpulse

this story just gets more positive. this is what love is all about, it seems exactly it. you prob just used to drama and tension. like i said its 5 months, its the honeymoon stage and its right, this guy might not have felt like this about anyone before. seriously i would love to be that age again because by the time your 29 you meet guys who have been twice engaged, houses, kids etc and they dont act this lovey dovey anymore...ok sometimes they can. but you realise that they are making alot of effort. it doesnt mean they are a pushover. in fact if you knock these good things which this guy is doing, you will really confuse him and he might start to be nasty. trust me, the honeymoon stage doesnt last forever and soon you be wondering why he doesnt wait 3 hours to see you. enjoy it and make the most of it.