Anonymous

Whattosell

Just something I wrote, feedback gratefully accepted.


‘Have you ever been to a fortune teller, Lorna?’

Normally she wasn’t included in their coffee break idiocies, normally she hovered briefly, awkwardly around the sink area trying to gulp down her drink too fast, too hot, leaving that burnt skin on her tongue for the rest of the morning. But Jilly was a newcomer to the office so she hadn’t learnt yet that Lorna didn’t share.

Feeling her cheeks stain slightly red she shook her head. Although the others soon tumbled into the gap with their own stories Lorna couldn’t keep up the pretence of being part of the group, not that day at least. So she turned to the sink and let her coffee slide down the plughole. She didn’t let herself think about the raised eyes behind her back, the smirks, the shrugs and as quickly as she could without actually running, she retreated to her office.

Settling herself into her red corduroy chair, she adjusted the monitor, knocking off the screen saver with a quick flick at the mouse. From the photo on the screen her sisters’ eyes smiled at her. Charlie had been the one to cajole her into going to the fortune teller with her. Charlie had wanted to know if she was going to meet a man. Lorna could have saved her some money- when had Charlie not met a man? Charlie had been the beautiful one, everyone had loved her. Amazing how identical twins could be so different.

Lorna could hardly remember the nonsense the woman had come out with. She did remember the house very clearly- a run down bungalow with single glazed aluminium windows and plastic doors. It had a temporary feel, as though it was waiting for someone to put wheels under it and tow it away.

“You’ll always have to work.” That’s the only thing she could clearly recall the woman saying but she didn’t explain it. Charlie had said it meant Lorna should stop buying lotto tickets. Lorna was more interested in what Charlie had been told. By then her skin was jaundiced, her cheeks hollowed. Any idiot could tell she was…well, any idiot could tell.

“She said I’ll have three sons and one of them will be a famous sportsman. She said I already know the man I’m going to marry. And she knew, straightaway she knew I’d been ill. Isn’t that amazing?”

“Yeah. God- I hope she didn’t mean Tony.” Lorna had managed, trying to disguise her relief, giving her sister a frown. The two of them had sniggered all the way home talking about Tony Jones and Bob Horan and even smelly Liam Hayes from the chipper. That was when she hadn’t accepted it yet. Once she did her focus changed.

Lornas’ eyes flicked to the ‘Footprints in the Sand’ bookmark poking out of the letter holder, the tiny bottle of holy water from Lourdes, things she knew the others ridiculed her for. She’d heard them one time, on her way down the stairs- the door to the kitchen had been open and for once the office machinery had been quiet, the photocopier, fax, printer, the bookkeeper’s noisy calculator from the 70s.

‘I bet she goes to mass every evening and twice on Sundays- probably her idea of a social life.’ That had been Joan, she knew the voice. Cait, their boss, hadn’t been there, they wouldn’t have in front of her. ‘Did you see the rosary beads she wears? It’s like a bracelet- no, I swear, have a look when she comes down.’

Lorna had pushed the cuff of her blouse above her elbow before she’d entered. They hadn’t a clue.

Now she fingered the cheap beads, hung on an elastic band. She wore it on her watch hand. Charlie had given them to her. They’d come in a plastic box with a note. Apparently once you put it on your wrist you weren’t to take it off ever until they broke by themselves. Then your prayer would come true. She’d had to buy a children’s bead kit in a toy shop and now she was on her third elastic band. Charlie found religion before she died and that gave her comfort.

Lorna didn’t believe in God, she didn’t believe in superstition or luck and she certainly didn’t believe in fortune tellers. But having Charlies’ things around her gave her comfort and she believed in that.

EileenG

I thought this was excellent. Is there more?

pickarooney

I found the opening paragraph confusing. After two re-reads I still wasn't sure who all the pronouns referred to. The same happened in the paragraph that begins "Lornas' eyes..."

There are a few misplaces apostrophes, one of which - "her sisters’ eyes smiled at her" - is misleading. There's only one sister, we find out afterwards (unless I misread this, in which case my apologies).

The story felt incomplete. If there's more to it, please post it up as what's there is interesting.

Whattosell

pickarooney wrote: »

I found the opening paragraph confusing. After two re-reads I still wasn't sure who all the pronouns referred to. The same happened in the paragraph that begins "Lornas' eyes..."

There are a few misplaces apostrophes, one of which - "her sisters’ eyes smiled at her" - is misleading. There's only one sister, we find out afterwards (unless I misread this, in which case my apologies).

The story felt incomplete. If there's more to it, please post it up as what's there is interesting.

I'm a bit embarrassed but still don't know why 'Lornas' eyes' is wrong. Please explain.

There is more, will post later a bit more but didn't want to bore at first.

pickarooney

Her name is Lorna, so the possesive is Lorna's eyes.
If here name were Lornas or there were two Lornas then it would be Lornas' eyes.

Same for sister's eyes and sisters' eyes.