life long issue

LegacyUser

Hello all, I am looking for some advice from a girls point of view. I seem to always have the same problem when it comes to girls, I can attract girls but over time I turn them right off to a point where they will no longer want to talk to me.

I think my problem comes down to insecurity. My first ever girlfriend lost interest in me and got off with someone in my full view, later in life the same thing happened. I thought I got over this and became involved in a long term relationship a few years back. We went out over 2 years and in all that time her ex boyfriend kept in contact, it bothered me and one time they actually went out for dinner "as mates", I tried my best but soon after the relationship ended and we lost touch so I have no idea if she went back with her ex or not. Since then I have never really had a girlfriend, I've met a few girls but its never worked out, either I ended it or I was dumped.

I have noticed a pattern now and I get upset/bothered if I sense the girl is loosing interest and I tend to get angry and let the girl know, this obviously puts the girl off me and I try to make up for it but I cant seem to put it in a way that how I react makes sense. I'll be honest and say I kinda loose the plot trying to win back the girl and it ends with her not wanting to talk at all.

Last year I tried out joining a social networking site and met a girl local to me, we got on great and chatted for a good few months, swapped numbers and txt and emails etc. I tried calling as the girl was up for it but some how or another I never got to talk with her but she still continued to talk via email and txt etc. This carried on for around 6 months and I got fed up and thought she was just using me to pass the time etc so I got onto her about it, had a bit of a fight and said a few things. I felt like I did a bad thing and tried my best to say sorry, it kinda worked but our chats were never the same. After that again I lost the plot and now we don't talk.

When I say lost the plot, I say to the girl I no longer want to talk anymore, then after a few weeks I'll come back and say sorry and try to make some contact again.

I don't feel comfortable when going out with girls, all my past memory's come back and when the slightest thing upsets me I make a big deal out of it. After I while I will realise my mistake and in most cases its to late to say sorry, then my attempts to say sorry fail, I get upset again and that's pretty much the end of it.

In everything else I am confidant and not a lot bothers me but when it comes to girls I am a mess and don't know what to do anymore?

Advice would be great.

Oryx

girl troubles wrote: »

..over time I turn them right off to a point where they will no longer want to talk to me...soon after the relationship ended and we lost touch..I tend to get angry and let the girl know...I kinda loose the plot trying to win back the girl...it ends with her not wanting to talk at all...I got fed up...I got onto her about it, had a bit of a fight and said a few things...again I lost the plot and now we don't talk...I make a big deal out of it...

These are all your comments, so you already know what the problem is. You got badly hurt once and your unable to let your insecurity go and it reflects on your relationship with every girl since. So once things get tricky you get angry, let off steam, get remorseful, but its too late, and on and on we go.

One of the main things that strikes me here is that you dont remain friends with any girl youve seen. It seems to always end with acrimony and bad feeling. The key reason would seem to me, to be your anger. But youre angry at someone who hurt you a long time ago. Stop using that against every woman since.

Youve got to stop dealing with people (women) in such a black and white way. Youre either in love or your fuming with them. And Id say in both extremes the emotions are overpowering to the woman concerned. Youve got to learn that these strong feelings are yours, and only you can control them. The person in your life is just doing their thing, and you are reacting to how they behave, sometimes in an ott way. So when you want to react angrily, walk away, chill out, come back when youre calm. Get some perspective. Recognise your bad humours as something you own, not necessarily caused by someone else. People will often be thoughtless or even cruel, youve got to deal with that without always flying off in a rage.

Ickle Magoo

girl troubles wrote: »

.....all my past memory's come back and when the slightest thing upsets me I make a big deal out of it....

Why? And if you see a pattern why do you keep wilfully repeating it? You seem to be deliberately sabotaging your own chances at a happy relationship and the reason may well go much deeper than your first girlfriend.

People are entitled to go off you, they are entitled to fall out of love and find other people attractive - why does it get you angry? Why would a relationship coming to an end even surprise you, by far the majority of relationships are not long lasting. Terms of relationships depend on suitability of the parties and the longer they last the more suitable or less suitable a partner is defined, stop taking the process so personally - it should be about enjoying the time someone wants to be with you, not concentrating on the point they don't.

LegacyUser

Hello, that you for you help, you both have hit the nail on the head. I've gone out with a good few girls over the years and can only think of 1 or 2 that I can talk to, as for the rest I guess I just pushed them away intentionally. I know what I am doing and I know its wrong but as soon as I sense the slightest lack of interest something comes over me and I find it hard to control, from then on I try real hard to impress and keep the interest and when it doesn't work that's when the problems start. Then I feel the girl has got the wrong impression and I freak her out by trying to tell her why I act in such a way and it never works. Even tho I know what I am doing I find it hard to stop and just let it go. This is the first time I have asked for advice so I guess I am taking the right steps.

I don't tar all girls with the same brush, I believe the fault is mine, that's why most have acted in a similar manor when I went out with them.