What to do??

little angel

I met this guy a few months ago who is really nice and i ave a lot in common with with met up a good few times but noting really serious happened.. At the end of August he had to leave the country and return to work abroad but we still stayed in contact and we said we wud hook up again when he came home nxt..HE tx me today n said he is home nxt week but thinks its a bad idea to meet cause its never goin to work..im totally confused by this cause both of us are single..he did say we cud just ave one night stands..but then i feel i cud b used??what shud I do??

minidazzler

To be honest I say this is a "Go with your loins" situation. If you want to sleep with him, cool, go for it. But he has made it clear that it won't be more than a Fcuk buddy situation, so if you do sleep with him then don't be surprised if he gets a girlfriend or if he is not willing to commit to you.

If you want to have sex with him and think you can handle that with little to no Emotional Baggage, then I say go for it.

If you want a relationship with him, stay clear. It's not what he wants, he has told you he is not interested in that.

So, it's your choice, but bear in mind you are working with the fact he said there will be NO commited relationship. There are no if's or but's about it, that is the way it is, remember it when making your decision, and ask yourself can you live with that?

Tinchy

not trying to be harsh but id say he just wants to be single when hes abroad and do whatever he likes, he obviously just doesn't want to be tied down.
its a shame when you two got on so well but my advice is to be cautious about having too much contact and (this is just me) i wouldnt start having one night stands everytime he comes home, you will more than likely become more attached and it will be hard to get over it when you want to start going steady and he might not.

little angel

See I think he doesn't want to meet up because he doesn't want us to get attached..he said that if he was at home he wud go out with me he just doesn't want me to be miserable at home when he is away..but still he wnts sex on tap really..i told him i dont really do one night stands i wud prefer goin out with some1..he said guys shudn't let guys walk over me..i just dont no how he feels exactly bout me??shud i stay in contact with him??R is he really just lookin for one thing?

CDfm

OP - you like the guy but dont want to be a friend with benefits and it looks to me he is checking you out to see if you would be satisfied with that.

From your post I honestly dont think you are up for that.

Some people can do it -maybe you can't.

minidazzler

little angel wrote: »

See I think he doesn't want to meet up because he doesn't want us to get attached..he said that if he was at home he wud go out with me he just doesn't want me to be miserable at home when he is away..but still he wnts sex on tap really..i told him i dont really do one night stands i wud prefer goin out with some1..he said guys shudn't let guys walk over me..i just dont no how he feels exactly bout me??shud i stay in contact with him??R is he really just lookin for one thing?

He may like you, but he doesn't consider himself to be in a position to be in a relationship, well at least not a distance one.

If you are not interested in a Fcuk buddy style one, then I say you should maybe cut contact.

He's not gonna change his mind, and with the difference, that is fair enough.

little angel

If i did sleep with him...do u think it cud lead to a relationship? R wud I b just making a fool of myself ?Any if i ever met hom on the street it wud be akward..

minidazzler

little angel wrote: »

If i did sleep with him...do u think it cud lead to a relationship? R wud I b just making a fool of myself ?Any if i ever met hom on the street it wud be akward..

If you did sleep with him it will NOT lead to a relationship.

He has made his position clear. If you can't handle that do not get into it!! Trust me on this, you will end up hurt!!

If you sleep with him, I garuntee you will have a thread here in a few months saying something along the lines of "FB won't commit what should I do"

It's not worth it, you don't think you can handle it, so don't get into it!

CDfm

little angel wrote: »

If i did sleep with him...do u think it cud lead to a relationship?

No

little angel

so basically ye think i shud cut ties??can i just tx him to be sociable?like when he comes home from working abroad which i think may be in april shud i see what his position is then??

minidazzler

little angel wrote: »

so basically ye think i shud cut ties??can i just tx him to be sociable?like when he comes home from working abroad which i think may be in april shud i see what his position is then??

Yes I think it would be best to cut contact, if you are in contact with him you will pine for him I think, that will stop you finding someone else.

So my advice, cut contact with him. It's for the best really.

little angel

I have go another bit to add to the story...My real close best friend who is a guy whom i'd say we go on like we are going out except for the physical cantact left for Oz for a yr like3weeks before I met this other guy,,,so now i will b pinin for2 lads... I also think I have feelings for the guy in Oz except we are so close everythin cud b ruined if it came out..o i have one complecated love life!!

LegacyUser

Look I don't mean to be nasty, but I am going to be straight to the point - Both of these guys do not live here anymore. Think about it. The guy coming home this weekend does not want to meet up and get into a big relationship since he needs time to visit everyone else he has missed since August. A relationship for him at this stage is probably a nightmare. He is then going to have to take care of you while he is here, aswell as visit his family and friends etc. Whereas if he can just meet you no strings attached of course he is going to be happy.

Also - I think he is being fair in pointing this out to you. Who would want to get into a new relationship when they can only have a LD one at the moment and so rely on calls, txts, and emails. Even people in serious relationships usually take a break if one person has to go away for an extended period of time.

As for the guy in OZ, I think you are confused. Likewise let him have his freedom while he is away and see what happens when both these guys are actually back in the country.

All the best

little angel

Yeah very true I should just kind of get on with my life..I think I am jsut goin to keep in contact with them both n c what happens but if some prince charming comes I will forget bout the guy workin abroad will chat to him if I ever meet him out mayb but cud be akward enuf.. and not goin to loose contact with the guy in Oz cause he is a close friend and if noting ever happens between us relationship wise he is goin to be a friend for life!:)Thanks for d advice!

little angel

Rite the guy from abroad came home...n i said id drop hom a tx..he said he wud meet up with me last nite but then yesterday tx me n said he was goin to be too busy and he just cudn't i didn't really mind though cause he probaly had to meet up with own mates etc...I went out myself last nite with some of the girls n it probaly was one of the worst nites ever i just wanted to go somewhere I dont no...somewhere were I was in the same room as my guy thats workin abroad or my friend that I really like in Oz...was so miserable and just cudn't stop thinkin about them for the entire nite a guy came up to me half ok n i just cudn't be with him...some of my friends were like wonderin what was wrong n own of my male friend who kind of knows my story just said to me stop been so miserable..but I just cudn't help it...since d both of them have left my nites out aven't been great to last nite was the worst...really what am i goin to do??

opinion guy

little angel i know its a recession but i didn't know it had gotten so bad that letters and punctuation had to be rationed :P


my advice ? do nothing. i know it sucks. but the only thing that will make it better is time. i don't think your should cut off the abroad guy, but i definitely think you shouldn't get involved unless he moves back here. you don't seem like the type for a f**k buddy arrangement - you would get emotionally attached and hurt.

hmmm take up a hobby, keep busy, enjoy your friends, forget about boys for a while. just keep busy and in time you'll feel better

little angel

Sorry was in a rush!!!Not the **** buddy type and he knows it too but maybe I should change my ways...Am not sure how long his contract is,but maybe if I have a few night stands and keep in contact ..when he returns something might haooen or wud that be wishful think??should i lie drop him a tx tonite and ask him how his weeekend was??

opinion guy

little angel wrote: »

Sorry was in a rush!!!Not the **** buddy type and he knows it too but maybe I should change my ways...Am not sure how long his contract is,but maybe if I have a few night stands and keep in contact ..when he returns something might haooen or wud that be wishful think??should i lie drop him a tx tonite and ask him how his weeekend was??

NOOOOO seriously don't do the few nights stand thing in hopes of something coming out of it. way to get yourself hurt. besides that, compromising your standards for him will only a) be letting yourself down and b) mean he will have less respect for you as he will see you as someone who compromised herself

hmmmm in other circumstances i would say yeah sure whatever but in this case no don't text him tonight because you are already too wrapped up in your own head and it will only give you more contact to analyse. so leave it and just try and clear your head.

little angel

ok thanks you are right I guess...when do u think i should contact him??The nxt time he is home what should we do?

opinion guy

hmmm i don't really think you should contact him - not while you are in this frame of mind at least. if he contacts you then fair enough be friendly in return. next time i wouldn't do anything unless he asks you to. and i'd keep it strictly friends - coffee or something. i woulnd't be going to the cinema or anything date-y like that

little angel

so basially its up to him to make the nxt step???friend only but still i feel i wud ave to contact him to..i think if its left to long mayb thats it we never will keep in contact?

opinion guy

angel its not that i think you shouldn't be in touch per se, its just that it seems to be making you quite unhappy at the moment. i think you jsut need to ask yourself if contact is good for you or bad for you. don't u think ?

little angel

I dont no i guess you could say at the moment we are just friend so even like I think it could all go back to meeting up again or else him not relying..what would we talk about?? wud like too be able to cha to him!

ash23

I'm going to be blunt. You are in love with the drama of it all. Star crossed lovers and all that. Or else you don't actually want a relationship but you want something to liven up your life, to have to talk to your girlfriends about.

I've been a bit like that the last couple of years. Constantly lamenting the fact that the guys I liked were unavailable either emotionally or physically (being abroad).
I then realised that I keep going for guys that I know are emotionally unavailable. In the last year I have dated/been seeing the following wonderful selection of boys

a 19 year old, a manic depressive, two guys who were emigrating, one guy who was just out of a 10 year relationship, one guy who had a child with an ex who made his life hell and one guy who basically told me straight up he didn't want a relationship. There have been no nice, normal blokes. Because they try to chat me up, I panic and run away.

Now, either I am living in a twilight zone where all single men are totally messed up. Or (and we have to face facts here), I am the one who has the problem. I'm betting it's me!

I am terrified of relationships. But man, being single is trés boring. So this way, I have someone to text, to think about, to get butterflies about, to chat to my friends about over wine......but the magic part is I don't have to make any effort or risk getting close to them.

You need to ask yourself some difficult questions and figure out why you are doing this. Only then can you work on fixing it.

luucylu

luucylu wrote: »

Also - I think he is being fair in pointing this out to you. Who would want to get into a new relationship when they can only have a LD one at the moment and so rely on calls, txts, and emails. Even people in serious relationships usually take a break if one person has to go away for an extended period of time.

Not necessarily. Me and my bf started going out just before he left for the year, but both of us wanted it to work out. The guy in this case has made it clear he's not interested, so it's black and white, no point in even thinking about it.

OP don't start sleeping with him thinking he'll want you as a girlfriend. I have no idea why girls do that. It just doesn't work. If he wants you as a girlfriend, he'll make it fairly clear. If you sleep with him, he'll see you as a bit of fun, he can get sex without committing to anything. It won't make him suddenly fall in love with you.

opinion guy

Yup. to be honest from what you've told us i'm getting the impression he's a bit of a bastard. he knows you like him and want a relationship yet he's trying to talk you into no strings sex. sounds like a player to me. sure as hell he will be dating/sleeping around in the other country too and this is what he wants

little angel

No wouldn't say he is a bit of a bastard really...he said he didn't want to mess me around so he seems genuine enuf...I guess I just want a male friend to ave fun with someone new..n i dont like one nite stands think there not for me unless it accienlty does happen...really want to email him now guy working abroad should I ...was talkin to my other interest in Oz yesterday it was really good!!

opinion guy

little angel wrote: »

he said he didn't want to mess me around so he seems genuine enuf

All the best bastards say that. I'm sorry I may be misjudging him but knowing you aren't up for a one nighter and yet him still wanting to have his fun seems disingenuous to me. i understand the not anting to do long distance thing but it sounds like keeping his options open.

...I guess I just want a male friend to ave fun with someone new..n i dont like one nite stands think there not for me unless it accienlty does happen...really want to email him now guy working abroad should I ...was talkin to my other interest in Oz yesterday it was really good!!

aw sweetie well maybe the best thing is to go out and meet some new people who are actually here. take a class or something ? I might of been really good but he's in Oz !!!!!!!!

little angel

Fair enuf I just may get over myself forget bout the 2lads move on...n see what happens..see whats on offer out there but still will have them in the back of my mind i'd say...may turn in to a one night stand girl??

ash23

little angel wrote: »

Fair enuf I just may get over myself forget bout the 2lads move on...n see what happens..see whats on offer out there but still will have them in the back of my mind i'd say...may turn in to a one night stand girl??

Cut contact with both of them. Seriously. For your own sake. Go out and meet new people. Ones who are resident in this country.
If you want to have one night stands then have them but only if you are happy having them. And be aware of the reality of one night stands. If you don't take it at face value (which is no strings sex for a night) then you'll end up feeling like crap afterwards.
Also, be aware that even if you use contraceptives, there is the possibility of STDs and pregnancy.
I have one night stands. I'm comfortable with them so I'm not trying to put you off at all. But you need to seriously think about what you want before having one. If you want a relationship with a guy then having sex with him right away will usually end in disaster.