Who's your daddy?

LegacyUser

Unfortunately that would be me. The mother is an ex and trouble is that I'm too young for fatherhood and have no interest in children (too selfish). I'll pay for child support but I can't get involved in the day to day hassle of a child. Is this acceptable? I think it's better than faking it and ending up giving the child a complex – thinking I don't love it.

Anti

Do what feels right for you. Don't get caught up in something you dont want and will only regret in years to come. But remember paying child support is the very least you can do !

Bottle_of_Smoke

In 10 years you might be dying to be a father to the child. Wouldn't burn my bridges in this scenario no matter how depressing it might currently seem

LegacyUser

Is the child born yet? Doesn't sound like it from the post.

If my suspicions are right, just hold out and wait until the child arrives. Nature has a funny way of sorting things like that out.


And if I'm wrong, or I'm right but you end up not falling in love with the kid immediately, it's all or nothing (except maintenance). Don't stroll in at some point and go "Hey! I'm your dad!".

martdalto

No offense OP, but if you don't want to get involved in the "day to day hassle" of a child, then don't get a girl pregnant.

I know sometimes it's not that easy, unexpected things happen etc, but it then becomes easy for the dad to just walk away, saying "I can't be doing with this". I'm sure the mother would prefer not to have to get involved in the "day to day hassle" of a child too.

You say you don't want to fake it, and give the child a complex thinking you don't love it.. What do you think staying away and having nothing to do with it is going to do to him/her? Do you think this would be better because they'll feel loved and adored by their dad??

As others have said, don't go burning bridges just yet. It's a huge decision to make, and for possibly the first time in your life you are going to have to decide on something that is not going to just affect YOU. It's going to affect 2 families (and extended families), so many people.

Have you parents? Do they deserve the chance to know their grandchild? Does your ex deserve the chance to some help and support from the father of her baby? Does the baby deserve some contact with their dad?

I think for the most part, in general etc.. (there are of course excetions) children love their parents unconditionally.. while you might think you're a lousy dad.. your child may hero worship you.

Nobody can tell the future.. whatever decision you DO make... it may all go horribly wrong, it may turn out to be the best thing that ever happened. But don't decide too quickly, and try not to mess too many people around.. if you decide something, have the courage to see it through.

Good Luck!

ManOfMystery

me_me_me? wrote: »

I'm too young for fatherhood

You weren't too young to inseminate your ex and produce another human being, funny how your age is suddenly an issue now?

and have no interest in children (too selfish)

At least you're honest.

I can't get involved in the day to day hassle of a child

How would you feel if your parents had described you as nothing more than 'hassle' when you were born? This is your child which YOU brought into the world. They didn't ask to be born. At least show him/her some respect.

Is this acceptable?

Frankly? No. All I see is yet another selfish young guy who has too much sex on the brain and too little control of whats between his legs ................. and yet another child who's going to grow up without their biological father in this life.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but too many people have sex and then cry about the effect on their lives when they find out a pregnancy is on the cards. How about facing up to your responsibilities? If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

Stu77

A baby brought up without 2 parents having a regular input into the childs life is more at risk of having problems and issues. I see it every day where i live. Kids as young as 7 or 8 running riot and in the majority of cases the father is not on the scene and the mothers are struggling to cope.

You need to grow a set a balls. A real set, not the ones you used to get the girl pregnant. Your not a man if you walk away and don't accept your responsibilities. Your a weak boy who will most likely live to regret your decision in the longterm.

Another man may come into the childs life and become the father figure and you'll have to live with that for the rest of your life. As you get older and more mature you will begin to realise the mistake you have made but it may be too late to develop a relationship with your child.

And by the way, just because you pay child support it doesn't mean you are fulfilling your obligations. It might ease your guilty conscience in the short term but its still a kop out.

You might seem overwhelmed with the situation at the moment and thats understandable but realise this, being a good father brings its own rewards and you will feel far happier in yourself when that child looks up to you and hangs on your every word.

I hope you do the right thing. We don't need anymore children in this country wondering why Daddy doesn't like them.

Midnight_EG

I managed to stroll into this forum, but I think some people should give the OP a little bit of breathing space.

Who knows whether he meant to inseminate her, maybe the condom snapped or hell, maybe it's not even him that's the Father (Unless it's already been proven)

So lighten up guys, let the guy explain it all

994

Just hypothetically, had a woman posted here about adoption or abortion, would you all have said-

"if you don't want to get involved in the "day to day hassle" of a child, then don't get pregnant."

"Have you parents? Do they deserve the chance to know their grandchild? Does the baby deserve some contact with their mam?"

"You weren't too young to get pregnant and produce another human being, funny how your age is suddenly an issue now?"

"How would you feel if your parents had described you as nothing more than 'hassle' when you were born? This is your child which YOU brought into the world. They didn't ask to be born. At least show him/her some respect."

"All I see is yet another selfish young girl who has too much sex on the brain and too little control of whats between her legs."

"Sorry if I sound harsh, but too many people have sex and then cry about the effect on their lives when they find out a pregnancy is on the cards. How about facing up to your responsibilities? If you can't do the time, don't do the crime."

" Your not a woman if you walk away and don't accept your responsibilities. Your a weak girl who will most likely live to regret your decision in the longterm."

Stu77

994, the point is thats its too easy for men to walk away. I've seen it with blokes i know, some of them have kids for different women and they still continue to sleep around with the chance that they might get someone else pregnant and bring another kid into the world that they've no interest in rearing.

Yeah, it takes two to make a baby but the vast majority of women will take on the responsibility of rearing the child as opposed to burying their head in the sand.

A real man deals with his responsibilities. A weak self centered man will always find an excuse to wriggle out of it.

This shouldn't be turned into, "well what if the girl had an abortion". Thats another topic completely. So what if the condom might have broke. That doesn't change anything.

So any unplanned pregnancy gives the man the right to walk away, is that what your saying? Bollox to that.

metrovelvet

Have you ever been with someone who doesnt want to be with you? You know how you can pick up on that? It doesnt feel too good does it? A child will pick up on it doubly so, so imo the child is better off without you.

The child will pay a high price for your decision just so you know that. And you will have to answer to him one day. It wont be pretty, that is if the child wants to have anything to do with you, and then you will feel the sting of being rejected by your own flesh and blood. Whatever way, it wont be pretty.

ManOfMystery

994 wrote: »

Just hypothetically, had a woman posted here about adoption or abortion, would you all have said-

"if you don't want to get involved in the "day to day hassle" of a child, then don't get pregnant."

"Have you parents? Do they deserve the chance to know their grandchild? Does the baby deserve some contact with their mam?"

"You weren't too young to get pregnant and produce another human being, funny how your age is suddenly an issue now?"

"How would you feel if your parents had described you as nothing more than 'hassle' when you were born? This is your child which YOU brought into the world. They didn't ask to be born. At least show him/her some respect."

"All I see is yet another selfish young girl who has too much sex on the brain and too little control of whats between her legs."

"Sorry if I sound harsh, but too many people have sex and then cry about the effect on their lives when they find out a pregnancy is on the cards. How about facing up to your responsibilities? If you can't do the time, don't do the crime."

" Your not a woman if you walk away and don't accept your responsibilities. Your a weak girl who will most likely live to regret your decision in the longterm."

If a woman had made a post like the OP above (about being too young, baby being too much 'hassle', etc) then yes, I'm sure most people would have replied the same - myself included.

Too many people treat a pregnancy and subsequent child as nothing more than an inconvenience to their comfortable lifestyle. Granted, statistics likely show that it's mostly men who walk away and mothers find it harder to give up on that maternal bond that they form in the first 9 months before the child is born, but it does happen to women too.

This is a new life we're talking about. It doesn't matter if the condom broke, or it was planned or unplanned, or whatever. The OP has created new life, and is now unable to face up to his responsibililites and wants to slip away quietly out of this child's future so he doesn't have to face the 'hassle' of raising that child.

It happens a lot. And as such, a lot of children grow up without father figures in their life. It's my personal belief that half the problems in society nowadays are down to situations like this, where we have a generation of children and adolescents who have grown up without a stable family unit.

Men like this need to look at the bigger picture and stop taking the easy way out.

ash23

I firmly believe it is better to have some interaction with the child from the father. Even if it were only a day a month to start with.
You cannot discount the relevance of the dads family either.

A child has the right to know both it's parents.

OP, you may not have wanted this responsibility and you may wish it would just go away. But it won't. This child is a person. A real person who will grow up. You made a baby but it's up to you as to what sort of adult this child will become.
Start with baby steps.

If the baby hasn't already been born then just take some time to let it sink in. Tell your family, let them help you. Don't do anything hasty or rash. Take some time to get your head together before you run away.

I know it took me a long time to accept being pregnant and to wrap my head around it and I was the one who was actually pregnant.
However, I also see the impact that growing up without a father is having on my daughter who is now nearly 7.
Her dad walked when he found out I was pregnant and the questions she asks are heartbreaking at times.
If he even saw her once or twice a month it would make a big difference to her.

eviltwin

OP I hate to say it but if your old enough to have sex you should be old enough to deal with any repercusions

I had a baby at a young age, my boyfriend was very young too. Neither of us had any real desire to be parents at the time but we accepted that we had a responsibility to the new person who was on the way.

It wasnt easy. We fought all the way through the pregnancy, broke up countless times, we both found it very hard to adjust to being parents when our daughter was eventually born and I cant say parenthood came naturally to either of us but we got through it with the help of our families and friends.

She's now 12 and I'm happy to say that all the hard work at the beginning was worth it. Her dad and I are still together and he is still very much involved in her life. It took us a good few years to get our bearings but I like to think we've turned out to be pretty decent parents.

Try and get out of this negative mentality you have about kids. Yes they can be a "hassle" in the early days but they bring untold joy as well. You dont get that when you see other children but when its your own it suddenly makes sense. And they dont stay kids forever, they grow up and become mini mates and in 10 - 15 years you might be regretting not being around

metrovelvet

Honour the child by putting your name on the birthcert. Give the mother some photos of you and your family so the child will know where s/he comes from. That is VERY important and also important for future generations.

eviltwin

metrovelvet wrote: »

Honour the child by putting your name on the birthcert. Give the mother some photos of you and your family so the child will know where s/he comes from. That is VERY important and also important for future generations.

Its not enough though is it?

Oh The Humanity

me_me_me? wrote: »

Unfortunately that would be me. The mother is an ex and trouble is that I'm too young for fatherhood and have no interest in children (too selfish).

Er OP, I'd like you to meet....everyone else in the world. Being selfish is not in any way exceptional. You are not special. Everyone wants to lead a selfish and hassle free life. But tough. You put your unprotected dik where you shouldn't have now I suggest you get on with it.

The time for deciding you weren't into parenthood was before you stuck it in. Condom broke? March her to the doc for the morning after pill. You had choices all the way along the line. This is half your mess so take responsibility for your half.

me_me_me? wrote: »

I'll pay for child support but I can't get involved in the day to day hassle of a child.

You can get involved. Everyone findd kids boring and draining, as well as rewarding and fantastic. As I said you are not special or exceptional in any way because of this.

me_me_me? wrote: »

Is this acceptable?

No, its not.

me_me_me? wrote: »

I think it's better than faking it and ending up giving the child a complex – thinking I don't love it.

Heres a newsflash for you. A lot of parenting is about faking it. Do you honestly think a parent getting up in the night for the fourth time to calm a teething baby feels like singing 'twinkle twinkle little star' for the 10th time?

No, they dont. They feel like screaming and jumping out the window, but thats part of being a parent. I've no doubt you are scared but I advise you get a paternity test and then get on with co-parenting your child.

metrovelvet

eviltwin wrote: »

Its not enough though is it?

No it's not,not by far, but it's a minimum and more than some get, including my own.

You cant force him to want something he just doesn't want to do. Its reprehensible, yes, and he will feel it when he is old, they all do

Darthhoob

994 wrote: »

Just hypothetically, had a woman posted here about adoption or abortion, would you all have said-

"if you don't want to get involved in the "day to day hassle" of a child, then don't get pregnant."

"Have you parents? Do they deserve the chance to know their grandchild? Does the baby deserve some contact with their mam?"

"You weren't too young to get pregnant and produce another human being, funny how your age is suddenly an issue now?"

"How would you feel if your parents had described you as nothing more than 'hassle' when you were born? This is your child which YOU brought into the world. They didn't ask to be born. At least show him/her some respect."

"All I see is yet another selfish young girl who has too much sex on the brain and too little control of whats between her legs."

"Sorry if I sound harsh, but too many people have sex and then cry about the effect on their lives when they find out a pregnancy is on the cards. How about facing up to your responsibilities? If you can't do the time, don't do the crime."

" Your not a woman if you walk away and don't accept your responsibilities. Your a weak girl who will most likely live to regret your decision in the longterm."

yeah but this isn't about getting pregnant really, it's about taking responsibility for it. which women (most often) do. if you are going to have sex...with protection or not, you have to realise than pregnancy IS a possible outcome. and take responsibility for it.

i just got in touch with my eldest's dad...who walked away and not paid a penny. to find out he has another 3 kids (that he knows of anyways) all by diff women, all he doesn't see (dunno if he pays for them mind). all because of ONE man....who chose to walk away from the hassle of bringing up kids....whereas the women are all parenting and taking on their responsibilities.

Novella

Is it acceptable? Yes. Of course it is. It's acceptable to others. If you say to your ex, "I don't wanna stick around and help you with bringing up our child, I'll just give you money from time to time", she'll have to accept it. No one can force you into the parenting role. When your child asks where you are and your ex tells him/her the truth (or some make-y up-y, less hurtful version of the truth), he/she will have to accept it. You need to determine whether these actions are acceptable to you.

Peggypeg

Hey OP, I'm preparing to be lynched here but yeah I think it is acceptable to walk away from this (other than paying maintenance). We don't know the circumstances of how she got pregnant, did the condom break, did she forget her pill etc etc. But that stuff really doesn't matter, **** happens you know? I think it's honest of you to say you don't want to be involved. I know too many single mothers that wished the father's had walked away. It seems to me that alot of fathers are fathers because they feel that's what they're "supposed" to do. They get involved, become part of the childs life and then realise they just don't have it in them to be dads, it's way worse than walking away early you know. Also the mother has the decision to not deal with this either, she could have an adoption or abortion, she's choosing to have and support this child. You have that choice too, well not the support part, you will have to do that, but the involvement is a choice. I would suggest you have a long hard look at this before you make any decisions, also be as up front as you can, that way down the road if you feel you would like contact you won't have burned any bridges and you can then see the child if you want perhaps. This is a difficult decision but listen to your own heart and head, don't listen to what people say you "should" do, if you do decide to be a dad to the child it has to come from you, not a feeling of obligation or guilt. You have a right to be happy too. It really bugs me that people are all "you had sex now deal with it!!" I wonder would they feel the same if it happened to them.

Big hugs to you and keep your chin up,
You've a few months to think about this so don't rush it.

eviltwin

Peggypeg wrote: »

Hey OP, I'm preparing to be lynched here but yeah I think it is acceptable to walk away from this (other than paying maintenance). We don't know the circumstances of how she got pregnant, did the condom break, did she forget her pill etc etc. But that stuff really doesn't matter, **** happens you know? I think it's honest of you to say you don't want to be involved. I know too many single mothers that wished the father's had walked away. It seems to me that alot of fathers are fathers because they feel that's what they're "supposed" to do. They get involved, become part of the childs life and then realise they just don't have it in them to be dads, it's way worse than walking away early you know. Also the mother has the decision to not deal with this either, she could have an adoption or abortion, she's choosing to have and support this child. You have that choice too, well not the support part, you will have to do that, but the involvement is a choice. I would suggest you have a long hard look at this before you make any decisions, also be as up front as you can, that way down the road if you feel you would like contact you won't have burned any bridges and you can then see the child if you want perhaps. This is a difficult decision but listen to your own heart and head, don't listen to what people say you "should" do, if you do decide to be a dad to the child it has to come from you, not a feeling of obligation or guilt. You have a right to be happy too. It really bugs me that people are all "you had sex now deal with it!!" I wonder would they feel the same if it happened to them.

Big hugs to you and keep your chin up,
You've a few months to think about this so don't rush it.

This kind of attitude sickens me

What about the rights and choices of the CHILD in all of this to know where he or she came from?

You only have to look at the adoption board to see the kind of effects not knowing your parents can cause. Shame on you.

And what about the future? He might not want to be around now but what about when he grows up a bit and maybe is in the frame of mind where he is ready to be a dad. No one is saying he should become Mary Poppins but a bit of involvement won't kill him.

Sure he thinks kids are a waste of space but you know kids actually can bring a lot of positivity to your life. Put it this way, there are a lot of people who had their babies early in life, myself included. I doubt you will find many of them who lived to regret it

Darthhoob

You have a right to be happy too. It really bugs me that people are all "you had sex now deal with it!!" I wonder would they feel the same if it happened to them.

Alot of people have been through it and dealt with it.

LegacyUser

My cousin found out he was going to be a father at the age of 15.
He couldn't stop crying,his parents were absolutely heartbroken and the whole extended family thought it was the end of the world.
I can't remember if he was 15 or 16 when his baby was actually born,but he stood by her every step of the way.
For the first 2 1/2 years they both remained living with their parents,but he took the baby every single day for about 6 hours,and they would take it in turns to do full weekends if the other one wanted to out.
He finished leaving cert and got a job and is currently doing a course aswell, his girlfriend now has a degree (she's a little older).
They had their ups and downs and broke up about 4 times,but that never stopped him from seeing his child.
They are currently living together for the past year and a 1/2, and things seem to be going very well.

Now this lad was the most reckless,irresponsible young fella you could come across,and I am so proud of him for all he has done.

It's not like his life his over, he still has nights out with the lads,and her with the girls. He's also big into football and is on a soccer and gaelic team.
All this is possible because they work together as parents for the good of their child.

If you could somehow get over your fear,(my cousin was terrified too) you could find that you make a great dad and grow to love your kid more than anything else in the world.
You don't have to live with or even be with the girl to do this.
You could still help each other out as much as possible to rear your child.

mumto3

I got pregnant first at 16 years old,with my "first love",we had a son,got engaged and later had a daughter.
We split up soon after.I continued to love and care for my kids,despite only being 18 and going it alone with 2 small kids.
He walked out on his children,didnt even call them xmas day,despite the fact that there wasnt much bad blood between him and me,so no excuse.
He married a girl he had been with a few months and went on to have kids with her,and our kids are still waiting for a phone call!!!He was willing to pay child support at the start,but when he let my kids down,i asked him to either be a father or not...money included/excluded!He stoped paying,and we havent heard from him since,he was invited to his sons communion but never showed.
My point is money is great,but without the love of a father to go along with it,it meens nothing.People are saying keep paying but its your choice to be involved or not...my opinion-your either in or your out,but you cant have it both ways.Paying will probably push any feelings of guilt aside,but one day this child will go in search for you,and it will be to know why you didnt love him/her.thats the main problem here.Grow up,i had to do it at 16,and looking back now i wouldnt change a thing.

metrovelvet

mumto3 wrote: »

I got pregnant first at 16 years old,with my "first love",we had a son,got engaged and later had a daughter.
We split up soon after.I continued to love and care for my kids,despite only being 18 and going it alone with 2 small kids.
He walked out on his children,didnt even call them xmas day,despite the fact that there wasnt much bad blood between him and me,so no excuse.
He married a girl he had been with a few months and went on to have kids with her,and our kids are still waiting for a phone call!!!He was willing to pay child support at the start,but when he let my kids down,i asked him to either be a father or not...money included/excluded!He stoped paying,and we havent heard from him since,he was invited to his sons communion but never showed.
My point is money is great,but without the love of a father to go along with it,it meens nothing.People are saying keep paying but its your choice to be involved or not...my opinion-your either in or your out,but you cant have it both ways.Paying will probably push any feelings of guilt aside,but one day this child will go in search for you,and it will be to know why you didnt love him/her.thats the main problem here.Grow up,i had to do it at 16,and looking back now i wouldnt change a thing.

I cant tell you how much I agree with this. The child support but no contact makes them think they have been let off the moral hook and it holds a symbolic value which allows them to think they are not so bad.

The Corinthian

Stu77 wrote: »

994, the point is thats its too easy for men to walk away. I've seen it with blokes i know, some of them have kids for different women and they still continue to sleep around with the chance that they might get someone else pregnant and bring another kid into the world that they've no interest in rearing.

I don't think that is fair or true to suggest that it is easy, at least for the majority of men in that situation. It also ignores those women who find it easy to have abortions, time and time again.

Yeah, it takes two to make a baby but the vast majority of women will take on the responsibility of rearing the child as opposed to burying their head in the sand.

Do you actually have any evidence to back up this claim?

So any unplanned pregnancy gives the man the right to walk away, is that what your saying? Bollox to that.

No, but the fact remains that while there are consequences to an unplanned pregnancy, parenthood is not one of them unless chosen by the mother. Don't confuse pregnancy with parenthood.

You may not like to be reminded of this fact, and prefer it brushed under the carpet, but that is the reality of the situation.

eviltwin wrote: »

What about the rights and choices of the CHILD in all of this to know where he or she came from?

So you oppose adoption?

omahaid

I was in that position. Teenage parents, she 17 me 18. 12 years later, we're getting married in a few months, daughter is nearly 11, in fifth class (I think :eek::D). I'm the first to emphasize the great benefits of being a dad and the joy it brings. But on the flip side, we accept it from a woman if she says she is not ready to bring a child into the world in her teens or if she chooses to give it up for adoption. Why do men have less rights when it comes to choice? What if the father is not ready to be a dad?

To the OP, wait till the child is born and decide then, it's impossible to know how you will feel when you first see the child, things can change a lot. But if you still dont want to be a father then I dont think you should be forced to be a parent. But of course, you are still liable for maintenance

LegacyUser

op here again. Thanks for all the responses. I've thought a lot about what I'm going to do over the last few days. My first post was prompted because my ex had called to ask if I'd like to go with her to the ultrascan (she's 5 months in). She wasn't putting any pressure on me, but just wanted me to feel included.

I didn't expect much from this and almost didn't go, but I glad I did. I didn't expect to get so emotional. The little creature on the screen looked so helpless. It was very effecting, like I was standing out side my own body. Reading my first post again I sound like a total w**nker (sorry) and I've got a lot to learn. I think I was trying to bury my head instead of face things.

I want to be part the this babies live now. Even if it's just one day in a month. I just feel a little scared. I don't think I'm much of a role model for anyone.

The Corinthian

Happy ending. Good to hear OP.

Stu77

Fair Play to you for going to the Ultrascan. When the baby is born and you see how helpless they are you'll probably want to do everything you can to make sure the baby is looked after. Just don't be so quick to dismiss the idea of being in the babies life until you've held your child in your arms. You might bond straight away and have a totally different outlook on things.

Look, i live in a fairly rough neighbourhood with a lot of single mothers trying to raise their kids without the father on the scene and a lot of these kids/teenagers have behaviour problems. Antisocial behaviour and lack of respect for elders being just two of them. This in my opinion is primarily because they don't have a male role model in their life guiding them. I'd love to know how the fathers of these children can look themselves in the mirror every morning.

One of my uncles has 6 kids. Hes in his 50's now and only has contact with the 2 eldest because he was living with them and rearing them until his marriage broke up. My uncle has also had his own problems with alcohol to deal with as well. He then had 4 kids with another women but walked out on her and blanked his 4 youngest as well. The younger kids are involved in all sorts of antisocial behaviour from what i've heard but the 2 eldest while far from perfect are doing ok and making a life for themselves.

I know this is only one family situation but you can see how the younger kids have been affected. While my uncle was getting his own head straight, he completely blanked his 4 youngest children and has never got back in contact with them nor does he have any interest in getting back into their lives. Very sad situation.

metrovelvet

Dont be surprised if you dont bond immediately or that it takes time. It takes a long time and work with the baby. It hink this magic instant bond myth does more damage in its frustrating new parents.

Its normal if you dont feel it immediately. It takes time. Its kind of like gardenning. It takes a lot of hard work before you feel the bloom.

So dont run if you feel intimidated.

magneticimpulse

i was shocked when i 1st read this thread and then saw the op went to the ultrasound. i was delighted to hear that. i dont think anybody is ever prepared for parenthood. ive not had kids myself and the whole idea terrifies me, and i think thats why its important to have the father and mother of the child involved. i think its such a wonderful thing to have a child and it saddens me that people could just walk away. you dont get instructions to live your own life and a baby doesnt come with instructions either. but with your experiences and what you have learnt you can pass that knowledge onto the kid. you do have value to give to your child. you can teach it to walk, to cycle, to play football, go to football matches, paint, play computer games. there will be hard times, but i think watching the child grow will be great and knowing that you were there to be a part of it. parenting is regardless of age, i dont think its easy for anyone, but it makes life that bit more interesting and rewarding

Darthhoob

me_me_me? wrote: »

op here again. Thanks for all the responses. I've thought a lot about what I'm going to do over the last few days. My first post was prompted because my ex had called to ask if I'd like to go with her to the ultrascan (she's 5 months in). She wasn't putting any pressure on me, but just wanted me to feel included.

I didn't expect much from this and almost didn't go, but I glad I did. I didn't expect to get so emotional. The little creature on the screen looked so helpless. It was very effecting, like I was standing out side my own body. Reading my first post again I sound like a total w**nker (sorry) and I've got a lot to learn. I think I was trying to bury my head instead of face things.

I want to be part the this babies live now. Even if it's just one day in a month. I just feel a little scared. I don't think I'm much of a role model for anyone.

awwwwwwwww

you are by no means alone, it's damn scarey for alot of people! especially men i find (though count yaselves lucky ya dont have to push it out lol). my OH was pleased as punch when we found out we were expecting our first baby together..it was planned and took 18 months to happen. but he was still absolutely terrified! he was already a dad to my eldest since he was 18 months old...so i couldn't see why he was so scared at the time. it's hard to explain in this post but basically he didn't realise he WAS a dad already (albeit not biologically) all those fears about is baby going to be ok, is it going to turn out like him (who was the black sheep) how is he going to cope, it's a scarey scarey time.

it does sort itself out if you let it though noone comes with a manual it is all down to trial and error.

Darthhoob

metrovelvet wrote: »

Dont be surprised if you dont bond immediately or that it takes time. It takes a long time and work with the baby. It hink this magic instant bond myth does more damage in its frustrating new parents.

Its normal if you dont feel it immediately. It takes time. Its kind of like gardenning. It takes a lot of hard work before you feel the bloom.

So dont run if you feel intimidated.

i agree with you there. i didn't really bond with my youngest till he started smiling and laughing and basically interacting. although i loved him i didn't enjoy him much till a couple of months old lol. i think that could be even truer for men as...well...newborn babies are not exactly fun to begin with

metrovelvet

Darthhoob wrote: »

i agree with you there. i didn't really bond with my youngest till he started smiling and laughing and basically interacting. although i loved him i didn't enjoy him much till a couple of months old lol. i think that could be even truer for men as...well...newborn babies are not exactly fun to begin with

Lol. No.It has all the elements of torture, no time to eat,chronic sleep deprivation and constant demand.

It took me way longer than that. I think though, because I was completely on my own 24/7 with the child [and pretty much still am] the lack of support actively interfered with my ability to bond. Who can enjoy anything when they are that exhausted. I remember being so tired at one point I had no idea how I was going to pick up the baby.

I better stop before OP changes his mind again!

It is a christening by fire -i wont lie to you but its very important that you are there. The deep bonding for the CHILD happens in the first few months. You dont want to miss that boat. It doesnt come back.

martdalto

metrovelvet wrote: »

Dont be surprised if you dont bond immediately or that it takes time.

This was the best bit of advice given to me by a friend when I was pregnant. She told me not to expect to feel the rush of love.. she said when her son was born, she liked him, she was happy he was safe and ok, but she didn't feel that rush. When her son was 12 days old, she said she was sitting in the car holding him on her lap (days before compulsary carseats!!) and she just burst into tears with the overwhelming feeling of love!

When my son was born it was almost exactly as she told me.. but had she not told me, I would have felt like a failure when I didn't instantly feel the "rush of love" and the bond. My son was about 10 days old, when I was sitting at home with him on my lap. My husband walked into the room and I had tears streaming down my face. I couldn't even speak. I, eventually, got myself together and managed to say that I couldn't believe how lucky we were to have him. He was perfect, I loved him with every inch of my body...

AND... I knew I was normal!

I think for men, it can sometimes take a bit longer. It can happen immediately, but it can sometimes take until the baby is responding and laughing, and gurrgling (or possibly even walking and talking!) before a dad feels involved and needed in a babies life.

As metrovelvet says, it's a slow process.. but definitely worth the rewards at the end.

Well done OP, carry on as you are, and your baby will think you are the best dad EVER!

eviltwin

Thanks for keeping us updated OP

I'm so glad you are starting to have a change of heart. As a lot of people have said the emotional bond isnt always instant with a baby, it can take time.

It took me ages to bond with my daughter after she was born. Its nothing to be ashamed of, its different for everyone. Guess what? All parents have days when they wish they had never had kids and I dont think that changes. Of course no one ever tells you that but welcome to the world of being a parent !!!

Everyone feels scared. I'm 32 and I've done the parenting thing before but I'm still having kittens at the thoughts of having a new baby in a few weeks!! My husband is the same and he's nearly 40! It is a huge responsibility but you find your way..just dont overthink it too much, let you natural instinct come out on its own. Might take a while but its in there and your not alone - lean on your family and friends, thats what they are there for.

The most important thing for your child is that you are there. You dont have to be some amazing role model - your kids still think you're a superhero no matter what. You dont have to be the best dad in the world, you just have to be good enough for your kid and if you feel this way now at a scan thats a really really good sign.

Klingon Hamlet

Just wanted to say fair play to you OP. It's completely natural to be frightened of parenthood, but I guarantee the second you lock eyes with your little baby, your heart will melt and you'll love them forever:)

Best of luck OP, you'll be a great dad