So I'm not getting married anymore.

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this since I have been posting so much about the 'amazing' and 'wonderful' man I was to marry in a fortnight.
It ended with him coming in from work and 15minutes later he was gone....all his things moved out. I didnt even ask him why, didnt ask him to stay...nothing.....
i did however help him pack.
Found out afterwards that he has been cheating on me for months and months. Had been on a website meeting random men for sex and also seeing numerous women too.
I trusted him completely, he worked away 3-4 nights a week.

I found out a week ago today......I havent cried for more than a minute at any time.
Any suspictions i had were put down to the trust issues he said i had and that i needed to get over for us to work!!!!!! I convinced myself that it was me who was imagining things...me who was looking for things that werent there.

My child is devastated...his kids are refusing to speak to him. They still contact me daily.
The eldest found out about the men and i;ve since found out from her that that is what broke his last relationship up. I have no problem if a man is what he wants...but to what now seems that apparently he drags women along for the ride and leaves families in shatters.

I loved him.....I;d have done anything to make him happy.
But what now?????? How can I ever trust anyone again??????

Has anyone ever been through something like this?
right up to the day before he was actively helping with the wedding. his brother and father had been for their suit fittings only 3 days beforehand!

I am numb...in shock....
I cant get my head round the fact he strung me along, lying to my face....telling me i was his world, i was everything to him, that being a family was the most important thing to him.

LegacyUser

Cheated....

I am sorry for you............I won't even pretend to ask you to get over it...my supposedly wonderful man left me as yours did even though there was another woman not any men. He married this lady on the same day exactly 4 weeks after we were meant to have our day.

To say I was devasted would be to lie. I loved him........and know how awful you must feel.

Don't fight the hurt or the pain...I tried to put a brave face and became suicidal...please try not to go there. It will hurt, and it will feel like you've lost a part of you but let it out.......scream if you have to (I used to buy cheap dishes from a charity shop and break them in the garden when I felt bad :-)

You may never get over the loss of your innocence and trust but you WILL get over this man. He wasn't the right person for you and you have been betrayed but you will find love again.

I can only tell you from my own experience that you need someone to talk to, and i don't mean just those who support you, i mean someone you can tell absolutely everything to. Don't let it eat you up. I was a mess because I let it fester until I saw my ex for the selfish person he truly was.

You have your children, you will come out of this a different woman...think bent, not broken, and when you have let all the pain and hurt out of your life, you'll be empty and clean again and ready for a good man to love you.

Right now I would say you need to have no contact with this man for a while (if you can). Give yourself space to breathe. I'm sure you're pretty confused, hurt, angry and very much still in love with him. Take the time to put your love and hurt aside to figure out how to heal yourself. The worst is the humiliation...that one lasts a good long while, but not forever. It will get better.

I don't know if this helped, but I hope you feel better just letting it all out....

Offalycool

I'm really sorry for you. I have never experienced anything like this, so I'm not going to pretend that I understand what you must be going through. Nevertheless, I have broken up with somebody who used to be significant in my life recently, and I know that it's a bummer.

You are better off finding out now. No if, and's or but's about it. Just take your time to go through this. I think there are going to be different phases, and you'll just have to work through them as they come. Don't be too hard on yourself (not that you are, but we all do it), it probably has more to do with him when it comes down to it, I mean, he has been the one hiding his feelings, and activities. Talk to friends, and write about how you feel. It's going to be rough for a bit, but think about your kid and keep it together for him.

writestoomuch

Oh you poor, poor thing. This is a terrible experience for anyone to have to go through. This is a level of betrayal of trust I can barely even imagine, and it sounds like you had a very lucky escape getting away from this man before getting trapped into marriage with him.

I have never been through anything as bad as this, but I have been cheated on and lied to by a long term partner. I know it sounds a bit touchy-feely, but in my case what really helped with the early stages of moving on was to talk it all out. Hearing from my ex the details of what he did and why and being allowed to get properly angry at him helped a lot with closure. In my case, though, he was a decent guy who felt awful about what he did and was willing to go out of his way to help me deal with it. Sounds like your ex was a habitual liar and cheat, who presumably didn't feel a whole lot of remorse for his actions, so I'm not sure if something like this would work for you...

I wish I could offer better advice than this. You hang in there girl. It'll be tough, and like this poster above said, there will be a lot of different stages of grieving and anger, but getting away from a man who treated you like this can only be a good thing in the end.

Peggypeg

You poor woman, seriously that is just awful, thank god you weren't married at least now you're not tied to a lying, cheating scumbag, seriously sweetie you got a lucky escape there. It is going to be tough and **** for a while but you have a kid and you're not the bad person here. He is. This sounds like something that will take time to recover from but you will, I would much rather be in your position than his. He is going to end up a very very very lonely man, his kids won't stand by him forever with that behaviour, he sounds like a sex addict to be honest, he will tear every relationship to shreds.

I just feel so sorry for you, don't feel humilated, it's him that should be humiliated not you, you did nothing wrong. Try to be really good to yourself for the next while, could you go on a little holiday with your kid? I don't know sweetie but if it was me I'd be surrounding myself with friends and family. This really is a hard one.

Big BIG Hugs.

Wibbs

it gets better wrote: »

Cheated....

I am sorry for you............I won't even pretend to ask you to get over it...my supposedly wonderful man left me as yours did even though there was another woman not any men. He married this lady on the same day exactly 4 weeks after we were meant to have our day.

To say I was devasted would be to lie. I loved him........and know how awful you must feel.

Don't fight the hurt or the pain...I tried to put a brave face and became suicidal...please try not to go there. It will hurt, and it will feel like you've lost a part of you but let it out.......scream if you have to (I used to buy cheap dishes from a charity shop and break them in the garden when I felt bad :-)

You may never get over the loss of your innocence and trust but you WILL get over this man. He wasn't the right person for you and you have been betrayed but you will find love again.

I can only tell you from my own experience that you need someone to talk to, and i don't mean just those who support you, i mean someone you can tell absolutely everything to. Don't let it eat you up. I was a mess because I let it fester until I saw my ex for the selfish person he truly was.

You have your children, you will come out of this a different woman...think bent, not broken, and when you have let all the pain and hurt out of your life, you'll be empty and clean again and ready for a good man to love you.

Right now I would say you need to have no contact with this man for a while (if you can). Give yourself space to breathe. I'm sure you're pretty confused, hurt, angry and very much still in love with him. Take the time to put your love and hurt aside to figure out how to heal yourself. The worst is the humiliation...that one lasts a good long while, but not forever. It will get better.

I don't know if this helped, but I hope you feel better just letting it all out....

Bloody great post from it gets better. Don't let this fester in you. Yes you need time to grieve, god do you need to, but try and not stretch that out until it gets on top of you. Talk to someone, I'd even say a professional.

Jesus what a sorry excuse for humanity he is. I know , I know he's a person too and sexually confused blah blah and yes there are usually two sides to a story, but no, I can see no excuse for his actions. Some people are just bad news. No amount of understanding can cover it.

I know its hard for you now. Unbelievably so, but please take comfort from the fact that you saw this "man" for what he is, before you married him. Around here there are lots of men and women that have dodged a bullet, you have dodged a ballistic missile.

ash23

Almost 18 months ago, my partner of 6 years who I had been with since I was 19, came home and told me "it wasn't working".

Like you, for about a year before hand I had suspicions which he dismissed as me being paranoid and over reacting and not being able to trust. Funny that I had always trusted him until he started cheating :rolleyes:

Of course he denied cheating and we struggled on for a year or so. He still maintained that nothing had happened between him and this girl, even though he broke up with me on the friday and met her for drinks on the saturday. :rolleyes:

Like you, I was devestated. I felt such a fool which looking back, was ridiculous. I had done nothing wrong other than love and trust someone who didn't deserve it.

I leaned heavily on my family who were amazing. I have a daughter too, who he helped me raise, who called him daddy. She was distraught.
At least your ex left. Mine made me move out with my child :rolleyes:


I didn't cry much to be honest.I was in shock for the first while. I veered between total numbness, elation that I wasnt imagining things and total and utter dispair (which was when I cried). I felt sick all the time, my confidence was shot to bits and I felt totally lost.
I didnt know who I was without him.
And I blamed myself. Mainly because he blamed me. I thought he was faultless and it must be my fault. I wanted to get married and have kids and he didn't. What sort of monster was I? lol.

After a few weeks the anger kicked in. Man was I ANGRY. As hell. How could he have strung me along, how DARE he waste my time while trying to figure out what he wanted, how DARE he hurt my child. I wanted him to burn in hell. I wished him dead which is so unlike me. I'm very passive usually. I was sick with anger. But the anger helped in a way. It made me stop looking at him like he was faultless. Along with the cheating (like that wasn't bad enough), I began to think of all the other things. The lack of respect for my opinions and beliefs, the way he had no time for my family, the lack of romance, oh, loads and loads of things.

And that passed too.

Then came the "man, I'm lucky!" phase.
I realised that I'd had a lucky escape. We had been talking weddings and been trying for another baby. What if I'd gotten pregnant. Either he'd have left me and I'd be raising two kids alone, or he'd have stayed for the sake of the baby, continued cheating and we'd all have been miserable. Neither option is what I want for myself so I began to be grateful that he had left when he did. He was still a stupid baxtard and I was still hurt and sore but I looked on the bright side. At least he left while I had a chance at happiness again.

I'd love to say that 18 months on I've met the love of my life and i'm blissfully happy and that he is homeless and miserable and begging to have me back. But this is real life. I'm single, he's loved up and happy with the girl he left me for. But I am blissfully happy. Honestly.

I do have hope that I'll meet my Mr Right and be happier than I thought possible. In the meantime, I'm happy out. I've good friends, a great social life, a wonderful family, a happy and healthy daughter and I had none of that when I was with him (at the end). I wasn't happy. I was worried. All the time. I carried a weight and every time I went home for the weekend I was afraid he would cheat so I stopped going. Every time he took a call in another room I felt sick. Nobody should have to live like that.

Will I trust again? Yeah, I think so. I might be more cynical, a bit harder, a bit less naive. But I still think that people are essentially good. And I also think I'm more worthy now. I never felt good enough for him. But I was. More than good enough. I am strong, independant, loyal, bubbly, loving, affectionate. I'm goddamn wonderful and some lucky bloke will treat me the way I deserve, the way I treat people in relationships. And I also know now that I can do it. I can be alone. And I can be happier alone than I ever could be in a relationship that was one without trust and respect.


You deserve more. You really do. You are heartbroken and upset and shocked. You will waste many hours thinking and thinking of him and what he has done. You will shed many tears and break many things lol. But I promise you, it will pass. It will get easier and there will come a time when you look back and are grateful that he ended it before you got married.
And you will be happy again. Trust me, you will.

LegacyUser

Don't mean at all to be an insensitive b****d and it's probably the last thing on your mind right now but OP you should get yourself to an STD clinic ASAP.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

Almost 18 months ago...
...Trust me, you will.

inspirational stuff there ash, someone left me recently and i'm messed up over it (see my whiney thread called "looks like it's over"). But yes you just have to get on with it and realise that you would still be with this person if they were genuine and really loved you. It's hard to take but i'm hoping in time i wont have any regrets.

ash23

Nobody wants to hear that it takes time. Because that sucks. That whole "working through the pain". Eh, no thanks. I want it to be over now please!!!!

But alas, it takes time. It varies from person to person. I found the 12 month mark a real turning point for me.

But take it in baby steps. Think of it in days. Every day you get through is great

Soon you'll find the weeks are going by, then the months and before you know it, it just doesn't hurt as much and it's more normal to not be with them than it is to think of being with them. Your life changes and the world goes on and I think in most cases people learn a lot and make changes to themselves and their lives for the better.

opinion guy

ash23 wrote: »

Nobody wants to hear that it takes time. Because that sucks. That whole "working through the pain". Eh, no thanks. I want it to be over now please!!!!

+1. i think we are all to used to instant gratification these days. Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes its supposed to hurt. Sometimes we just have to bear it and be patient. But generally I find people don't want to know. There's sort of an unwritten rule to be happy all the time. People don't want to know about depressing things

ash23

opinion guy wrote: »

But generally I find people don't want to know. There's sort of an unwritten rule to be happy all the time. People don't want to know about depressing things

Hmmm, gotta say, I didn't find that at all. I found people to be brilliant. My family, my friends, the girls in work.....everyone was kind and nice and supportive. Maybe it's a gender thing?

BraziliaNZ

ash23 wrote: »

Hmmm, gotta say, I didn't find that at all. I found people to be brilliant. My family, my friends, the girls in work.....everyone was kind and nice and supportive. Maybe it's a gender thing?

i'd say it is a gender thing, I recently broke up with someone and was talking to probably my easiest to talk to mate about it a few times when we were out on Saturday, and after a while they do get fed up hearing it. With men anyway, who have been through this stuff before, it's usually a case of telling your friend to get the f*ck on with it and grow a pair.

nodirectionhome

Wow I'm so sorry to hear what an awful time you have had. I have recently left someone who I knew was cheating, and tho I knew I was doing the right thing it still killed me, hindered also by him saying I was jealous and paranoid etc, but I wasn't- it was a reaction to bad behaviour.

I'll be honest, though time does help, you still have bad days where you feel like youre going mental. But you will get through it. Talk to friends, write down your feelings, post here, be good to yourself, spend time with people you love. I hope you start to heal soon

Moomoo1

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

i'd say it is a gender thing, I recently broke up with someone and was talking to probably my easiest to talk to mate about it a few times when we were out on Saturday, and after a while they do get fed up hearing it. With men anyway, who have been through this stuff before, it's usually a case of telling your friend to get the f*ck on with it and grow a pair.

this is what female friends are for ;-)

opinion guy

ash23 wrote: »

Hmmm, gotta say, I didn't find that at all. I found people to be brilliant. My family, my friends, the girls in work.....everyone was kind and nice and supportive. Maybe it's a gender thing?

Hmm ok I'll take ur point that people were there for you. I don't really think its a gender thing. Honestly counter to cliche I often find men to be better listeners than women. Hmmm but I think maybe it depends on the nature of your troubles. People understand a breakup. Things people don't understand they don't like listening you. Also i think people have a built in time/volume limit for stuff they will listen up.


But we risk getting off topic. OP I'm very sorry for your hurt. I don't think I can help you much apart from spinning and old cliche: Time is a healer

LegacyUser

I have to say that as time goes by it is getting harder and harder.....I spent the last week with my family. last night was my first night in my own house. its harder now.
Going to stay with family for the weekend. Dreading next week when me son goes back to school. Been desperately trying to organise things to occupy my time.

I have been contacted by the guy he was actually seeing when I met him, they fell out when he found out my ex had asked me to marry me. theyd still been meeting up once or twice a week til that point!!!!!!!
also found out that his ex girlfriend that he broke up with for me(i hadnt done anything with him til they split...i told him i;d never be the other woman) is back on the scene, eventhough he was cheating on her with this bloke too.

i have told my family he was seeing men.....nobody coudl see that coming....he;s such a flirt and women love him. He;s also such a manly man too. even my gays friends didnt even get a hint that he was into men.

I feel like i just want to talk and talk, tell everyone the bulls**t he said to me everyday.
everyone used to comment about how obvious it was that he loved me.
Only so long everyone will want to hear about this.

opinion guy

cheated wrote: »

I have been contacted by the guy he was actually seeing when I met him, they fell out when he found out my ex had asked me to marry me. theyd still been meeting up once or twice a week til that point!!!!!!!
also found out that his ex girlfriend that he broke up with for me(i hadnt done anything with him til they split...i told him i;d never be the other woman) is back on the scene, eventhough he was cheating on her with this bloke too.

wow he's a piece of work. Glad u got rid of him.

I feel like i just want to talk and talk, tell everyone the bulls**t he said to me everyday.

just don't hold on to the bitterness. take the high road. tell who you need to tell and then don't give him anymore of your time or energy

everyone used to comment about how obvious it was that he loved me.
Only so long everyone will want to hear about this.

For what its worth, he probably did love you......at least his version of love. He's clearly a bit messed up, needs to grow up and is a user. He's probably not able to love in the same way a grown up is.

ash23

Well, in my opinion you're starting on the right footing. Keep busy and stay busy. If you know you're going to be alone then arrange to go somewhere or have someone over.
I visited my family every weekend for months. Either they came to me or I went to them. For months after we split on the nights my daughter stayed with him I had to make sure to go somewhere or do something.
It was such an achievement for me to begin staying in on my own and enjoying it rather than wallowing.
Rally your mates and your family. Talk the ears off them. Tell them all the things he said to you, talk it out, get it all straight in your own head. Don't go to anyone who is too opinionated. What you need is someone who will tell you how wonderful you are and who will just let you ramble on for as long as you want, who will let you talk yourself out.

There will come a time where you will realise people no longer want to listen. Usually in a few months. They'll change the subject when you bring him up. read the signs. And take it on board. When I noticed this I made a concentrated effort to stop talking about him. Hell, even I was bored of listening to me!
If you tone it down then they will be all there to listen again when you actually need them. It's not a bad thing that they get bored. Just a gentle reminder that it's time to start getting over it. Like I said, that months away.

Everyone is different. What worked for me was talking and keeping busy and making sure to go out once a week at least.
A few kisses did no harm for the self confidence either.
But that is just me. Thats what worked for me. You've got to find your "thing", the thing that helps you get through one week and then another and another.
A friend of mine used to go for a facial, mani and pedi every saturday. That was her thing. Another went to a new town every weekend camping.

Suss out what way you want to keep busy and do it. It won't take the pain away. It won't help the heartache. But it will stop you from dwelling as much. And it will give you something to look forward to. A little light at the tunnel of every week.