Long Term Relationships

annejohn91

this thread is probably somewhere here put i just thought id ask for some advice..

okay well I'm 18 years old and been going out with my bf for about a year and a half and its very serious, he was my first for everything, kiss, bf, etc etc. He is the only one i have ever been with and sometimes i wonder in years to come i will regret just being with him and not being with others because i cant compare him to anyone else, relationship wise

like we talk about moving out, kids etc. Im only 18 and i never thought i would be settling down at such a young age, i love him with all my heart and i do want to have kids with him but sometimes i see my friends going out on the weekend and just having a great time with no worries about what they do. i do be jealous but then other times i feel blessed that i have him and my friends are just meeting randomers
is there anyone thats going through the same situation or has before i just need some advice, should i break up or stay with him,....

minidazzler

That's a question for yourself really, we don't know every aspect of your relationship.

But you did basically say yourself you might end up resenting him (paraphrasing here), if it's only him you are with for the rest of your life.

You have YEARS left to have kids, why are ye even discussing it now/?? Are either of ye in the correct financial situation to handle such a responsibility?

Are you going to college or some such?

My advice is to not break up, but not put your life on hold so you can become a housewife by the time you are 20. Live your life, enjoy it, you only get one.

You can go out at the weekend, you just don't have to kiss random fella's,

NothingMan

I think that the most important thing is being happy. I have only slept with my girlfriend, although I did have a few others when I was younger, and I have had those feelings before, but when I realise that I am happier than most of my single friends you realise that multiple partners won't neccessarily make you happy.

I do understand the argument of how do you know you're not missing out. Well as long as you're happy then does it matter that you may be missing out on a fling with some guy in a night club. No, it certainly doesn't.

Then again if you's want more experience, why not try swinging.

kardarie

I can sort of relate what you are thinking. I like you have been with the same fellow for almost 11 years. Starting dating at 17. Not first kiss but everying else. At times i used to wonder the same but then my friends say to me im so lucky to be in a relationship. We have since built a house, had a child and are very happy.

One think that i try and do on a regular basis is go out with the girls and let my hair down and he does the same with the boys. At least this way you can go out have fun and still have someone to come home to. To be honest with ya go with what your heart is telling you. No one can tell you what to do. Only you know. If it feels right then stick with it.

At the end of the day you are only young and these things will work themselves out in the end. They always do.

annejohn91

No we wouldn't be able to support the child yet, im only in college and he is only working part time, i dont want to rush into things either like i want to wait a good few years until i do have kids.

and then sometimes i feel that he might feel the same way, i asked him before and he said im the only he ever wants to be with.. but he says that now and he also has been with a few girls before me so he already knows what its like.

and i definitely wouldn't try swinging.. NO NO :P

awh soo confused with it all

Novella

I don't think anyone here can really say to you, "Yeah, you should break up with him", or, "No, you should be together". Also, whether to stay in a relationship or not really needs to come from your own heart, in order for you to be happy. Only you can know what you really want.

Eighteen is young to be in a serious relationship, but a lot of people are at that age. I have had two "proper" boyfriends in my life and I'm twenty. Both of these relationships lasted about two years and I don't feel I missed anything by being in them, nor do I regret them.

I have been single for the last year or so and have to admit, have really enjoyed myself, much more than when I've had boyfriends. I ended things with my last boyfriend because I felt like I was being tied down and nothing was about just me anymore, it was very suffocating and I couldn't handle it. I haven't looked back since.

If you are having doubts about your relationship with your boyfriend, maybe you should talk to him about it? Being open and honest in a relationship is generally key to it working out and perhaps if you aired your feelings with him, you'd know what you want to do.

You say your friends go out etc. Do you not? Just because you have a steady boyfriend doesn't mean that you can't go out with your friends who are single. I made the mistake of spending the majority of my time with my boyfriend when I was younger so make sure you don't do this as often, this is what leads you to thinking your friends are having more fun. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you have to sit in on a Saturday night watching a dvd! Maybe that's what the problem is.

Anyway, I think I'm rambling now but basically my point was, only you can know what is gonna work out best for you in the long run. If you look in Personal Issues, there are a lot of threads like this one, so you might be able to get some of the opinions you are looking for there. Best of luck, OP, hope whichever route you take works out.

NothingMan

annejohn91 wrote: »

No we wouldn't be able to support the child yet, im only in college and he is only working part time, i dont want to rush into things either like i want to wait a good few years until i do have kids.

and then sometimes i feel that he might feel the same way, i asked him before and he said im the only he ever wants to be with.. but he says that now and he also has been with a few girls before me so he already knows what its like.

and i definitely wouldn't try swinging.. NO NO :P

awh soo confused with it all

It sounds like you are pretty happy together so I wouldn't break up with him just on the basis of never being with another guy. If you feel you would generally benifit from more life/relationship experience then think it through fully before doing something that may not be able to be undone.

Everyone in this kind of situation will feel like this. Some will break up, some will work through it. There's no right or wrong definitive answer. I had a small break up early this year because of these feelings and I realised after a few weeks apart (Without kissing anyone else) How perfect my OH was for me. Luckily we were able to work through it and get back together and I have never been happier.

Sometimes it does take letting someone go to know that they're the right one.

annejohn91

ha funny enough thats exactly what i do, i go to college and work part time and when im not doing those things im with my bf, i turned 18 2 months ago and i haven't gone out yet.. my garda id is just lying there on the counter

but for some reason i always want to spend them with him rather than going out so in a way im contradicting myself. he always says go out but when i know he is at home, i just want to stay in with him and just watch a dvd.. like all the time :P

everyone says we spend too much time together and i know we do but i just rather hang out with him instead of my friends.

and i know this is a problem but i don't know how to distance myself from him.

annejohn91

NothingMan wrote: »

Sometimes it does take letting someone go to know that they're the right one.

so true

Cows Go µ

I know its hard, but you really should go out with your friends as well. I'm the same, there is nothing that I would rather do than to sit in and have a quiet night with my boyfriend. We did it constantly last year, I barely saw my friends at all and spent my time with him (in fairness, I had a fight with a friend and was really sick at the time) but this year I have made a point to see my friends as much as I can. Not that I don't see my boyfriend loads, I just make an effort to see other people too. Our relationship is way healthier now and I appreciate being around him so much more. I'm also enjoying life a lot more, probably because its a bit more varied.

minidazzler

annejohn91 wrote: »

ha funny enough thats exactly what i do, i go to college and work part time and when im not doing those things im with my bf, i turned 18 2 months ago and i haven't gone out yet.. my garda id is just lying there on the counter

but for some reason i always want to spend them with him rather than going out so in a way im contradicting myself. he always says go out but when i know he is at home, i just want to stay in with him and just watch a dvd.. like all the time :P

everyone says we spend too much time together and i know we do but i just rather hang out with him instead of my friends.

and i know this is a problem but i don't know how to distance myself from him.

See therein lies a problem. If ye do end up breaking up are you planning on going straight back to your friends? They will resent this, you need to make time for ALL aspects of your life.

If you spend all your time with your BF then you are alienating yourself from everyone else.

Next day your friends are going out to a club or whatever, go with them, have a few drinks, have a few girly laughs. AND DON'T BE TEXTING YOUR BF.

I am dead serious about the last point, don't be texting him at all, not even if he texts you!!!

You have been with him since you were 16, you don't know he's what you want, you know he's what you have and that you are comfortable.

You are living a Devil you know life.

You need to enjoy your youth while you have it. Build memories that don't involve your BF, because otherwise you will wake up one day and wonder how all the time went so fast. You will have no markers in between that show you that time didn't go that fast, that you actually did enjoy yourself.

Novella

annejohn91 wrote: »

ha funny enough thats exactly what i do, i go to college and work part time and when im not doing those things im with my bf, i turned 18 2 months ago and i haven't gone out yet.. my garda id is just lying there on the counter

but for some reason i always want to spend them with him rather than going out so in a way im contradicting myself. he always says go out but when i know he is at home, i just want to stay in with him and just watch a dvd.. like all the time :P

everyone says we spend too much time together and i know we do but i just rather hang out with him instead of my friends.

and i know this is a problem but i don't know how to distance myself from him.

Haha, you are just another me! :P

I never did anything with my friends when I was with my last boyfriend, gonna call him Mister X! He dropped out of college and I ended up doing the same just so we could spend more time together. It was honestly the worst time of my life. We just sat around all the time, watching movies and I pretty much excluded everyone else from my life.

I was in my first year of college, had just moved outta home and had all this new freedom but all I did was stay in. My friends would ask me to go out or even just grab some lunch or whatever with 'em. My reply was always, "Sorry, I have plans with Mister X, another time!". Eventually, they stopped asking.

I got a wake up call when I found out I was pregnant though. The thought of being forever attached to him, properly tied down etc, TERRIFIED me. I was only seventeen and I suddenly realised that there were so many things I wanted to do that I'd just been ignoring to be with a guy. I was petrified.

I understand that you want to spend time with your boyfriend but you really need to see your friends too and include them in your life. You don't want things to end with your boyfriend and suddenly be hit with the realisation that you have no friends anymore. It's all about a healthy balance, ya know.

The fact you wanna be with your boyfriend so much though indicates that you really do like him, so why break up with him?! If you feel you're missing out on fun with your friends, just arrange one night a week that is for the girls. Go to dinner together or see a movie or whatever!

annejohn91

the thing is i would have to text him or else he will assume something is up .. he says he would ask me every little detail if i go out

are all fellas like that . if your gf went out would you ask her every little detail ??
i think he is saying this because he isn't used to me going out clubbing or whatever
or he just doesn't trust me
god i must be the weirdest 18 year old, haven't even gone out yet since i turned 18

Faith

What do you think you're missing out on?

I was single for years and I hated it. It was crap. I was lonely, and so jealous of my friends who were in relationships. Meeting guys who never call or have any interest in anything more than sex gets pretty soul-destroying after a while. I've been going out with my boyfriend for over a year now and I've literally never been happier. Like you, I'd far prefer to stay in and watch a DVD with him than go out with my friends.

If you're happy, that's all that matters. It's unlikely to get better than you have it now. People can drive themselves crazy with thoughts of what they're supposedly missing out on, but generally they can't actually put their fingers on what it is they think they're missing.

Just because you've been going out for a while doesn't mean you need to start thinking about marriage! My best friend has been going out with her boyfriend since just before she turned 20. She's 23 now. They're perfect for each other, and will get married one day. But she has absolutely no interest in doing it before she's about 28. There's no fixed time line for a relationship. It's not like you HAVE TO get engaged after X number of years. Just take your time and enjoy the ride .

minidazzler

annejohn91 wrote: »

the thing is i would have to text him or else he will assume something is up .. he says he would ask me every little detail if i go out

are all fellas like that . if your gf went out would you ask her every little detail ??
i think he is saying this because he isn't used to me going out clubbing or whatever
or he just doesn't trust me
god i must be the weirdest 18 year old, haven't even gone out yet since i turned 18

No you wouldn't, simply tell him before you go out that you will NOT be texting him. No 2 ways about it. Why doesn't he go out himself with his own friends?

This simple sentence makes him sound like a possessive person.

Whatever happens if you go out with your friends DON'T Text him, your friends won't be happy about it, no matter what they say.

NothingMan

+1 on going out seperatly.

Myself and herself share our main group of friends and we go out and party a lot as a group, but the odd night out seperately is definitely a requiremnt of a long lasting healthy relationship.

And I know when she's out and gets chatted up or dances with some guy she feels more confident and knows she's still got it. Although it does annoy her that I don't get even a little bit jealous. One time I kept sending her the bar cos the barman was giving her some free cocktails! Saved me some money!

Although she is more the jealous type, she doesn't particularly like me going out with one of my old freinds, but I know that girl 6 years longer than her and she's a good friend so that's my GF's problem to overcome.

annejohn91

see we are both very jealous people, i work in a pub and i talk to a lot of people, and he gets very jealous about that. asks if someone chatted me up or whatever and if someone does i always tell him but he gets angry at me for that .. its not my fault. like i wouldn't flirt back with the lads or anything and im not gonna quit my job just cause one or two guys chat me up

but then for me if i notice a new girl adding him on facebook or whatever i get very jealous asking who is that how do you know her etc.. and i dont allow him to talk to his ex even though they were good friends after they broke up
is that wrong of me ??

minidazzler

annejohn91 wrote: »

see we are both very jealous people, i work in a pub and i talk to a lot of people, and he gets very jealous about that. asks if someone chatted me up or whatever and if someone does i always tell him but he gets angry at me for that .. its not my fault. like i wouldn't flirt back with the lads or anything and im not gonna quit my job just cause one or two guys chat me up

but then for me if i notice a new girl adding him on facebook or whatever i get very jealous asking who is that how do you know her etc.. and i dont allow him to talk to his ex even though they were good friends after they broke up
is that wrong of me ??

Yeah it is. Jealousy is healthy in general, but getting jealous over facebook friends and you beeing chatted to in the bar you work in. That's quite sad really.

They both come with the territory.

NothingMan

annejohn91 wrote: »

see we are both very jealous people, i work in a pub and i talk to a lot of people, and he gets very jealous about that. asks if someone chatted me up or whatever and if someone does i always tell him but he gets angry at me for that .. its not my fault. like i wouldn't flirt back with the lads or anything and im not gonna quit my job just cause one or two guys chat me up

but then for me if i notice a new girl adding him on facebook or whatever i get very jealous asking who is that how do you know her etc.. and i dont allow him to talk to his ex even though they were good friends after they broke up
is that wrong of me ??

I think my girlfriend is learning to deal with the jealously because she knows if she ever asked me to choose between her and a friend I will choose the person who isn't making me choose!

I have no problem with my girlfriend getting chatted up, or dancing with a guy when out with the girls. She's a hot girl and it's gonna happen, and as I said it's nice for her to know she still looks good to other guys.

I know she's never gonna cheat, and she can be comfortable flirting because she knows i'm not sitting at home wondering who she's talking to.

annejohn91

i know i went off my first question about long-term relationships and as you have noticed by my postings, i'm really inexperienced with relationships

i feel like the only way i'm going to gain experience is by dating others, like i don't want to go out to night clubs and then have loads of one night stands with strangers, im not that kind of person

im happy at the moment and i know i should just leave it at that but imagine everything is grand for the next 5 years then i have a kid or whatever and then i really start regretting not dating other people

NothingMan

annejohn91 wrote: »

i know i went off my first question about long-term relationships and as you have noticed by my postings, i'm really inexperienced with relationships

i feel like the only way i'm going to gain experience is by dating others, like i don't want to go out to night clubs and then have loads of one night stands with strangers, im not that kind of person

im happy at the moment and i now i should just leave it at that but imagine everything is grand for the next 5 years then i have a kid or whatever and then i really start regretting not dating other people

That could happen, but should you really end a relationship that you are happy in now just because down the line you MIGHT regret it.

Obviously you are having doubts, and nobody here can tell you what's right. But I would certainly first try getting your social life more well rounded before deciding what you're missing out on.

Moomoo1

annejohn91 wrote: »

i know i went off my first question about long-term relationships and as you have noticed by my postings, i'm really inexperienced with relationships

i feel like the only way i'm going to gain experience is by dating others, like i don't want to go out to night clubs and then have loads of one night stands with strangers, im not that kind of person

im happy at the moment and i know i should just leave it at that but imagine everything is grand for the next 5 years then i have a kid or whatever and then i really start regretting not dating other people

hmm, it's difficult to put oneself in your shoes... it could be that it's the modern culture of 'ifyoudidn'tgooutandsleepwith10peoplebythetimeyouare20thenyouhaven'tlived' is ruining your (otherwise perfect) relationship but it also could be that something doesn't satisfy you in your actual relationship.

What is it that you feel you are missing out on? If it's sleeping with different people, then there are clear problems here. If it's everything else, then why not introduce this into your life? One thing you never seem to mention is going places together with you OH - do you actually do this?

krudler

OP its probably just a case of grass is greener, although my cousin went through the exact same thing, first girlfriend turned into a 7 year relationship, were in their mid twenties and both wanted to experience single life, but they both regretted it hugely afterwards, meeting random people is fun at first but it wont ever replace having someone to come home to who loves your and you can depend on , I'd take one happy relationship over a thousand drunk nights kissing other people any day of the week

annejohn91

Moomoo1 wrote: »

is it that you feel you are missing out on? If it's sleeping with different people, then there are clear problems here. If it's everything else, then why not introduce this into your life? One thing you never seem to mention is going places together with you OH - do you actually do this?

no i dont want to sleep around, its more about me having more relationships and not settling with the first one because there could be somewhere better for me, someone thats more my type or whatever

em me and bf would go out for dinner and to see a movie and stuff, we went out clubbing once or twice together while on holidays.. but tbh we mainly just sit in cause we work and go to college so we barely have any energy to go out

annejohn91

the other day my bf suggested that we go away down the country for halloween break, we both got the weekend off and he wanted to stay in a hotel for the weekend but for some reason im afraid to go to a hotel with him, i always worry about what people think of me and him like will people talk about us cause we are going to a hotel

ok i might not be making sense because its hard to explain
i really wanna stay in the hotel because it will be a break but i keep saying no lets just stay at home

why :P

NothingMan

Well you've just turned 18 so it's understandable to be a little worried that your friends will assume what you're up to in a hotel, but at the end of the day (I know it doesn't feel like it) you're an adult now! but a couple who don't live together going away to a hotel for a weekend is a very normal mature adult and fun thing to do.

I can only imagine your friends will be a little jealous if anything, but whatever they think doesn't really matter. You're a grown up now, and as an adult you can enjoy perks like a dirty weekend away. There's plenty of downsides to growing up, so ya gotta enjoy the perks as much as you can!

Moomoo1

annejohn91 wrote: »

no i dont want to sleep around, its more about me having more relationships and not settling with the first one because there could be somewhere better for me, someone thats more my type or whatever

em me and bf would go out for dinner and to see a movie and stuff, we went out clubbing once or twice together while on holidays.. but tbh we mainly just sit in cause we work and go to college so we barely have any energy to go out

aha... so do you think he's not your type? Why's that? As for not having the energy, I know the feeling very very well. But if so, how would you have the energy to go out if you are single? What would change then?

annejohn91 wrote: »

the other day my bf suggested that we go away down the country for halloween break, we both got the weekend off and he wanted to stay in a hotel for the weekend but for some reason im afraid to go to a hotel with him, i always worry about what people think of me and him like will people talk about us cause we are going to a hotel

ok i might not be making sense because its hard to explain
i really wanna stay in the hotel because it will be a break but i keep saying no lets just stay at home

why :P

seriously, a romantic weekend away would do both of you a LOT of good. Staying in and watching DVD's is lovely (very few things beat it), but variety (and change of scene) is essential.

LegacyUser

To be honest the asking you every detail of a night out/jealousy thing does ring small alarm bells for me. It sounds like a lack of trust.. or of both of you putting your all into this relationship and becoming very limited by it.

That doesnt really make much sense.. I'l try again. You say you don't know much about relationships, from what I have experienced the best kind of relationship is one in which you trust each other and respect each other as individuals rather than just each others "Other Half". In other words, both of ye have a full life, with friends that you socialise with separately and hobbies and interests that are you own. Sometimes this doesn't occur naturally, esp in first relationships when your just testing out the boarders that come with love etc. And it has to be developed and worked through.

Many people have serious relationships in their teens and early twenties, its totally normal to fancy someone, get to know them become best friends and fall in love. You might stay together and have kids, you might not. You dont have to make these plans quite yet or for a few decades! There is no panic if you both really are right for each other long term then you will stay together and be happy, if not then time will tell. Hope some of this ramble is helpful!

Speedy2009

Please girl i hear ur story and it reminds me of what used to be my best friend, she started dating a boy and like said above any time i text her to meet up she was busy or wouldnt write back for days. Eventually I lost patience with her (after a LONG time) and now we are no longer friends. I heard that she broke up with her 'amazing' bf after them going out for 4 years and no surprises she had no friends to turn too.
Please don't isolate yourself like that. I am now in a long term relationship, we both have loads of our own friends and shared friends and it is amazing. I'm not missing out on the fun with the girls, yet he is there for me when I need him.
And no ya don't have to tell him every detail. Gradually get him used to u going out and not being at the end of ur phone 24/7, yee will get used to being a little more independent of each other and then when you do see each other ya will have more to talk about etc. After this long he should trust you to go out and not cheat, not just trust you when he has you at home!
Enoy life have fun with your friends and BF, the years will fly by otherwise!