I cant fix this....dont know what to do

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'll try and keep this short but its pretty complicated. Ive been with my fiance for about 10 years now and all was going well until recently despite us breaking up twice in the last few years. Both times I started seeing other people but I always got sense eventually and thankfully she always took me back.
Anyhow, we have been planning the wedding recently (scary) but about 2 months ago I met someone else. It was instant attraction for both of us but neither acted on it immediately as we both knew my situation. I had to be in contact with this girl fairly regurlarly for work so it progressed on from there and we met up a few times and we got a lot closer.
I knew it was wrong at the time and so did she but I couldnt stop.
At this stage im totally crazy about her and im only making things miserable with my fiance. I just cant bring myself to end things with my fiance because ive hurt her before and she doesnt deserve it and everything about the other girl is wrong for me but I still want her so much.
Am I inherrently flawed with regards to relationships? I dont want to be this kinda person and I hate myself for what im doing but I cant help it.
I sometimes think id be better off if I wasnt around and let both of these amazing people get on with their lives.
Its now come to the stage with the new girl that I have to **** or get off the pot but im lost...

yermandan

hlh wrote: »

I sometimes think id be better off if I wasnt around and let both of these amazing people get on with their lives.

What is your issue exactly?? If its about what to do about your fiance then your above quote means you know exactly what to do.

Move on from the inevitable pain that marrying this girl will bring into both of your lives. You are hurting her for sure but why oh why would you want to put yourself through a loveless marraige and all of the suffering that would bring.

Best of luck

seahorse

hlh wrote: »

I dont want to be this kinda person and I hate myself for what im doing but I cant help it.

You can help it. You just don't want to. I don't know what else to say except your fiancee deserves better. Much better.

As for the most recent focus of your ardent desires; she sounds like she deserves exactly what she's getting in you.

Miss Fluff

hlh wrote: »

At this stage im totally crazy about her and im only making things miserable with my fiance. I just cant bring myself to end things with my fiance because ive hurt her before and she doesnt deserve it

Your solution is staring you in the face. You don't want to "hurt" your fiancee by dumping her? To be honest sweetie, I think you would be doing her an absolutely massive favour by doing just that. Don't enter into a loveless marriage and cheat on her and stay with her because you don't want to be the bad guy. You already are the bad guy. If you want to redeem yourself, call off the wedding and break ties with your fiancee so you can let her get on with her life and maybe allow her the chance (when she heals from all of this) to meet someone who actually cares for her. You evidently don't.

kittenkiller

Man up OP.
Break the news sooner rather than later, *that's* the only way you can limit the hurt you're causing to your finance!
Leave it run until the invitations are sent out, the dress is bought, the meal has been selected and not only will she be amazingly hurt but unbelievably embarrassed too.

You've messed her around long enough and now you're cheating on her?
Use the last part of yourself that is capable of caring for someone else to fess up and break up.

Then you both can be free to move on.

cafecolour

I'll second what everyone has said - let the fiance go. Permanently this time.

And you've been with her for 10 years - except for two times you broke up and you went with other people. So have you ever been single? It might be good for you to just be single for a while instead of constantly jumping from partner to partner.

Oh The Humanity

oh! the angst of being you....oh Sophies choice.....yada yada.... fiance cant live without me ....oh insufferable clinging Albatross around my neck ...blah blah....

Met someone else......instant attraction....bad girl....blah couln't help ourselves....

Now terrible consequences....drama.....blah

No OP.

If you don't want to be with your fiance, tell her, there is going to be hurt, so get over it. When you do things there are consequences. You are not God and and you can't undo whats done. Chances are she will be relieved to be rid of you.

Once thats done, give it a go with bad girl, you'll find the unbelievable unique electric passion will die on the vine once its all out in the open.

XarcherX

hlh wrote: »

Hi,
I knew it was wrong at the time and so did she but I couldnt stop.
Am I inherrently flawed with regards to relationships? I dont want to be this kinda person and I hate myself for what im doing but I cant help it.

You could stop and you can help it. There is noone holding a gun to your head.
Excuse the pun OP, from your post your fiance obviously loves you a lot and if she were to find out you're sneaking around behind her back while planning yer wedding it would hurt her a lot more. Maybe it's the thought of lifelong marriage that's freaking you out and making you look elsewhere but if you're still not sure about it after 10 years then it wouldn't be fair to marry your fiance just cos you don't want to hurt her, it's not an easy thing to do but IMHO you should just let her go because even if you haven't done anything physical, you're still emotionally cheating on her which is just as bad.
And i agree with cafecolour, maybe you should try being single for a while and not jumping from one straight into another...

opinion guy

I sometimes think id be better off if I wasnt around and let both of these amazing people get on with their lives.

Ok OP I was all set to be harsh with you until I read this. It seems others are taking this as meaning you would dump both women and all move on seperately. I'm reading it and wondering if this is an expression of depression, thoughts of selfharm and/or suicidal intent. Can you elaborate please cause I don't think I can give you any useful advice til you can clarify this?

iguana

I don't think the OP necessarily doesn't love his fiance. I think going by his history he has a case of "the grass is greener" when it comes to relationships. That said I agree with everyone who says he should just let her go as she deserves better.

pisslips

opinion guy wrote: »

Ok OP I was all set to be harsh with you until I read this. It seems others are taking this as meaning you would dump both women and all move on seperately. I'm reading it and wondering if this is an expression of depression, thoughts of selfharm and/or suicidal intent. Can you elaborate please cause I don't think I can give you any useful advice til you can clarify this?

It looks like a good development to me, it's only by crushing all sense of self pride, that you will lose the lust and figure out what you need and not just what you want.

Sure it's dangerous but if you do leave both and stay alone for some time, you may find some purpose in your life beyond partnership, then once you build yourself back up, you can decide what you need.

It's a bit harsh to critcise him, he is just like 90% of people and hasn't actually slept with this other woman yet, which is good.

The important thing is to remember that people are full of hypocracy and other fallacies. It's only you who can decide what you want you're life to mean or stand for and then look at the decision and see if that fits in with your plan and how it makes you feel. If you continue to look at others, to envy, to lust and to lie. Most of all if you begin lieing to yourself, you will always be stuck in this nightmare behavioural pattern for the rest of you're life. So take control of your behaviour. I'm not saying cheating is right or wrong, that you should be loyal or polygamous, that you love her or not, I'm just saying step back and look at the patterns in your behaviour, write them down, be objective.....if you don't like what you see, how can you break those patterns? It doesn't mean you're good or bad, or you should be guilty or content, it just means you're human. You have control over the situation.

What is said here means nothing, take control of your own decisions.

e04bf099

It's a bit harsh to critcise him, he is just like 90% of people and hasn't actually slept with this other woman yet, which is good.

Wha?? 90% of people seriously consider relations with workmates during a 10 year relationship in which they are planning to get married in 2 months?

It is easy and correct to criticise him. He is just too much of a selfish momma's boy to criticise himself. Get to grips people.

I sometimes think id be better off if I wasnt around and let both of these amazing people get on with their lives.

BS, he is looking for the sympathy card here. There is no way he is depressed, unless the term depression is extended to mean, "unhappy because a person can't have their cake and eat it too."

You should get out of both of their lives, be single for a while, and then decide whether you want a monogemus relationship or polygemus one. If you can make the latter work then good-luck to ya. But do it all out in the open and don't lie to yourself or your partner about it.

What is said here means nothing, take control of your own decisions.

No offence Pisslips, I know you're probably being genuine (or think you are), but it really grinds my gears when people say things like that. And I agree with 90% of what you said.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.
First off thanks to everyone for your replies. Although some were hard to hear its helpful to get opinions from all sides.
I just want to make one or two things a little clearer with regards to some of the posts in reply.
First off I want to make it clear that I love my fiance dearly and I hate myself for what im doing, I dont want to be this type of person who messes girls about and plays with peoples emotions. I want to have the life that my friends have in a happy monogamous relationship but I keep screwing it up and I dont know why. Whats wrong with me? We havent planned our wedding for two months time as one poster suggested, what I said is I met this other girl two months ago. Btw she is really not the bad girl that some of you say she is, hand on heart that is the truth. We havent slept together, in truth we only had one drunken kiss which we both felt bad about after, but there is a genuine huge connection between us and I cant figure out if its just because Im scared of 'eternal marriage' or if I indeed am destined to be with this new girl instead.
Im not playing the sympathy card, pointless as none of you know me or really care if the truth be told. Im trying to paint a true picture of what a mess Im in at the moment and hoping to get some insight into why Im such a total screw up.
As I said, I know that both these girls would be better off if I wasnt around. Period.
I should be so happy with what I have or had, a great girl, nice house, good (but stressful) job and no money worries and I know people do envy what I have especially with peoples money worries at the moment but in truth its worth nothing to me the way I feel right now.

e04bf099

My bad OP, I misread your post where it says you met her 2 months ago. I know I was harsh, but if I were in your position I wouldn't want people to pity me. That wouldn't help anyone.

Maybe you've seen this thread.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055722874
I know its a worse situation than yours but just concentrating on the similarities rather than the large discrepencies, it might drive home the necessity of making some kind of decision now, even one that puts everything on hold like a holiday or something. If your job is so stressful it is hardly gonna give you time to think things through to the best result/least damage. Your fiance won't be happy to here of your... digression. It doesn't matter that nothing happened but a drunken kiss. The emotional attachment could be even more devastating.

So think of the woman in the other thread and remember that the quicker you sort this out (to whatever ending) the better for those you profess to love.