The Huge Tree

hypnodice

Rocking back and forth on his rocking chair, the old man was a stereotype to end all stereotypes. Musty old tartan slippers – stained with custard amongst other things, blue and white striped pyjama trousers under a now-faded burgundy dressing gown, a pipe protruding from his mouth which has probably never been cleaned out – his mouth seeming like only a minor enlargement of the other chasms in his weathered old face in between the vast amounts of wrinkles which had accumulated over the years, and the finishing touch - the old, dirty flat cap, which seemed to never leave his now balded head as if he were hiding some ancient treasure atop his wisdom-filled cranium.

Indeed he was a far cry from the man he used to be all those years ago. The world at his feet, tucked in amongst the masses of women who seemed to enjoy throwing themselves around that area. But unbeknownst to the world, this man had kept a dark secret… He loved little girls you see. He loved them, and it was to become his undoing. I will tell you of his fate now, so one day you do not suffer a similar demise...

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What do you think? I realise the last line is a little out there, but I wanted to be 'edgy'.

pickarooney

hypnodice wrote: »

Rocking back and forth on his rocking chair, the old man was a stereotype to end all stereotypes.

This is, IMO, a terrible way to open a description. Which is a pity, as what follows is not bad at all.

hypnodice wrote: »

Musty old tartan slippers – stained with custard amongst other things, blue and white striped pyjama trousers under a now-faded burgundy dressing gown, a pipe protruding from his mouth which has probably never been cleaned out

It reads as though his mouth, not the pipe, has never been cleaned out. Which is possibly what you meant to say, although the use of 'probably' is jarring. You're the author and know everything there is to know about your character; there should be no 'probably'. It's also a bit of a stretch to imagine a pipe which has never been cleaned - it simply wouldn't be usable. Maybe consider "which looked like it had never been cleaned out" ?

hypnodice wrote: »

– his mouth seeming like only a minor enlargement of the other chasms in his weathered old face

What chasms specifically? I'm trying to imagine what kind of gaping holes there might be in a man's face, but without anything else to go on, I'm confused.

hypnodice wrote: »

in between the vast amounts of wrinkles which had accumulated over the years, and the finishing touch - the old, dirty flat cap, which seemed to never leave his now balded head as if he were hiding some ancient treasure atop his wisdom-filled cranium.

Should probably be 'number'; otherwise good stuff.

hypnodice wrote: »

Indeed he was a far cry from the man he used to be all those years ago. The world at his feet, tucked in amongst the masses of women who seemed to enjoy throwing themselves around that area.

I've read this a few times and can't make out what you mean by 'that area'. 'Tucked in' sounds a little off, it's usually used for a person in bed or for example a small cottage tucked in between the houses.

hypnodice wrote: »

But unbeknownst to the world, this man had kept a dark secret… He loved little girls you see. He loved them, and it was to become his undoing. I will tell you of his fate now, so one day you do not suffer a similar demise...

Good. Nice intriguing setup. Do continue...

hypnodice

Thanks for the feedback - taken on board! Anyone else?

Insect Overlord

Some very nice description there. As usual, pickarooney is spot on in pointing out the little flaws, so I can't add anything that hasn't been mentioned already. Just amend those errors, keep editing and re-drafting, and you could have a very interesting story on your hands.

hypnodice

Ok that was the prologue, here's the start of chapter 1. I wanted to edit in a warning that this contains strong language and some adult themes, but I can't edit my title. Could a mod do this for me?

Chapter 1

"Get me another Scotch, you f**king b***h!" the man demanded. Some might say this was a harsh way to treat an eight year old, but Jimmy didn't care - he was a twenty-six year old rock star with perfect skin, flowing blond locks, and enough money to feed every child in Africa for ten years. But like hell was he going to do that, he'd rather spend it on cocaine, whisky, and girls. Not women - girls.

The scene was a police bust waiting to happen - backstage after a sell-out concert, behind a dressing room door boasting a 'do not disturb' sign, kicking back on a near-antique couch was Jimmy, with a glass of ice fast approaching water in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and all around him were single girls. Single in terms of relationship status, and single in terms of digits in age.

The thing was, Jimmy wasn't sexually interested in young girls. In fact, he wasn't sexually interested in anything, since the operation. He just liked having them around and, more than anything, he liked to shock people. And what better way to do so than to surround himself with young girls as he drinks whisky and snorts coke? If the shock value of a normal rock star's life was a fork in a toaster, Jimmy's was an electric fence factory in a lightning storm.

pickarooney

Good stuff, but try not labour the paedophilia aspect too much. You've told us about 4 times in these two passages - we get it already. Try keep some semblance of surprise/shock for later on.