broken friendship

LegacyUser

firstly sorry for long post
i became really close with a male friend of mine over the last few years we are so different it was strange how we took to each other .over the course of our friendship he fell in love with me i did not see this for a very long time other people told me but i could not see it naive peharps anyway he told me how he felt and i love this man to bits as a friend he has been my rock when i had some really bad times over the last few years but for many many reasons we can not be together i thought i would be kinder and easier to break our friendship as i really care about him and did not want to give him false hope this happened 3 months ago and i am heart broken ever since we have had no contact and i miss him like crazy but know in my heart we can not be friends it is taking every bit of strenght i have not to pick up the phone to him not sure what im really asking here suppose has anyone had a heart broken by friendship and will it get easier

LegacyUser

Hi sad girl. I was best friends with a girl a few years back, we did everything together and were always there for each other. We hooked up once before ever becoming friends but had moved on and she was seeing somebody else. Anyways over time I started to develop feelings for this girl and other people told me that she had feelings for me. Anyways I never told her or acted on them and she never mentioned anything to me. I think sometimes when you are that close to someone from the opposite sex you sometimes mix signals and start thinking you're in a different type of relationship. Easily done.

I then started seeing a girl and she was quite jealous about my close friendship with this girl. Being young and foolish I slowly fazed my best friend out for my new flame. It was the worst decision of my life and although I am still going out with my girlfreind four years on I still miss my close friendship. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't do the same thing as me you'll regret it. Pick up the phone to your friend and just explain that you miss his friendship and would love to have a platonic friendship with him. You don't make many real friendships in life don't give up the ones you have without a fight.

LegacyUser

thanks sadboy , sorry you lost a good friend very similar to my story his girlfriend is jealous of me and this is one of the reasons i ended the friendship she just couldn't understand that is was just friendship on my side and contacted me to say she was not happy with us being friends they are together a long time and i feel i must respect her , we did stay friends for a while after he told me how he felt but it wasn't the same really wish i could turn back the clock and do things differently i miss him so much but just don't see away of us being friends again even if i do contact him i really don't think it will be the same again as to many things have now been said

have you thought about contacting your friend it's not too late

muppetkiller

Hey OP sorry for your pain but as the male in a similar situation it's for the best for you both if you just leave him be.

He loved you and you only cared for him as a friend.

He could never truely find love himself until he removed you from his life as he would always wonder if you'd come around eventually.

You say he was your rock. Of course he was, he loved you. When you were down it was the closest and most intimate he could ever get to you. It made him feel like a million dollars to hold you and hug you when you were down.

The way I viewed my friendship with my ex-friend was that we were a couple in everyway except the intimate part...to which she would get her fix elsewhere. That ate me up inside until after 8 YEARS !!! (I know lol) I couldn't take anymore and told her it was best to go our seperate ways. Now it's a year later and I've never been happier

fasty

This is happening to me right now and it's tough. I have a female friend who likes me more than as a friend who is in the process of freezing me out of her life. I feel really bad, hurt I've lost a friend, the first person I've really clicked with in years, but I can understand why she's doing it.

LegacyUser

Hey again. I definitely think that you guys could still be friends though. I'd say like me he probably thought he loved you but was just getting his emotions mixed up. I know looking back now that I loved my friend only as a friend really I was just confused. I think for guys especially we're not used to that kind of closeness in our relationships and take things the wrong way!!! His girlfriend is probably gonna be the hard part though. I still think that shouldn't stop you though. People don't make too many real connections in life so I think it's important to keep the ones we have.

I would love to be able to contact her again. She's in Australia at the minute. I could contact her through social networking though. My girlfriend is the one thing that stops me from making contact with her again. Well that and male pride. I remember one time not inviting her to a party my girlfriend was having. She was really upset and was crying and it kills me thinking of putting her through that. Thats kinda another thing putting me off. How big a hypocrite am I telling you to do it when I won't :-)

opinion guy

hey sadgirl.
I'm the male in a similar situation and I'll give you my perspective but I have questions:

but for many many reasons we can not be together

Why not? Did you share these reasons with him ?

i feel i must respect her

sure respect is fine but her insecurities are not your problem and you don't have to cow-tow to them

as to many things have now been said

ah these things can be gotten over. actions are more important

anyhow - can you tell us a bit more ? i know you won't wantot give too much away but a little would be helpful

LegacyUser

thanks everyone for your points sorry for being vague hope this helps

Why not? Did you share these reasons with him ?

yes i have told him all the reasons one being i don't think i could ever trust him he has told me a lot of stories over the years to make me think this
a lot more personal reasons that i really didn't want to go into on here



sure respect is fine but her insecurities are not your problem and you don't have to cow-tow to them
i agree but i felt so sorry for her would hate for someone to make me feel that way

ah these things can be gotten over. actions are more important
i really don't know i'm very confused

not sure what else you would like to know but give you a bit more info
i don't let many people get close to me but i let him he knows me inside out as i do him spoke to him everyday without fail sometimes for hours just about everything but can not see us ever being more than friends but yet can't see my life with out him in it
if anything you want to know just ask anything that will help i have no problem answering

opinion guy

To be honest sadgirl I was as much screening to make sure you weren't the person I'm missing right now since the timelines were simliar - but you've said enough that I know your're not her

Um so first off - can I ask you a favour - please put a little more punctuation in your posts its hard to read! and if you hit the quote buttons on people's posts when you want to reply to them - makes them much easier to read also


So anyhow. This a tough one. And I'm possibly a little too close to it myself to give you great advice. Hmmm sometimes I think when things like this happen we mourn for the friendship - and speaking from the rejected person's point of view I find the loss of a friendship far harder to deal with than the romantic rejection. I do think - sometimes time makes these things easier for both people. when these things happen, we process it and it changes us - takes some time. but i don't believe it necessarily means the friendship can never be rekindled.

Hmmm to say more than this I'll have to take some time to think about it. But I hope what i've said is a bit helpful

LegacyUser

thanks anyway think just to talk helps
hope it works out for you

LegacyUser

the best relationships in the world are mainly based on friendships. You have a great friendship with this guy but you say you cant be his girlfriend for numerous reasons one being stories he has told you re trust. i presume he has cheated on previous partners.

just because someone has done something like that or whatever it is he has done does NOT mean he will do it again.

This post makes me sad because ye sound like ye complete each other. If your so miserable without him its obvious you are meant to be with him. Have a long think how you want your life to pan out. Is it A- with him or B- without him. If B is the answer will you ever truely be happy.

I personally think ye should give the relationship thing a go if he loves you and you love him its only natural.

LegacyUser

hey,
in a similar situation at the moment with my friend.
I developed feelings for him, I told him how I felt, but he unfortunately didnt feel the same way about me. Its hard, and Ive been finding it hard to move on from those feelings, and the feeling of rejection. At the moment though we had a major fight over a lot of things, so things are looking very bleak at the moment. I really do miss our friendship. It pains me that things have gone from good to bad.
I dont have much else to say, other than your not alone to be in this situation. Reading your post and others here, has given me some consolation to my situation. Hopefully things will work out for the best for you OP.

extra-ordinary_

be with him wrote: »

... If your so miserable without him its obvious you are meant to be with him...

You can't argue with that logic:eek:

LegacyUser

sadgirl wrote: »

firstly sorry for long post
i became really close with a male friend of mine over the last few years we are so different it was strange how we took to each other .over the course of our friendship he fell in love with me i did not see this for a very long time other people told me but i could not see it naive peharps anyway he told me how he felt and i love this man to bits as a friend he has been my rock when i had some really bad times over the last few years but for many many reasons we can not be together i thought i would be kinder and easier to break our friendship as i really care about him and did not want to give him false hope this happened 3 months ago and i am heart broken ever since we have had no contact and i miss him like crazy but know in my heart we can not be friends it is taking every bit of strenght i have not to pick up the phone to him not sure what im really asking here suppose has anyone had a heart broken by friendship and will it get easier

Hey sad girl - im on the opposite end of your story, almost identical. It is certainly not easy. I ran away when it happened, being a macho man hiding the feelings, we were together for a bit tho & i thought she fell for me. I have had a lot of complications with my friend / ex but she treated me like s**t in ways, so i have myself almost convinced that i dont need her, and now im leaving so may not see her for a number of years
Everyones circumstances vary but if you love your friend as a 'friend', then dont hurt him in a non-friend way... Sorry if this doesnt make sense but love & friendships are f**king hard to control! Wish u d best

LegacyUser

i should have said before that i have also been on the other side in love with someone that didn't feel the same so i do think this makes it harder seeing it from both sides and yes emt heart it makes a lot of sense and i love him very much and this is why i'm staying away killing me but know it's for the best

SarahSassy

Am I reading this right - he was in a long term relationship while being in love with you and told you he was in love with you but stayed with his gf when you didnt want him??

If so he is not a very decent guy OP

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Am I reading this right - he was in a long term relationship while being in love with you and told you he was in love with you but stayed with his gf when you didnt want him??

If so he is not a very decent guy OP

Yeah i was thinking the same thing,

This guy is in a long term relationship and has fallen in love with you and told you, is he just needy for attention or is he genuinely in love with you, you mentioned that you did not trust him from past experiences he told you of, Im guessing he might fall in love with a lot of girls does he?

But also i think when he told you that he loved you that he was dumping a lot of his emotional issues on you, if he is not happy in his relationship he should just leave and find someone new, i think he is used to playing women and getting his own way, he has now sucked you into his crap when all you wanted was to be a friend, but you must have known that he had crossed a boundary with you, instinct also tells you that he was not happy in his relationship and i wonder were you avoiding the signs early on because he was giving you some support and being there for you?

I am in a long term relationship, I know what it is like to project your insecurities onto your partner and feel that because you are bored it is the other persons fault, when ever i felt like this in the past it was always an inner void i was feeling, when i confronted my insecurities i realized i was afraid to commit further in my relationship, but it had nothing to do with my partner. I think this guy has an inner void and rather than work on his relationship he is looking for someone else outside to make him feel better.

I think you did the right thing pulling back, he does not seem like he is in a good place right now, I kind of dont understand why you miss him so much, unless you became emotionally dependent on him, otherwise realize that you are better than this and you can attract someone into your life that can be there for you in a healthy way.

All the best OP.

LegacyUser

Sarah & afriendy - we have all done wrong in Love at some stage, whether we recognise it or not!! Does real love not prevail irrelevent of other crap??? I think because of peoples history & current situations we try to reason why we 'should not' be with someone, when we could / should look at why we 'should' be with that person....

Im MALE, a shy romantic, been burned by love twice!! But deep down, i think i still believe love exists in this malfunctionaing world (divorce, cheating, untrusting, disloyal etc...)

As with opinion guy, i have been noting the criteria to see if the OP was my ex, but the OP seems to have a heart.....guess my ex didnt

OP - what would you do if you knew you had one last chance to speak to this guy, would your outlook or feelings change. We get blinded by others opinions & bulls**t sometimes instead of recognising love for what it is, imperfections & all. IT IS YOUR CHOICE, & ONLY YOURS TO CONTACT HIM OR NOT

Apologies about my emotional opinionated eruption

LegacyUser

emt heart wrote: »

Sarah & afriendy - we have all done wrong in Love at some stage, whether we recognise it or not!! Does real love not prevail irrelevent of other crap??? I think because of peoples history & current situations we try to reason why we 'should not' be with someone, when we could / should look at why we 'should' be with that person....

Im MALE, a shy romantic, been burned by love twice!! But deep down, i think i still believe love exists in this malfunctionaing world (divorce, cheating, untrusting, disloyal etc...)

As with opinion guy, i have been noting the criteria to see if the OP was my ex, but the OP seems to have a heart.....guess my ex didnt

OP - what would you do if you knew you had one last chance to speak to this guy, would your outlook or feelings change. We get blinded by others opinions & bulls**t sometimes instead of recognising love for what it is, imperfections & all. IT IS YOUR CHOICE, & ONLY YOURS TO CONTACT HIM OR NOT

Apologies about my emotional opinionated eruption

Hey,

Yeah i get what your saying but i dont think everyone has done wrong in love, committed relationships do exist out there too,

I think its OK to make mistakes if you take responsibility and learn from them, the OP seems to have reason not to trust this guy, maybe he has a history with women and trust, I agree that if he was a decent guy he would finish with his girlfriend because he obviously doesn't love her anymore because he is looking elsewhere. I also feel that the OP is in a tricky place with this guy because he seems confused and it is hard to know what his true feelings are, she is right to pull back, if he breaks up with his girlfriend and gets into a better place in himself then maybe the OP will see an opportunity to open the friendship up again IMO.

All the best.

LegacyUser

OP - what would you do if you knew you had one last chance to speak to this guy, would your outlook or feelings change. We get blinded by others opinions & bulls**t sometimes instead of recognising love for what it is, imperfections & all. IT IS YOUR CHOICE, & ONLY YOURS TO CONTACT HIM OR NOT

Apologies about my emotional opinionated eruption[/QUOTE]

hi i have spoke about all my feeling and thoughts over the weekend with a very good friend of mine and she asked me the very same question and my answer was yes i do want to see him and speak to him again if only my heart and head said the same thing

All i do know is that i am heart broken without him in my life

suppose it's one of thoses topics that people have very strong and varied opinions on which i do value and can't arque with as everything everyone has said i have thought at some stage and much more

LegacyUser

Afriendy - u got me there, not everyone has done wrong. Yea, i suppose she is correct in staying clear in the sense that this guy is in another relationship & may have other issues. It could be that he has esteem issues, i.e. one of teh guys that NEEDS to have a girlfriend so wont breakup with current girl until another is bagged....just speculating here, i obviosly dont know the guy personally & his history.
As for waiting for teh right moment when this guy finds himself, it may never happen! I am a pessimst (burned badly by love twice) but somehow deep deep down i long for that special girl so i must believe in true love....somehow

OP - ultimately it is your decision. Dont rush it but be sure of it.

All the best & let us know if it works out if you do follow up on him x