My first poem, don't know if it's any good?

LegacyUser

While writing in my diary this just sort of came out. Just wondering if it's in any way decent as I have no experience with creative writing or poetry. I'm just 19 so perhaps it will come across as a little naive or something.

I am sick

not only of you

and those same spiritless lines that you dispense

like an actor on autopilot

but of me

and my ceaseless criticism,

the way that I pretend not to see you at first

but end up pressing our bodies together like playdough

by the end of the night, when I satisfied that

there is nothing else left to be discovered.

I am tired of us.

I do not want you to cradle my three middle fingers while

you lead me gently home, I want to stop

discussing pleasant, mediocre things

and instead

I wish that you would pull me playfully away from the crowd

and rebut my insincere protests by showering me

with a thousand different kisses.

Sarky

Bumping this because it slipped off page one before it was approved. Apologies to the OP.

pickarooney

I like it, both the stark, sentimental expression and the rhythm. One thing I didn't particularly like was 'an actor on autopilot' - the mixture of simile with metaphor kind of defeats the comparison. It's understandable but not a very strong description.

Consider the subtle difference (I appreciate the alliteration is absent, but this is for demonstration purposes):

"like a bad actor going through the motions"

"like a plane on autopilot"

These, though mundane descriptions, use attributes which are directly linked to the subject matter. An actor is not something which can literally be put on autopilot, only metaphorically, so there is a second level of abstraction added.

Other than that, top stuff.

clarke.david21

i like it .... you took me through it grasping every word.... i can relate... i'm a poet trying to see if i can write ... and only 16....

lmtduffy

It is good, but could do with some structuring.

Try break it up into stanzas maybe?
and keep at it and post some more if you like.
Have you began sending your work to journals and magazines?

LegacyUser

pickarooney wrote: »

I like it, both the stark, sentimental expression and the rhythm. One thing I didn't particularly like was 'an actor on autopilot' - the mixture of simile with metaphor kind of defeats the comparison. It's understandable but not a very strong description.

Consider the subtle difference (I appreciate the alliteration is absent, but this is for demonstration purposes):

"like a bad actor going through the motions"

"like a plane on autopilot"

These, though mundane descriptions, use attributes which are directly linked to the subject matter. An actor is not something which can literally be put on autopilot, only metaphorically, so there is a second level of abstraction added.

Other than that, top stuff.

Thank you for the advice, it was very constructive. I wrote it very quicky, almost accidentally, but will try to edit it now.

LegacyUser

clarke.david21 wrote: »

i like it .... you took me through it grasping every word.... i can relate... i'm a poet trying to see if i can write ... and only 16....

Thank you, really glad you like it! Good luck with your work.

LegacyUser

lmtduffy wrote: »

It is good, but could do with some structuring.

Try break it up into stanzas maybe?
and keep at it and post some more if you like.
Have you began sending your work to journals and magazines?

Thanks, I'll certainly consider that. No, the only writing I have ever done is rambling away in my diary, and I'm not studying english in college. I always liked poetry but this is the first poem I've ever written. Do you think it would actually have any chance of being published? I really didn't consider that. I'll post again when or if I write another.