My mam says I'm spoiled

LegacyUser · 26-10-2009 2:08pm #1

First of all I want to say I love my family and am so grateful for everything they've done for me. But my mam is driving me mad at the moment. My whole life she has said I was spoiled. Any time anyone bought anything for me, I was spoiled, any time I got new clothes (before I was old enough to work), I was spoiled. If I didn't look happy enough when we went on holidays, I was spoiled. I know I've been fairly well off compared to other people, but I really don't think I'm spoiled! I'm say I'm a typical middle class person. I've always worked part time in college, I took out loans to go to college, which I still haven't been able to pay back (it's over 14,000 euro) It's not as if I've been handed everything on a silver platter. I worked my arse off in college and did very well, resulting in me getting a scholarship to do an MA in the UK. The application process took a year, during which time I worked in a call centre to try to save money, I had to send off a bazillion references and transcripts and go to 2 interviews, the last one with a big panel of academics. I'm delighted to have the scholarship, but I feel like I earned it.

Well now my mam calls me spoiled more than ever, since I'm able to live in a nice flat in a nice part of London (I wanted to live somewhere safe). I have a boyfriend who is living abroad for a while and he sometimes sends me little gifts or flowers in the post - my mam was visiting the last time he sent something and declared that guess what, I was spoiled! He got me quite an expensive necklace for my birthday in July, and yes, again I was spoiled. I'm so just fed up of being made to feel like I don't deserve anything. I know it's pure jealousy because I've had more opportunities or whatever, but it's not fair. I work hard, I'm a great girlfriend to my OH, I don't like feeling guilty any time anything good happens to me. My boyfriend thinks I have a complex about it - I really struggle with buying stuff for myself, anything that isn't 'necessary'. I've tried telling my mum to stop it but she says I'm oversensitive and stupid.

Wagon · 26-10-2009 2:36pm

Stop talking to your mum for a while? Only make contact when really neccessary and leave it at that. She'll cop herself in with time. And you certainly don't sound spoiled.

krudler · 26-10-2009 2:52pm

Surely the only person responsible for you being "spoiled" is her? was someone else buying you clothes and taking you on holidays as a child? I'd tell her cop on and stop being so petty about it

Overheal · 26-10-2009 3:03pm

Id tell her to stop being a spoilsport but thats just me.

Firetrap · 26-10-2009 3:28pm

You don't sound spoiled to me at all. By the sounds of things, you have worked hard to achieve what you have in life so far. Most mums would be very proud of a daughter like you. I don't know what your mum's problem is but it's not doing your self-esteem much good. I think your boyfriend could be right about you having a complex about it. How could you not, having grown up with this going on all the time?

I'm not sure what exactly you can do really. You've told your mum to stop it but she's not prepared to listen. Are there any other family members who can have a word with her? The only thing I can think of is to cut down contact with her. Perhaps if she doesn't hear from you so often it might finally cause the penny to drop.

At this stage, I think you should work on trying to get your mum's nasty words out of your system. You are entitled to treat yourself to nice things and don't be trying to impress her.

Out of curiosity, do you have any other siblings or a dad? I'm wondering does your mum treat them in the same way?

miec · 26-10-2009 6:33pm

Hi Op

Like the others I agree and say that you are not spoiled by the sounds of things and if you were as a child, well it was your mother doing the spoiling, but I think in ways you have hit the nail when you said you believe your mum is jealous of you because she did not have the same opportunities. The thing that is very hurtful here is that your own mother begrudges you your own happiness and that is sad and I am not suprised you are angry and frustrated. Also when you challenge her bad behaviour, she then scapegoats you again by telling you you are over-sensitive.

I would say there are probably (sadly) more examples of her insensitive behaviour and like others I would put more distance but I would also keep challenging her behaviour, the next time she says you are spoiled, tell her you don't like that and would she prefer it if you were suffering? Ask her why does she resent your happiness? Now she will probably deny saying she resents your happiness but tell her it sounds that way and that her comments are hurtful. If she tells you you are over-reacting, again repeat that it hurts your feelings. Then say nothing and let the silence sink in, she will have to confront the fact that it is hurtful to you, do not explain or justify why it hurts just keep saying plainly that it hurts. I can almost guarantee you that she will stop saying it (she will probably still resent you but at least you won't have to hear it).

Also well done on your achievements, it is sad that your mother cannot be happy for you and that is something you will have to come to terms with I am afraid, but well done anyway.

VinnyTGM · 26-10-2009 7:35pm

"How dare you think you can make a life for yourself, you should aspire to living in the gutter and spending all your money on booze".
The above is what your mam probably think's of you, tell her to F off and go bother someone else.

jimmycrackcorm · 26-10-2009 7:50pm

The simple answer is to reply the next time: "Why, yes I am spoiled - isn't it great". Repeat in every conversation "I had beans for my tea and the tin came with a ring-pull - I'm so spoiled" and so on. Maybe then the message will get through.

Either that or ignore the spoilt remarks - are they that important?

am i bovvered · 26-10-2009 7:56pm

You do not sound spoiled, but reading your post you do not sound grateful for the life your parents have given you. I'm sure they also worked hard along the way. Its something you realise more when you bring children up. Why not take your parents out for a meal, tell them how grateful you are and then let them know that you realise how lucky you have been compared to most so therefore could they refrain from calling you spoiled.
Good Luck

LegacyUser · 26-10-2009 8:07pm

Reading between the lines I would say that your mother's concern - which she is expressing in a way that pushes your buttons and thus distracts you from the real message - is that she fears you do not really know the value of money and she probably worries about how you will get on when you are eventually left to your own devices.

After all, you worked through college, and for the year after, and still haven't paid off any of your 14,000 of loans? Were you really working in college to pay for accommodation and books, or were your parents paying for them and you had a nice little job to keep you in nights out and makeup? Now you are living in a nice place in London while still a student - does your scholarship pay for all that or does your well-off boyfriend have anything to do with it?

There is nothing wrong with being middle class and I am sure you did indeed work hard and deserved your scholarship. However, you don't actually come across as completely independent and your mam could be worried that you will get a nasty shock when it comes to really fending for yourself in the world. Her manner doesn't sound very nice but it could be that there is an anxiety behind it that she feels the need to try and draw your attention to the fact that life isn't always this easy for everyone.

LegacyUser · 26-10-2009 8:09pm

Hi OP,

I read somewhere that your same sex parent is the most influential in our lives, If your mother is making a negative perception of you then it will have dramatic effects on your self esteem because to feel self worth you have to feel deserving and i would suspect that you are holding back from feeling deserving from a lot more, she should not have this power over you anymore!

Now that you are seeing that any normal person does not think you are spoiled then you can change that belief about yourself, and if you look at the situation that your mother must be very insecure to say your spoiled and realize this is her sh!t and not yours.

Have you spoken to anyone else in your family, like if you told your dad or something and asked for some support on it would you get some, someone needs to explain to how much this is hurting you and pushing you away from your mum, if your mum wants to have a successful relationship with you she is going to have to stop the put downs, maybe start calling her a begrudger!

I think it is a big part of growing into an adult to confront these issues in parental relationships so that the parents can see you as a responsible adult, once you demonstrate self respect and firmness in a non defensive way then your onto a winner,

Best of luck OP, you deserve every nice thing the world can offer!

drusk · 26-10-2009 8:26pm

You're definitely not spoiled. And you know that deep down. You're just looking for people to affirm it for you. You're not spoiled - you're a hard worker. You deserve the good things you have because you've worked for them.

You're Mam's just jealous. Perhaps she didn't have the same opportunities you had. Unless you tell her to stop saying it, and explain why it's bothering you, she'll keep doing it.

wolfpawnat · 26-10-2009 8:54pm

To say you acknowledge everything that your family did for you as a child, then you are not spoiled!

You live in the UK, your mother, from what I can gather is here in Ireland, F~CK her!!!!! Tell her when she calls that you will not be bullied and if she starts acting the b!tch then hang up, if she doesn't get it by the third phone call then she truly is not of full intelligence.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, your boyfriend clearly thinks you are worth buying stuff for and you worked hard to get a scholarship and are trying to pay off loans! Enjoy your life, I got rid of my mother from mine because she made me feel like a prisoner in mine, don't let your mother make you feel ashamed of what YOU worked for.

LegacyUser · 26-10-2009 9:44pm

Guest/guest wrote: »

Reading between the lines I would say that your mother's concern - which she is expressing in a way that pushes your buttons and thus distracts you from the real message - is that she fears you do not really know the value of money and she probably worries about how you will get on when you are eventually left to your own devices.

But I have been left to my own devices for at least 2 years! I know I don't know as much as my parents do, I've never had a mortgage or a car or anything, but I'm no big spender.

After all, you worked through college, and for the year after, and still haven't paid off any of your 14,000 of loans? Were you really working in college to pay for accommodation and books, or were your parents paying for them and you had a nice little job to keep you in nights out and makeup? Now you are living in a nice place in London while still a student - does your scholarship pay for all that or does your well-off boyfriend have anything to do with it?

It amazes me how people like you manage to not only assume the worst, but make up facts. I had 30+ hours a week in college. I was very limited in how many hours I could work, so I wasn't earning much at all. My student loans didn't even cover my accommodation, so my parents made up the difference and my job paid for food, books, transport and everything else. I think I went out a total of about 5 times in the 4 years I was in college. I would often go a whole term without even one pint in the pub, so shove your nasty assumptions, thank-you. When I say a nice place, I mean it's clean and in a safe area, and yes my scholarship pays for it (I also work evenings). Where did I ever say my boyfriend was well off? He isn't well off at all. Now you've assumed I'm living off him because he sends me flowers and chocolates sometimes? I haven't see him since June!

There is nothing wrong with being middle class and I am sure you did indeed work hard and deserved your scholarship. However, you don't actually come across as completely independent and your mam could be worried that you will get a nasty shock when it comes to really fending for yourself in the world. Her manner doesn't sound very nice but it could be that there is an anxiety behind it that she feels the need to try and draw your attention to the fact that life isn't always this easy for everyone.

How am I not completely independent? Point out one thing which makes you think that. How am I not 'fending for myself'? My parents haven't given me a penny since I finished college.

amibovvered - I stated in my post that I am very grateful. I know my parents have worked hard and that I've had an easier time than they did. But it isn't my fault. I don't know why I should feel guilty about not having a terrible life. It's not like I'm some D4 princess - I do know the value of money, I'm really stingy when it comes to myself, try to spend as little as possible on day to day things, I buy most of my clothes in charity shops. But if my boyfriend gets me a nice present for my birthday, why would I not deserve it? I know most people get nice things from their OH so when my mam says I'm spoiled it makes me feel I'm less worthy than other people of getting stuff.

I have a brother and sister and no they aren't treated the same way. My brother is barely around and my sister, ironically, is actually spoiled, but my mam doesn't see it because she's so busy saying I'm spoiled. I hate the way she treats her and me actually. Any time my sister gets anything, she 'deserves' it because she works hard - as if I don't? My sister never gets this jealous attitude. Many times we're out shopping and my mam buys stuff for my sister and says I'm not having anything because I'm spoiled enough as it is. My mam has always complained about my nana treating her sister differently because she's younger - but my mam does EXACTLY the same thing!

LegacyUser · 26-10-2009 9:54pm

To be honest, I used to get this a lot when I was growing up, but it was said in a really venomous way by my mother-usually that I was a spoilt brat. Again, I don't think I was spoiled. I was exceptionally lucky in terms of what my parents were able to give to me, but I was always extremely grateful and realised that I was very fortunate. One time when I got told I was a spoilt brat, I lost it and shouted at her telling her that I was sick to death of being told I was a spoilt brat, that I was very aware of what I had, and in my opinion someone who was spoilt took everything for granted which I didn't. In my family sometimes you have to shout to be heard unfortunately. She seemed to hear it that time finally, and I don't think she ever said it again. Sometimes parents throw the first thing they think of at you, and don't realise that hearing it over and over makes you feel terrible and question yourself. I know I do, and I have a huge guilt thing around money. Maybe it's time to lose the rag with her and next time she does it, shout at her. It's not the most mature approach, but my 15 year old self did it without thinking and solved the problem. Good luck.

My mam says I'm spoiled

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