Should I feel Guilty?

LegacyUser

Hi,
l/t poster - have a dilemma and could do with some sound advice...

was on hols with my wife recently out foreign - 1 of the nights were in an irish/english bar, very crowded etc etc. Some local girls there and it was obvious they were, shall we say, 'available for a price' and they were all extremely attractive.

At one stage I was coming back from the gents and was making my way through the crowd I happened to brush past one of them and she groped me down below for a couple of seconds. I returned the favour and groped her back. It was a spur of the moment thing and was over in a flash.
When I got back to my wife the girl went to stand in a place where she was in eyeshot of me and gave a good few smiles over at me etc.. my wife was oblivious to all of this. I must add I was fairly tipsy having had quite a few drinks. nothing more happened.

The morning after I was thinking about it and was thinking should I feel guilty about what I did or was it ok? It was not something I would ever think of doing normally and certainly wouldn't have done it had she not done it to me first. It's kind of bugging me and I'd like o get some views on this - what do people think? Was it a really bad thing, or should I just put it down to the beer and forget about it?

krudler

Put the image in your mind of your wife walking to the toilets and some guy copping a feel of her while she strokes his crotch for a bit while you're in the same pub, not nice is it? so yeah, you should feel guilty

SarahSassy

Congrats - you have just entered that not so exclusive club 'Sleazy Husbands'....

Yeah imagine how you would feel if you were away on hols with your wife and she has a sneaky grope of some mans privates - not so nice now...

SS

PS just cos some tramp in a bar thinss you are game for whatever and felt you up (and bear in mind payment for her services may have been the ultimate outcome) dont think your are the bees knees... I am sure as soon as you left she was at the same with some other eejit.

LegacyUser

OP here.
I guess I should have expected that reaction and I'm probably guilty of all charges levelled at me.
As regards my wife groping somebody, that wouldn't happen so would have no need to worry.
My biggest concern was when I was thinking what if i'd been there alone, would I have taken it further? I'd never consider doing anything like that before, but now I'm not so sure.
and yeah I did feel like an eejit alright when i realised that it wasn't coz I was irresistable but maybe because I looked like I might have a few quid.....

OS119

OP, forget about it.

yes you did a bad thing - take away the 'laydeez of negotiable attection' element and you still felt up some bird in a pub. which is a bad thing if you're married to someone else.

but, there's nothing you can do about it now - i assume you've had a damn good wash - so learn a lesson and stop drinking so much that you think whores fancy you and that its fine to feel up girls in pubs when you're married.

do not tell your missus - whatever you did is unlikely to warrant her reaction when you casually start the conversation "so, i felt up a young girl in a pub...".

drink less.

hot2def

golferboy wrote: »

As regards my wife groping somebody, that wouldn't happen so would have no need to worry.

she proabably thinks that about you, the fool.

opinion guy

To be honest - I can't buy this 'its not ok since you are married thing'. say you weren't married. I'd still find this pretty sleazy. I'm single, but if some total randomer in a pub decided to grab my bits my reaction would be to push them away/give out to them/get away from them - not grope them back. Self-respect thing i guess.

So i'd think its worse if you are married

krudler

golferboy wrote: »

OP here.
I guess I should have expected that reaction and I'm probably guilty of all charges levelled at me.
As regards my wife groping somebody, that wouldn't happen so would have no need to worry.
My biggest concern was when I was thinking what if i'd been there alone, would I have taken it further? I'd never consider doing anything like that before, but now I'm not so sure.
and yeah I did feel like an eejit alright when i realised that it wasn't coz I was irresistable but maybe because I looked like I might have a few quid.....

And you know this for definite how? you took a vow when you married her as well look how that turned out

Gholimoli

not sure exactly what you are looking for here op.

i mean im not gonna say whether what you did was wrong or not.
that's really for you to decide and that's why i dont understand ,what you are actually hoping to get from here?i mean what sort of "advice" are you looking for?

LegacyUser

OP here.
not really advice, just wondering wht people's views and opinions were. I'm pretty confused about it myself and just felt it would be handy to bounce it off some people.

SarahSassy

golferboy wrote: »

OP here.
not really advice, just wondering wht people's views and opinions were. I'm pretty confused about it myself and just felt it would be handy to bounce it off some people.

Well it would appear that the general consensus is that you should keep your hands in Your pockets and develop some respect for your wife. You dont sound any bit remorseful which makes it worse

cafecolour

TBH I can sort of excuse it in context. Unlike women, who have to deal with it a lot, guys (heterosexual ones at least) are not used to being randomly groped in crowded pubs. It can certainly leave one a bit flustered. Granted, returning the grope is a bit much, but the shock combined with it being a very attractive woman (also short circuiting the brain).

I think the concern is that you're not showing much guilt over it, leading one to worry that you might be considering pushing the boundaries of what you 'can get away with'. Which does not for a healthy marriage make.

e04bf099

I don't agree with anything people have said here. Don't beat yourself up about it. You don't need to drink less either. If you actually paid for sex then you would be a ba$t&rd, but you didn't. On another thread people are talking about how porn is ok, but on this one if you find girls attractive in the real world you are a bastard? They got your testosterone levels going and fooled you into thinking they wanted you. FFS - that is how they make their money and most virile men would be fooled. If they weren't good at it they wouldn't make a living. You were fooled because you wanted to be. Same thing would've happened to me, and unless they have a particularly strict moral code then so would most men. It was a drunken reaction to a whores provokation. I don't know what I'd have done (in terms of groping back or anything), tbh. I think I'd have had good sex with my OH afterwards, or I'd have masterbated ferociously. But forget it. You didn't cheat.

e04bf099

Does looking at porn show a lack of respect for his wife?

Silverfish

Can we keep this thread on topic please, thanks.

Chinafoot

e04bf099 wrote: »

Does looking at porn show a lack of respect for his wife?

Looking at porn does not involve touching. Porn is pure fantasy with no chance of ever becoming a reality. Groping a prostitute in a bar is not the same thing at all.

To the OP, what I find most disturbing about this is that you have to ask if it was a bad thing. You groped another woman in a sexual manner. Of course it was wrong.

Now you're questioning your faithfulness to your wife? There are clearly issues in your marriage that you need to examine if this is a road you are going down.

e04bf099

Chinafoot wrote: »

Looking at porn does not involve touching. Porn is pure fantasy with no chance of ever becoming a reality. Groping a prostitute in a bar is not the same thing at all.

To the OP, what I find most disturbing about this is that you have to ask if it was a bad thing. You groped another woman in a sexual manner. Of course it was wrong.

Now you're questioning your faithfulness to your wife? There are clearly issues in your marriage that you need to examine if this is a road you are going down.

Who ever said it is a road he is going down? BS, he said he was worried about what he'd have done had he been alone, which means he is not trying to justify the action, but is wrestling with the contradiction in himself about his sexual urges and his moral/marital responsibilties. He got carried away in the moment, thats all. I was in Vegas, where two black hookers porposed that we go check out their rooms. They were so skanky but I think my mate might have done it had I not been there and I wondered for ages what I'd have done had I been some rich kid.

He got carried away, relax, and try to be a bit more curt next time. It was obviously a situation you were not used to.

Chinafoot

e04bf099 wrote: »

Who ever said it is a road he is going down?

Oh relax for gods sake. The OP said

I'd never consider doing anything like that before, but now I'm not so sure.

That is questioning his fidelity and something he needs to address himself.

Your assertion that most men would react the same way to a "whores provocation" does not make this ok. He's married and shouldn't have put his hands on that woman in that way. Blaming the brain in his pants a complete cop out.

e04bf099

When he comes back here next month saying "So went to the continent with the lads and paid this hooker for sex. Did I do wrong?", then I'll criticise.

There are two issues here:
1) This was an impulse, and he is clearly wrestling with his conscience over it. In my mind it shows the same amount of disrespect towards his wife as watching porn. This was fantasy. It was fantasy because yer one was a good actress, and he fell for it. If it became a habit, well you'd have a good point, but it hasn't.

2) His intentions and the future of his marraige are wide-open. He can go down lots of different roads. He can fantasise about other roads when he chooses. But critisising him over things he hasn't done is useless and also a little fascist, tbh.

martdalto

e04bf099 wrote: »

On another thread people are talking about how porn is ok, but on this one if you find girls attractive in the real world you are a bastard?

There's nothing wrong with finding girls attractive in the real world. I'm not foolish enough to think that the day me and my husband got together, that he suddenly lost all ability to fancy someone else, or to think someone else was attractive... I'm happily married - I can still appreciate when a man is good looking (or a woman for that matter!!!)

There is absolutely nothing wrong with finding someone other than your partner attractive.. that is NOT the issue of this post.. the issue is - he groped someone else in a bar - and then, it seems, spent the night grinning at her over his wifes shoulder? And obviously feels no guilt, and is coming on here asking should he feel guilty?

THAT IS WRONG!

OP - nobody can tell you how you SHOULD feel. You either feel something or you don't. You obviously don't feel guilty, so us telling you you should is going to achieve what?

As someone else said - think of how your wife would feel if she knew...
And if it makes it easier for you to imagine, then reverse the roles.. she groped some fella who felt her up on the way back from the toilet, and then spent the night maintaining eye contact over your shoulder.. while you were oblivious to the whole thing.

How would that make you feel? Should your wife feel guilty?
So NOW, how do you feel? Do you think it's still harmless enough??

If so, well then.... that's how you feel.

OxO-CuBe

What you did was wrong. You know this by the tone of your OP. This is exactly what you did.
Attractive girl copped a feel from a potential customer. In a split second you copped a feel back (with your wife in the room). Went back to your wife and it went no further. But you know in your heart that you broke the trust of your relationship.
So this is the way I would take it. You have been weak when drunk, betrayed your wife’s trust and are having regrets about it. So you know what you did and why. So don't do it again if you value your relationship. If you do cheat you will loose a part of yourself and the part of you that makes you the best to your wife.

e04bf099

martdalto wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with finding girls attractive in the real world. I'm not foolish enough to think that the day me and my husband got together, that he suddenly lost all ability to fancy someone else, or to think someone else was attractive... I'm happily married - I can still appreciate when a man is good looking (or a woman for that matter!!!)

There is absolutely nothing wrong with finding someone other than your partner attractive.. that is NOT the issue of this post.. the issue is - he groped someone else in a bar - and then, it seems, spent the night grinning at her over his wifes shoulder? And obviously feels no guilt, and is coming on here asking should he feel guilty?

THAT IS WRONG!

OP - nobody can tell you how you SHOULD feel. You either feel something or you don't. You obviously don't feel guilty, so us telling you you should is going to achieve what?

As someone else said - think of how your wife would feel if she knew...
And if it makes it easier for you to imagine, then reverse the roles.. she groped some fella who felt her up on the way back from the toilet, and then spent the night maintaining eye contact over your shoulder.. while you were oblivious to the whole thing.

How would that make you feel? Should your wife feel guilty?
So NOW, how do you feel? Do you think it's still harmless enough??

If so, well then.... that's how you feel.

The hooker maneouvred herself into a position in front of him. He was alone with his wife(I presume) and if he had maintained eye contact she would've noticed. When you are sitting close to somebody in a pub and he/she is the only one you're talking to (for the most part) then you would notice if his eye kept drifting over your shoulder, which would make you turn towards the hooker. He never said he was grinning at her, he merely said she moved into view.

Now, to get to the real issue, which you and I are both guilty of drifting away from, he groped her at the bar. She was sexually aggressive - he was turned on. She did something unexpected and he responded impulsively by groping her back. I think that people here are being harsh. I think it was the wrong thing to do, but it isn't like it is a habit. When people are put into situations they haven't been in before they do things that surprise even themselves, and that goes four times over for when they are drunk. Fu&k it! the world is not perfect and neither are your spouses. He could sit around feeling guilty, or he could be aware of his impulses and avoid such scenarios in the future. He needs to self-govern a bit better, but we are all guilty of not meeting the standards we set for ourselves sometimes. Give the guy a break!

martdalto

golferboy wrote: »

When I got back to my wife the girl went to stand in a place where she was in eyeshot of me and gave a good few smiles over at me etc.. my wife was oblivious to all of this.

Ok, I exaggerated abit by saying he was grinning at her.. I admit that - but he did continue looking over at her, while there with his wife. How else did he know that she gave "a good few smiles" over at him? (Maybe it was from this I took that he was smiling back - she hardly stood there smiling at him, if he was giving stoney stares back at her???)

Anyway, you are right, we have both deviated slightly from the topic - his question is should he feel guilty.. the answer is nobody can tell him how he "should" feel. The only answer to that is whether he does or doesn't.

OP, it may have been a one off, nothing like that may ever happen again. And maybe the fact that you dont feel guilty, means that you know it was a silly mistake and one that is never going to be repeated.

OR

It might mean, that you're not really that bothered about disrespecting your wife in front of her eyes and maybe next time, in a similar position you might go a bit further??

Who knows? You're the only one who can know/guess that.

Emme

I'm shocked at the OP's behaviour and can't help wondering what would he have done if his wife hadn't been there? Would he have taken things further with the girl in the bar seeing as he was looking at the groper over his shoulder all night. I would hate to be married to somebody like the OP.

kittenkiller

"Sleazy desperate disrespectful minging old man" was what went through my head when I read the first post.
How desperate!
Your poor wife, sitting there like an eejit!
How can the OP be sure that dozens of people didn't see him groping a hooker and then sauntering back to his missus?
God they must have laughed themselves silly about that.

e04bf099

she hardly stood there smiling at him, if he was giving stoney stares back at her???)

That could have happened. He could have scowled at her and she'd still have stared back. If he'd have given her the finger she'd have nodded in agreement. He may not have done anything like that, and I'd say it was an uncomfortable situation as the embarrassment set in after the impulsiveness of the act. If someone is staring at you you can't help noticing. He'd have glanced a couple of times, even unintentionally, and she'd still advertising herself. That, at least, he should feel no guilt over. The thing HE did, thats a different story.

Auldloon

golferboy wrote: »

Hi,
l/t poster - have a dilemma and could do with some sound advice...

was on hols with my wife recently out foreign - 1 of the nights were in an irish/english bar, very crowded etc etc. Some local girls there and it was obvious they were, shall we say, 'available for a price' and they were all extremely attractive.

At one stage I was coming back from the gents and was making my way through the crowd I happened to brush past one of them and she groped me down below for a couple of seconds. I returned the favour and groped her back. It was a spur of the moment thing and was over in a flash.
When I got back to my wife the girl went to stand in a place where she was in eyeshot of me and gave a good few smiles over at me etc.. my wife was oblivious to all of this. I must add I was fairly tipsy having had quite a few drinks. nothing more happened.

The morning after I was thinking about it and was thinking should I feel guilty about what I did or was it ok? It was not something I would ever think of doing normally and certainly wouldn't have done it had she not done it to me first. It's kind of bugging me and I'd like o get some views on this - what do people think? Was it a really bad thing, or should I just put it down to the beer and forget about it?

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it, **** happens sometimes. If this is the worst thing that has ever happened on a night out then you are not doing bad at all.

eviltwin

Its a pretty disgusting way for any adult to behave if you ask me.

Drink or no drink for someone to come up to you in a crowded pub and grope you is bad enough OP, for you to then return the favour is pretty sleazy. Its the kind of thing I would expect from a teenager not a fully grown man. The fact that you wife was there doesnt really make much difference, its totally degrading both yourself and the woman involved.

I dont think you should be feeling guilty about it in terms of your wife ( I would think it was pretty gross if you were single ) but more so in terms of what it says about you. How would you feel if your daughter was treated the same way?

dublingal80

i think its disgusting!
yeah you should feel guilty!! U groped another woman with your wife meters away. If she wasnt there, would you still be feeling as guilty?