Is my girlfriend cheating?

LegacyUser

I'm in an LDR (different country) with my gf of one year. We chat on a daily basis, telling each other how our days went, our plans for the weekend etc...

My gf always tells me who she is meeting and mentions the names of the girls, (and I tell her who I'm out with) but I know quite frequently she is meeting another guy. She always says she is meeting a 'friend' when meeting him and doesn't give any more details than that. Never mentioned a name where she always would with her girl-friends. I know she has gone to dinner with him before, walks on the beach etc.. I found out it was actually a guy when she just happened to mentioned she wasn't meeting 'him' last night.

Any thoughts as to why she is sort of hiding this from me? Should I fear she is cheating?

ManOfMystery

Well lets be honest, going for dinners and romantic beach walks isn't really something a girl should do if she's in a committed relationship. My gut instinct would say yes, she probably is cheating - but no-one can know for sure. You'll have to confront her about it.

LegacyUser

Ah come on, if you are in a committed relationship you arent allowed go for a dinner or a walk with a friend just because they are male? Thats not true.

OP, im in a very LDR right now with my boyf, who has lots of friends who are girls, sometimes they do things on their own. Of course it sucks a little because it should be you doing these things but if you were there she would prob want to do all these things with you, but she just cant.

I do things on my own with my male friends too and it shouldnt be an issue.

LDRs can be really difficult because you really dont know what the other is up to, but you have to trust that they wont cheat, because honestly, the moment you think the other person might cheat, is the moment you should realise you shouldnt be with that person.

Youll never get through a ldr being jealous or giving out to her and questioning everything she does over there, youll only push her away.

Of course you are going to be a bit worried, but dont let it get to you. When she talks about meeting this guy, just be cool about it, and say something like, awe i wish i was there to do that with you, sorry you are stuck with him etc etc

She probably didnt mention that this person was a boy to you, because she figured you would think like this and didnt want the argument. If I were you Id tell her you didnt realise he was a guy and ask her did she avoid that on purpose? and tell her you have no problems with her being friends with a guy (if you dont) but you feel like she hid it on purpose and thats not good. Or something like that.

I wouldnt jump to the conclusion she is cheating, because if she was, she could just as easily made up a girls name and lie about where she was.

Just talk to her.

Gyalist

Cheater? wrote: »

Any thoughts as to why she is sort of hiding this from me? Should I fear she is cheating?

Perhaps because she suspected that is exactly the way that you would have reacted. Maybe she is cheating, maybe not. No one can tell you that.
What I can tell you though is that LDRs are not noted for their high survival rates.

"A bird in your bed is always better than ten in your head".

ManOfMystery

hmmmm1 wrote: »

Ah come on, if you are in a committed relationship you arent allowed go for a dinner or a walk with a friend just because they are male? Thats not true

Of course not - my girlfriend has a few male friends and often meets them for lunch.

But let's be honest, going for dinners and walks on the beach and keeping this from her boyfriend is a different matter and seems slightly deceitful. And why would she be deceitful? Possibly if she was cheating.

Not saying it's a certainty, just a possibility. It would certainly set alarm bells ringing for me.

LegacyUser

This really means nothing. The fact is most girls will have some kind of male outside of their boyfriend who is vying for their attention through the 'friend' route. Most girls will simply see them as just that, friends. Obviously we as men, know their true intention but I wouldn't be too worried. My current girlfriend is a model and has a lot of what I call 'hangers on' that text her every day asking how her day was or asking if she wants to come out clubbing. I tend to feel sorry for them. Obviously this isn't a general rule, males can be friends with female without any attraction on either side but even if this guy wants to get with your girlfriend doesn't neccesarily mean she wants to get with him. A lot of girls see guys like this as nothing more than a confidence boost or simply a 'caring' friend.
Though by her continuingly meeting with him there is a chance she could fall for him (which im sure he is hoping she will) this rarely happens. A lot of girls who see guys go for them though the 'friend' route simply are turned off by their lack of confidence to ask them outright.

pisslips

I have to say thatI was being intimate and sleeping with a girl in an LDR for about four months. It definitely happens, they're still together, eventually I cut all contact because well, I liked her but she wouldn't break up.

It got to me when he'd call and she was on the phone to him telling him she loved him etc and I was in the bed next to her.

I couldn't really compete or anything, she chose him and I wasn't going to say anything because it would just be kind of spitefull but I would have loved to tell him, I just figured it was none of my buissness. Maybe she did tell him, I doubt it but anyway, just pointing out that it does happen, particularly when men and women are lacking attention and intimacy.

She told me she loved me then she'd send him an e-mail saying she wished he was sleeping beside her.
People are nuts.

All you can do is demand absolute honesty and then you should trust her. Other than that, you'll just be a paranoid mess.

You should point out that if she respects you she should not hide things from you but that you still love her and trust her.
If she gets very defensive then you have a problem obviously.

Could be either tbh. I can tell you that I often go for dinner or cinema or whatever with male friends, sometimes just one and it's totally platonic. Sometimes I don't mention it to my boyfriend (I'm in a LDR) because I simply forget, and sometimes I just don't think it's worth making him stress that something might be going on when there really isn't. If he ever asked for any specifics about who was there I'd definitely tell him.

LegacyUser

Op here

Many thanks for all your responses.

Just to clarify, I really don't have any problems with her meeting guys (i'm not the jealous type), but I just don't like the lack of details she gives me when it is one of her guy friends. I just don't get why she has to do this, id actually prefer for her just to tell me straight out. But she just seems to prefer not telling me. I know absolutely nothing else about the guy, and i feel that perhaps she doesn't want me to know about him. (wouldn't she tell me about him then?)

I hate asking specifics too, because it can be interpreted by the other person as a lack of trust or a control issue.

I really don't know what to conclude! Ive read the posts here, and to be honest I have gotten a shock or 2! I realise that trust is a major factor here, but i'm kinda feeling now that LDRs are a risky position to be in for someone to get hurt in the long run. There is no prospect of me moving to her or vice versa until at least late next year.

I asked her yesterday was she meeting that guy, and she said she was meeting him today for a drink. She also said to me not to worry, that he was a guy she knew from college and then said something to the effect that he is "not boyfriend material" and that I was. ((Any thoughts on this comment?)) This was all by text message. I took poster #3's advice and just played it cool, and was just mentioned to her that I didn't mind her meeting other guys etc.

magneticimpulse

Hi Cheater? I can definitely related to this. I was in a LDR this year. Things were great for the first 8 months. There was complete trust in my part...but then his side of trust started to decrease. He read my emails, looked at photos, msn conversations. I didnt mind, but then this had the effect of knocking my trust in him and wondering what he was up to. Ive lots of "just guy friends" from college. To be honest, i understand. Sometimes you just not attracted to the person in that way. There is no chemistry with that person sexually but they are a friend, just like any female friend. My ex got lots of female friends...he said it was no different to my male friends. Looking back I wish i didnt have doubts. I dont think he ever cheated on me, but its when you start to be obsessive,pushy, and wondering what they up to, thats when it all goes wrong.

If you like her, just relax, let her have her freedom. If she likes you, then she will date you. If she interested in someone else, she will date that person instead. I think LDR are harder, but you can equally have problems in short distance relationships. If she is really the right person, you guys should be able to work through it. If not, well then time will tell. The worse you can do in this situation, is ask her too many questions. Just enjoy the conversations and let her just tell you the information she wants to. Just leave it at that. It either works or doesnt work, but dont force it.

defence forces

Yeah she probably is. I went out with a girl from Tipp a few years ago. She always had loads of male friends who she seemed to be very close to. Anyway I went out with her for a few months and she managed to get a yeast infection which she passed on to me (which was just great, because nothing says love like yeast infection-because of this fact i have been finding it hard to let go). Least to say I was not impressed, of course I didn't let this fact on. But I felt it best to let it go as she was going travelling a few weeks later and frankly it's always good to get free sex.

Honestly it's probably best you dump her sharpish and get on with life, unless you like the sex which i presume your not getting but she is. She's leading you on by the sound of your story. What you should do is confront her on your man and say something like: you want an open realtionship, that is providing you are already in one,. as after all it is a long distance relationship. Anyway think about it. what are you going to do marry her? are ya nuts? go with your gut instinct it's usually right.

cafecolour

She's prob not mentioning his name because she had a previous BF who got jealous when she hung out with male friends.

No, I'd say she's not cheating. If she was cheating, she'd outright lie rather than just not mention a name (ie she'd say she was out with XXXX female friend).

In all likely hood she's using him as a 'platonic boyfriend' while you're not there - ie someone to go to dinner with and the like but that she has no real interest in (and she's not doing anything with but using as a place holder).

He's probably into her, and she's just using him for the attention at the moment. Likely, he is not her type and 'in the friend zone' and it will never lead to anything. There is a chance there is something underlying, and if it keeps up and you stay a way she could get more attached to him.

Emme

cafecolour wrote: »

He's probably into her, and she's just using him for the attention at the moment. Likely, he is not her type and 'in the friend zone' and it will never lead to anything. There is a chance there is something underlying, and if it keeps up and you stay a way she could get more attached to him.

Maybe she's not cheating but doesn't realise how much he's into her. He probably knows about you and thinks "ah shure her boyfriend is in another country, long distance relationships don't work, it's only a matter of time..." I'd be more worried about him than her.

Have you made any sort of commitment to each other or have you plans to move to be nearer each other, ie be in the same country?

Stones85

She's a cheat.

Why lie and be so evasive with the person you love. I wouldn't accept we're just mates crap. Even if she hasn't yet, do you want to be with someone who lies and evades your questions

Cheat cheat cheat.

Cut your losses.

magneticimpulse

defence forces wrote: »

Yeah she probably is. I went out with a girl from Tipp a few years ago. She always had loads of male friends who she seemed to be very close to. Anyway I went out with her for a few months and she managed to get a yeast infection which she passed on to me (which was just great, because nothing says love like yeast infection-because of this fact i have been finding it hard to let go). Least to say I was not impressed, of course I didn't let this fact on. But I felt it best to let it go as she was going travelling a few weeks later and frankly it's always good to get free sex.

Honestly it's probably best you dump her sharpish and get on with life, unless you like the sex which i presume your not getting but she is. She's leading you on by the sound of your story. What you should do is confront her on your man and say something like: you want an open realtionship, that is providing you are already in one,. as after all it is a long distance relationship. Anyway think about it. what are you going to do marry her? are ya nuts? go with your gut instinct it's usually right.

This is quite an immature attitute, plus you might want to change your username from defence forces. Many things can case yeast infection. I went through the same problem with LDR. I could tell something wasnt right with bf, maybe yeast infection, i got tested and I certainly didnt have anything. At the time I had complete trust in him. Long story short, we had been seeing each other, things were up/down, out of the blue he put up a poll on a forum asking people whether he should dump me!! Then a girl contacted me from the forum (not this one of course) and said "dont worry i was there before you", "and at a party he slept with this other girl"...basically this girls English was not so good, so I could not tell if she had been with him as well. It would have been around the time when he had something dodgy. Anyway I never had full proof about what this girl emailed me, it could have been someone taking the piss or it could have been true.

In retro spec I had a good time together with him when we were in the LDR. It could have gone further who knows. In the end, it was more the poll he put on the forum that really showed his colours. I made mistakes of accusing him of doing things with other girls...but I never had any proof and things only got worse. If I had my chance again, I would not have been so obsessive about this topic and just let it take its course. You have no solid proof, so until then you just have to trust that person, because all woman have male friends and all males have female friends and you just cant accuse them of something without proof. If your insecure with this girlfriend, I dont think it will make much difference with the next girlfriend as the insecurities are with yourself. Be more positive.

Hope things are still going well

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, OP here.

Thanks to everyone who replied esp magneticimpulse for her feedback.

I spoke to my gf about the issue last week- i said it to her straight out in a non-confrontational manner. Long story short she said she is not cheating and I believe her 100%. This guy has been friends with her even before I came on the scene, and she has explained he is purely just a friend and nothing else.

Her reason for not telling me details about meeting him is that she was afraid I would get jealous (especially because im in a different country). Its fair to say she was not completely hiding it from me but just a little bit apprehensive to say it was a guy friend. I can understand this. I asked her how would she feel if i was meeting girls here and not telling her many details on it- then she understood exactly how i felt. She apologised and said she would be more open in the future.

I agree with some posters saying that this guy friend is probably into her, and so what. He can like her as much as he wants to but at the end of the day she has chosen to be with me. As for the future we are planning to live together mid next year, so hopefully things will go to plan

At the end of the day I fault myself on this- this topic is completely due to my own insecurity. I had difficulty understanding why she was apprehensive in telling me, but I can totally see it now.