Can't get over the breakup.

LegacyUser

Folks,

Going unregistered for this. I was going out with a girl for two years. We broke up about 8 weeks ago, as the relationship had become damaging for both of us, each of us had pressures that were leading to fights. I ended it, based on advice I recieved from a councillor I was visiting. For the first few weeks I was doing fine, I got upset occassionally, but signed up for some nightcourses, took up some exercise. Felt good. Getting on with my life. Lonliness was a factor, I have a small circle of friends, and after seeing someone every day, hanging round with her mates etc, it was a significant change of environment.

Then I visited her Facebook profile one night, and saw she was going out with someone else. This really affected me, that she had bounced back so quickly. My life has fallen to pieces since. I contacted her one night when drunk, and cried to her about how much I missed her. Next day I contacted her again to apologise for my behaviour. We have had sporadic contact since. She invited me round to her place one night, but as she was drunk I refused. I knew it would make things worse.

I visited the doctor and they took me off the anti-depressants I was on, as I felt they were not working, and that I dont really have "classic" depression. I was prescribed xanax for the wretched anxiety I feel when I think about my ex. I have since had a one night stand, and have met two girls from a dating website. One was beautiful, intelligent, witty and we spent 4 hours together the first night. We have arranged to meet again next week. However I'm facing into a weekend where I have no one to be with, no one to socialise with. I'm frightened, lonely, alone. When I visit the ex's facebook page I get terrible anxiety. It is like a compulsion visiting it. I haven't contacted her in a few days, in fact the last communcation was from her.

What do I do? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard-place. I know the relationship will not work, she has moved on. I can't stop crying.

Loopsie

all i can say is god love you and please dont take this as patronising but time heals all wounds
Ive been that soldier and i completely understand the compulsion to look at her page, again BEEN there!!!
Advice i can offer you that worked for me as difficult as it may be to do, is delete her as a friend. What you dont know wont hurt you and that way you CANT see what she is up to.
Do you have any close friends that you can confide in, i have to say i owe alot of my recovery to one of my friends in particular she was always at the end of the phone and would come over at the drop of a hat!
I wouldnt suggest going out getting pissed as depression can be 10 times worse the nxt day

Make sure with the internet dating that you are not just doing it for the need to have SOMEONE anyone if that makes sense. Even though i have no doubt that people have created successful long lasting relationships from internet dating there is a fair few false people on those sites and often play more mind games than in real life. When you are feeling so low another blow could be detrimental.

Anyway hun its a bank holiday and i know its easy for me to say chin up........call some people you havent seen in a while, catch up, laugh at old stories, spend time with family (if thats possible) or go halloween costume shopping!!!!
Best of luck
L x

eviltwin

Hi OP

First of all 8 weeks after a two year relationship isnt all that long. I know people who have had much shorter relationships that ended and its taken them a lot longer to get over it even if the relationship wasnt a particulary positive one to begin with.

You cant just expect to wake up one morning and suddenly be okay just because you've passed the "magic" two month mark..everyone is different and just because your ex has managed to bounce back really quickly by all accounts doesnt mean your going to be the same. Nor should you try to be.

In fact I'm a bit doubtful as to whether she really is as over you as you seem to think.

I dont know anyone who would be back on the scene that quick after a break up, even the ones who might be wouldnt be so sad to put their new relationship up on facebook for the world to see. It sounds more like she knows you'd be the type to look her profile up so she's decided to mess a bit with your head - probably the type of thing you were dealing with while you were together I reckon

Rebound shags might pass the time but they dont exactly do much for your self esteem and its not really fair to the girl you plan to meet next week to string her along if you know your heart isnt really in it.

Stay away from facebook, dont allow yourself to get into the habit of checking up on what your ex is doing. Surround yourself with friends, by all means get out there and meet new people but keep it stictly platonic.

Time is a great healer..yeah its a real cliche but take it from someone whose no stranger to heartbreak that its also true. You do slowly get better but you have to cut the ties of contact before you can really start to heal.

LegacyUser

Thanks' folks, some great advice there, good to hear I'm not alone in all this.

The issue with the facebook is that she removed me as a friend, but she still has a public profile. It's all there for me to see. I can feel my anxiety rise as I visit the profile. I just find it so hard to stop this. I wish I was the stronger man to stop doing it, but it's so difficult.

As for the girl next week, I'm not stringing her along. I found her interesting and really enjoyed my evening, we chatted away. I felt rather wonderful last night. I then headed home, looked at the exs profile and had to take 2 xanax to sleep. Meeting the new girl was my attempt at moving on, it isn't my intent to do the rebound shag, I can go to Coppers for that! I'm not expecting any miracles, I just wanted some company, I'm actually a bit of a gent if I can be so arrogant!

I suppose I'm just facing into a weekend without anyone. Work commitments mean I have to stay in Dublin, my family are down the sticks, and the usual chaps I go with are all away. Its just me and an empty house. And its getting me very down.

LegacyUser

Stressed Eric

Sorry to hear about the break-up. I know from recent experience that 8 weeks on is still very raw. It could be six mmonths, or more. Or less. You just wont know. But hang in. You wont always feel this bad.

Adding to the advice already given, work on getting easy with being on your own. Long weekends are harder than most. Unlike me, you're lucky being IN Dublin with all the facilities and places to go to spend some time.

How about visiting a gallery? Sitting reading in St Stephen's Green? Strolling the streets/parks on a photography walk, alone or with friends? Go early enough to end with an unhurried, leisurely coffee and read (paper/book, review photos) etc

Hope you bounce back OP. It's a sh*tty situation but it will ease for you.

Loopsie

Love, the only person who can truly make u feel better is yourself, friends are brilliant for distractions and being there!!
I would suggest blocking her on facebook that way u wont be able to see her info or her yours, drastic it may be but if it helps u move on!!

Look after urself, cos if u dont love yourself no one else will. I sometimes find im my own best company!!

L x

hollis12

Mate loopsie is so right, i went through a break up two years ago i found myself checking her profile and as you say the anxiety and heart sinking feeling are all to simular, i realized though i saw her as a solution to the missing aspect of my life, i needed to be happy in myself first and foremost and i found focusing on that was a big distraction, i was in the same situation mate so feel free to pm me,

Pyr0

First thing you should do and this bit is quite obvious is to NEVER look at her facebook, it doesn't help and never will. Don't do it. Secondly fair play for finding someone you get along great with so soon after the break up, it's always nice to have someone there for company and a nice chat. In my opinion, I reckon you should see how that develops. It'll help you get over your ex focusing on someone different and new. If it's not something you can do right now then make it clear to the girl that you don't want anything to develope past friendship etc. No point hurting someone when you're hurt yourself

CDfm

Holiday weekends are crap if your on your own - keep very busy and call in friends etc.

I read your post. First things first you broke up the relationship because your councellor told you too. Thats all fine and dandy but surely there was a reason for the fights break up other than the councellor told me too. Now I can understand it in some situations -say if you are going for addiction councelling and she is a user, or in domestic violence situations, but telling someone to break up is extreme especially if it has made you miserable.


So you need to review the real break up reasons for 2 reasons. the first being were they valid and should you make an attempt to get back. You mentioned that she called you when drunk. Was drink a feature of the relationship and break-up? The second being that you dont want to brink taxic behavior into a new relationship.

Best of luck with the weekend and go out and stay active.

LegacyUser

Cut contact. Listen to youself. You had a great time, then went home, looked at her profile and took two xanax? Do you really need that? I know it's hard and you can convince yourself that you need to know things about her life, but jesus give yourself a break. You don't need that in your life. Delete the facebook, delete the numbers, get rid of the texts. Yes you are in a rut, but is this going to define your life for the next 20 years? No! Get on with it. If she stumbles back into your life, let her be the one to do so, don't go wracking your brain over her. It's better for you in the long run. Reading her facebook and then seeing guys comment on it, or pics of her with another guy only lead to one thing. Gut wrenching heartbreak. I know it too well. Why would you want that?

magneticimpulse

i agree with the comments. im going through a break up and thought id be over it by now. it does take time, but im happy ive not rushed into anything else and enjoying life. i also dont fully understand why you ended it? self destructive relationship? anyway, if you ended it, im not suprised the ex wanted to move on. as for her being happy, she prob not fully over it either but her way to deal with it. anyway, the fact is the relationship is over and you seemed to be doing really well before facebook. block her from it.

there is meetup.com and i went to one of the meetings. i live in france and find myself lonely at the weekend, so i totally understand the rut you are in. they dont have many things her but in dublin theres always lots happening via the website and its not a dating website, so you will actually meet normal people who just want to do stuff over the weekend for similar reasons as yourself. i definitely recommend that site to get out there at the weekends.

make sure your eating well, sleeping well, exercise. general well being has a lot to do with how you feel.

LegacyUser

Hey sounds rough,
but the facebook thing is getting to you , you need to sort that.

Email her and ask her to make her profile Private, be honest and tell her you are hurting, she will understand in my opinion and make it private.

Only other thing I would suggest is that you talk about it to your friends or someone, being a guy I understand some guys are **** at speakinga bout stuff like this but the ones you think might not be good can be amazing., a problem shared is a problem halved.

best of luck