Will he ever be my boyfriend?

blairbear

Just want some advice on this situation...as to whether there's any hope or am I just pissing in the wind??

I've been seeing a guy for three months. I'm in my mid-twenties and he's a few years older. He chased me for several months while I was still in a relationship with my ex and when we broke up I ended up kissing him one night (literally two days later).

I knew from the word go that he was a bit of a player, always kissing and hooking up with very attractive girls. I know I must sound naive but I genuinely thought he'd be different with me, given how long he spent pursuing me. We see each other three or four times a week and always have a lovely time together. We stay over at each other's places, we have sex, we wake up together and everything's lovely and sweet. However, we have the same social circle and on nights out, he just won't hang out with me. Everyone knows we're dating but he seems to hate to be seen as being "my man", so to speak. He's told me he's not seeing anyone else and hasn't been with other girls since we've been together, but yet tells me he doesn't want anyone to be his girlfriend right now.

I really want a boyfriend. I want HIM to be my boyfriend. I've said as much to him a few times. He says he will be eventually, but I've no time frame on it and I don't want to be controlling and be all, WHEN??!! I know myself I'm a pretty, intelligent girl. I've a fab job and do modelling part time. He's very, very successful and has a lot going for him too but in objective terms, I've a good bit more going for me. I don't wanna sound big headed but its taken me ages to even realise that.

Is he just stringing me along or is this actually going to be a proper relationship at any stage? I'm not into ultimatums etc and can't imagine forcing an answer from him re; where we stand..but should I or just leave it? Three months in and you'd think a guy would know..

G-Money

Hard to say to be honest. I think if I was going out with a girl for 3 months I'd have a fairly good idea of whether I wanted her to be my girlfriend. Actually come to think about it, if I really liked her, I wouldn't wait 3 months to "lock her in" as my girlfriend.

Seriously though. If I really liked a girl and wanted her to be my gf, I wouldn't just leave it hanging for that long. We'd have had the discussion long before that.

I've no idea if he's cheated on you or anything but I get the impression he might not be into you that much. It's really hard to say and I kind of agree with you about not having ultimatum's. I read a good statement about ultimatums that described them as "a desperate way for someone to try and influence a situation they have no control over".

My guess would be if that he doesn't "step up" soon, let him go.

Beruthiel

blairbear wrote: »

Everyone knows we're dating but he seems to hate to be seen as being "my man", so to speak. He's told me he's not seeing anyone else and hasn't been with other girls since we've been together, but yet tells me he doesn't want anyone to be his girlfriend right now.

Then why are you bothering.?
He has straight out told you that you are not his girlfriend.
Talk about keeping your options open.

After 3 months, if he's not ready to be exclusive, dump his ass before you get anymore into him.
You want something he is not willing to give and all you are doing now is walking into heartbreak the longer you leave it.
Have some self respect, walk.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. Personally i think you could do a little better than this guy. As you said yourself you know he can be a bit of a player. A zebra never changes his stripes. The fact that he doesn't hang out with you on nights out is worrying. The fact that he doesn't want a gf right now would suggest that he will hook up with other girls if given the opportunity and until he finds the right girl to be his 'girlfriend'. That's my opinion. I'm a guy. I've an idea where he is coming from.

SarahSassy

blairbear wrote: »

we have the same social circle and on nights out, he just won't hang out with me.

Huge red flag. Seems to me like he is wanting to continue to appear single but string you along so you will go home with him at the end of the night.

blairbear wrote: »

Everyone knows we're dating but he seems to hate to be seen as being "my man", so to speak.

Have you asked yourself why?

blairbear wrote: »

tells me he doesn't want anyone to be his girlfriend right now.

When men say this they typically mean it.

blairbear wrote: »

I really want a boyfriend.

See above... He said he does not want a girlfriend.

blairbear wrote: »

I want HIM to be my boyfriend. I've said as much to him a few times.

And he has responded by saying he doesnt want a girlfriend.

blairbear wrote: »

He says he will be eventually, but I've no time frame on it and I don't want to be controlling and be all, WHEN??!!

Why why why would you let someone control you like this??? Why is he the puppet master and you the puppet? You jumped out of one relationship into another with no break. A break was needed her. This fella is playing you like a master fiddler but you are letting him. You have made it too easy for him.

blairbear wrote: »

Is he just stringing me along or is this actually going to be a proper relationship at any stage?

He is just stringing you along... It may eventually be a new relationship but if it were me, I would walk away til he knew what he wanted.

Dont settle for second best - why would you?

Wibbs

blairbear wrote: »

Three months in and you'd think a guy would know..

IMHO Yep he does know. He knows he gets to have the part time pretty girlfriend, the sex, the social interaction on his terms etc, without the responsibility of an actual partner. Sweet for him. Not so much for you. You're in bonkzone basically. I mean he's been quite clear that he doesn't want you as a girlfriend. He gets the odd bit of static from you which you don't back up with action. He keeps you sweet by giving you some hazy notion of "maybe down the line"(just like some women do with guys they want to keep sweet in friendzone). You stick around. Meeting him, sleeping with him. So yep he knows alright.

From what I can see, you had a winding down relationship with your ex, but rather than leave him there and then(as I suspect you find the idea of life alone/without a man tm hard to take), you stuck it out until this guy comes along. Big attraction thing going on. His player rep was attractive. Plus his lack of commitment was part of that attraction too, hence you're now willing to settle for things on his terms. It was a big part of the attraction. You thought maybe you were the one that could "change him" where all his conquests failed before. Big mojo for a lot of women, especially insecure ones.

As SarahSassy said a break was needed. A break to work out what you want and need in a partner. A break just to be with yourself. That's something we all have to do alone sooner or later.

What do you do now? Well again I suspect his lack of commitment is one of his most attractive features. It's a big part of what drew you to him in the first place. This will make it hard for you to drop him. You still fancy him rotten. So what may happen is you tell him you want an answer. He states his case as before. He goes off and plays the field. One night he calls and you come around to his way of thinking and we're back to square one. That's worst case scenario. Best case is that you realise you're attracted to him and the why. You realise he doesn't want what you want and you acknowledge you wont take second best. You stay single for a while. You play the field, go out enjoy yourself. Be with yourself for a while until you're happy that way.

My 2 cents anyway

Liam Byrne

blairbear wrote: »

He chased me for several months while I was still in a relationship with my ex and when we broke up I ended up kissing him one night (literally two days later).

So he's the type of guy who chases other people's girlfriends ?

Why are you even considering him as boyfriend material ?

From the sounds of it, he's one of those shallow "want what I can't have" types.

Wibbs

It's dumb too as more often than not if someone is willing to go along with that and do that to someone they claimed to love, don't be too shocked if they do the same to you down the line.

e04bf099

He is confident and you are malleable. He doesn't appreciate or respect you. I know lads exactly like this and I know how they justify it to themselves. If you break up he will pursue you for months I suspect. Don't give him the time of day. You are being used, without a single doubt in my mind. This is such a standard, black & white issue. It happens all the freakin' time and I have never seen any good come from such a scenario. My cousin was like this. He used to cheat mercilously on his fiance. I don't know why they broke it off. She may have found out, or he may have got scared. These sociopaths have complexes about women, who they wish to control, not to love.