I duno what to think...

LegacyUser

So going unreg for this, need to vent somewhere really!!

So me and my boyf (3-4 yrs) broke up last Sunday, mutually really, I had been thinking about it for a long time, and eventually got around to doing it. Haven't been upset as of yet- I feel like there is more of a weight off my shoulders; I have freedom now, nobody checking up on me, etc.

We have known each other for 8 years, and wer friends before, and agreed on Sunday we would stay friends, stay in touch etc. However, this hasn't happened, and it seems that he is cutting me out of his life totally-while still being there-checking up on my facebook status,etc. We are both from d same small town, so there is no way to avoid him, and furthermore his rather extended family are all within close reach... who all now seem to have a vendetta against me.

We also agreed that we would respect each other and not go off randomly with anyone in the near future, however, I believe he has broken this already..


This is all futher complicated by a close guy friend of mine (who I was with years ago), has been in contact saying he would like if we could try things again... but he has a girlfriend, and things are dodgy there... I would never ever their relationship, but he keeps saying that he is not happy, but doesn seem to be making moves to break up with her. And he doesn't know im single again either, just that i was thinking of it. His girlf isnt too happy with our contact so wer keeping quiet for "a little while", and he will get in contact when d time is right..

So, while I am very happy to be single, I just feel like the ex is not being fair to either one of us, especially since he wanted to be friends.... and then iv this other situation playing on my mind, not that that bothers me, but is still there.

Anyone any words of wisdom for me, or should I just lose faith in all mankind???

MissFlitworth

To be honest, putting a 'we're over but we won't see anyone else for the time being and still be friends' clause into the end of a relationship is a bad idea. You and your boyfriend are broken up, he's not doing anything wrong in being with other people, especially as it seems like the relationship has been over in your head for a long time. It's really hard to get over someone when still being in touch with them as friends so I think he deserves a pass on that one.

I don't see how you're pissed off at 'all mankind' either, you're the one getting yourself involved with a guy who has a girlfriend. Regardless of what he tells you about not being happy. Why not take some time to be actually single?

Peggypeg

Yeah I agree with the above. If you feel like a weight's been lifted that means the relationships been dying for a while. Agreeing to be friends and not see other people is NOT how to get over someone, surely you can see how silly that agreement was. Cut all ties, it'll make it easier on him too. Don't worry about the relation's vendetta, they're probably just trying to be supportive of their brother/son/cousin. When they see you're not fighting they'll loose interest eventually. Stay away from guy in relationship, it's just wrong, leave it alone, if he breaks up with the girlfriend maybe then but if you go with him while he's with someone that will just make everyone in the town think alot less of you, if you already have troubles with the ex's relations it'll just add to them, above all though it's wrong to cheat on people. My advice would be to enjoy being single for a while.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply MissFlitworth. I do want to be single-I want to be footloose and fancy-free etc, so I dont necessarily want to get involved with anyone or that guy, i just dont want our friendship to suffer, and lose him as a friend. I had never thought we would get together again, it was just what he said.. Bottom line there is I just want him as a friend.

And i totally agree with being allowed to do whatever he or I wants, but the reason we said that was as we dont/didn't want to see each other with someone else in front of our own eyes. I just dont think its particularly fair that either of us has to see the other person moving on in such a graphic way... and regardless of the fact he is allowed to whatever he wants, from my point of view, it hurts, theres no denying that.

The fact we live so close, we wanted to be friends, not enemies, to make it easier for everyone to get along- i dont want there to be a big wall between us either. The reason we broke up was that we had outgrown each other, and wanted different things from our relationship at that point- he wanted marriage; I have too much living to do to settle down like that.

I'm just frustrated because I feel that the feelings he said he had for me, during our whole relationship, are suddenly voided, and maybe he never felt that way about me... I do miss him and his company of course, but I'm happier in myself, and thats the price I have to pay..

Oh The Humanity

Yes I have to agree with the other two posters.

When a relationship is on its on, the two of you were exclusive.
When its off, its off, either party can be with who they want.

You say you had been thinking of breaking up for a long time and you finally 'got round to it' -which indicates it was you that made the break, so the expectation/request/demand or whatever that he would not be with anyone else is unreasonable and slightly selfish if you ask me.

As for the fella who is attached, leave him alone. Im not suprised his gf is pi$$ed off with the contact. She has every right to be. If they are not happy then its up to them to sort themselves out or break up. Either way in the meantime its none of your beeswax.

Re the vendetta, its possible your exes family have caught wind of the contact between you and the fella with the girlfriend and think that you were working on/warming up that situation while you were still going out with their boy.

You say its a small town, so people possibly know more than you realise.

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Yes I have to agree with the other two posters.

When a relationship is on its on, the two of you were exclusive.
When its off, its off, either party can be with who they want.

You say you had been thinking of breaking up for a long time and you finally 'got round to it' -which indicates it was you that made the break, so the expectation/request/demand or whatever that he would not be with anyone else is unreasonable and slightly selfish if you ask me.

As for the fella who is attached, leave him alone. Im not suprised his gf is pi$$ed off with the contact. She has every right to be. If they are not happy then its up to them to sort themselves out or break up. Either way in the meantime its none of your beeswax.

Re the vendetta, its possible your exes family have caught wind of the contact between you and the fella with the girlfriend and think that you were working on/warming up that situation while you were still going out with their boy.

You say its a small town, so people possibly know more than you realise.

It was a mutual decision to break up, he brought it up, and I said I thought it was the right thing to do, since I had been thinking about it anyways.

No, nobody would know about any contact between us, it has been literally a text or two over the last while. Nothing at all to write home about. And I have stopped replying, as I don't want to be seen to have anything to do with anyone, I know what its like to be in that situation- I suppose it brings up the point that a boy and a girl can't be seen to be just friends, which I disagree with- history is a long time ago....

It wasn't my request to not blatantly be with others in front of each other, it was a thing he brought up and I agreed with to be frank. Maybe it was just said in the haste of the situation. Personally, i would feel like I have disrespected him if I did it to his face.

However like other posters have said, I should just cut ties, avoid all contact, and if i want to be with someone-do it, and not fear the repercussions, and ignore what will be said about me being inconsiderate etc.

Moomoo1

sounds like you still want him to be there for you and stay faithful without actually having the 'benefits'? Why is that?

it sounds as if he's been hurt by this more than you realise, ie the break-up wasn't _really_ mutual, it was all your doing. So he cut contact and went off with others to deal with it.

Dazzler88

Ughmen!! wrote: »

We also agreed that we would respect each other and not go off randomly with anyone in the near future, however, I believe he has broken this already..

I think your being a bit posessive,just because he may have been with someone else should'nt really concern you when your not his girlfirend anymore.

He has probably moved opn and you have to do the same.The only reason people make up agreements like this is because they hate to see their ex with someone else,its a jealousy thing.My best advice is forget about him.

G-Money

While people can try to be friends, I think it's naive and sometimes unreasonable to expect people to stay friends after a breakup. Depending on how it all ended, it could be very hard for one of the people to just be friends. In those cases, cutting them out of your life, either temporarily or permanently, may be the only solution. I know that may not be what you want, but in these situations you can't have your cake and eat it too.

That fact that you's are broken up doesn't necessarily oblige either of you to stay friends with each other. I personally don't understand this blind obsession people have with being friends with an ex. If they're your ex, its over. You don't keep going back to a job you left.

As for him not keeping up his end of the deal, I don't think you are being fair. He's single, so are you. He's entitled to do whatever he wants now, unreasonable break-up clauses aside. It's also a case of the pot calling the kettle black when you yourself are already chatting and discussing getting together with someone else.

You can't have it all your own way.

It's best that you and you ex just agree to leave each other be and let you both get on with your lives.

Who gives a f*** about is family. You are finished with him so you've no real reason to be in contact with them anymore. There's no point getting all tied up in knots over that, especially when it's completely unnecessary.

All the best.

CDfm

OP - if you are no longer together you can't impose conditions on him.

The other thing is you might have heard what you wanted to hear especially if you were doing the talking -like staying in touch or not going out for a while.

johnathan woss

It's fairly disingenuous to say the break-up was mutual when the fella wanted to marry you .....