Apathetic constantly thinking about suicide, nobody knows

sushmita

Hi. It's very hard to talk about what's going on with me in just a few lines, but I'm very worried about myself. I've had a very difficult year this year, I used to love travelling, doing many things, meeting new friends, now I don't like any of these things anymore. I've also had some health problems, I decided to start doing some volunteering, for helping who is need of, but also for realizing that after all my health problems haven't been so bad comparing to others; despite that I feel useless and my feelings haven't changed. I'm not sure I feel depressed, but I feel bored and apathetic at the same time, I'm constantly thinking about suicide, every day, rationally, like the end of an unuseful life I'm having. Nobody knows about it, I don't know what they might do. I'm in my late 30s, after many years I achieved the completion of studies for which I worked very hard, but I don't feel achieved at all despite so much hard work.
I saw a psychologist a few months ago, someone I knew and with whom I feel comfortable in speaking, but I didn't have the courage that I've been constantly thinking about taking my life.
If you have any inspiration to give me, please... save me.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

really wish I could advise. In the same boat apart from the volunteering.
Tried raising this with my family and wife. Wife knows a bit - just not just quite how much.

I have tried a few different things
> keeping busy; you know - anything from running; cycling; gym.
This helps for a bit - find the high from the exercise really helps.

Work though and where my career has taken me just gets me down.

Am thinking that this just has to be the same for a load of us out there.

Not sure if it is lack of courage hold me back - more the thought of the impact to my family and those that would have to deal with the fallout. Probably all that is stopping me when it gets really bad.

Maybe try talking to someone other than a friend - as helpful as they are - they do bring their own baggage - as well as pre-conceptions of who you are, see if your GP will refer you.
Also maybe try the exercise as well, endorfins really do have a lot going for them - you do not have to go mad - can start slowly, but it does help.
Also - if you do drink - stop it now - depressive - makes a bad situation worse.

sushmita

Thank you for replying so promptly. I'm actually quite busy like you, beside my job I'm also have another occupation (just once a week) and then I do sports, both active and slower (for relaxation). I don't drink or if I do, it's just one or two drinks and very occasionally anyway. I used to do running, but I cannot do it anymore for health reasons, but as I like other sports that's fine with me.
I'm in the same boat speaking about career as I honestly don't like my job. I've been looking for another position and possibly go back to the continent (I'm not Irish), but when I have an interview it's frustrating for me lying about my interest in a certain position which I don't have, but unfortunately that's the only job I can do and at my age, it's very difficult to change completely. Considering the recession, then, even harder. I'm not pessimist, I'm just realistic.
I've actually never spoken to a friend, I tend to be very private with my things. I have the feeling that whatever problem I have, stupid or serious, people don't want to listen to my moaning (although I don't really I think I moan anyway). I don't know how I could manage to speak to a GP, I mean to any GP, I need to feel comfortable to speak about certain things... unless I just show up to any doctor and I say hey, I'm thinking about commiting suicide all the time, can you help me? I'm not sure how this can work.
My mood is up and down, I guess I'll never find the serenity in my life sometimes probably too many scars difficult to erase.
Thank you so much

Overheal

Is it like people think about their lives like a Stock Trade? Its, really not a stock. Your life will never go bamkrupt unless you let it. So cutting your losses (excuse the pun) is really silly. You will have those high points again. Everybody has slumps.

If you feel you have achieved nothing, then you need to asses how you have been evaluating achievement: What are the conditions of success in your life? Are these conditions reasonable? Are you constantly setting impossible goals for yourself?

I saw a psychologist a few months ago, someone I knew and with whom I feel comfortable in speaking, but I didn't have the courage [to tell them] that I've been constantly thinking about taking my life.

Then you did yourself no favor. Zilch. Nadda. Perfectly Zero. You want to be saved? You have to save yourself, ultimately. You took the first step today. You told someone (albeit anonymously) that you are having these thoughts. The next step I believe is going back to that psychologist and confessing these thoughts.

probably too many scars difficult to erase.

You know what else gets gouged cut and beaten and comes out all the better for it?

Sculptures! Stop thinking of negative life experiences as crippling.

LegacyUser

Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When you're suffering from depression - trust me, I know I had seven years with depression - it alters you're perception of yourself and the world. You view your life through a faulty lens as it were. All you can think about is failure, sadness etc. But there is some great therapy out there and some great therapists (some bad one's too, but that's life) get yourself some treatment. Feeling sorry for yourself wont help one iota. Get out there and get better, you have responsibility to love yourself!

miec

Hi Op

It sounds like to me that you are clinically depressed. I personally would suggest two things, when you are feeling suicidal, you can ring the samaratians, they are volunteers who want to help and listen.

Then I would seek some form of therapy. You mentioned emotional scars, therapy can help you to overcome the pain of those scars. I personally would suggest getting a trained psychotherapist, mainly a referral through your doctor. If your body was suffering an illness you would get it treated, well your mind has an illness and you need help.

Unfortunatley we all have to carry our pain, but you don't need to carry it alone, there is help out there, please don't be afraid or ashamed, it is this or your life. Take care and if you can do nice things for yourself. Imagine yourself as a piece of precious cargo even if you feel like ****.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I could have written your post. Very similar to you. Been feeling like you for abour 3 years now. I had one bad year, the middle year, when I used to have constant death thoughts. Not so much commiting sucicide, but I used to go to bed and lie there thinking, it would be better if I didnt wake up.
I am a fair bit better now, hardly any death thoughts, but plenty of loneliness persisting. I have had a fairly good summer, been running a lot, and I know that helped. Good to hear you're taking part in exercise.

sushmita wrote: »

but when I have an interview it's frustrating for me lying about my interest in a certain position which I don't have,
Thank you so much

This bit in your post is totally me as well. On my first day in my job, I sat thinking "I don't care". It sounds like laziness, but I don't know if it's laziness or what. I just dont know what my own problem is. I walk around seeing happy people, and I just wish I was like that. I would trade my education/job for hta happiness! Im a bit pessimistic, and I know it ain't helping. I sometimes say to friends about how Im feeling, only the loneliess part. I think they think I'm a big moan.
I'm so apathetic and bored like you. It's an effort to smile and chat to people at work.

SOrry that I can't give much advice. I think you need some form of therpapy, as do I (but I'm too scared to make that move).
Hope your'e braver than me!
g-luck!

LegacyUser

sushmita you should try to go to someone like maybe a CBT therapist. they deal with depression and also the stresses etc due to illness.
I have had similar feeling to both you and "same as" in that i was disappointed when i woke up in the morning. I also have a serious illness and it has taken my entire life away and there is no end in sight. I was thinking it is like being tortured slowly to death every day except i will not die from it and worse still i look totally normal so only very close people understand. i may recover or I may not and that is difficult to deal with!

However i started CBT and apart from having a total outsider to talk to it has really helped me in understanding my own thoughts and how they effect everything including my physical symptoms.

i hope you feel better soon

opinion guy

OP maybe go speak to your GP. THey will do their bit and ask you abuot itAsk him/her for referral to councillor.

unless I just show up to any doctor and I say hey, I'm thinking about commiting suicide all the time, can you help me?

You could say just that if you want, they are trained to deal with this kind of thing.

ladywithtoydog

I also really recommend Cognitive therapy. I have been seeing a Cognitive therapist for about 6months and have found it much more effective than counselling because it seems to be more progressive and helps you get outside of your own head.

Though I still suffer from depression its an ongoing battle, sometimes it feels like i was born with this condition and it will never go away-I just have to keep fighting it. I used to think about suicide a lot more than i do recently and i think CBT has a lot to do with that--so do try it!

jenny4385

getting out there and being busy is fine but you cant keep your mind from wandering to suicide 24 hours a day....i find times when im by myself the worst...or if i get stressed i start to think bout it more

LegacyUser

If you have been thinking about suicide a lot coupled with apathy then to me it sounds like you have been depressed. But it is for a GP or psychiatrist to make that diagnosis.
I think the first thing you should do is go to a GP. If youre not feeling like doing that but you later feel suicidal at any point just go straight to A & E in the nearest hospital and you should get to see a psychiatrist.
If you are diganosed with depression the treatment is usually medication and/or counselling. And the results can be amazingly effective.

kellyc

sent you a PM sushmita