ex wants me be back...do i want him back!???

LegacyUser

hi,

i broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years last month.
i broke up with him because i'm only 21...been living with him since i was 18 and it all got too much for me all of a sudden. i felt like i wasnt myself and i needed time to grow into myself and not be one half of a practically married couple. he loved me so much, did everything for me, literally adored me and he told me this all the time.

i was afraid that, when i'm older, i'll look back at these years and feel like i wasted them. he's 5 years older than i am so he was happy enough to be settled down.

to him, the break-up came completely out of the blue...he's still devastated. he texts me all the time to tell me how lonely he is, how he can't cope without me and how much he still loves me and that he'll wait forever for me. he really loved our life together.

it was a really cliche "it's not you. it's me" type of thing

our relationship was good at times. there was a few things that frustrated both of us. like i said, he was happy to settle down- i was more social. i liked going out without him, being spontaneous, going out with friends. he like to plan ahead and he didnt really like many of my friends. i don't know if they and my family liked him so much...they said they did but i'm not so sure. he would get annoyed if i would change vague plans we had together...like he would say lets go out the weekend after payday a couple of weeks before payday was due and say nothing else about it. then, in the meantime i would forget and agree to go out with friends. he would get sulky over this, it caused a few fights between us.

pratically, im not sure the relationship worked. i was frustrated about how he could not hold down a job...he's had 8 jobs since i've known him...some he simply walked away from, other's he was fired from. he didnt have the drive and ambition to focus on a career. i would find that really important- especially considering that we were practically married and we planned to spend forever together! he did things and sometimes acted in ways that made me uncomfortable. we didnt have too much in common. i didnt like the way he dressed at times and i would try to influence what he would wear which frustrated him as he felt i had changed him over our relationship.

since we broke up, i've missed him so much. i'm so lonely...am i even entitled to feel lonely since it's self-inflicted???

we make each other so happy. i do love him...it's hard to say if i'm in love with him. i was at one stage, but im not so sure any more.

i'm just so afraid of never being able to just be 21, and not forced in growing up andd worrying about bills, money, rent etc.

people have told me that i've done the right thing. at first i felt i was doing the right thing. i was listening to my gut feeling...but now, the little niggle i have inside me telling me to take him back feels like the same sort of little niggle that i had when my gut was telling me to end it.

i don't know, i'm so confused. i know this a huge long post but i need to let it all out!

i'm afriad i'll never meet someone like him again, or be as happy as i was (at times) with him. btw, i'm also his boyfriend if ya know what i mean...so it's not like it's easy to find someone as handsome and caring as him on dublin's gay scene, even anyman who's not only interested in one night stands! he really loved me for who i was.

it was a bit of a rut towards the end, but i wasn't perfect and mybe i should have worked more on it?? i felt like the spark was gone...does it come back? is it something i have to work for?

i'm sorry for this rambling post, but i'm really confused!

i don't know what i'm looking for by posting here. if you have no advise for me, i'd appreciate your opinion or even how you handled being in a similar situation!

thanks so much everyone.

Wagon

There's no point getting back together because the same issues will come up again and you'll end up breaking up again. One thing that stood out in your post was that it was only ever happy at times.

Darthhoob

Wagon wrote: »

There's no point getting back together because the same issues will come up again and you'll end up breaking up again. One thing that stood out in your post was that it was only ever happy at times.

that stood out for me too.

OP you mentioned a few times that you were only happy 'at times', i understand that all relationsips have not so happy moments but for you did it seem mostly unhappy/hard work...and only happy sometimes? that is how it came across.

i know the age difference is not that much, but it seems to be big enough to cause problems. i myself am in a relationship with a man 10 years older than me...but it works cos we both want the same thing (settle down have kids etc) i was never one for going out really but when i want to i do, i have that freedom. would you if you were to get back with him? you both seem to be at different stages in life and want different things. now...that CAN work but it will be hard work as there will have to be alot of compromising on both sides.

not sticking to a job can be a worry though. i think he will need to work on what he wants to do. make a list of things he likes and things he is good at and try and work on those points. although working somewhere 'basic' in the meantime. if you have responsiblities he needs to be responsible and not walk out of jobs.

have to say though, it's never really a good idea to try and change a way a man dresses, a person usually defines themself with how they dress (amoung other things) anbd to suggest change to their style can come across and wanting them to change their persona. my OH is a big scruff monster but i love him for it lol! ofc there are times when they need to look smart to make an impression...like job interviews and the like. but day to day? i'd leave him be.

you say you dont know if you are in love with him. i would say it is hard to know that when you are not with them, and when so many little things are so 'wrong'. i cannot really comment on your feelings but if you do start this relationship again it will be pretty much from scratch and not many people fall in love until AFTER they dated for a while.

if you do get back with him, take things slower. he wants to settle, and you dont want to yet. but what is the rush? too many people are settling just for the sake of settling....take things one day at a time and do the next step when ready.
goodluck sorry for the waffling

Peggypeg

Hey Sweetie, I think I kinda know what you mean. I was in a 5 year relationship with a guy 14 years older than me. He was a great guy blah, blah, blah, adored me blah blah etc. At the end of the 5 years together it felt comfortable, but that's all. I felt like I was living with a cousin or friend not a boyfriend. Like your guy he didn't really like anyone I liked, probably coz I generally like people my own age etc. So yeah great guy but it didn't make me happy, sounds like the same for you.

As for worrying about finding someone, you're 21 for christ sake!!! You defo will find someone else. I know that there aren't as many gay people as straight but there still loads!! I'd say forget about finding "someone", sow your wild oats, go crazy dancing, come back 2 days late and have no one to explain it to!!!! Seriously, let that niggle niggle all it wants, it's a stupid niggle anyway, you're looking back and remembering the good things, it wasn't good things all the time then was it? Granted I don't know you and I don't know him but it rings a bell with my own situation.

Either way, say you decide down the line he's the one for you get back with him then, certainly don't do it now.

Also the not being able to hold down a job is really bad, I'm the opposite myself and not knowing where my paycheck was coming from would bug the hell out of me, I don't think I could plan a life with someone with no drive or ambition.

Big Hugs,