I just needed to say.

LegacyUser

Hello.

I'm a longtime poster, and after watching the cursor flash for a while and constantly pressing the delete key....

A couple of years ago something happened that changed everything, i suppose looking at it now even the lead up to it didn't help. Someone really close to me, suicide.
For a long time after that I was emotionally numb i guess, when i t originally happened it took months to even believe that it did, i didn't even attent a funeral. anyways coming a weird family that never show emotion and dont believe in depression, I put everything away never to be expressed to anyone.

Even before this incident I wasn't the happiest, one of the main things me and this person had in common, a somewhat bond i guess. We were both somewhat depressed but as much as anyone was i though it was normal. anyway, after this happened i can safely say i was a lowest point in my life and alone now too, i was never much for friends.

I guess the expression its always darkest before the dawn comes to mind and at my lowest point something strange happened and I crossed paths with someone under really strange and unusual terms, Someone I could have never imagined loving more and now years later we're married. So since then and now a lot more things have happened, nothing as big i guess but a lot of things none the less. lately especially has been so stressful and i guess everythings just building up.

Lately its so hard to see any light, everythings falling apart around me and its hard to "make plans" or try do anything constructive. I sometimes find myself being a dick unintentionally by doing things like giving people one word answers or seeming distant.
I feel like im being unfair and in this state of mind i should drag anyone down with me.
Its like everything has been sliding away and maybe now its gone too far. Im sorry.

ShayK1

it might help to let us know what it is that you feel is falling apart. That way people can offer you some advice?

LegacyUser

Heavychest,

Do you associate the passing of your friend years ago with how things are for you now? Or do you think the feeling low you felt back then like that you shared with your friend is like what you're feeling now and you're afraid of what might happen?

The pressures on people in this tumultous climate are truly extra-ordinary. I believe lots of individuals and families are under severe strain, some have ended up paying the ultimate price. You are fortunate to have found someone who you love and is supportive right now. Given the environment, I hope people do manage to stick together and pull each other through

I myself am a victim to the collapse and, with other very stressful events going on in my life, I have endured some very dark moments more than once or twice lately but sadly dont have someone close to lean on. In moments of despair last week, I eventually reached out and went looking for professional help. I wont see someone til next week but for me, it is a start. Each journey of 1000 miles starts with one small step, and all that. It took me a very long time to take that first step.

Maybe now is the time you reached out, whether its emothional, physical or financial help you need. Dont do as I did and prolong the agony any longer than absolutely necessary. Talk to someone who can help you to help yourself.

Good luck Heavyheart.

Taltos

OP

a few things struck me.
Mainly that you are now growing distant from contact with other folk - one word answers will really only do one thing - leave them with the impression that you don't respect them - and so next time they might not even bother.

I think writing here is a good first step - as per the other poster maybe try to list out the reasons you think you feel like this.

But sometime you just need to talk to someone. If you think your OH cannot handle this - or blame themselves then maybe see if you can talk to someone else - someone you really trust or seek help. Someone I know really well tried to talk to a few of us recently but we really could not help - it was not enough for them at the time for us to just listen - but they have not gone for prof help and are doing a lot better.

Don't discount the impact of the suicide. I also come from a similar family to you. Tried to tell my mum a few yrs ago I was feeling depressed to get the std "sure what have you to be depressed about..."
Sometimes the people you really need to help you just are not in the right place to do this - don't take it personally - it is just they see things differently to us - and also see us differently to how we really are.

Maybe while you try to figure out what to say or who to talk to try to just get out and distract yourself - long walks, runs - helps a bit - but eventually you have to deal with the issues.

LegacyUser

I have a very similar story,

Someone who was very close to me killed himself a long time ago. For years it didn't really effect me. It did, but it was just in the background, I pushed it aside. I just got on with things.

It was only years later that it REALLY started to get to me.

But still, nobody who knew me could tell any different though. It was cutting me up inside. I think it was a form of survivors guilt. "How have I gone on to have this life, with someone who loves me, when my best friend is gone". Someone who was essentially the same as me and felt as low as me was now gone.


Sometimes I thought that the only reason I couldn't follow was because I saw the suffering of his family etc and knew I could never do the same. Sometimes I thought if I had have done it first, he would have been saved.

Sometimes I blamed myself for being so negative and pessimistic around him and being so wrapped up in my own issues and our camaraderie of negativity we shared might have pushed hime to the edge when I should have given him hope and seen how bad he was. But truth is, I was the same at the time. There was no way to tell.

You need to talk to someone about this. Please don't continue to push your friends away, please don't isolate yourself.

Reach out and get help, please.

I hope you come to terms with what happened. I hope you find ease to your suffering. Nothing is beyond repair, there is always hope.

Good luck friend, take it easy on yourself, nothing you could have done would have changed things. There was no way to know.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

As someone who has been to the depths of despair in terrible depression to now being fully healed and happy, I feel the advice i would have is that we are all from different family systems and when we grow into adulthood the way we handle our emotions is how we have see our parents and family deal with emotions- children tend to do what they see and not what they are told, but if you are from quite an unemotional unexpressive family then this is the root of your issues, when an emotionally traumatic experience happens later in your life -in this case your friends suicide, you then have to find a way to emotionally cope but how do you know how to if you have never seen anyone else deal with painful emotions in an accepting way???

What i learned and how i healed was to acknowledge and accept all sides of me, its very easy to accept the happy emotions but the sad and painful ones are equally important, it sounds like you need to mourn your friends loss and allow this pain to be released,

I found a therapist was very good for teaching me the emotional skills that my family didnt give me, i also feel that it is important to listen to your needs and not put them off because repressing your feelings can have terrible effects- increased anxiety, panic etc.


It was actually harder to live in the time where i was repressing all the feelings than to have a very hards few months of confronting my pain, which was then released and let go.


All the best.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Here's some info you might find useful:

Grief is not just one feeling, but a range of feelings and everyone responds differently to it. You may feel physically unwell as well as emotionally upset.

Physical symptoms include:
• Shortness of breath
• Dryness of mouth
• Loss of appetite
• Crying
• Tiredness
• Sleep problems.

Grief can also cause deep emotional upset including feelings of:
• Loneliness
• Anger
• Fear
• Guilt
• Rage
• Resentment
• Confusion
• Ongoing sadness
• Not wanting to go out or do the things you used to do.

These symptoms can be frightening but are normal reactions to grief.

How to cope

• Talk about it – talking to people you trust about your loss may help you to accept the situation
• Seek pastoral advice or spiritual support if you feel it will help
• Crying helps as it allows painful feelings to be expressed
• Make some time for yourself each day
• Have plans in place for when you feel down to make it easier to cope
• Take care of yourself – get plenty of rest, eat well and take time to talk
• If you are bereaved, only sort out the personal belongings of the person who has died when you feel ready – this act may help you to accept your loss.

LegacyUser

iknow wrote: »

I
It was only years later that it REALLY started to get to me.

But still, nobody who knew me could tell any different though. It was cutting me up inside. I think it was a form of survivors guilt. "How have I gone on to have this life, with someone who loves me, when my best friend is gone". Someone who was essentially the same as me and felt as low as me was now gone.


Sometimes I thought that the only reason I couldn't follow was because I saw the suffering of his family etc and knew I could never do the same. Sometimes I thought if I had have done it first, he would have been saved.

Sometimes I blamed myself for being so negative and pessimistic around him and being so wrapped up in my own issues and our camaraderie of negativity we shared might have pushed hime to the edge when I should have given him hope and seen how bad he was. But truth is, I was the same at the time. There was no way to tell.

This does sound familiar.

Its like this has always been there and now a lot of other things have built up and its hard to take things one at a time.

I guess the best thing for me would be to just talk, a release. someone that doesnt know me at all.