If tomorrow never comes

LegacyUser

Hi, this may seem like a silly post and i happen to agree with you but it's playing on my mind nonetheless and while I most likely wont act on it I still feel the need to get it out and typed out. Basically me and my ex broke up over two years ago now. We were together just under a year and I loved him, was good to him etc but he turned really nasty and cheated on me and told so many lies. He said some cruel things aswell like his cheating was my own fault and that it was not possible to be faithful to me etc but because he was unwell at the time and a bit depressed I kind of just let him walk all over me which I since learned was cowardly and immature. I realise now that playing into that rubbish did myself or him or our relationship no favours.

So he cheated on me and walked away with the girl he was seeing right in front of me and all of our friends. It shattered me but it was him who ended up dumping me, I just faded into a self conscious, humiliated little thing who couldn't stand up for herself. Anytime I tried to work it out or tried to show him I was upset he'd blame me somehow. So we broke up anyway and I've only seen him twice since though I haven't spoken to him in person because he was with one of the girls he cheated with at the time But we did text back and forth twice I think. Once was him saying happy chirstmas and when I said I didn't want to talk to him he just said ''whatever I'm not willing to fight with you''. I just couldn't ever get him to accept that he hurt me. In fact he even said he'd easily walk away from me than ever apologise to me for anything. Which I didn't deserve and I realise that now. But what's been playing on my mind lately is that I did really love this guy before he turned nasty. I hate what he did to me but I can't deny that there was a time when I'd have literally done anything for him but the fact that he wont even acknowledge that what he did was a big deal shows me that he didn't believe that I loved him.

Like after we broke up and I was crying (the shame) he said I probably didn't love him anyway and why the hell should he believe that I did etc. This is the insane part, now that there are health warnings over swine flu I'm so scared that he could get sick again. Because of his medical condition he would be in the danger zone. I've just been thinking about him a lot lately and have been thinking that I really dont know what I'd do if anything did happen to him. It's just bringing back lots of old feelings like when he tried to kill himself and when he said he'd purposely drive off a bridge if I made the break up hard on him. (by crying, etc) So I think the terror I felt then at the idea of losing him made a big impact and that's why I feel the need to resolve things with him. I know it seems really stupid. I've been with other guys since and have felt strongly for one other guy but it just wasnt the same. I should mention also that the man I'm talking about was my first love too so maybe that's another factor why I can't seem to get past it.

I just worry that if he does end up sick or worse that I let it all end without him knowing how I felt. And even though I still feel hurt and humiliated by his abuse I can't help worrying about him. I know I shouldn't text him and I know he doesn't even deserve for me to contact him and I know my worries are stupid but can you help me put some perspective on it all please.

LegacyUser

Its the OP again here I realise I major mistake in what I wrote. It sounds as though I wana contact him to tell him I love him or to reconcile. This isn't what I want at all. I mean that we can at least be on talking terms. Not that I'm hoping to get with him again, just so we're not 'not talking' if you know what I mean. I'm not even looking for an apology. I'm just thinking, if it all goes wrong tomorrow that the last thing we said to eachother was nasty or sarcastic. I mean I don't think he'd reply or if he did he'd just be either aloof or filthy. (both have happened with him) I just want to get past the idea of losing him with the way things are now. Though, there is no now. We haven't talked in so long.

I just wanted to rectify my post in case you thought I wanted him back. I don't, I respect myself as a person far too much to accept that cruelty now.

Ickle Magoo

You sound like you are looking for reasons to get back in contact. He cheated on you & threatened you if you dared make the break up hard on HIM and you want to check he's not got swine flu?! Seriously now.

Write down everything he did that hurt your feelings and made you cry & leave it next to the phone, every time you get the urge to call him, read the list.

I'd also suggest asking yourself why you still want to be in contact with a man who treated you so badly, even as friends - why would you hand someone who was so horrible to you the opportunity to ignore you or be nasty again?!

Stop thinking that you "lost" him & consider it a lucky escape, tbh.

dellas1979

HHmmmm.

Sounds like you are suffering from some low self esteem. Not too uncommon at all after getting one of lifes little knocks.

I bet somewhere deep inside you still blame yourself for the relationship failing hence the feeling that you need to make things "ok" still.

Is someone who did all that to you seriously worth it? From what you said, he was down right ****ing horrible to you.

LegacyUser

In regards to ickle magoo's comment, I know it's stupid and I know he treated me like dirt, I dont want to get back with him, I'm not even sure if I ever want to see him or speak to him again, I feel scared and sick when I think about seeing him now but I'm equally as terrified of finding out that he could die and that I'd be feeling so so guilty for not trying harder to fix things so that he at least knows that he meant something to me at some stage.

Maybe it sounds morbid but I think it's because I nearly lost him when he got sick before and was so relieved when he was okay. But then the suicide threats brought back the same fear. And now it's a fear of him getting sick again. But to be honest I often worry about him, I seem fixated on the guilt I would potentially feel if anything ever happened to him. Plus, there is a part of me that wants and needs some closure and I doubt I'll ever get that from him but still, the fear of anything happening to him has as much of a hold over me now as it did when we were together.

To Dellas post, I think you're probably right with what you said, there is a part of me that still feels the blame, I'll admit that no problem. I also realise it's stupid but I often find myself remembering the night he dumped me when he drove away with her right in front of me and I often think to myself that I should have tried harder to keep him happy and I should have hugged him tighter or held his hand more or all of these other stupid hypothetical ways of keeping him from doing that. It probably is self esteem though I'm much better than I was when I was with him. Maybe I am just pining after him because I want to 'fix' myself, even my boss said lately that he's noticed my self esteem isn't what it used to be so I'm hoping this feeling is only related to that.

Also, in relation to having a fear of him dying, I know that probably sounds morbidly psychotic but I think this fear has subtly crept its way in after his suicide threats but also because my brother's girlfriend killed herself when I was younger and because I lost 5 family members to sudden deaths, one after the other. I got counselling at one stage and was really fine. Then I got with this guy and felt on top of the world but since we broke up it feels like there's a gap in my life and I'm only 21 so it shoudn't be this way.

I think I should probably see a counsellor before I make any decisions anymore, maybe my boss's recent comment on my confidence and the fact that even when I read about Stephen Gately's death and that little girl in Austrailia who died recently I actually couldn't catch my breath. I didn't know either of these people but seeing pictures of their greiving families absolutely broke my heart. So maybe my problem is that I got counselling after a string of bereavements and then met this guy and he messed me right up and now these small external things are triggering old feelings.
I think the best thing to do is probably to find somewhere to see a counsellor. I hope I don't come accross as crazy, you'd never know I had all these worries if you knew me. And I don't want people to think I'm insane for worrying about people I care about dying etc, I think it's probably a delayed reaction from everything that happened before. In a way, I hope that is what it is and that I'm not doomed to be pining for this guy for another two years.

Oh The Humanity

Jesus, I hardly know where to start here.

First of all OP, your ex is a toe rag. He is a worthless assh0le.

He used a method on you whereby he did wrong but he turned it around and blamed it on you. The break up wasn't your fault. You didn't fail in any way. In fact you were far too nice and lenient on him.

The method he used was to do wrong, cheat on you and throw you away like a burger wrapper he was finished with and then sow the seeds of doubt in your mind with statements like:

cheating was my own fault and that it was not possible to be faithful to me

he said I probably didn't love him anyway and why the hell should he believe that I did etc

he said he'd purposely drive off a bridge if I made the break up hard on him. (by crying, etc)

So you see he made YOU feel responsible for his messing. But you're not.
Not even one teeny tiny bit. Listen to me, he is as happy as a sand boy, there is not a bother on him. He is not suicidal. Suicidal people dont go around telling everyone and makign others feel responsible for their deaths.

He is a cowardly assh0le that can't make it as a real man. He takes an emotionally wounded vulnerable girl and casually plays with her mind and then casually moves on to another without compunction.

Now reading what you have been through with the 5 sudden deaths and the suicide, I can see where these feelings run so deep in you. After a series of terrible mind blowingly traumatic events what happens to people is they go into a state of post traumatic stress. Always looking and waiting for the next disaster to happen and the sky to fall in. No matter how many times people counsel you out of it, it is ingrained and very difficult to overcome.

You have done well to go to counselling and do some work on your self esteem. After what you have been through I admire you.

This guy is only responsible for himself. You aren't. He is a shallow bloke who treated you horribly. For your first relationship that is a disaster. Don't look at that as a blueprint of how relationships should be. It may have had its lovely moments (even the worst ones do) but dont let that cloud your vision.

As for this:

but I'm equally as terrified of finding out that he could die and that I'd be feeling so so guilty for not trying harder to fix things so that he at least knows that he meant something to me at some stage.

Darling, he already knows that he meant something to you and he doesn't CARE. Him saying to you that he felt suicidal because of you was just him playing the martyr and trying to manipulate you with guilt and it worked. Get these thoughts out of your head. Thats the work you have to do now. You are walking around feeling you made a mistake/left something undone/carry a stain, but you don't. You now have to make your subconscious mind believe that.

And lastly:

I just couldn't ever get him to accept that he hurt me. In fact he even said he'd easily walk away from me than ever apologise to me for anything.

He knows he hurt you but he doesn't care, he wants to ignore that and he has and he will. Thats why he used the threat of suicide to stop you crying. He is so selfish he wouldn't even acknowledge the visible demonstration of your pain (crying) His actions caused you pain, great pain and that is true. He does not want to acknowledge that, stop waiting for that. He wont do it. He is too selfish.

I hope you can move past this, having come through so much this ass really did a job on you. But you are better than this. Stop being the self conscious, humilated girl.

LegacyUser

Everything Oh The Humanity said is very true, I know he doesn't care about me and does feel any guilt or feel sorry etc. My issue isn't even to try get even with him or to try get an apology, I know I'll never get that. I suppose what's really pressing me is the fact that I have no closure, still, after two years. One day I was with him and I was okay and the next day he was with somebody else telling me it was my own fault. It was just a major crash suddenly and I got no answers or no closure and you're right in saying that was because he couldn't care less. I'm not denying this at all. I just really wish I knew how to get closure on it, so that I wasn't still worrying about him and that I won't continue to let myself imagine that i'd acted differently that day and that I could have stopped him cheating/breaking up with me. Basically I just want to feel better, I don't want him, I don't want an apology, I just want to wake up and not care what he thinks of me.

A lot of what the posters here have said is very true and I am thankful that you posted. I think I just want to speak to him, partly because I do care about him even though I've no reason to and mostly because there's a bit of me that wants to show him that I'm not lame like he thinks I am or to show him that I'm not only trash to be abused and used. I suppose I feel like, now that I'm older and have learned more about relationships and even myself, that I want him to see that what he thinks isn't true. And if I'm really honest I wish I could prove myself to him somehow and let him see I'm not as worthless as he thought I was. Again, I KNOW that's not going to happen. And contacting him probably wouldn't do me any favours so I guess my main question I need advice on is how to get that closure? I've been with other people, I've talked to friends, I have plenty of hobbies, I got a great degree last year, I rent my own place, have my own job, pay my own bills etc, I am independant so it's not like I'm sitting at home all day thinking about him. I do have a life but it feels kind of like there's a massive gap in it because of him. I'm still very young and I don't want to feel like this. How do I stop caring that he thinks so little of me? Is there anyway I can get closure on it?

Ickle Magoo

Would you consider speaking to someone, a professional? It says more about you & your state of mind that 2 years on you want someone who treated you like trash to approve of you or show some kind of regret. I hate to be the one to tell you but contacting a guy who was perfectly happy to treat you like that 2 yrs down the line is NOT going to show him how strong you are and how you're totally over him, is it? It's going to tell him you're still pining and thinking about him even though he trod all over you.

You need to accept he was poison, accept he treated you like crap - get angry at him for being such a selfish, ignorant creep and see that you deserve better than that - and hopefully then you won't care what he thinks or how he feels, you'll just be glad you don't have such a moron in your life any more.

LegacyUser

Hi worried girl. I hope that you see this post. In the past I have been just like your ex bf was to you. I was aloof, uncaring and cheated on my own girlfriend a number of times. I was in a bad place had llittle self respect and while I never wanted to kill myself I did feel really depressed and felt hopeless. You absoultely did not deserve to be treated like you where and deserve so much better (as did my girlfriend). I slept with lots of different women to give myself an ego boost and never considered my gf's feelings. I never told her about it and we broke up a number of times.

I would like to point out that I am still going out with my girlfriend and I don't cheat on her anymore. What was one time an on again off again relationship is now a very much on relationship. This happened because I wanted to change. I wanted to be a better person and to have more self respect and I have changed. I'm not saying that's what will happen for you but everybody has the ability to be a better person. He's going to need help and having been in his shoes before I know that he's not going to like being told that. If he's in self destruct mode he may not wamt to be saved. I guess all you can do is offer to help him but if he's not prepared to take it then as sad as it is you have to move on. He'lll never love anybody (in a friendship or more intimate manner) as lomg as he doesn't love himself and from your description thats how it is.

I hope that this sheds some light on things for you.

LegacyUser

Changed Man - Thanks for posting. It's not a case of me wanting to help him. I'm sure he's fine, he's been with many other people since me and you can be sure he's not still questioning himself over me or even wondering how I am. As far as he's concerned I don't exist anymore. He played me, got what he needed from me and then hopped straight into someone else's bed. It's me who needs the help now, to forget him and to stop doubting myself. While I admire Changed Man for changing and realising his mistakes, there is nothing I can do for my ex. When he was breaking up with me, he was taking phone calls from the girl he cheated with. Despite the utter degradation that was to me I still begged him to speak to a counsellor, I even offered to go with him. All I got was abuse and humiliation. There really was nothing I could do, he didn't want any help. Now, two years later I certainly don't have any intentions of getting back in contact to offer to help him. He may have been in a bad place emotionally but I didn't deserve to be set back so far. I was hurting too, over all of those bereavements and come to think of it, I never, ever, ever even mentioned it to him because all I was ever concerned about was how he was feeling. I owe the guy nothing now, I gave everything I could to him and he still felt it wasn't good enough. I'm grateful that you took the time to post but I really can't do anything to help him. I need to help myself at this stage.

Maybe I don't need to speak to him, I guess part of me was expecting that he'd be more impressed with me now that I'm older and I'm not the same person I was two years ago. But that implies that there was something wrong with me then and that it all was my fault. So you're all right that welcoming him back into my life is a stupid idea. I think the next step for me now is to speak to someone about my own sense of self worth. My last request for advice here is if anyone can tell me how to go about finding a good counsellor in Dublin City. There are many numbers online but I want to find one who is genuinely able to help me.
Thanks for taking time to post.

LegacyUser

Hey me again. I think its truely admirable that after everything you have been through you have the strength to move forward and seek help. You may not realise it but you've taken a big step towards recovery simply by admitting it. I know what its like being young and doubting yourself (I'm 24) and I haven't been through anywhere near the amount of stuff that you have. A friend of mine was having a difficult time a few years back and went to this lady http://www.goldenpages.ie/Counselling_%26_Advisory_Services/Callaghan_Ruth%2C________________Counselling_%26_Psychotherapy/IE_30960855_9999_1001
That friend is now one of the most self confident people I know and has never been happier. Maybe this can help you too? All the best and I truely mean that. I hope everything works out well for you and I absolutely believe that it will. Take care.

Karen_*

OP you could go back to him a thousand times with new improved versions of yourself and he would still be a horrible person. That is who he is!!!

He could fall madly in love with you and want to marry you but then he would just be a horrible prick who wants to marry you.

He could acknowledge that you are wonderful and how much he meant to you but he would still be Mr Horrible as a person.

He isn't going to die of swine flu. Only the good die young OP.

Let it go. You're too good for this. Well done for deciding to get counselling. I think you've got loads of unresolved grief issues because of your bereavements and your breakup. Thats why its going on so long, you feeling rotten and obsessing.


OP you have to give yourself closure. Closure isn't something that someone else can hand you on a plate. Lets face it any of us who have ever been dumped or treated badly do not feel one bit better for having got an explaination or an apology. You never ever get to say all the things you want to say. Closure deciding to let it go and move on with your life and it comes from within.

Talking will be good, you've so much going on up there and you need to let it all out and actively seek to recover. Hope you'll be ok, really felt like giving you a hug reading your posts.