What should I do?

LegacyUser

So I'm a regular poster here, but have never been an OP in PI. This is by no means my biggest PI over the last few years, but it's something I think I could do with some help with.

I'll start at the start. About a year and a half a relationship ended with my ex. It was really only after it ended that I realised how controlling he was. He was abusive (emotionally, mentally which were the worst, and towards the end had started to be a bit physical). Anyway I put up with all this, I lost myself, I gave up my job, I didn't see my friends, I put him first, and it was only when I was single again that I realised how he was and how I allowed him to be like that.

Since then I have been absolutely terrified of getting into a relationship like that again. I was with a few other great guys before him, and I knew really deep inside me, that I would never put up with the things my most recent ex put me through. But when I met him, it's like my whole personality changed (or dissolved) and I let him treat me like ****, and I put myself in the position where I thought he was the best thing ever, and I was so lucky to have him put up with me that I should put up with whatever he threw at me.

Anyway so for the first year after the break up I literally wasn't interested in any men at all. I was so afraid of getting into that situation again, and anyway it was good for me to be single and 'learn myself' again. Then, one night, I met a guy who I had known years ago, and he had my number from before, and we met up a few times. After about a month we kissed. I explained to him that I wasn't looking for a relationship, and told him in vague terms that I was afraid of losing myself again and getting into a relationship like the one before.

So we have been seeing each other for three months. During that time, he has been so nice, so kind, and so understanding. I think these are really important in a partner. He has some really great qualities that I really value, and feel I need in a man. For example, I have a lot of male friends, and he is totally fine with that. And he knows how much I love my friends and family and value them so much more as I would never have survived the last couple of years without them. And he really believes in me. I love that.

There are some things about him that annoy me, only very slightly, but I wonder should I be getting annoyed by little things so early into a relationship, or maybe I am just feeling like this because I am looking for the things 'wrong with him'.

I do fancy him, and sexy-time and cuddling-times are great.

The other night, there was a misunderstanding, and basically he told me how he was so scared of being hurt as he felt he liked me much more than I liked him. I told him he needed to "look after himself" and he took that as a "we should end this". This isn't what I meant, but I went home anyway.

Even though this isn't what I want - I really think that he is completely perfect for what I need right now in my life - I now feel that we should leave it as it is (finished). He is, and has been, so nice and good to me, and I want to be fair and kind to him. After three months seeing each other, I still don't want to call him my boyfriend. I don't want to commit to him. I don't want to have to tell him what I am doing on a Friday night, I don't want to make plans for anything more than a week with him.

The next day he was ringing me and saying he didn't want it to end, and I told him that we should leave it finished. He wants to meet to discuss things, I told him I would meet him this weekend. During the conversation the night before, and on the phone, he did 90% of the talking. He told me that he knows that I have issues from the past, and that he is willing to go as slowly as I need, he just wants to see me. I think this is unfair on him, because we are both late twenties, and although I am quite happy at being single forever and ever, I don't want to waste his time, when I can't promise him anything.

I'm sorry to write so much, but I feel it is necessary to give a bit of background.
Should I meet him this weekend, or should I just leave it as it is, finished, without really talking to him? However, I feel that, if it is finished, there is nothing to say.
Am I doing the right thing, by walking away? - even though I don't want to walk away now, but I feel that I can hurt him now, or stay/get back with him, and probably just hurt him more in the future. I don't feel it's fair to leave him 'hanging on' for me when I don't even know what I want.

If you got this far, thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for any thoughts.

LegacyUser

Hey, To be honest this sounds really familiar to me, but from the oppisate side. If this was written a couple of months ago id be wondering if I know you (if you know what I mean)

Don't really know what to tell you, the guy seems to really like and if he is willing to take it slow that should be his decision, he knows where hew stands and still he wants to hang in there so if you do like him I think you should give hime the chance as i said it his decision...

I made the fatal error of not recognising till it was too late that I needed to lay off, it guts me still a few months later but i blew it and need to live with that, to be fair in my situation the girl wasn't as forthcoming as you seem to have beenm she told me it was a crap relationship and that he had hit her, but she still couldn't get over him...so slightly different circs i suppose....but i feel the same thing applies in many ways, i got pushed away, but made the mistake of continuing to try and "help" her, I really liked this girl and would have done anything for her to make her happy, ended up pushing her away, this guy seems to have got the message and only wants to be part of your life in a way you feel ok with and see what happens.....I thinnk you should give it a go, you seem well matched and altough you say you would be happy to be single forever i think that will change so don't have regrets, trust me they suck!!!

Peggypeg

Sweetie, I think you should be as honest as possible with him. I do think you should meet up with and tell him everything and how you're rebuilding yourself and that you don't know what you'll want in the future etc. as in complete and brutal honesty. That way he can have a good think about what he wants and you can move forward from there. He does sound like a great guy, and you sound like a lovely woman, so considerate of him and not wanting to hurt him. Sounds to me like you'd be very good together. I don't think you'll always feel like being single, have you gone to councelling about the abusive relationship? It could really help you get through some of the issues. Listen to your heart, do you want to see him again? That's what it really comes down to, once you know that you can work on the other issues. Best of luck.