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Should these "little" things matter or am I being dramatic?

  • 22-10-2009 10:05am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My girlfriend gave up smoking about 6 months ago. I personally don't smoke and was happy to see her give up but I'd been with her nearly a year up to then so she knows it wasn't a dealbreaker for me.

    Anyway, I saw a pack of smokes in her car at the weekend which she claimed was an old box which had been in her car for months. Which again is ok, I'd be inclined to believe her only that she admitted to me a few weeks (she used to do E - again I knew about that, not a dealbreaker, I did it 2 times years ago myself, we all have a past!) that if she took E again she wouldn't tell me, so it's made me wonder. I was with her all weekend and she wasn't smoking so I'm actually fairly sure she isn't smoking again, but the fact that I'm wondering is now annoying me.

    Now if she started smoking again that's up to her, that's not where my concern lies. My concern lies in the fact that she might do so and not tell me, seeing as she said as much a few weeks back about the E thing. This has started to bug at me in the past few days and I do intend to talk to her about it. However I'm also wondering if I'm being a tad dramatic?

    So I guess what I'm wondering is, should it be a problem for me that she would be dishonest about this or am I being holier than thou by perceiving this to be dishonest in the 1st place?


    Thought please?


Comments

  • #2
    Peggypeg
    Closed Accounts Posts: 578 ✭✭✭Peggypeg


    Hey OP,
    I wouldn't worry overly about this, it doesn't sound like she is smoking again. If she is smoking again, I'd say she ashamed to tell you. I know whenever I start again (I can quit, I just don't seem to quit for long) I'm deeply ashamed to smoke in front of my mam, it's kinda like showing your failure for all to see, you know? I really don't think you should lose trust in your girlfriend even if she is smoking again, you should only loose trust over serious things, like big unnecessary lies, cheating etc. No one's perfect you know.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Peggypeg wrote: »
    Hey OP,
    I wouldn't worry overly about this, it doesn't sound like she is smoking again. If she is smoking again, I'd say she ashamed to tell you. I know whenever I start again (I can quit, I just don't seem to quit for long) I'm deeply ashamed to smoke in front of my mam, it's kinda like showing your failure for all to see, you know? I really don't think you should lose trust in your girlfriend even if she is smoking again, you should only loose trust over serious things, like big unnecessary lies, cheating etc. No one's perfect you know.

    I understand her reason for perhaps not wanting to tell me but I guess what it is that bothers me is that if she started smoking again/or took E or something, that she wouldn't tell me. It tells me that she either feels that I'll judge or perhaps even something worse. It just doesn't seem like a healthy relationship to be keeping that kinda thing does it? This all resonates from her telling me she wouldn't tell me about the E btw.... her exact words were "I don't think I'd do them again to be honest but if I did I don't think I'd be able to tell you".


  • #4
    martdalto
    Closed Accounts Posts: 211 ✭✭martdalto


    dramtic? wrote: »
    "I don't think I'd do them again to be honest but if I did I don't think I'd be able to tell you".


    This is where the issue is... it's not that she'd consciously lie to you, but she'd just feel that she couldn't tell you the truth.

    So she wouldn't be lying to protect herself, she just wouldn't tell you so as not to disappoint/upset you.

    You need to talk to her, and tell her that you want her to always feel comfortable telling you anything - and if she's ever worried/annoyed/upset about something that she shouldn't feel that you are going to judge her, or give out about it, or finish it, or whatever her fears.

    She needs to know that you will be there to support her, come what may. That way she'll never be "afraid" of telling you something, if anything she will feel happy and relieved at the feeling of being able to tell you anything.

    I hope you understand what I'm trying to say... I know it's a bit rambly!


  • #5
    DontYaThink
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17 ✭DontYaThink


    Hi OP,

    Like your girlfriend, I gave up smoking a few months back. I was with my boyfriend over a year too before I stopped so my smoking wasn't a big issue for him. TBO if I did start again though, which I don't plan to, I don't think I'd tell him. Not to betray him but because I think he'd be really disappointed in me if I did.

    In saying that, I still find the odd empty cigarette packet lying around, in my car/under my bed or whatever so I doubt it's anything to worry about.

    Besides, If she went the whole weekend without smoking then it's unlikely she's back on them!


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