People's perception of me

Charlie_Boswell

I suppose that this could apply to everyone in general but I was just thinking,

Everyone who knows me knows me as a person who stammers. Sometimes certain people can disregard what I am saying because I sometimes take too long or struggle to get my point across effectively.

Lately I'm beginning to find greater confidence in speaking without allowing my stammer to affect me - but I feel that people can still ignore what I am saying, In the past week or so it has really become apparent to me.

How do I go about changing how people perceive me? or get them to sit up and listen when I speak?

PS I've already lost my temper a few times this week because of it and thats not me either. I want to be an "effective communicator" if that doesn't sound too cheesy...

Charlie.

steamengine

How do I go about changing how people perceive me? or get them to sit up and listen when I speak ?

I am not too sure whether you should really be bothered about other peoples perception, but then again we all like positive feed back from our audience, be it small or large.

What I did during a presentation was to show up the witty side of my personality, and I found the resulting laughter very re-assuring. If its just one to one small talk, then I would throw in a question about something that interested them. Could be the latest football match etc.

I'm 20 years out of this problem now, The "negative baggage" is gone. If I get stuck I unblock, but generally I just batter on. A stammer feeds off the negativity, which in turn feeds the stammer. Both should lessen as you proceed.

Cheers

Paul4As

First of all...if you are talking about people's perception of you because of your stammer...you will find out that no one cares if you stammer...people have enough concerns in their lives than the fact you stammer!!!
If you feel that people are ignoring what you are saying..."confront" them in the nicest possible way...ask them if they are listening to you...say you have the decency to listen to them, they should at least have the courtesy to give you their time while you talk!!!
If people are still ignoring you after having the above chat with them...just ignore them back!!! If it is in a work situation where you can't blank them...approach your manager for help/support!!!
As for being an effective communicator...yes you don't have to be fluent...all about saying the key words at that present time whether you stammer or not!!! Try not to use fillers like "like" "you know what I mean" "um's and ah's"...all about being direct with what you say!!!

Karen23

I stumbled across this forum totally by accident looking for something else and I'm so glad I did. I've been reading some of the posts and it's great to hear from other people who stammer and views from non-stammerers.
I'm 31 and I've had a stammer all my life , I dont know when it started but my Mother reckons it was when I statred pre - school.
I have noticed in the past and from reading posts here that stammering seems to be more prevelant in males.
I go through stages with my stammer , two years ago I came to the conclusion that my stammer was part of me and people either liked it or lumped it. I had stayed at home for ten years raising my two children and I finally took the leap to get a job when they my youngest started school. Looking for work after ten years was hard enough but having a stammer made it so much harder. But I was successful in finding a job in an office which I love. I put so much hard work in improving my work skills that I could now run the office on my own with my eyes closed but one thing still stands in my way - the TELEPHONE. I have such difficulty with the telephone that I always need someone else to answer it for me. I'm now so frustrated as I cant advance any further in my job without being able to use the phone. So now my opinion of my stammer has changed again , now I hate it because it's holding me back. I could go so far in my job instead of being left at the bottom of the ladder.
My son who is 11 also has a stammer and that fills me with guilt every day. I know if I didnt have a stammer neither would he and I know what life holds ahead for him and I hate myself for inflicting this on him.
My husband is fantastic , my stammer has never bothered him but I often wonder if he ever feels embarrassed by me , I honestly dont think he does but it's something I think about every now and again.
I wonder if he ever feels short changed by having a wife who cant speak ''properly''.
Sorry for the long post but it's great to have somewhere to make my thoughts heard for a change instead sitting quietly on the sidelines.

Esel

Karen23 wrote: »

My son who is 11 also has a stammer and that fills me with guilt every day. I know if I didnt have a stammer neither would he and I know what life holds ahead for him and I hate myself for inflicting this on him.

Karen, just because this is your 'belief' does not mean that it's true. You should really address this issue, as you are needlessly beating yourself up over this. Do some research on Google and I'm confident you will find that you are wrong.

Regarding using the phone: I know it's difficult, but you should persevere. It should get easier the more you do it. Do you have to say a set phrase when you answer? If so, maybe you could practise this at home, or vary it slightly so that it is easier for you to say. At the end of the day, though, I would think that a stammer would qualify as a disability, and, as such, you should not be discriminated against in work because of it.

Charlie_Boswell

Karen23 wrote: »

I go through stages with my stammer , two years ago I came to the conclusion that my stammer was part of me and people either liked it or lumped it.

Hi Karen,
My stammer or rather my perception of my stammer has changed over the years too, and I'm at the stage now where I don't allow myself to be negative or listen to my negative thoughts when I do stammer. I started blogging about a year and a half ago to start to document my "Journey" - it is still a learning experience everyday.

A few things you said struck a cord with me, First of all I too have a Son he's 3.5 yrs old at the moment and so far his speech seems ok, For a long while I was scared that he may inherit a stammer from me either genetically or otherwise, but I have come to realize I cannot worry about what-ifs or what may or has already come to pass. My viewpoint on this is that if he does stammer I will be his best expert to guide him through the pitfalls I made when I was growing up. Don't beat yourself up about your son's stammer, My parents ignored my stammer for years, consider making a plan to help him go to a speech therapist (may be you could go too) It is only by taking action that you will help him to learn to deal with his stammer.

The second thing is the Phone! I think we can all identify with that one, Only today I had to use the PA in work a couple of times - Imagine using the phone but everyone in the entire building hearing you speak!! Most of the time I was fine, each time walking up, rehearsing what I had to say and paging people no problem. then once, I walked up fully prepared, pressed the button (which shuts off the ambient music in the store btw) and....silence....ok...release the button....breath...try again...silence!!...breath..drop my shoulders...breath..try again..perfect. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to try, before I wouldn't have dream t of using the PA system, I've have kicked, Bit and scrawled like a cat in a bath rather than use the feckin thing, now I just do it. try using the phone at home and ringing for a pizza, taxi, booking a hotel room, getting a quote for insurance. try try and try again, Practice a technique until you become so desensitized to it - it becomes the norm.

The last thing is your husband - Do you know I had never talked about my stammer to my wife up to about 2yrs ago! it was taboo! you'd be surprised if you sat down and actually talked to him, ask him questions about what he really thinks about your stammer - I guarantee his perception of you is nowhere near as negative as you believe it to be. Your husband could be your biggest advocate, coach, supporter if you just let him.

...and you thought your post was long!!:eek:


Charlie

stutelle

Karen23 wrote: »

My son who is 11 also has a stammer and that fills me with guilt every day. I know if I didnt have a stammer neither would he and I know what life holds ahead for him and I hate myself for inflicting this on him.
My husband is fantastic , my stammer has never bothered him but I often wonder if he ever feels embarrassed by me , I honestly dont think he does but it's something I think about every now and again.
I wonder if he ever feels short changed by having a wife who cant speak ''properly''.
Sorry for the long post but it's great to have somewhere to make my thoughts heard for a change instead sitting quietly on the sidelines.

Hi karen,
thanks for sharing and I am sure that your thoughts and feelings resonate with others as they do with me.

As for your son stammering, it is true that stammering can hereditary but if that were the compete reason how come 2 of my 3 children don't stammer? I was the first person in my family to stammer so it can happen without heredity too. you didn't cause your sons stammer and he didn't 'catch it' from you either. I would say my daughter is far more at ease with her stammer than I ever was and there are lots more opportunities now for kids to help them deal with their speech than before so your son doesn't have to end up feeling like you.

You sound like a really kind, thoughtful person who is concerned for her family, why wouldn't your husband be proud of you, he chose you to marry not someone else.
Lots of good advice from other posters which I won't repeat but check out the Irish Stammering Association website to see what is happening in the stuttering community.
and keep positive

Stephen P

For a lot of stammerer's the telephone is probably the most feared thing to do. 3 years ago before I made the first step to get therapy to got a job in a call centre, the motivation behind going for the job was the money, my stammer never once came into my mind. Out of 40 people I came first on the interview panel which gave me a major boost. After I started in the job I looked into therapy, I did the DAS course through the HSE and haven't looked back since. I got transferred out of the call centre just over a year ago due to personal choice. From been on the phone all the time there was time pressure and it's difficult enough talking on the phone without having time pressure. My advice to you would be maybe pick a greeting you're comfortable saying, I could never answer the phone "Hello...abc", I had to say "abc...stephen speaking", now in my new section I have to say "Hello...abc", it's mad the way the stammer works, very frustrating sometimes.
Have you ever looked into therapy? Or selfhelp groups? The links thread on this forum gives info you might find useful and also read the Selfhelp Meetings thread. Does your son attend speech therapy? That might be worth exploring if you're worried. Regarding talking to your husband about your stammer ask him how he feels about it. My wife and I have always been open about it, she's so understanding it's great. I'm sure it doesn't bother him if he married you, it just might not be a big deal to him, he loves you for who you are.

Anyway best of luck and keep us posted

Karen23

Thanks to you all for your supporting and encouraging advice and comments.
Regarding speech therapy , I attended for years and years and I never found it to be of any help to me at all and when I realised my Son had a stammer I was straight on to the clinic in my area were the speech therapist was located, and because of my history he was seen as priority and got an appointment very quickly. Just because it didnt work for me I still wanted to try it for him because I didnt want him to come to me in later years and say I did nothing to help him. We went religiously every week and then he was changed to monthly and a few months ago we got a letter to say because of cut backs the speech therapist would no longer be funded in our clinic but my sons name would remain on a list. And I have to be honest even though we attended so often and I did everything to encourage and support him , I never noticed an improvement in his speech either.

In work on Friday I had to nanswer the phone three times and one of them was to a guy who works in our job and it was complete disaster , I stammered on every second word and when he came into the office I couldn't look him in the eye , I was so embarrassed.

Everyone else answers the phone Good morning/Good afternoon...abc , I answer with Hello abc....but I've noticed lately that even hello is starting to trip me up but I think it's more the fear of what I will have to say in the conversation that gets me like that because I can answer my mobile no problem. That office phone ringing just makes my chest close up and I cant get a bloody word out.:mad:

sadie9

Hi Karen,
My late Dad had a stammer and I know it sounds weird but now I am pleased that I was one of the 'chosen' ones to get his stammer! Maybe your son may feel like that about you. It is something special that you and he share, you can both be a great resource for each other in the coming years.

There is a genetic factor but your son may well have developed a stammer even if you did not stammer yourself. Blaming yourself for it is counter-productive because if you feel bad about your stammering, then your son will also feel that it is something bad.

Stammering is a highly inconvenient speech disturbance, but it's not an indication of the sort of person you are or the quality of person you are.

I too am a mother of 2 small children and I stammer myself but disclosure about it is my main problem. This is a symptom of my shame about being a person who stammers. And it is something I have to keep working on. Being open about stammering is the only thing to drive the fear away but in reality it's scary and hard to do.
Have you ever attended any of the Irish Stammering Association self help groups? They are on once a month in most regions. I think the more you can get involved in the stammering community and get the support - it's a great help I have found myself anyway. Suddenly you are getting used to talking about it more, and being more open about it.
The ISA also have a forum for parents of children who stammer, and last year they had a summer camp at the Gaiety theatre for children who stammer. The ISA website is
www.stammeringireland.ie
Best of luck, stay positive and keep seeking help and support. There's quite a few of us out here you know!!

Paul4As

The reason most stammerers stammer is due to the fact we don't want to stammer!!! The more you fight against the stammer the more you are likely to get tensed up and block or repeat!!!
I used to dread answering the phone in work...giving it the Good morning blah blah blah...once you had a block on one particular word that was it...always thinking you were gonna block on it next time!!!
I then had therapy and began answering the phone stammering on purpose...yes I must've been the only person the caller had ever heard who stammered purposely while answering the phone...by voluntarily stammering I was taking the pressure off trying to be fluent you see!!! And by allowing the caller to realise I had a stammer from the offset...it made my life so much easier!!!
Karen...I think you should do as Sadie9 said and get involved with a nearby self-help group!!! It is all well and good getting advice from this forum...but you can't beat face to face support from fellow stammerers!!!
As for you having therapy before...I assume it was one to one...you should try through the ISA to find group therapy courses where it is not only help from therapists you get, but also help from the 10 or so other stammerers on the course!!! You will be inspired...and be proud to have a stammer!!!
By the way the blue wink above was supposed to be down here!!!

blackrovers

Hey i don't want to afford or anything but have u tried things like maybe when your talking to rub your fingers together or something like that. I know it improves the speech of a person in a class i teach!! Another trick they use is to slowly rub their hand on the top of the table from top to bottom as their talking it fools the brain into forgetting the stammer or something like that. Don't know if its of any help but thought i'd let you know.

Charlie_Boswell

Yes, This channeling or "leverage" can work sometimes, I used to knot my legs under the table, or squeeze a pen. The only problem I found with these techniques was that over time the tension builds up and ends up back where it started.

To be honest it is very difficult to find a single technique that works consistently well, what it comes down to for me is to consistently condition my mental state to a state where I have the self confidence to deal with any situation.

Just a short example, I took my son to Macdonalds today for lunch and while in the queue the lady infront of me asked for a balloon for her child, The place was tearing busy, The Girl behind the counter hummed and Hawed before going off and getting a balloon. The old me would have found it hard enough ordering food - Can I have a balloon for my young fella..She looked at me with the type of disdain you'd keep for a parking warden, She got the Balloon, I - The Cat that got the cream!!:D

Charlie