Children Access Arrangements

LegacyUser

Hi,

My wife decided to leave after 16 years of marriage a little over six months ago. I was and I still am heartbroken. I have been trying over the past six months to continue on as much as normal and I know now that I have been doing myself no favours. I was probably in denial and I was still doing all that I could to be there for my (ex) wife, it was mostly about practical stuff like driving her places, collecting things for her and generally trying to make her transition to having her own place as easy as possible.

I have tried to be as fair and reasonable with maintenance as well, and I have given her extra money also from time to time. She did always make me feel welcome in her new home and we tried for the sake of our three kids (21, 16, 14) to make things as easy as possible. She wanted us to be friends but I always wanted more than that and I suppose I was secretly hoping that she might change her mind about the breakup.

Initially we agreed that the kids would alternate between both houses every other week (they are within walking distance of each other) and that they would be free to come and go to both houses as they pleased. The very first week she decided that a week was too long to be away from either of us for the kids and she decided with the kids that it would be better if she had the kids from Monday to Thursday and then I would have them Friday, Saturday and Sunday every week.

I didn't want to agree to the changed arrangements but in the interest of peace and harmony I did decide to accept the new arrangements. I have never been happy to be tied down every weekend and she did say that if I ever wanted a weekend "off" that all I had to do was ask, but I still felt that it was an unfair situation.

Recently I told her that I needed to stop doing things for her as it was breaking my heart every time I see her and that I wanted to either go back to the original agreement or for me to have the kids only every other weekend. She went mental and now we are back at a place where we can't even communicate to each other anymore.

I really don't want a judge deciding where my kids live and when and to be honest I don't have the money to go down the legal route, has anyone any experience of how I can resolve this situation so that I get a chance to both have quality time with my children and be a part of their lives and get the chance to move on with my own life and have the opportunity to meet new people.

Thanks

LegacyUser

HI OP, sorry to hear of your predicament. However I think your ex is very unreasonable expecting you to have kids every weekend and her to have the Mon - thur option. She is just suiting herself.

If you cannot talk to each other, how about mediation or counselling services. Look these up.

Whatever you do don't give in, you shouldn't have to give up ALL your weekends while she gets ALL her weekends free! Just not fair.

SassyGirl_1

Hi,

Why not change the arrangement and split the week in half and have a two week rota.
First Week - She has them from Sunday till Wednesday, you have them Wednesday till Saturday - around mid-day.
Second Week - She has them from Saturday mid-day until Wednesday and then you have from Wednesday until Sunday - mid-day.

That way every you both have ever second Saturday night/Sunday morning off.

Later,

Ck.

metrovelvet

I dont believe in split weeks. I think it is parent and not child centred. Maybe what you could do is suggest every other weekend and after school and tea time twice a week? something like that?

But next time you come to an arrangement, stick to it, because it's not fair to keep making the kids do all the adjusting.

jellyboy

medation is the way to go....the option of court should allways be last resort...and y give liars/lawyers money out of ur pain....

thefeatheredcat

Is the agreement oral only?

If you keep it at an informal agreement between ye it's easier if both of you are willing to stick to it unless ye want to do swaps that work in eacho other's favour.

From 3rd hand experience getting a written agreement or arranged dates or going through courts will decide the hours for you and you have to stick to it; any changes may need to be made in advance in writing through solicitors... no good if you're both happy to accommodate something cropping up for eachother every so often.

Mediation is the best way forward; if you're not prepared to sit down alone and work it out and compromise, then this is the next route to go.