TV Script

Penn

Hey. First time trying something like this. Just have two short scenes done so far, just looking for a bit of feedback to see if I'm heading in the right direction. All criticisms welcomed!

FADE IN:

INT. FAMILY HOME - DAY
A family is gathered in a living room. They are a large middle class family and are sitting around talking amongst themselves. It is clear that they all know what is going on, but they act ignorant. LOUISE and BRIAN (both late 20’s) enter, the look of joy evident on their faces.

LOUISE

Hi, sorry we’re late.

MARY

Yeah yeah yeah. Just tell us what’s going on!

LOUISE

(with elation)

We got engaged!

(Louise shows off the ring. Everyone gathers round to offer their congratulations. Louise’s mother and sisters all begin to get teary-eyed)

MARY

Oh my God! Congratulations!

DENISE

Have you set a date yet?

BRIAN

Yeah. We were thinking of Valentine’s Day

LOUISE

So about 7 months.

DENISE’S appearance of happiness slowly begins to fade. It is clear that the announcement of the wedding date has upset her. ANDY (Louise’s brother) and GERRY (Louise’s uncle) are sitting at the back of the room.

ANDY

(talking softly)

Valentine’s Day? Who the hell gets married on Valentine’s Day?

GERRY

(Gerry laughs)

You’ll be next!

ANDY

(looks nervous)

What?

GERRY

You know! All your sisters are engaged now. That only leaves you. Do you even have a girlfriend yet?

Andy looks around the room and sees that everyone in the room is either engaged or married. He realises that he is alone

INT: TOMMY’S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - DAY

TOMMY, a young, athletic man is sitting in his living room watching TV as ANDY enters

TOMMY (shouting at TV)

GO ON LAD! HIT HIM!

ANDY

Hey man. What are you watching?

TOMMY

(without taking his eyes off the telly)

Wrestling.

ANDY

Wrestling? What are you watching that for? You do know it’s fake don’t you?

TOMMY

(gets up quickly and faces ANDY)

IT’S REAL TO ME DAMMIT!

ANDY

(looks at Tommy with a serious face)

TOMMY

Of course it’s fake Andy! Everything on telly is fake! The Sopranos is fake! The Simpsons is fake. Even the news is fake.

ANDY

The news?

TOMMY

Yeah. Think about it.

Andy and Tommy stare at each other for a few seconds

TOMMY

Okay, you’re right. The news is probably real.

ANDY

Probably?

TOMMY

So what’s up?

ANDY

I need your help. My sister is marrying Brian. I don’t know what to do!

TOMMY

HIT HIM WITH THE CHAIR!

Andy looks puzzled until he realises Tommy is still watching the wrestling. He grabs the remote and turns it off

ANDY

HEY! I’m serious man!

TOMMY

Alright alright! Calm down! What’s the problem?

ANDY

I need a date for the wedding

TOMMY

Well I’ll have to check my diary...

ANDY

Don’t bother. You’re not my type

TOMMY

Do you even have a type?

ANDY

This is my problem. Who am I going to invite to the wedding?

TOMMY

What do you mean?

ANDY

I haven’t had a girlfriend since Lisa, and that ended over 2 years ago. Have you seen me with any girls since?

Tommy walks over to the fridge and takes out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a large drink, and pauses for a few seconds

ANDY

Well?

TOMMY

I’m thinking, I’m thinking. 2 years is a long time

ANDY

You’re telling me...

TOMMY

When’s the wedding?

ANDY

Valentine’s Day

TOMMY

Ah! What are you worrying about? Plenty of time lad!

ANDY

Seven months? I haven’t been with a girl in over 2 years. How am I going to find one in seven months? Not only that, but I’d like to know the girl for a few months before bringing her to a family wedding. Especially with my family. I’ll have to have her well prepared before having to spend the day with them.

TOMMY (laughing)

Why? What’s wrong with your family?

pickarooney

I quite liked the second scene. Any scene with more than two characters in it is impossible for me to judge as the timing and delivery of the lines adds so many variables. I'd definitely read more.

Penn

Thanks man. Yeah the first scene isn't great, moreso just a way to introduce the plot and a few characters, and the "You'll be next" line which is basically the premise of the show. Reading back over it, I may make some small changes to the second scene. Thanks for the feedback

dublinario

Great stuff paddyirishman85, I enjoyed it. My only criticism is that this section...

"Seven months? I haven’t been with a girl in over 2 years. How am I going to find one in seven months? Not only that, but I’d like to know the girl for a few months before bringing her to a family wedding. Especially with my family. I’ll have to have her well prepared before having to spend the day with them."

....feels like a bit of an Information Dump. Perhaps you could reconstruct it as punchy banter, in keeping with the rest of the scene? Just a humble suggestion from a humble opinion. Otherwise I thought it was very good.

Penn

Yeah. It is the longest single bit of dialogue by a good margin. Cheers for the feedback guys

CountingR

hey this is good stuff. needs some tweaks on the second scene alright but would like toread more.

Penn

Thanks very much. Decided to take a step back and do a bit more planning for it before I proceed any further, but hope to start writing again soon

Penn

Added another scene and modified the second scene. Still more work to be done to the first scene I posted though. I will be changing the first scene around a bit but haven't got enough of it done yet so I'll leave it out for now. All feedback appreciated. Thanks

INT: TOMMY’S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - DAY

TOMMY, a young, athletic man is sitting in his living room watching TV as ANDY enters

TOMMY (shouting at TV)
GO ON LAD! HIT HIM!

ANDY
Hey man. What are you watching?

TOMMY
(without taking his eyes off the telly)
Wrestling.

ANDY
Wrestling? What are you watching that for? You do know it’s fake don’t you?

TOMMY
Of course it’s fake Andy! Everything on telly is fake! That’s not the point!

ANDY
Okay then, what’s the point?

TOMMY
They have a midget wrestling with huge people. It’s brilliant!

ANDY
(sarcastically)
I’ll bet...

TOMMY
So what’s up?

ANDY
I need your help. My sister is marrying Brian. I don’t know what to do!

TOMMY
HIT HIM WITH THE CHAIR!

(Andy looks puzzled until he realises Tommy is still watching the wrestling. He grabs the remote and turns it off)

ANDY
HEY! I’m serious man!

TOMMY
Alright alright! Calm down! What’s the problem?

ANDY
I need a date for the wedding

TOMMY
Well I’ll have to check my diary...

ANDY
Don’t bother. You’re not my type

TOMMY
Do you even have a type?

ANDY
This is my problem. Who am I going to invite to the wedding?

TOMMY
What do you mean?

ANDY
I haven’t had a girlfriend since Lisa, and that ended over 2 years ago. Have you seen me with any girls since?

(Tommy walks over to the fridge and takes out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a large drink, and pauses for a few seconds)

ANDY
Well?

TOMMY
I’m thinking, I’m thinking. 2 years is a long time

ANDY
You’re telling me...

TOMMY
When’s the wedding?

ANDY
Valentine’s Day

TOMMY
Valentine’s Day? Who the hell gets married on Valentine’s Day?

(ANDY shrugs)

TOMMY
But sure that’s what? 6... 7 months away? Plenty of time to get a woman.

ANDY
I don’t just want to get a woman. Look... my uncle said something that really scared me today. He said that I’m next.

TOMMY
That is scary. Seriously... that’s like a serial killer’s catchphrase

ANDY
No... He pointed out that everyone is like... moving on with their lives. Both of my sisters are engaged. You’re after moving in with your girlfriend.

TOMMY
How does he know that?

ANDY
No.... he didn’t say that, he just made me think about it. I still live at home, I’m going nowhere in my job, and to top it all off, I’m single!

TOMMY
So do something about it then. Look, this Saturday... we’ll head into the city... we’ll have a good time... and it’ll just relax you. Don’t worry; we’ll help you find a woman.

ANDY
(calmer)
Alright... thanks man. I’ll call George too, see if he wants to come out.

___________________________________________________________




INT: ART GALLERY - DAY

GEORGE, a young budding artist, is walking around the gallery looking at sculptures and paintings. He comes across one exhibit which is just a small hook screwed into the wall. A middle-aged woman comes over as he stares at it

WOMAN
Hello. Can I help you with anything?

GEORGE
Sorry... I was just stunned by this piece. It is incredible. As artists, we use hooks to hang paintings on. We use plinths to place our sculptures on. Yet, do we ever really notice them? This hook... in such a large area with nothing hanging off it... its genius!

WOMAN
Actually, we just took the painting down for restoration.

(George’s phone begins to ring. He looks relieved)

GEORGE
Sorry, I really need to take this

(The woman nods, smiles and walks away. George answers the phone)

INTERCUT - TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

GEORGE
Hello?

(ANDY is sitting in his car)

ANDY
WHASSSSSUUUPPPP!

GEORGE
Wow, my phone is so out of date I’m getting jokes from 10 years ago

(Andy laughs)

ANDY
What’s the craic man?

GEORGE
Not much. Just made an idiot out of myself in front of some woman

ANDY
(smirks)
So the usual then?

GEORGE
Yeah, but this time, I got a great idea for an art piece.

ANDY
Every cloud...

GEORGE
What’s up?

ANDY
Just talking to Tommy a while ago, thinking of heading up to you this weekend, go out for a few drinks. What do you reckon?

GEORGE
Yeah, should be alright. Are we celebrating anything in particular?

ANDY
No. Just need some help getting a girlfriend.

GEORGE
(grins)
So I should probably clear the next few weekends then?

ANDY
(smiling)
I hate you George. I really really do.

(George laughs)

pickarooney

I liked this bit, nice and snappy and fairly realistic. Only thing is I couldn't help myself reading all George's lines in a Constanza voice

Penn

pickarooney wrote: »

Only thing is I couldn't help myself reading all George's lines in a Constanza voice

Damn, now I can't either

Was thinking of changing his name anyway. Kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing choosing George

Do you think the jokes would work? I know that a lot of it would be the acting, particularly George's reaction when told the picture was taken down and stuff, but I think I'm just second guessing myself with regards to the comedy elements. In my mind they work, but maybe they don't

Fidge13

ha ha! excellent!
Need to change the George character's name.
But very funny....saw the "hook in the wall" gag a mile off but love the "out of date" mobile phone joke.
Very good script man. Would like to read more of it definitely.

pickarooney

Fidge13 wrote: »

ha ha! excellent!
Need to change the George character's name.
But very funny....saw the "hook in the wall" gag a mile off but love the "out of date" mobile phone joke.
Very good script man. Would like to read more of it definitely.

I agree on both jokes - the hook was laboured but the phone was witty.

Fatboydim

At the moment you don't have a clue what you're doing, but you have a good ear for dialogue and the potential is there.

I don't get the sense at the moment as to why it is so important for Andy to get a girlfriend "now". One throw away comment is not enough and there's no real jeopardy in the set up. What does he lose if he doesn't have a girlfriend in seven months? Why does he have to have one by the time of the wedding? It's just lazy plotting or else you have to show us in a more creative way why it is so important. [The timescale is too long BTW - The ticking clock principle always works well in comedy - shorten it to a month it's funnier - One week may be funnier still - How big a loser is this guy? What lies behind his inability to get a girlfriend? Is it to do with his past relationship with Lisa? Essentially we need to know more about Andy and what makes him tick. Try to show us and not tell us.

Show and don't tell is more important in scriptwork than any other medium. Why? Because the camera provides us with so much information. For example you can cut Andy's 1st line in the scene with Tommy [What are you watching?] Not only makes your hero unintentionally look like a moron but your audience too. We can see as can Andy what he is watching. You can also cut Tommy's reply and most of Andy's next line. So a stronger opening would be:

Tommy is watching wrestling on television as Andy enters.

TOMMY
Gon on lad! Hit him!

Andy watches as Tommy so engrossed in the action mimics the wrestler's moves. Eventually Andy comments...

ANDY
You know it's fake don't you!

Tommy glares at Andy.

>> New writers tend to write a lot of unnecessary dialogue and ignore stage directions. Be brutal in trimming lines. Be creative when writing stage directions. Think in terms of shots [pictures] not just words, but do not dictate shots in your stage directions unless they are essential [usually reveals]

The rest of the scene lacks any tension as Andy simply states to Tommy what his problem is. If this is a real problem then it should be more difficult for him to raise the subject. There is also no action in the scene - these two people just talk to each other- essentially it's flat with a couple of good lines. [in fact it feels like you've constructed the scene around a few good lines]

How do you improve it? - Simple give them things to do. Tommy is watching the wrestling... It's an activity. He obviously likes his wrestling so take it further [it is comedy after all - describe what he's wearing - is he kitted out like a WWE star - is he calling for a choke hold [or whatever - research] Then when Andy delivers his line about fakery the audience knows it has power and meaning. - At the moment when Andy delivers these lines they serve no purpose other than being banter - they are more powerful and funnier when they have meaning - so motivate the lines. If Andy is pissed off wanting to get a reaction ... Why? Because he's frustrated. And Tommy is an easy target. So then take that further with Andy continuing on the theme and getting into an impromptu wrestling match with Tommy... perhaps Andy gets over aggressive - or Tommy does [using his favourite choke hold] When it goes too far... Tommy can then ask WTF? and discover why Andy is in such a foul mood... Because his sister is getting married and he needs to take a girlfriend to the wedding [though I think you actually need to nail this down better] and he's not over Lisa - or whatever...

Allow the audience to discover information rather than just tell us...

I could go on... But I won't as i think I've said enough - I actually took the time to write this, because I can see potential in your writing. Others clearly enjoy it, but you asked for comments and only praise won't help you to further your ambitions. So keep at it as these things will become self evident to you I am sure and best of luck.

Penn

Thanks for the feedback Fatboydim. Much appreciated. While I do enjoy the praise (and believe me... I do ), I do need the criticism more as I have no experience writing anything. This is mostly just something that my friends convinced me to do. But anyway...

While I see your point about the one line not being enough to make Andy want to get a girlfriend, the thing is, this is actually kinda based on... me. My sister did get engaged, I was told that I'll be next, and I did feel really under pressure to get a girlfriend for the wedding. But I see your point that for a TV show, that may not be the best route to go down, so some re-jigging there is needed.

As for writing directions and stuff, this is my Achilles Heel. I can visualise it, but describing it is what I find toughest of all. Like I said, no writing experience and I didn't even do well in English. I talk English good but not write good also

Thanks again for the feedback

Fatboydim

Your friends can obviously see potential as well. A good ear for dialogue will get you a long way.

It kind of felt that it was based on what you know as well - which is no bad thing - but it's a big mistake to think that just because something happens in life it justifies using it in a script. What you have to do is use your experience as a springboard. Also examine why you felt that pressure and then exaggerate it if need be.

William Goldman gives a great example when he compares a real life incident to the script of the Dirty Dozen - In dramatic terms the scripted nonsense feels more real. Part of that is because we have to use shorthand in order to hook the audience in.

Your first scene would be your most important - so that needs a lot of attention.

An alternative might be to make it work related - such as there is a business function at the end of the month and [in order to get the job] you lied to your boss that you were a married man settling down to have a family. Now you have to make this "Wife" materialize.

So you can use your real life experience to inform your writing decisions but not dictate them.

Anyway best of luck and do keep at it.