Uneven Love

LegacyUser

Does love work better when one partner is more in love than the other?
I was always told by my mum that it's better to find someone who is more in love with you than you are with them. It seems to have worked for her and my dad (he's still mad about her, more than she is with him) and they are married more than 30 years, still going strong.
I think I rebelled against this thinking a bit, but I found that when I was head over heels for a guy, the relationship really ended terribly badly-this happened to me twice. The first guy dumped me by text after a relationship of considerable duration and it was a complete shock as I thought it was a great happy relationship and never realised he felt that way. I recovered after a few months and met guy number two. I fell for him very hard, he seemed into me and he was the first guy I ever slept with. A few months later he dumped me over the phone because "The spark was gone". It was not gone for me! It took me ages to get over him and really took a lot out of me emotionally.
I met my current boyfriend in June. I knew from the minute we met he was into me. He has since told me he was mad about me and couldn't wait to see me again. However, I was very lukewarm about him and even after the first date, I could have gone either way. I decided to give him a chance because my mum's advice was ringing in my ears and after the previous unsuccessful relationships I thought I had nothing to lose my trying a different approach.
We've been seeing each other since that meeting in June and he is crazy about me. I know this because he tells me this-I generally smile and don't really have anything to say. I really like him, I miss him when he's not around but I know he's more into me than I am into him. But this relationship is the most promising so far! I'm really hoping this one works, because this guy is wonderful and maybe it is better to be the one loved more than the other way around.
Is anyone in this situation? How has it worked? Is it better to be loved more?

minidazzler

Personally I couldn't be with someone for months if I knew I was never gonna love them.

Your mothers advice is good on the basis that, it means you will not get hurt, because the other party will not end the relationship. And if you end it you won't be too devastated. But other than that I think it's bad.

The 2 parties IMO should be head over heels, knee bucklingly in love with each other if they are gonna commit for life.

KiLLeR CoUCh

How are you going to quantify who's more in love? Surely in the average relationship it will vary. There are times when I'm mad about my OH and he's in a bit of a luke warm mood and visa versa. At the end of the day we both know we love each other and would do anything for each other, regardless of who's expressing it more at a given time.

pookie82

In a word? No. Uneveness of affections will eventually breed resentment in most cases, discontent and eventual break down altogether. I can't imagine ever advocating that someone should be with anyone when there's a completely unequal level of affection there. One person is bound to get hurt, even if it's only in the quiet knowledge that the other person doesn't feel quite the same way about them.

BroomBurner

No, love doesn't work like that. The situation your describing sounds like an owner and their pet dog or something, which is fairly disrespectful to your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

I'm a girl in the same situation as you, OP, and for me, it works great! I've never tried to explain the situation to others as I'm sure they would never understand, but for my bf and I, it works great. He'd do anything for me, he worships me, and I am really crazy for him too and I do actually love him and am IN love with him, but I think it's obvious to most that his affections for me are deeper than mine for him.

Different relationships work for different people, give it a go and see how it works. It's early days yet. Who knows, maybe 6 months down the road you'll find you're madly in love with him and the unevenness is gone.

opinion guy

Hmmm I don't know the answer your question.
But I do think you don't sound experienced enouhg to adopt such a cynical approach. Look we all break hearts and we all get our hearts broken. You've been unlucky in that the two guys were too spineless to handle things in a grown up way. don't let that colour your view of relatioship forever

Eve_Dublin

I think there´s something in what you´re saying. One of my best friends said something I found odd at the time but it makes sense now. Herself and her boyfriend have been going out 8 years (28 years old and 30 respectively) and she just blurted out really matter of factly one night, "He used to love me more and now I love him more!" and she said it right in front of her boyfriend. Not sure what instigated the comment but it was very unlike her. They have the best relationship of anyone I know and I´ve no doubt it´ll last a lifetime. I know she wasn´t initially crazy about him at the beginning and I don´t think her OH could believe his luck when they started going out, but their love was obviously a slow burner....in the last few years, it´s been the other way round and she couldn´t imagine her life without him. They love each other deeply and it´s so rare to see nowadays. I´ve seen so, soooo many modern relationships come and go, including my own and they rarely last beyond 3 years. You start to believe it´s all a bit futile in the end. I don´t think that kind of "knee-buckling" love is sustainable for everyone. I think my friend chose the guy because he was a safe bet and she obviously wanted a companion for life as well as a lover.

I suppose it depends on what you´re looking for, OP. I reckon there´s too much focus on the initial fireworks and instant attraction and chemistry nowadays that just fizzles out eventually and causes all sorts of problems (see this forum) that the previous generation didn´t have to deal with as much. That isn´t the kind of "love" (if you can call it that) that I want now. Been there, done that...disasterous. Perhaps the same thing will happen to you two...you´ll grow to love him more and a balance will be reached eventually. It´s worth a shot anyway but make sure you´re always honest with yourself and him about how you feel.

martdalto

OP _ This will sound harsh, as they are your parents but your mam "settled".

She obviously "likes" your dad, but I don't think she "loves" him. If she truly loved him then she wouldn't make such a statement.. she wouldn't want to disrespect him. She settled for someone, probably thinking someone is better than no-one. How does it make you feel that she settled for your dad just because he loved her. In that case your dad could have been ANYONE (!) Actually, if your dad was someone different.. you wouldn't exist!!

I agree with others who have said it can vary as time goes on.. I'm not sure of the amount of love I have for my husband changes (how do you measure how much yo love someone??).. but sometimes the amount of "like" I have for him does!!!

I think in a situation like that.. where he is mad about you, and you're not particularly bothered one way or the other if it works out or not.. you may soon end up resenting him., and his constant attention and affection. What happens someday if you meet a guy randomly and realise "he's the one" (and he thinks the same of you) - do you just avoid him and move on, and "settle" for a different relationship just because you felt you might have loved him too much??

Also I do think, actually thinking about it, and consciously entering into a relationship purely on this basis is very disrespectful to the other person.. do you not think that they deserve to be with someone who loves them.. fully?

It might work for some, but I couldn't imagine living like that.

Pocket Pillager

There was a great moment in Malcolm in the Middle (who woulda thought that programme would be able to give relationship advice, eh??!) where Lois has to "break" the news to Hal that she thinks she loves him more than he loves her. To which he says something to the effect of yeah, so what? He's always known that, and it's just as well cos otherwise they'd spend all day in bed together and nothing would ever get done!

Practically speaking, I don't think it makes sense for a couple to be 110% involved in this type of love propagated by rom-coms, soaps, etc. Love won't put out the bins for you or clean up someone's vomit when they're sick. One or both of you have to be able to detach yourself from the other sufficiently to make living together in the real world work.

Gholimoli

i know what you are saying OP.
however i dont think it's love really.

i think what you are talking about is "attachment".usually one party gets more attached to the other party for different reasons.
then obv becuase they are more attached and start to have feelings such as "can't imagin my life with out him/her" ,they asscociate this to love and think they love more than being loved.

that's my 2cents anyway and i think it's a lot more common than people realize.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Actually started a thread on this recently

Im not getting into another relationship until I've found someone I'm "even" with.

Going for people who like you more is nice at the start as you get lots of attention and you don't feel insecure a bout them going out alone. But it turns into a nightmare - its very hard to break up with these people and you generally end up cheating.

Overall I think your mum is wrong

Wibbs

Gholimoli wrote: »

that's my 2cents anyway and i think it's a lot more common than people realize.

I agree 100%. the "can't imagine my life with out him/her" is very common, even if as a couple they're decidely average and would both be better with others. Plus I'd also add in "I don't think I could do much better and I'm scared to be alone"

IMHO I'd go as high as about two thirds of couples in that bracket after say 5 years together.

How Strange

IMO, when two people start seeing each other first one is always more into it than the other. It makes sense and it pushes the relationship forward.
I remember being quite blase about my first bf knowing he was mad about me then we had a huge fight and I realised 'sh1t, I'm more into him right now than the other way around'. Then I got clingy.

I think at the beginning of a relationship (during first year it can be a bit of a seesaw) but if it's still the case after that then you have to ask yourself if you're settling.

Once you get into a long term relationship it should be even and both of you should love each other equally.

I'd hate to think that I loved my OH more than he loved me or vice versa. It would make me very sad and not very optimistic for our long term future.

LegacyUser

Sorry, am I missing something here? You were in two relationships that didn't work because of uneven love, but want to know if relationships are more likely to work if there is uneven love?! It's not uneven love that is the "answer" as your mother sees it, it's uneven love for YOU.

What you REALLY want to know is if you are better off saving yourself from hurt by making sure you are not the one who would get hurt and settling for someone who won't do that to you. Either way, the answer is no - it's a cliche but it's better to love and lose than not to love at all, and while never being hurt sounds grand it also means you never get the joy of the bit that preceeds it, and will inevitably end up settling for someone who isn't all you deserve just to retain the upper hand.

On the other hand, of course uneven love exists. Of course it does - one side may be "more" in love with the other. But that doesn't mean you should settle for someone you are not in love with. It's a nonsense theory.

OxO-CuBe

IMO the problem here is not who loves one another more but what is done with the love you give and receive. Love has been defined as "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's growth" and "Love is primarily actions towards nurturing the growth of another".
So with this in mind you should be thinking to yourself "Can I provide this person with everything they need to grow and be happy". Your Mother doesn't seem to relay this when she talks about your Father in a depreciating way.

corkgirlie1 wrote: »

I was always told by my mum that it's better to find someone who is more in love with you than you are with them. It seems to have worked for her and my dad (he's still mad about her, more than she is with him) and they are married more than 30 years, still going strong.
QUOTE]

So settling for someone that cannot hurt you is not the correct path to take. Life is hard and you will be hurt, so choosing someone that is mad about you and you so-so about them is not a good idea. The reason for this is that if you don't love someone completely you can never give them what they need to grow. So settling for someone that can never hurt you will leave you unfulfilled and is a missed opportunity in life.

I know from experience that loving someone completely and providing them with everything the need to grow can turn out badly. I know this from experience. But I don't regret loving them truely even though I was hurt to my core when it ended. In fact I know that I am a much better person now than I was before and will never settle for anything less than loving someone to their core.

martdalto

I don't know how you can measure being "more" in love?

I think it's a case of you either love someone or you don't.. you might be very fond of your partner (as someone else mentioned) but if you love someone, then I think it's an all or nothing situation. I don't know is it possible to sort of love someone, or to love them a bit.

I know I love my husband, I'm fairly sure (!) that he loves me, but I don't think either of us could claim to love the other any more or less??? How can you tell? How do you measure it? What proves that someone loves you more?

You love someone, or you like them... that's your options!
But again, it all comes back to 'settling' for something you're not fully happy with, "but sure it's better than nothing"!

LegacyUser

Having been in a relationship where I gave my love in an unconditional way and yet failed to make it last more than four years, i have to say that it was much easier to deal with the aftermath. I suppose its down to allowing yourself the credit that you have done your best and failed, so whats wrong with that. Op's relationship may be uneven as described.. but hey, maybe her partner thinks the same..maybe we all think this at one time or another in our relationships?